Fifty Shades Freed (2018)

"So why do you defy me?"

"Because I can!"

 This is only the second film I've seen that was made in 2018. Right now it seems very possible that it may ultimately end up being the worst. It's that bad. In fact, Mrs Llamastrangler has just described it to me as being akin to "a disappointing fart. I concur.

So what is so deeply disappointing about this, the third in a series of films that, it's now clear, are all pants? Well, many of the same things. Let’s face the horrors, shall we?

Christian and Ana get married in a posh ceremony and then they do that bizarre and rather rude thing where they leave the ceremony that everyone had made such an effort to attend to drive off, cold sober, to a honeymoon by montage in Paris and the French Riviera. We get a few scenes reminding us what a control freak Christian is, presumably meant at least partly to humanise him, but in fact just making him look like a controlling twat. Some arson at home by nasty old Jack draws them both home early where married life begins properly.

Christian has an extraordinarily childish reaction to the inevitable conversation about kids but, well, why on Earth did they not have this conversation before trying the knot like all sensible people do? And, frankly, I don’t care about Christian’s poorly defined mother issues- he’s a billionaire. Why is parenthood an issue where money isn’t? Then there’s that ridiculous throwing of his toys out of the pram because Ana prefers to use her maiden name professionally, as that’s how she’s already known, which seems rather sensible. He seems to think he’s entitled to expect his wife to take his surname, which is frankly a load of misogynist bollocks. Yes, Mrs Llamastrangler ended up taking my surname, but it was entirely her decision and I made it very clear that I didn’t feel entitled to any such thing and, frankly, in her position wouldn’t have done the same. For a bloke to simply expect it to happen is a bit of a warning sign.

But then he does the other thing that emotionally abusive partners do, and buys her stuff, namely a new home to her tastes. It’s good to see Ana asserting herself against the flirtatious architect, but she’s very much living a life circumscribed by Christian, with him even controlling what she hears about the danger to her from Jack. There are disturbing hints of gaslighting here, and when she deviates from his plan to guarantee her safety by- heaven forbid- having a few drinks with her best friend. This leads to a bit of a kerfuffle with Jack and, more disturbingly, with Christian having another massive sulk because Ana has the temerity to show a little bit of independence. And so what could have been a rather erotic little kinky scene of him teasing and denying her just turns outvtonbevhom throwing a strop like a complete and utter child. But then none of the sexy scenes are sexy, and none of the kink is allowed to be just kink.

Incidentally, one of the many things that ruins this awful film is the constant use of unlistenable, badly produced, horrible chart pop which, with all its autotuned awfulness,  actively subtracts atmosphere and sexiness from every scene. The only decent bit of music in the whole film is Grey playing Macca’s “Maybe I’m Amazed”, which isn’t saying much.

Anyway, Christian’s reaction when Ana tells him she’s pregnant is utterly pathetic, and the perfect reason to leave him. He reacts like a proper child, sulks and confides in Mrs Robinson; no wonder Ana is disgusted. Yes, it’s wrong to spring a pregnancy on a man without his consent, but accidents are accidents, and any woman has an absolute choice on whether to keep her baby; making her get rid if it is just as immoral as being one of those anti-abortion zealots. And none of this matters much, anyway, if money isn’t an issue- why not just have the child? Bringing up kids is fun.

So we end up with a bit of climatic action between Ana and nasty old Hack, and she ends up still trapped in what she sees as a healthy relationship with Christian, and thinking the fact he’s into BDSM (she isn’t, not really, so it’s disturbing that he’s foisting it on her, and controlling how she perceives it) means he can get away with controlling her without her informed consent. She ends the trilogy still trapped in a relationship with this controlling man-child, and that is truly tragic. Poor Ana. But far more tragic is the thought that this film may give many people the idea that BDSM makes this kind of behaviour ok.

Legion: Chapter 5

“You know, they say the brain is the largest erogenous zone.”

More glorious conceptual weirdness this week, but as ever you have to pay attention. And as ever the cinematography is glorious, visually signalling this as art telly if the script wasn’t already making that clear. It’s weird, it’s non-linear, it’s magnificent.

So last episode Cary and Kerry weren’t killed; she was just badly hurt and it affected him. They’re fine. So is David, seemingly much more confident and together after his sojourn in the astral plane, even using his new abilities to find a way for he and Syd to touch each other and make love in some genuinely lovely, if surreal, scenes in a white room that must surely be meant to evoke the video for John Lennon’s Imagine. And yet, as the couple make love, the camera pans to some strawberries being crawled over by wood lice, a canker in paradise..

There’s some discussion of Oliver; he’s Melanie’s husband, trapped in the astral plane for 21 years because, essentially, he became addicted to being a god in his own world- both a mind-blowing concept and a cautionary tale for David, as well as an explanation for Melanie’s possible partial ulterior motive for helping him.

Then things start to get scary. A hugely powerful and scary David goes on an unstoppable mission to rescue Amy, killing all his enemies without a passing thought. And this leads Cary to theorise; is he genuinely schizophrenic as well as being a mutant of the mind? And is there some kind of malign parasitic presence within his conscious, editing his memories to hide itself? This is at one a brilliant concept and, well, this series clearly isn’t much interested in Marvel continuity and characters but... it’s the Shadow King, innit?

Then we get weirdness, disturbing things with Lennie/Benny, and David not responding well to being told by Amy that he’s adopted. Stuff happens in the astral plane, and then suddenly they’re all in a mental institution. This is absolutely brilliant.

Doctor Who: It Takes You Away

“I see the sheep have moved on. Probably off plotting.”

You know how I’ve spend the whole of the season so far whingeing that yes, many episodes are good, but none of them have wowed me? Well, with one episode to go, this season has finally gone and bloody done it. Ed Himes, you can write for Doctor Who again. This is a splendid fifty minutes of television. It still doesn’t mask some underlying issues with Chibnall’s reign, though; still no arc beyond very basic character stuff, leading to a sense of drift. And, while Jodie Whittaker is excellent as ever, it’s becoming increasingly obvious that her Doctor isn’t getting any character development.

Still, bravo. Big sci-fi ideas, for a start; a sentient universe that just wants to be friends but isn’t very good for the health of reality, and the subject of a bedtime story from one of the Doctor’s seven grandmothers to boot, plus of course the whole scene with the frog. It’s also about something; Hanne’s dad is a parallel bad dad to Ryan’s father at first glance, although he’s addled by grief and sees the error of his ways. And Graham’s own grief gets played with horribly by the “resurrection” of Grace. Yet the whole thing brings Graham and Ryan together sufficiently for Ryan to call him “Grandad”, an earned and powerful moment.

All this, and the lines about the sheep. And the flesh moths. And Kevin Eldon A’s a nasty, duplicitous demon. And the whole concept of “antizones”. And so much subtext I’m sure I’ve not even noticed half of it.  I don’t know if we’ll ever see another Neil Gaiman episode, but this is pretty damn close, and just as good.

And yet... it’s a one off episode, full of one off brilliant and a Doctor Who does Doctorish things but isn’t written with any inferiority. Sometimes it’s the exceptional episodes what make you worry about where things are headed.

Beavis and Butt-Head Do America (1996)

 "Are you threatening me? My bumhole will not wait!"

 I last saw this in, well, the '90s. On a VHS videotape that was my prized possession. It’s brilliant, of course, and a style of humour (“Heh. You said ‘anus’!” that has lasted.

I suspect Mike Judge is no metalhead, and this fan of heavy guitar riffs is a bit suspicious that people like my young ‘90s self should be portrayed as such thickos. Thing is, though, it’s funny.

It’s weird seeing Beavis and Butt-Head in a whole movie, doing no less than a road trip with Bruce Willis and Demi Moore, instead of just watching the telly as is their wont. But it works, thanks to good old puerile humour done with an evil wit, and Robert Stack is superb.

It’s also very, very ‘90s, though, from the perspective of 2018- teenage Chelsea Clinton’s braces, teenagers actually watching the telly, a very ‘90s kind of youth culture-focused nostalgia for the ‘60s and ‘70s leading to that glorious Robert Crumb psychedelic bit in the New Mexico desert. One could almost say that bit was genuinely cinematic.

Well done, Mike Judge and co; cavity searches all round. The campaign for a sequel with middle-aged Beavis and Butt-Head starts here!

Doctor Who: The Witchfinders

“If I was still a bloke, I could get on with the job and not have to waste time defending myself!"

A very good episode but, par for the course this season, lacking in the stuff of greatness. Still very good, but no more. And it’s becoming worryingly clear that the series doesn’t seem to aspire to that under Chibnall. But is this just my expectations, having come in recent years to appreciate the depths of writing of an RTD and a Moffat, while Chibnall is focused on creating a family show that appeals to kids, and successfully at that? Am I, a 41 year old fan, the target audience, as I was for Moffat? Should I be?

The episode is genuinely good and the new writer- Joy Wilkinson- is one I’d be happy to see again. The history is a little vague (characters called “Willa” and “Becca”?) and suggestive of a younger audience than we were used to in the recent past, but the plot is solid, even if the resolution is rushed; Pendle Hill being an ancient prison for some rather well-realised alien villains is a fun concept. And the of course there’s Alan Cumming’s superb performance as King James VI and I, a portrayal that rings very true for this highly intelligent, intellectually lazy, psychologically damaged king who took refuge in absolutism and boys. Oh, and in not suffering a witch to live. Especially that.

Jimmy One is clearly well-researched; indeed, we get a whole scene with Ryan (naturally, Jimmy takes a shine to him) comparing their hard childhoods which shows off the research splendidly. And I also love the big chat he gets with the Doctor just before she faces the ducking stool.

It’s perfect that a story about witch hunts- the ultimate in misogyny- should be the first to really explore just how different things are for the Doctor when stripped of her male privilege. She is patronised, disbelieved, her very title mocked, with Graham having to stand in as figurehead. Yes, on the whole it’s rather good. But yet again it stops short of wowing me and the season so far is no better on the whole than “good enough”. I like the new Doctor, the new format, the new characters. I approve of the reorientation towards a family audience. And this tabloid nonsense about “PC plots” is just silly. But can we have some brilliance in the writing please? So far, every season since the show returns, I’ve liked some series more than others, and not all episodes have been good. But you could always be confident that an episode of sheer brilliance would turn up soon-ish. Is that still the case?

Batman Forever (1995)

“It's the car, right? Chicks love it."

 Incredibly, I've never seen this until now, after 23 years.After the two gritty Tim Burton films, which I'd seen at the cinema and enjoyed, I wasn't impressed by the prospect of a film that dialled down the atmosphere and just tried to tell an exciting story.

So did I enjoy it? Well, yes, it's a fairly good Hollywood blockbuster action film, and it's even pretty good with the Batman mythos- we get a pretty good Robin origin with the Flying Graysons and the character is made not to look silly, which is no small achievement, even if the fact that the Flying Graysons all wear costumes while performing that Dick's eventual Robin costume will pretty much mirror means that it's pretty obvious who Robin really is, so Bruce's secret is shot too. But then, in this film at least, it pretty much is anyway.

I also like both Tommy Lee Jones' performance as Two-Face and the fact they only did his origin in flashback. But the Riddler, well, Jim Carrey is really annoying and the riddles are a bit perfunctory, the character seemingly being really about those silly brainwave machine thingies; this doesn't really feel like the Riddler.

Also, Joel Schumacher's directorial style is so very generic Hollywood compared to Tim Burton's unique and very fitting style, and even Gotham itself suddenly looks just like an ersatz New York, complete with Statue of Liberty, rather than the Gothic, Expressionist nightmare we've become used to. This is connected to the first two films only by Pat Hingle, Michael Gough, and the design of all of Batman's stuff. And Brude actually gets a girlfriend and still has her when the film ends- what's going on?

Plus Val Kilmer is, if not awful, not great either, and not a patch on Michael Keaton. This just isn't the same introverted, brooding character. But then this isn't really part of the same series of films in any meaningful sense. It's pure Hollywood spectacle, done well but with no real depth or meaning.

Pet Semetary (1989)

"Sometimes dead is better."

Another Stephen King film, then, and one in which he gets a cameo as a vicar... and I still haven’t read more than one obscure novella by him. I must remedy that.

This film is rather good, but a curious beast; there are no stars, unless you count Herman Munster and Lt Tasha Yar. And it doesn’t really feel like a horror film until the very end where a zombie toddler is running riot, being far more of a drama about what it’s like to lose a child- an unthinkable thing for any parent- much though the whole thing is tinged with a palpable sense of the macabre which feels, well, Stephen King.

The conceit is (cliche alert) that behind the burial ground for pets of the misspelled title there lies that old horror standby, the old Indian cemetery. This allows Dead things to be brought back to life, and be brought back to life wrong so, after an initial and fairly harmless first attempt with a cute little cat which proceeds to get all creepy and animatronic (is that a 1989 thing?) things start to get serious as the fanily’s little boy gets run over by a lorry. And presumably, this being Stephen King, this all happens in the state of Maine.

It’s a nice little understated film that chooses, I think rightly, to emphasise the mood of the macabre over shocks. One think is truly shocking, though- Jud drinks that undrinksble horse piss Budweiser and forces poor Louis to drink the foul liquid. Have neither of them heard of actual beer? And why does Louis pronounce his name “Louis” but pronounce it “Lewis”? It’s most odd.

But all is forgiven as the end credits roll and we hear the splendid sound of the Ramones, everybody’s favourite all-dead New York proto-punk band. “Pet Semetary” is no “Judy Is a Punk” or “53rd and 3rd” but it does the business.

Legion: Chapter 4

"I was a woman who couldn't be touched, in love with a man who wasn't there."

Legion just gets weirder and weirder; among other things, this episode features a girl living in a bloke’s head as his imaginary friend and getting out in to the world, and when she dies, he does.

It’s all very fairytale, which brings me to the opening. We meet the mysterious and stentorian Oliver, player by that bloke from Flight of the Conchords and a splendidly surreal individual with his discordant jazz and pronouncements on literary theory. He lives, it seems, on the astral plane, where David’s consciousness has become stuck from excessive dreaming. That’s the sort of thing that happens on this show.

Through Ptonomy we, and Syd, begin to realise that David’s memories may be partly false and are covering something up, and indeed that he may not be as nice as he seems. Certainly it’s evident, after the two of them make enquiries, that all old memories featuring Lenny reflect the reality of a big man called Benny, a bad influence.

The whole thing is as well directed as ever, which is good, because this sort of telly relies on that. The “real” world still has a stylish ambiguity between ‘60s and modern styles. And motifs recur- Syd keeps seeing the Hitler-like Angry Boy from the storybook while out and about.

I hold my hands up; I have no idea what’s going on at this point. But I’m enjoying the ride.

Legion: Chapter 3

“Could you maybe not break everything this time?”

Before I get to the final series of Angel it’s about time I finished something I started a while ago- this first season of Legion, that very strange and independent riff on a Marvel character. It’s an odd beast, non-linear and full of symbols which we can interpret as we wish; this week’s opening dream sequence is based around a fairy tale.

The whole thing is dreamlike, though. Perhaps it’s because this episode the A plot- David’s sister Amy having been kidnapped by the nasty shrink baddies- is put to one side for an episode of “memory work” with Melanie and Ptonomy, hinting at blocked memories and a nasty monster lurking within David’s subconscious. A lot of the time I have no idea what’s going on, although it always entertains. You really have to pay attention; this is brave, difficult telly.

Amy gets blatantly told that her brother is not schizophrenic, just a powerful magic being, as he is slowly learning himself. He’s also developing his sweet little relationship with the literally untouchable Syd. But something is wrong with his memories, and as we can see something is very wrong indeed with that storybook, and we get a very odd cliffhanger ending.

This is weird. At the moment I simply couldn’t tell you whether it works or not.

Doctor Who: Kerblam!

"Have you smelt her?"

"Oddly enough, I haven't..."

Terrible title and, I was confidently expecting from the preview, terrible episode. Turns out I was wrong; along with last week's episode this heralds what's looking like a definite upswing in quality with a thoughtful bit of what science fiction was made to do- satirical extrapolation of current trends to the nth degree.

What we have here is a bit of a cross between Doctor Who Discovers the Effect of Automation on the Workforce and Doctor Who Discovers the Appalling Working Conditions in Amazon Warehouses, a very topical bit of telly that will be very relevant to many viewers. The satire is simultaneously made blatant- the ancient junk robot seems awfully like Amazon, and the degree of employee monitoring that goes on is truly terrifying, although not as terrifying as automation itself. Just how many of us, even in professional jobs, will not have our livelihoods threatened by automation in say, twenty years' time? How will we pay our mortgages? Will it be a dystopia or was the great John Maynard Keynes right to expect increased leisure time? Somehow I expect neither will happen, but those of us with mortgages and dependents can be forgiven for being nervous.

Political though he episode is, mind- the working conditions on show are genuinely horrifying- the baddies are not the bosses but a protester- yet the system exploits him as surely as he exploits the system; capitalism is and is not the villain here, which is nicely nuanced.

The robots are splendidly creepy, too, and the reminiscence to the robots in The Greatest Show in the Galaxy parallels the similar opening scene in the TARDIS - is the deliberate implication that the delivery robot in both stories is from Kerblam? On the subject of continuity I liked the fez from when the Doctor was Matt Smith, and the shoutout to The Unicorn and the Wasp. And we can't not mention The Robots of Death either- we even get "robophobia" referred to. But this is, at its heart, a welcome piece of contemporary sci-fi which addresses major issues of the world we live in and gets away with doing so at prime time by having robots in it. Brilliant.

Damien: Omen II (1978)

"Damien Thorn is the Antichrist!"

It's been quite a while since I saw The Omen, but it lingers in the mind somewhat, mainly because of the set piece deaths. This sequel follows a similar pattern; Damien is now thirteen, adopted by his aunt and uncle, and forced to attend one of those awful military schools to which the more abusive type of American parents send their children. There are the same types of people protecting him, the same types of people discovering what he is and trying to stop him, and of course the same types of grisly deaths for the latter.

Except... while still a pretty good film, it doesn't compare remotely to its predecessor. Partly this is because, although some of the set piece deaths are rather good, they don't begin to approach the spectacle of the first film. And the cast, while solid character actors all, lacks the charismatic star presence of a Gregory Peck.

That isn't to say that the story doesn't grab the attention, that the central conceit doesn't work as well as before or, indeed, that there's much wrong with the script; I suspect that a better director could have improved the gory set pieces which, while a decent enough spectacle, don't anchor this film as they did its predecessor. But it certainly has its moment- I enjoyed the reporter's death my raven and lorry, and the film has a bi of fun with the fact we all know where it's going. It's a solid but fairly by-the-numbers early example of the type of Holywood horror sequel that would become so fashionable over the following decade.

Doomsday (2008)

“In the land of the infected, the immune man is king."

 This s easily the greatest Scottish post-apocalyptic Mad Max movie with mediaeval knights and steam locomotives ever made. Bar none.

Yes, the start is perhaps a bit ropey, very exposition-heavy and quite blatantly nothing but exposition, exposition, exposition as it gives us a backstory of a Scotland (well, Britain north of a reconstituted Hadrian's Wall- that would be just south of Wallsend's high street, a bizarre way to think of Mrs Llamastrangler's home town) quarantined because of a nasty virus, causing the British government to abandon and brutalise people in ways that probably mean Nicola Sturgeon died crying "I told you so" although, to be fair, the PM's Glaswegian functionary is just as evil to Londoners later.

But then it gets good. Really good, proper B movie fun. Proper Mad Max aesthetics and car chases, cannibalism, Molotov cocktails, glorious ultraviolence, Siouxie and the Banshees, loads of gore, not a lot of sentimentality in spite of  Major Eden's potentially tear-jerking backstory, and Malcolm McDowell holding forth speechifying splendidly in a mediaeval castle, presiding over a medieval society. In the twenty-first century. This is top B-movie stuff. And very well-directed too. There are Roman echoes, with Hadrian's Wall and some of the Mad Max lot evoking painted Picts.

The cast is superb, from Sean Pertwee's horrible end to David O'Hara's cynical baddie to the ever- sublime Malcolm McDowell, but the badass Rhona Mitra holds it all together. A film most definitely worth watching.

Dark Season: Episodes 5 and 6

Episode Five

"A ventilation shaft. Marvellous. I’m a cliche.”

The middle episode, and we discover that Pendragon is digging not for Celtic archaeology but for an old MOD building beneath the school, and the Behemoth is an AI war machine that she once created. In spite of her cod-mysticism she’s actually a scientist, but so mad and melodramatic that only Jacqueline Pearce could possibly have played her: a genius scientist sacked for being a Nazi and prone to lots and lots of speechifying.

Elsewhere, Miss Maitland fails as an English teacher as she “corrects” Reet’s grammar to end a sentence with “and I”, failing to understand the difference between the nominative and the accusative.  Don’t you just hate that? But at least she begins to overcome her scepticism and get stuck in. Thomas, in spite of some more terrible acting from Ben Chandler, has some amusing scenes with Pendragon as it turns out his Aryan looks come mostly from hair dye.

It’s a rather cool ending as the Behemoth awakes and it’s revealed that the “chosen one” is in fact needed to sit in the chair and be subsumed into the machine- a sacrifice which now suddenly falls to a bizarrely ecstatic Pendragon. This is brilliantly mad chikdren’s telly.

Oh, look. There’s Mr Eldritch.


Episode Six

“There will be now new age. Only a dark age.”

A rather excellent finale as Marcie exploits the differences between the Nazis and the chaos-loving Eldritch, Lawful Evil vs Chaotic Evil. There’s a debate between Marcie and Eldritch to persuade the fully sentient Behemoth, and arguably a debate about whether it’s Miss Maitland with her bulldozer or Marcie with her words who saves the day.

All this stuff about the end of a century being an important time (it’s only 1991, kids) feels quaint from the vantage point of today, but it works. And Grant Parsons’ Eldritch is a splendidly melodramatic villain. And best of all is the scene where the increasingly cool Miss Maitland gives the Nazis a right good bollocking.

It’s a nice upbeat ending, Marcie is blatantly the Doctor as always, and this is a brilliant bit of telly. But I suppose it had to end; there are only so many sci-fi thrrats that could threaten a school. But that young RTD, the Why Don’t You bloke who wrote this- he’s going places, I tell you.

Dark Season: Episodes 3 and 4

Episode Three

"If I was here to give answers, I'd open an answer shop!"

A satisfying conclusion to the first three part story here, with a nice little twist as it’s revealed by the old man that “Professor Becjinski is my wife!” using Mr Eldritch’s casually misogynistic assumption that the man must be the professor as a trick. Of course, this means that Marcie and her mates don’t actually save the day, but it’s a nice way to end. I also like the way Mr Becjinsky tries to persuade Dr Osley to turn on Eldritch, giving Osley his big speech about the world deserving what it’s going to get.

Also interesting is Eldritch’s motive; although he intends to ensure all computers are networked and under his control, he doesn’t want control; no, he wants to create chaos.

Marcie gets some heroic stuff to do, and there’s a countdown (why do baddies never just press a button that does things instantly?). And, of course, Eldritch vanishes. It’s a big, satisfying ending, although Marcie, Reet and Thomas are perhaps a little sidelined. In fact, things would have pretty much unfolded much the same without them.


Episode Four

“Liberty Hall!”

Don’t imagine I didn’t spit the blatant reference to The Three Doctors up there. Anyway, Marcie, Reet and Thomas are back, with hesitant help from Miss Maitland, as Jacqueline Pearce turns up and steals every scene she’s in with aplomb. She was a force of nature and she will be missed.

Miss Pendragon is an eccentric baddie with a mysterious agenda and, quite rightly, the manners of Servalan, who is conducting a sham archaeological dig in a quest to find the “Behemoth” of Celtic legend. As Thomas notes, her commitment to diversity is less than ideal as all of her underlines have a suspiciously Aryan look. Indeed, she seems to have hired the handsome but dim Luke just to stand around being Aryan and unblemished, and suddenly abandons him when he gets slightly hurt. Nazi much?

Marnie spends the episode being splendidly moody mixed with bursts of Doctorish activity. We’ve established the format in the first three parter; now we can just get on with the adventure, and it appears the Behemoth may now be emerging...

Doctor Who: Demons of the Punjab

”You know there are aliens, right? In Punjab, during Partition? And you're worried about me being gobby?"

At last, an episode that's more than quite good and actually both moving and interesting. And it's written by Vinay Patel, who is 1) the first non-white person to write for Doctor Who, which is quite awful at this late date; 2) new to the series; and 3) not Chris Chibnall, thank the gods- indeed, this is the frst episode of the season where Chibnall doesn't have a writing credit.. This script is assured, thoughtful and moving.

Moreover, after Rosa, it's tempting to muse on the possible return of the near-pure historical. In that story the only science fiction element was timey-wimey stuff; here the aliens merely observe, and mourn. They seem a little metatextual, although subtly done, and if anything they represent us as viewers. They are not the titular demons of the Punjab; that would be humanity.

Partition happened only in 1947. Back in the monochrome era this was both far too recent and too close to the bone for a British programme, it being no longer ago to them than the New Labour years are to us, and there being no serious view of Partition, and its millions of deaths, that doesn't largely blame the British. This is skirted over here, but it is there.

The plot s simple, really; Yas wants to find out her grandmother's mysterious past so persuades the Doctor to take them back in time to the Punjab during what turns out to be Partition, and there ensues a tale of genocide and star cross'd lovers as she sees her Muslim grandfather marry Prem, a Hindu man who is not her grandfather. If you're used to stories about time travel- and many viewers may not be- it's straightforward stuff, but full of potential for drama and pathos as we see the inevitable tragic events play out.

It's worth emphasising again how much I like this TARDIS crew. They have fun, they have heart, they have a real developing bond; I love that brief scene between Yas and Graham about what she must be going through, yes, but also how great their lives are. And Jodie Whittaker is brilliant again. Chibnall has got so much right about the shape of the show. But there's definitely a pattern developing where the ones he doesn't write are the better ones.

The Princess Bride (1987)

"Have you ever heard of Plato, Aristotle, Socrates?"

"Yes."

"Morons."

It's a genuine mystery: This Is Spinal Tap is one of the funniest films ever. How, then, can pretty much the same team- Rob Reiner directs, Christopher Guest has a major role- produce something so unfunny as this.

I can see what it’s trying to do- play with the silliness of the tropes and cliches. Hence we have exaggerated tropes such as a princess with absurd faith that her ridiculously heroic man will save her, and a Spanish swordsman who lives to avenge his father’s death. But none of this is addressed with any real wit, and it’s obly the names (Prince Humperdinck) and cameos from the likes of Peter Cook and Mel Smith that tell us this is intended to be a comedy.

All this is narrated by Columbo to his annoying, sport-obsessed grandson for no apparent reason, in a framing sequence that has no obvious reason to be there. It describes a weird mediaeval word where fictional countries mix with real ones and people seem to have heard of Australia. And where there are, er, “rodents of unusual size” which look awfully like a man in a suit. It’s clearly meant to be funny. It isn’t. An odd misfire.

I very strongly suspect, mind, that the “battle of wits” scene strongly influenced the first episode of Sherlock.

The Incredible Hulk (2008)

"You wouldn't like me when I'm hungry..."

Well, that was a bit disappointing. It wasn't awful, not quite; I'm glad they didn't just do the bloody origin. But, I mean, come on- Edward Norton has no bloody charisma. And, in spite of lots of CGI action, the direction just isn't that exciting.

I mean, it's nice to hear the telly theme tune as incidental music. It's nice to see a CGI Abomination. It's nice to see a sort of origin for Samuel Sterns becoming the Leader but with literally no climax; the actual cinematic equivalent of bad sex.

I suppose the treatment of the origin during the opening titles is neat and, as with Iron Man, it doesn't bother with any of that secret identity nonsense; everyone knows Bruce is the Hulk, so has to wander the western hemisphere like it's the '70s. Plus Liv Tyler, Tim Roth and William Hurt are all ok.

But, CGI spectacle aside, this film is boring. A good Hulk film needs a charismatic lead actor, and Edward Norton is no Mark Ruffalo. And no, a cameo from Lou Ferrigno doesn't make it right.

So the second ever Marvel film is a proper misstep. It's not surprising how little influence this film has had on what came after. Eminently skippable.

Dark Season: Episodes One and Two

Episode One

“Normal is for the comatose!”

If you think Jodie Whittaker is the first female Doctor Who then you are quite, quite wrong. Let’s look at the evidence: RTD writes; 25 minute episodes; Marcie acts and speaks exactly like the Doctor; the directorial style and incidental music is exactly like Cartmel-era Who which is, after all, only a couple of years ago. The baddie even begins by saying “Nothing in the world can stop me now!”. I rest my case.

This is, in fact, a brilliant bit of telly that only the very 1991 fashions can’t spoil. The script is superb; Victoria Lambert is superb, Sylvester McCoy’s Doctor as a thirteen year old girl. The paddle is a bit of genius. It’s genuinely bizarre that she doesn’t seem to have acted in anything else. Then there’s a young Kate Wibslet (the less said about Ben Chandler the better) and such British telly stalwarts as Brigit Forsyth and the great Cyril Shaps.

Like Cartmel era Doctor Who, the programme hides its lack of budget with lots of mood, atmosphere, and having this and intrigue be a substitute for expensive spectacle, and does it well. It’s also full of strong characters, an intriguing mystery, and an intriguing men-in-black villain in the splendid Mr Eldritch. But the clothes, oh, the clothes...



Episode Two

“If I can teach you two anything it’s this; shut up and do as I say. Out!”

The plot thickens and so does the characterisation; I love Marcie’s fun little relationship with the exasperated and harassed Miss Maitland, and how only she realises that anything weird happened. We also begin to see how the Professor is at the heart of all this, leading to a splendid cliffhanger. And, this being the early ‘90s, we have the obligatory cyberspace bit, with even a kind of proto-internet. In 1991.

It’s weird to think I was about the same age as the kids in this at the time, but in some ways it doesn’t feel so very long ago. It’s intetesting to be reminded of a time where not all schools gave lip service to any of this silly uniform nonsense, for example, whatever the resulting fashion disasters. Thing is, though, what does Mr Eldritch want? So far he just walks around looking cool while talking like a super villain in a vague sort of way, more of a trope than a character as such. Not that I have any problem with this.

Angel: Home

”We do have a dungeon. I can show you around later if...”

So Lilah gives Angel that thingummy wotsit to take to Buffy in Sunnydale for Spike’s big heroic sacrifice? I wish I hadn’t lost that list of the right order to watch episodes of both series a while ago. Still, no great harm done, and this is an intriguing and unusual finale which points forwards to the next season of what is now the only Buffyverse show.

It’s a lighthearted episode, a good thing after all the recent angst,  showing how all of Angel’s gang are slowly corrupted by Wolfram & Hart and agree to take over the LA branch of the evil law firm for their far from nefarious purposes but, it’s heavily implied, losing a part of their souls in the process.

It’s fun to see a temporarily resurrected Lilah tempting them all with her customary wit; she seems somewhat cheerful for someone who has just been in Hell and will be back there soon. It’s also unclear what’s so outrageous about her contractual obligations to her employer extending beyond death, with the alternative again being Hell. But it’s fun seeing her sparring yet again with Angel and, indeed, with Wesley.

They all get their individual temptations- Fred is to be head of science, Lorne of entertainment, Wesley of arcane lore or something and Gunn... well, we know not what, but he takes a trip to the big white room where a panther has replaced the little girl. He’s very conscious about what his supposed talent may be that Wolfram & Hart so require; we shall no doubt find out at the start of next season. Angel, of course, is CEO, with Sun-proof executive windows and twelve cars. Not bad.

The season has largely been about annoying little Connor, though, so it’s fitting that he should get a fitting send-off as Angel foils his psychopathic son in a nasty little hostage situation and Wolfram & Hart arrange for Connor to get an entirely different life.

It’s been a wonderfully changeable season, easily as good as the last, ending up with yet another major change. Is this going to continue...?

The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001)

"Nobody tosses a dwarf!"

This is only my second viewing of this or, indeed, any of this magnificent trilogy. And, yes, with an appropriate nod to YouTube's How It should Have Ended (watch it for LOTR), it's magnificent. The three sodding hours actually passed very pleasantly.

The Lord of the Rings is an odd book, or trilogy, however you’re counting. I’m glad I read it at twelve, appendixes and all; I enjoyed it very much, but I fear the charms of its 1,200 plus pages would have likely eluded me if I’d been any older. Written by an Old English academic- I once cited an academic work of his while writing an essay on Beowulf- and intended to create the Germanic and Finnish myths he so loves, it isn’t a style of writing we’re used to in modern times. These days we have a literary genre called “fantasy”; that wasn’t so clearly the case at the time, and indeed The Hobbit was written for children. One odd thing about Lord of the Rings is the huge change from children’s pride in the shire to epic narrative for the rest of the novel but it is, of course, a work of genius.

So how does Peter Jackson film such a book? Well, brilliantly. His native New Zealand is a magnificent setting, and his cast is superb- Ian McKellen May stand out, but Christopher Lee is utter perfection as Saruman. Yet just as important is the magnificent direction and the scene that, for me, stands out is Christopher Lee’s performance in the scene where we discover that Saruman has betrayed Gandalf- the scene is a perfect synthesis of actor and camera as the extraordinary subtleties of Lee’s performance are echoes perfectly by the movements of the camera.

Wisely, Jackson does a faithful adaptation without cutting corners and, indeed, takes things from the appendixes to flesh out the narrative- particularly in an expanded role for Saruman which helps with the plot at this early stage but also, with Sauron himself being just an eye, giving a face to what the Fellowship is fighting. Seeing the Shire on screen makes is stand out from the high fantasy surrounding it: it’s odd to see a British work of high fantasy that features American crops such as tobacco and potatoes- or perhaps the “weed” is something else? It would make a lot of sense.

There’s one thing I don’t get, though. What’s so special about Sean Bean’s “One does not just walk into Mordor?” It’s a fairly nondescript line so why all them memes?

Doctor Who: The Tsuranga Conundrum

“It just ate my sonic!”

Well, I admit I’ve been waiting all season so far to say this, but, well, that was very Chibnall, wasn’t it? It wasn’t awful, but it wasn’t great either. It just... was.

The regular cast are as great as ever, of course. And the Pting is a great monster, very Pokemon, both a cool concept and (this may be controversial...) looks awesome. The whole thing looks classy and well made, although it’s rather obviously the cheap studio episode full of inexpensive but adequate sets.

There are some nice sci-fi concepts too- l loved the concept of junk galaxies and, of course, the pregnant bloke, obviously there so Ryan can slowly begin to think about fatherhood and begin to understand his father, just a teenager when he was born. Yet again the four-strong TARDIS crew works well, and they’ve established a strong bond. I’m glad that dialogue early on established they’ve travelled a fair bit since last episode. And yet... it all feels very much by the numbers.

The real saving grace, though, is Jodie, elevating a series of mediocre to quite good scripts by her sheer charisma and Doctorishness. I am already seriously impressed by her, but I’m beginning to become really quite concerned by the humdrum nature of the scripts. Yes, Chibnall make good showrunner decisions, but his scripts are as formulaic and unispiring as ever they were. That was fine when he contributed just the odd script but not when he writes the bulk of the season, as he has so far. He can do character, he can do the big picture, but he’s lacking in depth, coolness and fun. And, while his decisions to go for the family audience again are quite correct and clearly successful, I think in the medium term that the standard of scripts needs to aspire to be more than just good enough. This is Doctor Who.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Chosen

“Oh, you know me. Not much on the damselling."

So, this is it, after seven extraordinary and eventful years... and, with this being American network television, we still get the usual 42 minutes. Still, Joss himself is back to write and direct, so we know this will be good. and it bloody well is.

144 episodes ago we began our voyeuristic adventures of the Chosen One, a valley girl, a character always quick with a quip, but fundamentally (as we were often reminded) alone. She experienced lots of fun, lots of angst, lots of excitement, lots of peril and was always a walking feminist statement, a girl who didn’t need a man to rescue her.

The way we end here is the perfect distillation of all that and the perfect feminist statement. Buffy wins by socking it to the patriarchy, by questioning why on Earth there needs to be just the one Slayer just because a bunch of old people with penises said so, and using Willow’s gloriously feminine magic to smash that particular glass ceiling and make damn sure that every Pitentisl becomes a Slayer, now.

Oh, and if that weren’t enough, Buffy starts the episode by affectionately telling Angel to bugger off back to his own show and killing Caleb with a sword to the bollocks. You’ll excuse me if I don’t get up right now, but that’s quite the statement of intent.

There’s nuance, too, of course. The final episode takes time for Buffyvto golf out hope of getting together with Angel one day, to spend one last night with Spike, to imagine both of them wrestling with oil involved. We get to see Kennedy being a lovely girlfriend to Willow again in the night before battle, and signs that Robin may actually have been able to seduce Faith into seeing him as more than a one night stand. Shouldn’t she be off back to prison at the end, though? She’s no longer needed, and there’s more atonement that needs doing. This is the only sour note.

There’s more. We get the D&D scene, Giles gets one last “The Earth is definitely doomed” for old times sake, and Anya gets a heroic death saving Andrew. And then, of course, there’s Spike’s heroic sacrifice, with those heartrending last words as he gently tells Buffy that actually, he knows she doesn’t really love him but he appreciates the little white lie.

And so Sunnydale is gone, just a crater. No more High School, no more Hellmouth, no more mall, no more Bronze. I’ll miss the place. Thank you, Joss Whedon. He’s had a long and magnificent career but let’s not be silly: Buffy is his masterpiece.

Doctor Who: Arachnids in the UK

“Are you Ed Sheeran? Is he Ed Sheeran?”

Another script by Chris Chibnall and another episode which is well made, in this case with superb CGI in particular, but is, well, quite good. And no more than that. Steven Moffat was a genius writer but tended to write for fans (broadly defined) rather than a general family audience. Chibnall seems to be the reverse. Again he seems to be making smart decisions as showrunner, again he writes stuff that the general public seems to like, again he comes up with a script which is, well, ok.

Forget Moffat, though; the true comparison is with RTD, in terms of style if not talent. Season 37 echoes Season 27- The first episode introduces the new Doctor, then we have an episode in the future, one in the past, and then this: what we have here is the analogue for Aliens of London. The TARDISeers return to Sheffield, are embroiled in an exciting adventure with giant spiders and corporate greed (very topical, I suppose, and the script blatantly admits that the baddie is essentially Trump) and then decide to continue travelling. Oh, there are slight differences; Yaz’s mum being suspicious of the Doctor calls to mind Martha’s mum in Season 29. And indeed the whole TARDIS crew dynamic calls to mind Season One, but the point is, of course, that this is Doctor Who as a set formula, calculated carefully to use what works. What’s this with no pre-titles, though? That certainly seems to be a thing by now.

“Quite good” is still good, though; the spiders look great, and this Hallowe’en episode is suitably full of jump scares. Jodie Whittaker is still absolutely the Doctor, and I like all of Yaz, Ryan and Graham. The dynamic works well, with an ensemble cast allowing for characterisation to be shared out more. The direction is superb, especially the opening shots. And the ending, where all three of the Doctor’s friends choose to stay, is interesting. The Doctor seems very keen to mak sure they all make an informed decision to stay, and emphasises that she can’t guarantee their safety. Is someone going to die?

The bottom line is, though, that yet again I find an episode just quite good, no more than that. I want Doctor Who to amaze me again. Please?

The Birds (1963)

" I have never known birds of different species to flock together. The very concept is unimaginable. Why, if that happened, we wouldn't stand a chance. How could we possibly hope to fight them?"

This is probably the last film I'll be blogging before Hallowe'en. I wanted to do a horror film and considered all sorts- there were all sorts of more obvious candidates, but this film seemed irresistible. And it was the right choice.

I'd like to start with how I just don't care that the bird effects are sometimes dated and not quite right; it was 1963,the film is sufficiently well made to render it a minor issue (it's Hitchcock), and it works in context. But this film makes birds terrifying, and makes you fear that they will, indeed, all gang up together, attack you and peck out your eyes. It’s also a fascinating early ‘69s artefact in which everyone is Mr This or Mrs That, men wear hats and indeed suits for dinner at weekends, and there are all sorts of small “c” conservative indicators yet you just know that none of these people are so moronic as to have voted for that orange wanker. Sigh.

It’s a horror film through and through, with birds terrorising a Californian seaside town gradually but totally. Wonderfully, it offers no explanation of why birds have suddenly attacked humans, but it hints at a bleak, perhaps apocalyptic future while leaving the wider world building to our imagination, focusing on Melanie and her obsession with the handsome but rude Mitch and his interestingly characterised family. The main characters are all compelling and, indeed, the early scenes, very Hitchcock-like, appear to be pointing towards a screwball comedy, with the first scene being blatant romantic farce. But Hitchcock tends to play with genre tropes and then change path, which he does here with perfection.

Tippi Hedren is superb, yes, as is the entire cast. But the real star here is Hitchcock as he once again breaks new ground. Suspense, real horror, perfect for this fiendish season.

Angel: Peace Out

"I know she's a lie!"

And so the whole Jasmine storyline ends, suddenly. It works, it’s a good piece of telly, but you can see the joins as Angel is sidelined off in some CGI dimension where cliffhangers are easily resolved and high priests taunt him about his relationship with his son. Still, this strand successfully builds up what would otherwise be a deus ex machina ending in which Jasmine’s powers are suddenly revoked when Angel suddenly arrives.

As for the other cliffhanger, it feels a bit of a cheat that none of the rest of the gang are killed, instead spending most of the episode in a cell while the drama happens between Jasmine and Connor, who is the episode’s real focus. Still, at least the shared experience has seemingly brought the gang together and papered over some of their differences.

It’s explicitly revealed that Connor has always seen Jasmine’s real face, but doesn’t care. He needs something to believe in and, as he says in his little soliloquy beside a comatose Cordy (has Charisma Carpenter been sacked or something?), it’s nit that he’s naive enough to believe Jasmine but her lies are better than all the other lies.

Interesting, then, that is should be he that kills her, shortly before seemingly sodding off for good, which I suspect many of us wouldn’t mind. Less interesting is the half-hearted debate between Angel and Jasmine about paradise vs. freedom; I trust we all side against tyranny on that one.

So it’s a witty and well-scripted episode, one that actually makes good use of Connor, but one where a good script can’t quite paper over the awkward pacing of the plot, not even with its wit. But we end up with the status quote seemingly restored and our heroes back in the hotel- and up pops the seemingly alive Lilah...

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: End of Days

"Oh! Jaffa Cakes!"

 This is the penultimate episode of Buffy. Ever. So it’s back to good old feminist basics.

All the agency here is female. Yes, Buffy is back, and implicitly the leader again with the agreement of all including Faith, but this time she’s armed with a kick ass MacGuffin and with a largely female gang against a massive evil whose main fighter is a deeply misogynistic man. Her male allies tacitly accept that it’s not about them- Xander leaves town with Dawn to protect her; Giles accepts that research would be better conducted by Willow’s feminine magic, and Andrew is, well, Andrew. Even Angel, turning up at the end, accepts that the fight against Caleb must be Buffy’s alone. Everywhere, female agency abounds.

Which is not to say that all goes well; more redshirt Potentials die. Or that men don’t matter; Spike declares his love for Buffy once more in a meaningful scene. Yet this is a love scene in which traditional gender roles are reversed, with Spike as the supplicant wanting to tie down the hero. But this episodeis one last focus on what the show is about before the last episode where Stuff Happens. Buffy even talks to a mysterious ancient woman who represents the feminine power behind those ancient men who created the acids Slayer and became the Watchers, implying through riddle-like speech that Buffy can only beat the First by doing things differently, perhaps smashing the a Patriarchy a little more.

Other stuff happens, of course. Kennedy looks fated to be an awesome warrior. Anya’s bedside manner is a wonder to behold. Andrew thinks he’ll die in the final battle and seems to have made his peace with that. But we’re all set for that last finale, in terms both of plot and theme. Let’s go...

Doctor Who: Rosa

"You ain't Banksy."

"Or am I?"

Ok, that quite impressed me. It's not the greatest episode ever but it's solid, it works both mechanically and emotionally, and it manages to avoid being overly didactic and preachy as, for me, Vincent and the Doctor was, despite that music. (Well, aside from that song at the end, but we'll come to that). It may not be a particularly deep look at racism, and it may choose a somewhat blatant type of prejudice rather than something more challenging, but it's written by Malorie Blackman who is, I believe, a writer of novels for teenagers, perhaps with that audience in mind. To be fair, though, on that level, it works. It's time to recognise that, while Chibnall may not be on the same level s a writer as RTD or the Moff, his vision of the show- less clever, more kid-friendly- may be closer to what it needs rather than appealing to people like me who will, let's face it, always watch Doctor Who. Besides, I still enjoyed it.

It's impressive how this return to having four TARDISeers, evoking early Hartnell, helps the storytelling and works well with fifty minute contained episodes. It's also nice to see the characters interact- Ryan and Yas discussing racism, Graham and Ryan bonding a little but not quite there, Jodie Whittaker being absolutely the Doctor. It's also interesting, for the first time since The Time Meddler, to see a story entirely about a cat and mouse game changing the little things that can alter history. There's no physical threat here, just a threat to the timeline, but it's chilling that the time travelling antagonist is a racist from  future where racism still exists. After all, here we are, sixty-three years after Rosa Parks refused to get off that bus, and racism is still there, Trump is president, and today's news is full of voter suppression in today's Georgia. Did Jim Crow ever really go away?

Still, we get a nice balance between showing racism in action in the Jim Crow Deep South and having the Doctor and gang put it into context with dialogue which nevertheless feels natural. It’s nicecto seecthevDoctor and Graham forced to be complicit at the end. And we get a celebrity historical cameo from Martin Luther King. And I'll admit I didn't recognise Vinette Robinson from Sherlock until Mrs Llamastrangler pointed her out.

It's interesting, on a more banal note, so see again that, while continuity is much more subtle under Chibnall and  much friendlier to the casual viewer, he still cares about consistency; here we have mentions of Artron Energy, Stormcage (but not River Song) and a Vortex Manipulator. But ultimately this is a good episode but perhaps not a memorable one. And, while I'm no purist and don't object to a song being played over the closing titles, does it have to be such sub-X-Factor chart fodder?

Sigh. I liked it. I really did. It's just that I've become accustomed over the last several years to using a stronger word than "liked".

Evil Dead 2 (1987)

"You bastards! You dirty bastards!"

Well then. This is quite the most splendidly disgusting film I've ever seen, knocking its predecessor into a cocked hat. Outrageously cheeky, too: it blatantly retcons the events of the first film within the first few minutes, making it very clear that Ash is the hero here. And Bruce Campbell is magnificent: simultaneously camp and macho, the Adam West of the slasher film.

Let’s be honest; this film doesn’t have so much a plot as a series of set pieces, but who cares when you’re having this much fun? I laughed out loud several times. I jumped several times. I loved the it with the late Lisa’s head and sharp teeth in Ash’s crotch- ouch. I loved the entire sequence with Ash’s hand turning evil. I loved all the blood, the cheerful bad taste, the Grand Guignol silliness. And best of all this is 1987, and CGI doesn’t really exist yet. It’s all done by stop motion, and if the monsters look like Muppets, frankly who cares? Any film in which a severed eye can fly across the room and end up in someone’s mouth is fine by me. Never before has a horror film been quite so much unadulterated fun.

And then there’s the delightfully random and sequel-hunting mediaeval ending, just when you things can’t get any more fun. Ok, this may not be the best film I’ve seen this year. But it’s easiky the most fun.

Iron Man 2 (2010)

"If there's one thing I've proven, it's that you can count on me to pleasure myself."

I loved the first film. I love this one too. Not as much as the first film, but a lot.

Yes, the plot may meander a bit, and contain a predictable bit where the hero hits rock bottom, but it works. Robert Downey Jr is still born to play Tony Stark. Gwyneth Paltrow is a fine Pepper, yet again, and still has great charisma with Downey. And Don Cheadle is much better as Rhodey. We also get loads and loads and loads of Tony being charismatic and Iron Man action sequences. That gets us halfway there already. And then there’s the Elon Musk cameo...

The conceit works- Tony is dying from the very thing that keeps him alive, and so needs to develop things from his father’s past while Justin Hammer acts as antagonist and this time the baddie is a rather different variation on Whiplash. Plus we get a splendid big set piece at the Monaco Grand Prix, and a lot of world building; there’s a lot about Nick Fury’s Avengers Initiative, we meet Black Widow and discover a familiar-looking old shield. And the post-credits points it all toward to Thor. It’s positively nostalgic seeing all these early MCU films. But the film works on its own terms, carried along by strong characters and a superb cast even if the plot, while perfectly decent, doesn’t quite have the narrative flow if the first film. Three films in and the MCU is going strong.

Angel: Sacrifice

"Anyone else feel like the last feisty wife in Stepford?"

Last episode showed us life under Jasmine. This episode develops it a bit- Jasmine has now got the Governor to surrender all of California to her, and indeed the Archbishop of Los Angeles to devote his cathedral to worship of her. But essentially this episode, now that the status quo of Jasmine, is about progressing the plot as Angel and the gang escape, regroup, and start to figure out how they can end all this.

Except Connor. He's had Cordy's blood, he can see what Jasmine really is, presumably with maggots and all. But he doesn't care; for once he can belong to something, And, my God, the boy is so unbelievably annoying at this point, not questioning Jasmine even when she moves Cordy somewhere else. Incidentally, once again Charisma Carpenter is called upon to do no more than act unconscious.

We begin with the gang heroically escaping to, er, the sewers, where they get to hide from Jasmine for a bit. And, perhaps, conveniently, Wes thereby discovers an insect-like demon thing that provides a clue, insisting that "we loved her first" and letting slip that Jasmine's weakness is her true name. If you think about it too hard this is somewhat too convenient, but it's handled with just enough sleight of hand.

So, when the National Guard inevitably comes for them- led by Connor with, creepily, Jasmine's voice- its time for a double cliffhanger as Angel jumps through a portal to the dimension of the incredibly powerful and fanatical mantis things, while the rest of them face a fight against hopeless odds. Ah, Angel. You do like to be so gloriously random come the end of the season, don't you?

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Touched

"Your performance as a disgruntled minion was spot on"

"I'm method."

It’s an interesting way to do the episode just before the two part final battle, just after the episode in which our titular heroine has hit rock bottom, rejected by all her friends. In a way it’s catharis for last episode; in a way it’s also a way to get everyone to have sex before a big battle before some of them, and not all of them redshirt Potentials, will die. Perhaps it’s convenient that the First and Caleb are busy in their cave this episode, but it’s important that we slow down and do all this character stuff.

It’s uncomfortable without Buffy and Faith- crude, uneducated, is unsteady as leader. That much is clear. Her plan to kidnap a Bringer and make it talk is good, and Dawn’s linguistic skills in magic lore (Ottoman Turkish this week) are impressive, but they don’t discover anything not already found out by Spike, Andrew and Buffy.

As for Spike, he’s not happy with what he finds on his returns and has some harsh and truthful words for Willow’s blatantly practised speech (“You sad, sad, ungrateful traitors”), some fists for Faith, and some harsh words for them all. And when he finds Buffy he finds her so very down- Sarah Michelle Gellar does a scarily realistic performance as a depressed person.

But this is an episode about healing, so out he comes with the uplifting, cathartic pep talk, reminding Buffy who she is. And this leads to a cuddle, and then some healing sex.

Cue more healing sex back at the house, before the big battle. Faith and Robin- I called it- Willow and Kennedy, even Anya and Xander. It’s lovely, but by the laws of drama it must also be ominous.

So Buffy and Faith & co make simultaneous assaults on the vineyard, where a reenergised Buffy runs rings around Caleb by dancing like a butterfly. She discovers what looks like a useful MacGuffin. Unfortunately Faith finds a time bomb...

It’s starting.

Doctor Who: The Ghost Monument

"I can't remember who I borrowed them off now. It was either Audrey Hepburn or Pythagoras."

Ok, so they can't all be that good; it's Chris Chibnall after all. His first alien story as showrunner and we get a decent but fairly pedestrian tale about a rally between planets and the planet of the booby traps. Which is not to slag the story off; I liked it. I just wouldn't use a stronger word than "liked".

Still, aside from the story of the week, and those niggling worries about his talents for adventure storytelling and science fantasy concepts, that doesn't necessary make him a bad showrunner. Again he's showing signs of being good at developing characters, which could bode well- and yes, I will see Broadchurch soon.

Our TARDIS crew (well, not yet...) of four is looking curiously similar to Ian, Barbara and Susan in that we have a sort-of "grandfather"; I already like the sort-of-familial relationship between Graham and Ryan, and this is going to grow. Yasmin is perhaps not so well fleshed out at this stage (will she and Ryan have a will-they-won't-they like Ian and Barbara?) But there's plenty of time. And still, of course, Jodie Whittaker is the Doctor; as Mrs Llamastrangler pointed out, it's satisfying to her her saying "run".

Again her gender matters not. Well, except for a good old cheap laugh, that is: "Come to Daddy- I mean, Mummy". But she is completely and utterly Doctorish throughout, in circumstances that display that Doctorishness magnificently. But... Chibnall seems to have yet another bit of backstory for her, as one of the Shrouds of Doom refer to her as "the timeless child" and "an outcast", something which clearly strikes a nerve and which clearly is intended to be picked up on. This is clearly another arc about the Doctor's past; I hope it fits with all the others.

It's nice to see that this "jumping on point", while being carefully continuity-lite, isn't averse to the odd nod to the past such as the mention of Venusian Aikido (from Venusian nuns, apparently). And it appears that last week's baddies- the Stenza- may end up as this season's Big Bad. But all that pales next to the fact that the TARDIS is finally back, redecorated inside and out, after a nice little character moment where the Doctor is close to giving up hope but her three friends aren't. The new interior is awesome- I love the Heath Robinson style of ho it works, the lighting, and the biscuit. Will the Doctor take them straight home? Just as with Ian and Barbara, we know she won't.

And the new theme is also awesome, and the opening title sequence is rather Pertwee, I feel, as opposed to the closing sequence being very Tom. In fact, a lot about Doctor Who is awesome now; it looks so much more cinematic. I don't think the budget has gone up, but it gives the illusion of having done so. And if the scripts are merely good, so far that's ok.

RoboCop 2 (1990)

"What about democracy? Nobody elected you."

"Anyone can buy OCP's stock and own a piece of our city. What could be more democratic than that?"

It's been six long years since I blogged the excellent first film; a superbly written and shot dystopia about privatisation and corporate greed that was very Paul Verhoeven. It was hard to imagine how a sequel would not disappoint. Yet this doesn’t. It’s a superb film and a fine sequel.

But perhaps we should expect no less from Irving Kershner, he of The Empire Strikes Back: he has, after all, directed the greatest sequel of all time. Here he doesn’t quite reach the same heights but he does something similar- following an iconic director in a self-effacing yet worthy way. Kershner isn’t a director with a distinct style of his own, but as a craftsman of cinema he’s superb.

Hence we get a film that’s very faithful to its predecessor’s style, with the satirical commercials not looming quite so large but certainly present and correct, and with many familiar faces returning to the same Detroit which faces the same dystopian problems, courtesy of a superb script from an at-his-peak Frank Miller, writing for cinema at a time when comics scribes were not so well-respected as they are now.

And, of course, again we have a hard-boiled Hollywood film where, unusually, the message is clearly a left-wing one. We begin with OCP, owners of the privatised  police force, cutting their wages by 40% and cancelling their pensions, leading to inevitable strikes. There’s an uber-addictive drug called Nuke, there’s a kingpin called Cain and a child gangster called Hob, but the real villain is the anorak and grasping OCP, who deliberately engineer for the city to become hopelessly in debt to it so they can privatise the whole thing. And, much as RoboCop may defeat Cain, who has been turned into the body horrific and fourth wall breaking “RoboCop 2”, The film ends with OCP seeming to succeed in this, and getting away with this through a little scapegoating.

There’s lots of touching character stuff, too- the bit where Murphy pretends not to recognise his wife to protect her is heart-wrenching- but it’s all done perfectly in the same slightly cyberpunk corporate dystopia of the first film. This is how to do a sequel. So can we have another one please?

Green Lantern (2011)

"You haven't just been replaced by an alien or something?"

It's so frustrating. This film has stuff going for it. It could easily have not been rubbish with a few tweaks. But sadly that was not to be, and rubbish it is.

There’s so much potential here. Ryan Reynolds is genuinely great as Hal Jordan. The Guardians and hordes of alien Green Lanterns look awesome, particularly Mark Strong as Sinestro and a great cameo from Michael Clarke Duncan as Kilowog. All of that side of things is great; the whole thing looks fantastic, the fans get what they want. But no amount of polishing can disguise the fact that the script is a turd.

It tries to be epic, it really does. But it starts with a load of CGI aliens we don’t care about, for ages, and then moves to an extended F-35 dogfight. All visual spectacle, no heart, no real humour, no character, until the film is quite a long way in. And, while Ryan Reynolds is great at giving us a well-rounded Hal whom we can like, the film never really recovers from that. We aren’t given time to know and care about any of the characters until the plot starts in earnest. And there’s an awkward moment where Hal “wins” his dogfight by going to high altitude and the same stunt saves him at the end, which looks awkwardly derivative of Iron Man. And then there’s the onviousness of the plot- you know, man-child with aimless life and problems with responsibility is given great power and responsibility that he supposedly deserves; seems undeserving and gives up; is persuaded by a beautiful woman to try again and saves the world. This sort of formula isn’t unusual in Hollywood, but it’s seldom so blatant.

And it’s a real shame; the film is well shot and well made. But, well, it’s the script, stupid.

Angel: The Magic Bullet

"I've been so alone, so scared. I'm not like you. I'm not a champion."

The first few minutes of this episode are deeply effective; an old fashioned, happy LA with a prominent ‘50s car and a Beach Boys soundtrack. It all looks idyllic- until we see that Fred is being chased and is lucky to escape. Winifred Burkle, alone, against not only her friend but a city that is slowly becoming a hive mind, where everyone is the eyes and ears for Jasmine. Things seem hopeless, but despite the quote above Fred is a hero.

This is the episode that shows what a completely Jasmine-controlled LA is like, with the hotel crammed full of worshippers and a terrifying, stultifying conformity that is bad enough before we even start asking about the people Jasmine seems to take to her room. And when Connor asks where they went she simply says “I ate them”. She can do whatever the hell she wants and is clearly evil.

I like the interlude with the hand-eating demon, butvthe sheer hopeless drives Fred to seemingly surrender- only to shoot Angel Through Jasmine, thereby mixing their bloods and reversing the spell. It’s clever, she’s clever, and she and Angel are able to do what’s necessary for the plot and free the minds of the whole gang. Yes, it’s a stretch that the blood of Cordelia, comatose mother of the goddess  (what about Charisma Carpenter?) will do the same thing, butbthe rpisode gets awY with it, and is a bloody well-crafted 42 minutes of television.

It’s depressingly predictable, of course, that Connor should betray them even after they’ve seen the light. What are we going to do with that boy?

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Empty Places

"I keep waiting for my other senses to improve 50%. That'll kick in any day now."

The end is nigh, and after six previous seasons we know that the narrative requires a wedge between the Scoobies in afvance of the final battle. We’ve already seen a bit of this with the ongoing estrangement between Buffy and Giles, but the end of this episode sees this sort of thing taken to its devastating extreme, with Buffy being kicked out of her own home by her own sister.

It’s made very clear that things are dire. There’s a mass exodus from Sunnyvale, including Clem. School is closed. No one has any way of fighting back against the horrible misogynistic Caleb, whose dialogue is horrifying and who represents an acting triumph from the great Nathan Fillion.

There’s a little humour early on, yes, with Anya’s lecture which ends up with Andrew writing “break-up sex on the board, but otherwise things are unrelentingly grim. Thevdull teality of Xander losing an eye really hits home; it’s devastating to see Willow about to cry when Xander makes a quip about being spared Jaws 3-D, and Xander simply saying “Please don’t.”

Morale is rock bottom, and Faith’s attempt to cheer up the troops by taking them to the Bronze goes horribly wrong. The police are carefully stated to be “Hellmouthed” and shown to be brutal and corrupt so that we root for Faith against them. Fair enough. But I still expect her to return to prison when this is all over. As we established long ago, slayers are no better than other people and shouldn’t have privileged status.

Faith and Robin seem to connect. And Spike and Andrew go off on a mission that may provide useful knowledge against Caleb. But things are miserable, especially after Xander Returns with that horrible injury. So the response to Buffy’s plan- to attack the Vineyard again because it’s obviously important- meets a negative response from even those closest to her. Buffy doesn’t help herself by saying the wrong things; slayers are no better than other people. It’s a hard hitting ending, but Buffy gets the last word, pointing out that Faith now has to cope with the burden of leadership.

Angel: Shiny Happy People

"Even before you were born, I chose you to be my father."

Just as with two seasons ago, with the adventures on Pylea, the status quo has changed utterly for the last few episodes, with the baby of Cordelia (asleep all episode) and Connor turning out to be Jasmine, a good-nature’s paragon of virtue and a goddess whom everyone feels the urge to worship, including our heroes, who under her leadership swiftly free LA from all the vampires and demons which are oppressing it. Or is she?

This episode feels weird; first Angel and Connor fall under her spell, returning to the hotel to the horror of their friends, with Wesley trying to convince them they’ve been manipulated. Yet, as soon as Jasmine arrives, they all drop to their knees. It’s deeply disconcerting, as well as unusual to see Gina Torres (Firefly has just been cancelled) in a part like this.

Of course, a chink in her armour soon appears as just one of many worshippers suddenly shouts that she is a “monster” and “deserves to die”. This is rationalised as hate... until Fred randomly sees Jasmi’s probable true face, with maggots everywhere. This breaks the spell for her and she ends up on the run, the only person in the whole city not under Jasmine’s spell. Yep; finally we get a situation in which Fred is unambiguously the hero. The scene in which first Wesley and then the whole gang turns against her is chilling.

This episode consists mainly of set up and establishing a new status quo, so it’s best, I think, to reserve judgement for now. But yet again we see why Angel, with no status quo that can ever be relied upon, is indeed the televisual equivalent of Chris Claremont’s run on X-Men. And that is high praise indeed.

Doctor Who: The Woman Who Fell to Earth

“Sorry. Half an hour ago I was a white haired Scotsman...”

No opening title sequence. No reprise of the regeneration. Just the above line, some interesting dialogue about the process of adapting to a new persona, and Peter Capaldi’s clothes. Those aside, we have only the perennials of the programme to guide us into what does indeed look very much like, ahem, a “jumping on point”.

We’ve had few spoilers and an incredible vagueness in publicity; personally, I’ve never known less about a new season of Doctor Who. I mean, beyond next week we don’t even know the episode titles. We know to expect easier-to-follow storytelling and no old monsters for this season, but that's it.

So what did we get? Well, I'm impressed. Chibnall's stuff has been variable in the past to say the least, as least with Who (I haven't seen any Broadchurch but will remedy that very, very soon, trust me), but here he nails it. A simple plot (a policy aim, I understand; I yield to no one in my Moffat fanboyishness but even I will accept that his complex plotting, brilliant though it is, is wont to drive away the kids), likeable characters in Ryan- a decent kid held back by his dyspraxia; Yasmin, his old school friend and now rookie copper; and Graham, his cancer survivor step-grandad- and of course his Nan, who dies heartbreakingly by falling off a pylon thingy while saving the day. Such a very Tom way to die, as we old fans know, and the culmination of some very good writing to get us (and the new Doctor, of whom more in a bit) to like these four (soon to be three) new friends.

The whole thing looks amazing, indeed cinematic, although there is perhaps a darkness to the visuals which isn't necessarily there in the script. I can't deny that the direction is superb; I can, however, worry that the veering towards a horror film style may drive away younger viewers as surely as complex plots. That shot of the baddie with teeth all over his face terrified Mrs Llamastrangler.

And Jodie Whittaker? She is, simply, the Doctor. Her every line, her every act, is Doctorishness incarnate.She's superb. There's nothing more to it than that. The fact that she happens to be this or that gender is completely and utterly meh. It's interesting that, a token short period of unconsciousness and lots of exposition about how she's still forming aside (and that nice subtle touch of the little bit of regeneration energy) she's up and running and active and Doctoring from the start, much as Matt Smith, and is very much the more broadly Doctorish type- a Tom, or a Tennant, or a Troughton rather than one of the irascible ones. But we shall see.

Interesting that we start without a TARDIS- it appears that this will be resolved next episode, along with an explanation as to what happened; fortunately the Doctor ends up,with the dead alien's transmat thingy in order to get her to the necessary planet. Along with Yasmin, Ran and Graham. Oops. We also get a new sonic screwdriver, "now with added Sheffield steel", a very Sheffield feel with some awesome shots of the Peak District, a traditional debut episode confrontation scene, and a joyous new costume scene. Overall this is an impressive new debut to the new era and the new Doctor. And Chibnall? He done good, and his strong point seems to be characters over plot. Let's hope that being able to create everything to his liking continues to play to his strengths. For now, though, I'm excited.

Love the theme tune and closing sequence too- very Tom, but very modern.

Batman Returns (1992)

"I'm tired of wearing masks."

I haven't seen this since 1992, at the old Cannon cinema in Hinckley. I don't much remember what I thought of it then, but I like it a lot now. It doesn't quite beat its predecessor for me (sorry, Nick!)- it doesn't quite have the depth, visual elegance or Batman screentime- but Tim Burton leaves the franchise with two superb films under his utility belt.

Batman’s lack of screen time here is a surprise- Batman and Bruce Wayne are little more than a plot function here, with Michael Keaton not given much interesting stuff to do, especially as compared with the first film. But then we must remember that this isn’t primarily a franchise film but a Tim Burton film; the film is about the Penguin and Catwoman.

Interestingly, though, neither of the two traditional villains are wholly evil; that accolade goes to the splendidly named Max Shrek, a corrupt and morally depraved businessman whose Nosferatu-inspired name fits well with the film’s aesthetic for Gotham. He’s the catalyst for Catwoman. Selina Kyle, a downtrodden and humiliated secretary, single, alone and browbeaten by all and sundry, finds out stuff she shouldn’t and is thrown out of a high window, losing the first of her nine lives, and something snaps. At first it looks as though there’s a bit of a feminist message here, especially as Catwoman’s first outing is to rescue a woman from a man in a dark alley, but this doesn’t go anywhere. Still, Michelle Pfeiffer is pretty good and the kinky latex costume and whip looks cool- although it sort of takes over from the whole cat thing. Still, an impressive treatment of the character.

The treatment of Danny DeVito’s Penguin is much more radical; this Oswald Cobblepot grew up in the sewers, abandoned, and the only cigarette holder to be seen is that of his father, glimpsed early on. The umbrellas and monocle are present and correct, but this is a much more feral Penguin, no angel but genuinely vulnerable, and bordering even on likeable if he were not so lecherous.

These characters are fascinating, and what the film  is about, much more so than Batman or even Gotham. This is notably much more of a Tim Burton film and less of a Batman film than its predecessor, and the respective values you place on those two categories will probably decide which of the two you prefer. Personally, I may like this one less but it is nonetheless superb.

Psycho (1960)

"We all go a little mad sometimes..."

Wow. This film is a bit good, innit?

I suppose what strikes me, aside from the sheer power of the shower scene and the suddenly artier camerawork with  Marion’s corpse, something which is profoundly effective- and brave, doing something so arty in a film pitched at such a mainstream audience.

But the genius of the film isn’t limited to individual scenes or shots, or indeed to the gloriously radical decision of killing off what we’re implicitly told is the main protagonist halfway through. No; it’s the masterful code-switching between parts of the film which feel like ordinary drama and parts which ramp up the tension and unease- and the sheer mastery of switching between them.

This is a Hitchcock film, of course; you expect tension. Janet Leigh is superb, and carries the film, in thosezearly scenes where she’s on the run and evading the ever-present police. But once we reach the Bates Motel, the mood changes- or rather, it doesn’t, at least not immediately. The excellent Anthony Perkins comes across as lonely, weak, a little dorky perhaps, but he feels normal at first, and we (and Marion) feel at ease.

And then we don’t.

The sudden switch where Marion says the wrong thing to Norman- about putting his mother away- is deeply effective, and that’s certainly down to the performance but also down to the direction; suddenly the entire visual grammar of the film changes and the way the camera is used- the very thing that controls our sense of reality- suddenly becomes uncomfortable, unnerving. And stats that way whenever Hitchcock wants it to.

What lingers, though, is that extraordinary final shot of Bates looking as scary, through sheer acting, as anything in all of cinema. Superb.

High Noon (1952)

"I've got to.That's the whole thing."

It's been far too long since I did a classic western so, well, here's one. And let's not beat about the bush; it's a superb piece of cinema about one man who chooses to stand and fight even though no one else will. It's been said (interestingly given the story behind it) that this is an allegory for McCarthyism but it stands as a monument to non-conformity of all kinds- as well as those perennial Western values and doing the right thing no matter what the potential cost.

Gary Cooper looks old as Will Kane but, oddly enough, this works; Will is retiring as marshal on the day of his wedding to his young bride (and weddings in the old West seem crap; in the morning, no music, no booze...!) until he hears that a killer he once put away is returning to terrorise the town- and kill him. So Will turns around and the clock starts ticking- literally: we constantly see clocks and the film runs down in near real time until the arrival of the baddie by train at noon. And Gary Cooper looks ever more old, tired, hopeless and sweat-ridden as the minutes go by and the hope drains away. As he admits to a shockingly young Lloyd Bridges, he's scared. But he does the right thing.

And he does so alone; his new wife has seemingly abandoned him and, unexpectedly, the film consists not of action- in fact, until the last few minutes, there isn't much of this, but of slow, desperate debate as Will spends most of the film trying to get someone, anyone, to stand by him as he's stood by them. And no one does- except his wife, at the last minute, after she's had a good talking to. It's a fascinating point both of the moral cowardice of the majority and the nobility of doing the right thing even, indeed especially, if no one else does.

All this is superbly shot with plenty of tension and restrained terror. This film is justly revered and makes me want to see more acclaimed westerns.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Dirty Girls

"Why would Faith kill a person who studies Vulcans?"

Wow. That’s an amazingly compact but efficient “previously on” that manages to cover an awful lot of ground. I’m impressed.

Everything about this ominously serious episodes points to something shocking terrible happening. From the constant reminders of how the Potentials are untested, to Xander’s rousing speech about how Buffy cares about their lives which makes it certain that something bad will happen to him, to the atmosphere of doom and gloom, we expect something tragic to happen.

In the meantime we get introduced to the darkly misogynistic and manipulative Caleb, a superb preacher-like villain played by the ever-superb Nathan Fillion, recent refugee from Firefly. Caleb gives a face and personality to the First, somethingbthat was previously missing, and is both enormously charismatic and (as we shockingly see at the end) strong enough to swat away slayers like flies. We also have Faith’s awkward return to Sunnyvale, where under the circumstances she’s certainly welcome but doesn’t fit in. But she and Spike bond over their shared bad past, their shared kinky natures, and the revelation that they have in fact had some incredible sex in the past when Faith was pretending to be Buffy. First impressions and all that...

It’s weird, although inevitable, to see Faith and Dawn recognise each other though.

We also see Buffy and Robin reconcile, although he fires her; she has far more important things to do.  But much of the interaction concerns the wisdom of Buffy’s proposed attack on Caleb- both Giles (still in the doghouse) and Xander disagree, which I’m sure is something we will return to next episode. But we end with the assault on the First and, of course, evedything goes wrong as a redshirt Potential is killed- and Xander loses an eye.

A tensexand superb bit of telly, then, that makes it clear we’re now entering the final stretch.

Angel: Inside Out

"Guy steps out for a few hours, half the place goes supervillain."

This episode is about as much a game changer as it’s possible to be. Cordy has been exposed and confronted as the baddie and is freed to spend all of her time quite openly mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ing. Except, that is, she’s still grooming (the word gets used) and gaslighting Connor.

Ah, Connor. We’ve discussed how annoying he is before, but he creaky crosses a line here, and seems as though he’s genuinely meant to come across as an annoying little shit. Even his mother’s ghost, sent by the Powers to speak to him, are unable to get through. He’s completely under the spell of whatever’s controlling Cordelia, and goes as far as to be an accessory to the cold-blooded murder of an innocent girl. His hands are quite literally dipped in blood.

We learn a lot, too; the thing controlling Cordy has been manipulating events for a long time, including Cordy’s ascension and an awful lot of recent events. Much seems to be depressingly pre-ordained, although Gunn gets a wonderful speech about how some amount of agency still exists. Skip, of course, has always been in on it and is, in fact, evil.

We also get a big montage of how it was in fact Cordy who did all sorts of unexplained things over the course of many episodes, and Wesley comes to realise that it was her who killed Lilah. It’s moving to see the renewed friendship between Angel and Wes here as Angel cares because Wes does, a nice moment.

It all ends with a flash of light as the baby is born and turns out to be Gina Torres, getting a compensation role after the cancellation of Firefly. And everyone kneels before her. Yet another twist in a series that glories in having no status quo. This is brilliant stuff and it’s looking awfully like a rather brilliant series with not long to go.