Doctor Who: Time and the Rani

Part One
 

“Leave the girl. It’s the man I want.”

I think I recall being impressed with the opening scene of last season, with its proto-CGI opening. Well, this season starts with some proto-bad CGI. It’s all very confusing and poorly animated. And the regeneration, inevitably as Colin isn’t there, is embarrassingly awful. But it’s not just the unfortunate necessities forced upon the production team that lead to this story’s jaw-dropping awfulness- Pip n’ Jane’s dialogue is awful from the very first scene, and the whole thing’s obviously pitched at very young kids.

Admittedly the title sequence is great, but as soon as it’s over the nightmare continues. Sylvester McCoy was my Doctor, and it was when I started watching the show again with Remembrance of the Daleks back in 1988 that I stopped being an occasional viewer and started being a fan. So it’s a huge shock to see just how horrifyingly bad McCoy is in his first scene. This is extremely bad television, and I’m extremely glad I wasn’t watching the show at the time, as this episode could have put me off for ever.

The effects are great, though- the pink sky of Lakertya, and especially the bubbles- but when the Rani starts impersonating Mel things take a turn for the even worse.

Part Two

“Memory like a kangaroo…”

I’ll admit that was a great cliffhanger. This is still somewhat despair-inducing, though. Even the characterisation of the new Doctor seems to consist of little more than spoon playing, absent-mindedness and malapropisms. And he’s too easily fooled by the Rani. Still, McCoy’s performance has settled down.

We get our first proper look at the Tetrap costume, and it’s impressive. Mel, of course, proceeds to scream a lot. I still like her, mind. Sadly, though, these scenes feature particularly awful incidental music- Keff McCulloch has arrived.

Interestingly, the Doctor is 953 years old (as is the Rani, apparently) so the Sixth Doctor’s tenure seems to have lasted for a good fifty years or so in spite of how little of it we saw on screen. Not bad, considering both the Second and Fifth Doctors couldn’t possibly have lasted more than a few years. And there’s massive scope for untelevised adventures between this season and the last.

Another thing; we suddenly seem unmistakeably to be in the late ‘80s, what with the theme tune, title sequence, horribly dated incidental music and words like “biodegradable” appearing in the dialogue.

Part Three

“Haven’t I seen you hanging around somewhere?”

Mostly this episode is just captures, escapes, and other such padded dullness with no entertainment value whatsoever. Although it’s cool to see the Tetraps hanging upside down, like bats. But it’s striking how little substance there is to this; I’m finding very little to comment on.

Unfortunately the sight of the big brain is the most groan-inducing moment in the marathon so far…

Part Four

“I have the Loyhargil. Nothing can stop me now!”

More awfulness, with the Doctor’s arsing about in the brain being probably the worst moment, but by now I’m just waiting for the story to finish. This is worse even than Underworld, and that’s the ultimate put down.
And after a break from this sort of thing under Colin Baker, we again finish with a crowded TARDIS…

Well, I hated that. 1/5, rock bottom. With hindsight I know the era’s going to recover, but viewers at the time weren’t to know that. This is the least promising introduction to a season, an era ands a Doctor that we could possibly have imagined. Pip and Jane are the main problem; I’m sure the science is sound, but the whole thing is just pitched wrong. It’s not the fact it’s being pitched at children I object to- it is a children’s programme, after all. But this is a very lazy example of writing for children, with no depth to either the characters or the themes. There’s nothing here but the bare plot and some patronisingly “educational” science stuff, with even the new Doctor having barely any personality at this stage. Fortunately, from the next story onwards we’ll get an actual script editor, and some direction to the stories.

Doctor Who: Trial of a Time Lord Parts Thirteen and Fourteen: The Ultimate Foe

Part Thirteen

“I’m as truthful, honest, and about as boring as they come.”

The court is back from recess, and who should turn up but James Bree! There’s little time to wallow in nostalgia, though; the main trial plot has stopped treading water and started swimming again, and the Doctor’s in trouble. He’s run out of tricks for his defence, he’s accused of genocide and he’s a hair’s breadth away from being convicted and condemned. So now, of course, is the dramatically appropriate moment for Mel and Glitz to mysteriously turn up to testify in his favour. Glitz, necessarily, has softened from the thug of earlier.

It’s also the dramatically appropriate moment to reveal they’ve been sent by the Master, who is a most suitable means of extracting maximum dramatic potential out of the revelations that follow. Particularly as he turns up from inside the Matrix. Glitz was working for the Master back in parts one to four, and that mysterious box was full of “stuff the secrets had been nicking from the Matrix for years”. And, of course, this being a script by Robert Holmes, a dirty Time Lord cover-up then ensued, involving Earth being naughtily moved across the galaxy to become Ravolox, with enormous collateral damage caused by solar flares. The Doctor gets a great speech after this revelation, describing his own people as “decadent, degenerate and rotten to the core,” although unfortunately this is one of those moments where Colin’s performance suffers a bit of a wobble.

And then the Master casually refers to the Valeyard as “the Doctor” while explaining that he’s been adjusting evidence on behalf of the High Council to ensure the Doctor’s conviction. The Doctor is told that he’s “an amalgamation of the darker sides of your nature, somewhere between your twelfth and final regeneration.” Interesting- this wording, together with the fact he seems to be working for the High Council as some sort of expendable stooge, seems to indicate he’s not so much a future incarnation of the Doctor as a distillation of certain of the Doctor’s qualities, and to some extent an artificial creation of these shadowy Time Lord politicians. This is the Robert Holmes script about corrupt Time Lords to end all Robert Holmes scripts about corrupt Time Lords. Literally.

Oh, and it all seems to make sense, incidentally. The only bits so far that haven’t made sense at all have been in the Pip and Jane Baker episodes, where the workings of the trial seemed to be all over the place and the consequences of the evidence being from the future hadn’t been though through. But the whole business with the sleepers, Ravolox, and the Doctor’s apparent actions on Thoros Beta seem to have been resolved pretty much satisfactorily to me. I don’t think we need to have it spelled out exactly which scenes happened as shown and which didn’t.

Oh, and I haven’t any complaints about Peri’s fate, either. It makes sense, more or less, given her earlier relationship with Yrcanos.

Anyway, Holmes recalls his own script for The Deadly Assassin as the Doctor and Glitz spend the rest of the episode inside the Matrix. Among other things they encounter a number of Mr Popplewicks, all played by Onslow from Keeping Up Appearances, a wonderfully Holmesian satirical dig at bureaucracy.

Part Fourteen

“You are elevating futility to a high art. There’s nothing you can do to prevent the catharsis of spurious morality.”

…So, after a sublime swansong from Holmes, we move to the ridiculous in the shape of this script by Pip and Jane Baker. Sadly, the comparison with their lamented predecessor hardly shows them in a good light.

We get to see the familiar sight of the inside of the Master’s TARDIS. It’s only by doing this marathon that I’ve come to realise just how consistent was its appearance during the ‘80s. We also get an exploding quill pen, by far the coolest thing in this episode. Unfortunately, there’s an awful lot of utter poo here. The Doctor states that “I would trust Mel with my life,” but he’s not even met her yet! I know he’s only pretending to go along with the fake trial, but still. At least I got a cheap laugh out of “Never mind the Sydney Carton heroics,” mind.

This is so poor compared to the previous episode, though. There’s not actually much wrong with the plot, but the dialogue is awful and the characters keep explaining the plot to us in a condescending manner which rubs me up the wrong way. Plus, we get loads of no doubt accurate scientific gobbledygook which reminds me of all the things I didn’t like about the Bidmead scripts. And then the Master, hearing that the High Council has been deposed and insurrection has ensued, actually makes a speech to the Time Lords in the courtroom offering to take control which bears uncanny similarities to a certain speech in Logopolis. Unbelievable.
As a final indignity, the Doctor actually suggests the Inquisitor as a candidate for the presidency. Why? She’s spent the whole season being nothing but an incompetent buffoon.

So, it’s a tale of two episodes. The first part, a worthy swansong from Robert Holmes which fortunately doesn’t leave the plot for Pip n’ Jane to explain, gets 5/5, while the Pip n’ Jane monstrosity gets 2/5. I’m not too bothered about what Eric Saward’s version would have been like, but I’d have loved to have seen Robert Holmes’. I was going to give it a 1/5 but I suppose giving one episode 5/5 and the other 1/5 would have been a bit much.

The last episode aside, though, it’s actually been a damn fine season. I wasn’t actually expecting that I’d be rating this particularly highly until I got to it, but it’s a relief to give a season a good score for once- at 4/5 it’s a creditable joint sixth, which comes as a genuine surprise to me. Who’d have thunk it? Not only is this much-maligned season a triumphant return to form after a poor few years, but it’s the best season of the ‘80s so far by a long way. I suspect the famously diminished presence of Saward may have something to do with it…

Doctor Who: Trial of a Time Lord Parts Nine to Twelve: Terror of the Vervoids

Part Nine

“Let’s exercise the grey cells for once, shall we?”

The Doctor, still very upset at Peri’s death, is nevertheless forced to continue with the trial, and to show some evidence of his own. And this evidence is… from the future. His mind really must be addled by grief. And how does this work anyway? Can’t the Doctor think of anything that’s already happened to him throughout his entire life that will help his case? Why is evidence from the future even admissible? After all, by definition it can only be from a possible future, particularly as it seems at the moment that the Doctor is to be executed long before he ever gets to meet Mel or visit the Hyperion III.

So, it’s 2986, and said ship is travelling between what appear to be the colonial possession of Mogar and Earth- interestingly, given the fact that we appear to be in the same time period as The Mutants. We’re not in the same genre, though; there’s a murderer on board, and the spirit of Agatha Christie hangs in the air. No doubt this’ll be just as good as The Robots of Death, then.

Honor Blackman’s in it. The Doctor’s wearing a yellow cravat. Oh, and there’s a new companion, Mel, or rather there will be once the Doctor actually meets her. I’m enjoying this sort of timey-wimey stuff, much as the trial framing sequence is no longer making any sense. And I like Mel. And I like Bonnie Langford. There, I’ve said it.

Our scheduled broadcast of carrot juice and exercise bikes is interrupted by a mayday call, and our two TARDISeers are, er, embroiled in a web of intrigue. The Doctor and Mel have a great relationship, very tactile, with no serious bickering and a great chemistry. And Mel’s a likeable character who actually seems to enjoy travelling in the TARDIS, which comes as a huge relief. Because arguably no one else really has ever since Romana.

There’s an awful lot of aerobics in this story; it may be the 2980s, but it’s still the ‘80s. It’s all such fun though. I love the novel Professor Lasky’s reading…

We finish with some more apparent evidence that the Matrix has been tempted with. But on the plus side, Mel is definitely great- she can scream in the exact same key as the closing theme…

Part Ten

“The fellow may be a fool but he’s not a criminal.”

We get our first intimations here that there’s a dangerous alien plant species on the loose. And some more stuff happens with the murder mystery plot. But the main distinguishing feature of this episode is that rather cool-looking three dimensional Space Invaders clone the Mogarians are playing. Aside from its obvious coolness, it’s another example of how impressive the effects have been this season. Seldom before have we seen such casual brilliance.

We get a mention of the Black Hole of Tartarus, but we’re assured it’s perfectly safe. It’s definitely not going to be a threat at any point, then. The Mogarians discuss Earth’s plundering of their planet- bit of politics there- and there’s another murder. There’s some rather too heavily telegraphed Poirot stuff from the Doctor in the courtroom as he shows off about the Mogarian translator, but by now the murder mystery plot is bubbling nicely.

Mel screams in exactly the right key again.

Part Eleven

“Never mind the Just So Stories! That guard looks trigger happy to me!”

In a departure from the norm, Mel screams quite early in the episode this time. And narrowly escapes being murdered in true Perils of Pauline fashion. Meanwhile, the Vervoids appear properly and turn out to look fab- once again on the production side things are superb. And they get such naturalistic dialogue, too, with lines such as “We are doing splendidly!” which sound in no way bizarre coming from a talking plant.

Meanwhile the viewer gets confirmation that the Matrix’s pants are well and truly on fire as the Doctor is shown smashing the communications equipment. Much as this may not be anywhere near as well-written as Mindwarp, and the trial sequences make a lot less sense, I must admit that this time at least we know when the Matrix is lying and when it isn’t.

But the trial sequences make no sense at all here. The Investigator implies that the Doctor is guilty until proven innocent, the Valeyard is now trying to condemn the Doctor for things which haven’t actually happened yet and possibly never will, and the Investigator describes the Doctor’s “fair trial” as “an indulgence”. Everything tells us that this is just a show trial, with barely a pretence of justice, yet the Doctor seems to have no objection whatsoever to the Inquisitor’s conduct, and the script seems to assume that the audience are supposed to accept her as a legitimate authority figure, which is absurd.

Part Twelve

“The charge must now be genocide!”

Well, there’s a surprise- the ship’s headed straight for the Black Hole of Tarsarus. Who’d have thunk it? Technically, of course, there’s no danger at all as the Doctor and Mel could simply bundle everyone else in the TARDIS. In fact, that’s definitely what he would have done back when he was Peter Davison, although come to think of it that sort of thing more or less stopped with Planet of Fire.

Anyway, Rudge and the Mogarians slightly irritate our heroes with a fairly crappy hijack attempt. This is soon dealt with, but at least it manages to highlight the rather fantastic looking graphic effect on the screen on the bridge. The Doctor rather cleverly fingers Doland as the killer and turns the tables on him, and Lasky rather suddenly sees the error of her ways. Although she gets killed by the Vervoids anyway in the obligatory “But you can’t kill me! I’m your creator!” scene.

As a final nice touch, the Vervoids’ leaves turn autumnal before they crumble and die. Unfortunately things then start going all arbitrary in the courtroom…

The actual Vervoid story was rather good, I thought- nothing particularly clever, unlike last story, but it was a straightforward adventure done well and there’s nothing wrong with that. And like everything else in this season so far it looks great. It’s just a shame that the trial sequences, rather well-integrated until now, have started to unravel. Still, 4/5.

Doctor Who: The Mark of the Rani

Part One

“Well, you’ve certainly never done a day’s labour in your life. And I suppose it’s just possible you might even be a gentleman.”

It’s the early nineteenth century, and there’s trouble at t’mill. We start with some location filming outside a coal mine, and some Geordie accents that sound pretty much convincing to this East Midlander, not something I’ll be able to say throughout. But something strange is happening, with a gas in the bathhouse…

The Doctor and Peri leave the TARDIS with what might be considered unseemly haste for this season, observed by a scarecrow which moves as soon as they look away. They’re soon involved in an altercation with some “Luddites”, arriving at the mine to report what has happened. Here the Doctor hears the name of George Stephenson- it’s a celebrity historical!

The quality of the Geordie accent slips a considerable amount when the old crone starts speaking, but, getting ahead of ourselves a bit, is this Kate O’Mara not being able to do a Geordie accent or Kate O’Mara playing the Rani as not being able to do a Geordie accent? I like to think it’s the latter but, alas, I suspect not.

The Master turns up, and promptly manages to persuade a load of psychotic “Luddites” to attack the Doctor instead of, say, himself, and proceeds to introduce himself to the Rani in a way calculated to annoy her as much as possible. The fact that he’s somehow alive again after quite unequivocally getting killed at the end of Planet of Fire is explained by the line “I’m indestructible,” which of course is entirely satisfactory.

The Rani, meanwhile, is a rather different type of villain to the Master; more of a deeply unethical scientist than the universe conquering type, she finds the Master’s moustache twirling antics to be deeply silly. And indeed proceeds to spend the entire remainder of the story seething with irritation at his antics. Oh, and she has a plan about extracting stuff from peoples’ brains, but I shall not dwell on it as it’s deeply boring. It’s with this scene that it occurs to be that Pip and Baker can’t do decent dialogue. Yes, I laughed at “Unfortunate? Fortuitous would be a more apposite epithet,” along with everyone, but bog standard Pip and Jane dialogue is barely tolerable most of the time.

They can’t do characterisation either; the Doctor and Peri are much more shouty and argumentative in this story, and don’t actually seem to like each other very much or to be having much fun travelling the universe. Which is out of character, frankly; however grim recent stories have been there’s always (barring The Twin Dilemma, and at least that has a pretext for it) been an affectionate relationship between the Doctor and Peri and an assumption that travelling the universe is at least supposed to be fun. Here that’s nowhere to be seen.

And for the first time I find Colin Baker’s performance to be a bit off, particularly in the scene where he’s been captured by the Rani. To be fair, he is given awful dialogue.

Part Two

“The tree won’t hurt you.”

Our Perils of Pauline cliffhanger is resolved in the traditional fashion, by blatantly re-editing last week’s final scenes into a situation clearly less perilous. Still, at least we get to meet George Stephenson. And his accent is atrocious. Oh dear.

So, Stephenson’s protégé Luke will “outshine” him, eh? Things are bound to turn out well for him then…

The Master and the Rani are still arguing in much the same way as they have for ages, and it becomes clear horribly early into this episode that there’s no real plot as such; no character has a plan and they’re all just reacting to each other. Consequently there’s no real sense of pace or movement and the story just drifts. This is very dull.

One good thing is the Rani’s TARDIS, mind; it’s refreshingly different from the usual template. But the Rani can control it remotely- I assume this limits its lifespan then, as we were told in The War Games!

The trees are awful, of course, both in appearance and in concept, and it’s a relief when the story ends. We finish with the Doctor explaining what he and Peri do all the time in the TARDIS; “Argue, mainly.” This pretty much shows what a simplistic grasp Pip and Jane seem to have of their characterisation.

A plotless mess with crap dialogue, no sense of pace or direction and poor characterisation. I’ll be generous and give it a 2/5 as visually it looks ok enough.