The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003)

"The eagles are coming!"

So. I finally find three and a bit to complete the trilogy, a feat possible only during the Chrimbo limbo at a time when the little one is ith the in-laws. And yes, my disgracefully pretentious beginning was indeed a reference to Seamus Heaney's translation of Beowulf... no, stay with me. This blog post won't dissolve into pretentiousness, I assure you. I've had a bottle of wine, honest...

Tolkien was a scholar of Old English, and of other ancient Germanic tongues and heroic culture. This all, of course, was perverted for racist reasons- the most racist reasons imaginable- by Hitler's twelve year reign of unspeakableness. A millennium of Germanic literature must be held to exist on its on terms and not be defined by these monsters- as Tolkien himself makes clear in his response to the impertinent question from a Nazi publisher as to whether he has "Jewish blood". Ingeld and Beowulf may have lived in what we called the Dark Ages, but they must not be tainted by the far greater barbarism of the Nazis.

So, that aside... well, obviously, this is superb. The same stellar cast aside from the usual touch of plywood from orlanso Bollom, wit even John Rhys Davies being a splendid actor in spite of being a right wing conspiracy theorist twat; superb visuals and battle scenes that enthrall even me, perennially bored by such things; the narrative splendidly remixed for cinema in a way that works well dramatically. There may be no Scouring of the Shire, and Aragorn's use of Kinsfoil may be neglected somewhat even in the extended edition, but it's good not to have quite as many endings as in the novel.

What strikes me, though, more than either of the other two instalments, is how much the ethos of the film- that is, the defence of Gondor against the orcs and not the boring Frodo subplot, less dull by far than in the novel but still dragging- owes to the emotion and noble warrior passion of Anglo-Saxon poetry, which is not exactly about romance or daffodils, homoerotic overtones aside. Although Elrond’s words to Aragorn being in iambic pentameter may not be quite contemporaneous with this- but Tolkien’s literary bent is reflected in the dialogue, for which we should be grateful.

The film, and indeed the trilogy, is a triumph. Even though Christopher Lee isn’t in this one.

The Goonies (1985)

"Nothing exciting ever happens here anyway..."

I was eight in 1985. And this is the first time I've ever seen this film. Yes, I know.

So, what’s it like, seeing this for the first time at the age of forty-two? Well, I rather enjoyed it, and not least because of the bizarreness of seeing Sam from Lord of the Rings and Thanos as brothers. It’s a pirate themed adventure story-cum-comedy, complete with comedy criminal baddies, scripted but not shot by Steven Spielberg and seemingly intended as very much Indiana Jones (a hot property in 1985) for kids- even to the point of casting Ke Huy Quan.

There are lots of booby traps, Heath Robinson style escapades and silly gadgets, mostly from Data, and even the opening of the gate early on is the coolest thing ever. It’s essentially for kids and I’m really probably too old to appreciate it, but there’s also a little bit of subtle romance wiry the teenage Josh Brolin and a splendid comeuppance for some evil property developers.

Maybe there’s an uncomfortable focus on Chunk’s Jewishness but, then again, the part is both written and played by a Jewish person. And the character of Sloth is probably not one we’d see these days.But this is a pretty much faultless ‘80s classic that I really, really should have seen back in the day when I used to constantly see the poster reproduced here in the pages of the UK reprint of Secret Wars II. Lessons learned, I think, and better thirty-four years late than never...

Stranger Things: Season 2, Chapter Eight- The Mind Flayer

”Like the Mind Flayer...”

This is an exciting, action packed, penultimate episode full of thrills, anticipation and edge of one’s seat action. It is also, paradoxically, an episode in which, by Stranger Things’ standards, relatively little happens.

The cliffhanger to Episode Six is resolved pretty damn terrifyingly as hordes upon hordes of Demo-dogs emerge and the whole lab is evacuated- and the stragglers are, well, eaten. And then the electricity goes An the place is in complete darkness. Things are not looking good.

Meanwhile a struggling Will is sedated so the Mind Flayer can be safely kept in ignorance, and we see Billy using a disgraceful amount of hairspray for his mullet, which was sadly legal back then. We also see Billy’s abusive twat of a dad, and how cowed and uncomfortable Max’s poor mum is. Billy is just an example of the cycle of abuse, depressingly manifesting itself once again.  But Billy is sent looking for Max, the slightly less terrifying of this episode’s two main threats. Also, he has a poster of “Kill ‘Em All” which is the only ‘80s Metallica album I just don’t get.

There’s an inevitable row between Dustin and Lucas over the revelation that Dustin kept Dart, but this episode is pretty much streamlined around the escape from the lab, and in particular about the unexpected heroics from Bob- decent man, nerd who gets the girl, massive piece of misdirection after all that talk of moving to Maine, after we have all that suspense about him getting to safety with a Demo-dog trying to get him- and then safety not being so safe as a completely different Demo-dog gets him and kills him anyway. It’s a truly shocking and well executed moment, brilliantly shot to shock and tastefully dwelt upon. Bob will be missed and remembered, and not only because he’s the only non-redshirt to die this season so far.

The episode concludes with everyone in dire straits, desperately trying to think of ways to kill the Mind Flayer (and it does indeed behave like said D&D monster), as everyone slowly uses memories to bring Will back to himself. But slowly the Mind Flayer reasserts control and the house is surrounded. There’s no hope. They’re all going to die and all is lost. It’s all brilliantly built up.

And... oh, there’s Eleven.

Stranger Things: Season 2, Chapter Six- The Spy

“So, Jonathan... How was the pull-out?”

Last episode has taken its toll; both Will and Hopper are rushed straight to hospital, or rather to medical treatment in the lab. Shades of grey there may of course be, but functionally and very conveniently the scientists are goodies this time round.

Meanwhile Dustin and the increasingly likeable Steve, while hunting for Dart (Dustin has found no one else to be available!), have found the little darling to have escaped and, implicitly, to have grown rather larger, having shed its skin. It escaped through a hole it made into one of those tunnels. Oops. Naughty Dustin.

Meanwhile the scientists from the lab are fully brought up to speed, effectively joining our gang of Scoobies as a resource of redshirts. And, on a totally unscientific note, our conspiracy theory friend is very perceptive about Nancy and Jonathan (“We like Steve. But we don’t love Steve.” His influence at last leafs to the end of that simmering sexual tension, which is easily as useful as helping them to get justice for Barb.

Lucas, after being so thoroughly disbelieved last time, convinced Max to come with him and see some proof, sneaking past her dodgy and racist “brother”. This is all part of getting everyone back together again as the two of them soon run into Justin and Steve. Meanwhile, the Shadow Monster seems to be taking over Will more and more as he is forgetting things and appearing like someone who has dementia, something hard to watch in one so young. Even worse is that burning the monsters, the only thing that seems to kill them, hurts Will and may eventually kill him. Quite the dilemma. Hopper theorises that the thing is an intelligent virus with a hive mind.

We hear some interesting backstory from Max- her mum left her dad and she is now forced to love to Indiana with her mum, stepdad and dodgy stepbrother rather than with her dad with whom she wants to be. She seems to connect with Lucas, rather than with poor Dustin who originally fancied her. It’s clear, I think, that poor Dustin is going to end up as the gooseberry.

We end up with Max, Lucas, Steve and Dustin trapped and surrounded by Demo-dogs (copyright Dustin) in a bus. Meanwhile, in cliffhanger number two, the controller Will sets up a trap, and monsters begin to emerge through the portal...

Stranger Things: Season 2, Chapter Five- Dig, Dug

”I’m sorry. You ate my cat.”

Lots of scares at the start as something spits at Hopper while he’s underground, in one of those little tunnels from the Upside Down. Worse, the hole he came through closes and there are doubtless lots of deadly beasties down here. He’s up a creek and it’s u certain whether anything he happens to be carrying could constitute a paddle. Fortunately Will is plugged into the baddies and is able to tell Joyce that he’s up said metaphorical creek.

There’s an entirely different awkwardness between Nancy and Jonathan, as the sexual tension has by now reached unbearable levels and they urgently need to get a room. Much cuter is the interaction between the various members of Lucas’ family. We haven’t seen much of them so far but they seem normal and relatable. I like Dustin’s family too, not least because they’re clearly rooting for Walter Mondale in the upcoming election and are thus not evil. But Dustin does have a problem with a fully grown, definitely Demogorgon Dart, who pretty certainly is evil. Dustin hunts and traps it, but the problem is what to do now.

Equally brave is Eleven, who has the guts to visit her mother and aunt and, after a little convincing, is welcomed with open arms. And her catatonic mother, through telepathic darkness, finds a way to communicate and e plain why she says the things she does, in a cycle- we see the birth, and her mother going into the lab to rescue Jane; finding her with another little girl; and deliberately having her sanity taken away. It’s a horrible, horrible fate and a deeply disturbing thing to see.

Meanwhile Nancy and Jonathan visit the private eye investigating Barb’s death, a delightfully eccentric character. I love everything about these sequences in which they show him the dice me and together, with the help of some vodka, work out just how much to water down the truth in exposing what happened and getting justice for Barb. I really love this hippie conspiracy theorist, annoying though such types are in real life, but not as much as I love that Nancy and Jonathan finally do it. Hallelujah.

Meanwhile Lucas tells Max everything and, with depressing realism, is not believed. Fortunately Bob is less sceptical as he is finally brought into things, helps work out from what Will is drawing where Hopper is and, with the help of a bunch of redshirts from the lab, eventually find Hopper so that, against the odds, he lives. Phew. But using fire on the creatures hurts Will...

Obviously, again, I can only say that this is awesome. More please. Now.

Stranger Things: Season 2, Chapter Three- The Pollywag

"He's like a living booger!"

So Dustin has found a little slimy creature, unknown to science, that dislikes light and which he has rather taken to in spite of the fact it's obviously going to turn into something dangerous- after all, it's 1984, so it must be Gremlins. It initially looks as though this episode is set to be as crammed with pop culture episodes as the last one, which was unusually pop culture-heavy even for Stranger Things.

After a short early flashback, though, filling in the gaps concerning how she came to be with Hopper, Eleven is not happy. Hopper keeps stringing her along about when it will be safe to see Mike again, and "friends don't lie". She's well mardy. And well might she be. Hopper means well, but subconsciously this is about filling the hole left by his daughter. Eleven has just exchanged one prison for another; no wonder she dismisses Hopper's cautious rules.

Meanwhile Billy sets about asserting his alpha male status over Steve by being a twat and, interestingly, denies that Max is his sister. Meanwhile Steve confronts Nancy about what she said the previous night; are they over? She certainly runs straight to Jonathan and the two of them start plotting. Nancy rings Barb's mum and says she has something to tell her but, interestingly, doesn't tell her immediately but arranges to meet- and is heard by baddies listening in. Is she deliberately setting herself up as bait?

Otherwise, Will connects with the rather decent seeming Bob- and Joyce realises through the medium of VHS that the best Will has been drawing exists in reality, and drives off to find her son, panicking. But the lads are obsessed with Dart, Dustin's new creature, which is growing at an alarming rate and which, Will suspects, and he's obviously right, is from the Upside Down. Mike has that much-delayed clash with Max, and Dustin lies about finding Dart, hidden under his hat. Three episodes in and the plot seems less linear, with different plot threads everywhere, although the thread of the poisoned pumpkins continues to develop.It's good, it's fun, it's exciting, but it feels less like it has a particular story to tell.

Awesome cliffhanger, though, with Will in the Upside Down; has that monster got him? Is he dead?

Stranger Things: Season Two, Chapter Two- Trick or Treat, Freak

”I specifically didn’t agree to be Winston.”

A lot of stuff happens in this episode and there’s more than the usual quotient of pop culture references to boot. That ought to give us a lot to talk about.

We begin with a short flashback explaining where Eleven went at the end of last season, how she came to be hiding with Hopper- heartbreakingly, she sees Mike being told by his mother that she’s dangerous- and, as if we hadn’t guessed, why Hopper was leaving food in the Mirkwood at the end of the season. That ties up a loose end. Hopper, of course, is mourning a daughter; you can see what’s in it for him. They’re both damaged together in an awkward but rather sweet dynamic.

It’s Halloween, a traditional day to dress up at school, and the gang are all very topically going as Ghostbusters, although I like how Lucas insists he doesn’t want to be Winston just because he’s black, as Winston “isn’t even a scientist.” Smart lad. Unfortunately no one else has bothered dressing up, which is embarrassing, but in a rather funny little scene Lucas and Dustin rather presumptuously invite Max trick or treating later. We get to know Max a bit; she has a dodgy, Ted Nugent-liking brother Billy (a Will and a Billy?) who hints that they’re both stuck here in Indiana because of her. And where are their parents? Although we finally do get to see Lucas’s family, making it four out of four.

It’s interesting that Joyce and Hopper have become close friends- although, of course, they’ve known each other since childhood- but she’s still having a passionate affair with likeable dork Bob, who does an interesting impression of Bela Lugosi’s Dracula and, in a scene which is bound to lead somewhere, gently suggests that they might all want to leave Hawkins.

Meanwhile Nancy is being driven madder and madder by guilt about Barb and the way she’s unable to give her parents closure, and lashes out at Steve while a bit rat-arsed at a very ‘80s party where Motley Crue meets Duran Duran in the soundtrack, flat out stating that she doesn’t love him. Ouch. Paving the way for an unlikely pairing of her and Jonathan, perhaps? I notice Jonathan also meets a girl called Samantha, mind, and the scene wouldn’t have happened if it wasn’t leading somewhere. Watch this space, shippers.

Meanwhile there are two possible avenues for the actual threat- the destroyed pumpkins in the field, covered by something gooey, stretch to all the local farms, while Will keeps being pulled back to the Upside Down, Where something big, multi-limbed and shambling is trying to get him, and it’s evil. The former threat leads to Hopper letting down Eleven while being late, leading her to lock herself away, upset, and look at Mike telepathically. It’s heartbreaking to see the two of them separated like this. Plus Eleven is a fugitive and Mike, well, his parents’ House has a sign saying “Reagan/Bush ‘84”, which is pure evil even if 49 states would vote for the forces of darkness that November.

It’s all very entertaining. But it’s hard to get a handle on what the main focus of the season is to be. It’s

Stranger Things: Season Two, Chapter One: MADMAX

"Don't walk or bike home. I know!"

A brand new season, and it’s October 1984, nearly Halloween, with The Terminator showing in cinemas and Ghostbusters merchandise abounding. It’s also a time of musical ferment reflected in the soundtrack; yes, we get Devo’s “Whip It”, as one might expect, but we also get, er, the Scorpions.

A year has passed and, as children do, the boys have adapted- except Will, who is being treated for PTSD by a shrink who, mercifully, knows the truth, but whose symptoms are much more physical as he still has a clear link to the Upside Down- and at one point glimpses in the distance a huge, spider-Like creature. Things have changed- Joyce has a new goofy boyfriend, Bob, played rather interestingly, given the obvious influence of The Goonies, by Sean Astin. It’s interesting, though, that Hopper takes a close interest in Will’s treTment nevertheless. He also investigates a field of poisoned pumpkins which, by the rule of Chekhov’s Gun, will certainly turn out to have been important.

Mike’s teachers have made a clear decision to be strict with him, to the point of forcing him to donate away lots of toys, “just a loaf of plastic” that we as viewers know will increase in value and so we tend to take his side, even those of us who are parents ourselves- he had to throw away Man at Arms and even the Millennium Falcon!

The boys are obsessed with arcade games now, and there’s a new girl in town from California- Max- Who is the new high scorer on all the important games. She will obviously be significant. Mike, though, is missing Eleven, and tries to reach her on the walkie talkie every day. He would hardly be pleased to learn she’s secretly living with Hopper, although he’s the only adult who knows the truth who is in a position to do so, but what happened to her? And why hadn’t Mike been told?

Just as shocking as the end is the beginning; there’s a young woman in Pittsburgh, aiding a getaway from a robbery, who had similar powers and “008” on her arm...

We also get to see Dustin’s home, we see that Nancy is still with Steve although a subtle love triangle with Jonathan is still humming along and, heartbreakingly, Barb’s distraught parents have hired a private eye- selling their house for the cruelty of hope.

Lots of irons in the fire, and a promising start.

The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002)

“I’ll have no pointy earer outscoring me!”

This is probably my least favourite of the trilogy but only because it’s the middle one and therefore the least dramatic. It’s still awesome and features the extraordinary Battle of Helm’s Deep. Never mind that Mrs Llamastrangler asked halfway through if they’d walked far and had to be told that it featured scenes of brisk walking, jogging and even a bit of horse riding..

The main problem with LOTR after this point is, of course, that all the exciting adventures of Gandalf, Aragorn etc are contrasted with the crushing fullness of Frodo and Sam walking very slowly towards Mordor in hundreds of pages of never-ending prose where very little happens. Peter Jackson, quite sensibly, cuts all this down rather a lot while expanding on the good stuff. It all looks superb, of course, and makes you want to go to New Zealand, and it’s all brilliant for the same reasons as the first film. The same cast continues to be magnificent for the same reasons, with the honourable additions of our newly introduced Rohirrim characters- Bernard Hill as Theoden, Miranda Otto as Eowyn, Karl Urban as Elmer and of course Chucky himself, Brad Dourif as Wormtongue. Rohan looks magnificent, the return of Gandalf is perfectly shot and the rejuvenation of Theoden is a joy to behold. And the Ents look extraordinary.

As for the Battle of Helm’s Deep, I’m not usually good with extended battle scenes, with their visual nature and lack of dialogue, but this kept me gripped with its twists and its turns. It’s an awesome finale to an awesome film. Is it just me, though, that finds it a little odd and jarring that Frodo is treated as a “master” by Gollum and as a boss by Sam essentially because he’s the country squire, something which may have been unthinkingly normal to Tolkien’s generation but looks decidedly odd now. But the class politics of LOTR are perhaps for another day...

The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001)

"Nobody tosses a dwarf!"

This is only my second viewing of this or, indeed, any of this magnificent trilogy. And, yes, with an appropriate nod to YouTube's How It should Have Ended (watch it for LOTR), it's magnificent. The three sodding hours actually passed very pleasantly.

The Lord of the Rings is an odd book, or trilogy, however you’re counting. I’m glad I read it at twelve, appendixes and all; I enjoyed it very much, but I fear the charms of its 1,200 plus pages would have likely eluded me if I’d been any older. Written by an Old English academic- I once cited an academic work of his while writing an essay on Beowulf- and intended to create the Germanic and Finnish myths he so loves, it isn’t a style of writing we’re used to in modern times. These days we have a literary genre called “fantasy”; that wasn’t so clearly the case at the time, and indeed The Hobbit was written for children. One odd thing about Lord of the Rings is the huge change from children’s pride in the shire to epic narrative for the rest of the novel but it is, of course, a work of genius.

So how does Peter Jackson film such a book? Well, brilliantly. His native New Zealand is a magnificent setting, and his cast is superb- Ian McKellen May stand out, but Christopher Lee is utter perfection as Saruman. Yet just as important is the magnificent direction and the scene that, for me, stands out is Christopher Lee’s performance in the scene where we discover that Saruman has betrayed Gandalf- the scene is a perfect synthesis of actor and camera as the extraordinary subtleties of Lee’s performance are echoes perfectly by the movements of the camera.

Wisely, Jackson does a faithful adaptation without cutting corners and, indeed, takes things from the appendixes to flesh out the narrative- particularly in an expanded role for Saruman which helps with the plot at this early stage but also, with Sauron himself being just an eye, giving a face to what the Fellowship is fighting. Seeing the Shire on screen makes is stand out from the high fantasy surrounding it: it’s odd to see a British work of high fantasy that features American crops such as tobacco and potatoes- or perhaps the “weed” is something else? It would make a lot of sense.

There’s one thing I don’t get, though. What’s so special about Sean Bean’s “One does not just walk into Mordor?” It’s a fairly nondescript line so why all them memes?

Angel: Soulless

“Boning your mom and trying to kill your dad? There should be a play...”

And suddenly things get brilliant. The season was looking a bit aimless for a while, I admit I spent a couple of episodes getting a bit worried, but this episode pays off a lot of the things that seemed aimless at the time and does so in a way that gives each and every character some real development. The “previously on” at the beginning makes it clear just how much of a build-up there’s been, with the Gunn/Fred/Wes triangle and the Cordy/Connor shagging.

Cleverly, the pre-credits scene is entirely devoted to bugging up Angelus and how devious and evil he is, how he will use his verbal dexterity to sow discord and weakness so he can kill everyone. And the episode sees this largely play out as Angelus picks at various scabs. The love triangle is an obvious one, quickly leading to Gunn catching Wes kissing Fred, fisticuffs between the two men and Gunn accidentally hitting Fred. Then there’s the outing of the Cordy/Connor comshocking and of course the easy e ploitation of the ever-snotty Connor who, revealingly, sees Angelus as his real father; Angel is “just something that you’re forced to wear”.

Worse, though, is the eexploitation  of Cordy’s general ugliness; he will give them information to save the world and he can have her for whatever depraved purposes he wishes. Ouch. Of course, his information proves useless, but we get the definite sense that he’s going to be asserting his claim.

And he certainly can, as the cliffhanger shows: Angel’s soul is missing, and it looks as though he’ll be sticking around for a while...