The Uncanny (1977)

 "I thought I saw a pussy cat? I did! I did!"

This is a film, a portmanteau horror produced by Milton Subotsky of the sort that had become somewhat unfashionable in the UK by 1977 and so produced in a late 1970s Montreal which can't help feeling a bit David Cronenberg, about how cats are evil. Cat lovers, like myself (we are owned by four, and they are indeed our rulers), may not quite agree that cats are evil- we love them and they love us; they are not so aloof as popular myth dictates, they're just introverts- but, well, they can be little bastards at times.

This film may be full of animatronic cats and dated effects, and it may be the very epitome of the '70s; it may, indeed, suffer from too much a focus on cats as its means of horrifying the audience... but, damn, it does so bloody effectively. Peter Cushing is superb in the framing sequence, but the portmanteau structure allows for a pleasing mix of British character actors in period roles and canadian actors in the modern day. Donald Pleasence hams it up disgracefully, one is forced to admit, but this doesn't fail to add to this little film's considerable charms.

This could, I suppose, be seen as a tired and lesser version ogf the earlier Amicus portmanteau horror films, especially with its restrictive theme. It seems to have flopped at the box office, a fact which I attribute to fashion as much as anything. But the cast, the Canadian element in the late '70s when David Cronenberg was making Anglo Quebec a nucleus of cinematic horror genius. This film may be a relic from a sligfhtly earlier era, but it surfs that wave with aplomb.

Sherlock Holmes: The Masks of Death (1984 TV Film)

 "Madam, I would not be surprised to learn you were a suffragette!"

This is a very rarely seen 1984 TV movie, not released on any digital format in the UK, starring Peter Cushing as Holmes asnd John Mills as Watson. It also boasts Anne Baxter, in her final role, as Anne Baxter, and even Gordon Jackson as Inspector MacDonald, a surprisingly famous actor for such a part. You may already be thinking that the star wattage is overly bright, And the principle stars are somewhat older than tradition would dictate.

Even the second stringers tend to be very busy character actors like Susan Penhaligon and James Cossins. Yes, there's the distinct feel throughout that the casting was done too much on the basis of star wattage rather than suitability. And it shows. John Mills is fine, though too old as Watson.  But Cushing... well, his technique is excellent as ever but- I say this never having seen his late '60s telly Holmes- he doesn't find the character. He plays certain sorts of parts, but to play a good Holmes one needs an appreciation of humour that the characer lacks to show the appropriate depths: see the line at the top. While Cushing was doing this TV film, Jeremy Brett was doing Holmes sublimely on ITV. This performance is good geneic actng but the very frail-looking Cushing, in one of his rare post- Star Wars appearances- no longer quite convinces as Holmes, much as we all love the man. At least Anne Baxter- in her final role- is a superb Irene Adler.

The script is good, though, judged as a whodunit, although the gas masks are surreal and the title is a total spoiler. And, while the fruity dialogue and voiceover from Watson evokes Conan Doyle and sneakily speeds along the pace, it doesn't feel quite like Sherlock Holmes. That's in spite of the fanwank- after all, both Irene Adler (who eventually does very little) and Inspector Mac are featured. And Roy Ward Baker directs the whole thing as though it was a '70s Amicus horror anthology- lots of shocking moments but ill-judged for a script that wants to be serious.

Having said that, this is flawed but still quite good overall. Its flaws are fascinating from the viewpoint of 2021. And this cast is always worth watching.

The Dead Room

"When were you born?”

“1990.”

“Christ!”

This is an admittedly cheap but well cast attempt in BBC Four where Mark Gatiss (naturally!) writes and directs a deliberately modern slant on M.R. James style ghost stories for Christmas. It’s a very good piece of drama with excellent dialogue, a superbly characterised central character, and yet... it isn’t eerie or scary. And it’s not immediately obvious why.

Simon Callow is, inevitably, spellbinding in the central role of Aubrey Judd, veteran radio teller of horror stories, while Anjli Mohindra alsonimpresses as his obscenely young producer in what is essentially a two hander on two similar sets and could easily have been a stage play. This isn’t the 1970s M.R. James adaptation so no sumptuous location filming please; we’re BBC Four.

The script is in many ways superb and literally gothic in that a sun from Aubrey’s past literally comes back to haunt him. Yet, in the wake of A Very English Scandal, there are many poignant reminders of the real dangers of being gay in the 1970s, something which works well. I also admire the light breakage of the fourth wall as Aubrey eloquently deconstructs the modern ghost story; it can’t be too modern, requires a certain distance, more or less within living memory, and a certain old-fashioned reticence in holding back the nature of the horror. You can, he claims, base a horror tale on a horror from as recently as the ‘70s!

And yet, good though this is as a little piece of drama, it doesn’t quite work. I’m not sure the script is to blame, or indeed Gatiss’ direction; I suspect it’s the case that limited resources are the culprit here, and the play just isn’t scary. And that’s a shame.

Doctor Who: The Time Monster

Part One

“Look, I know I’m exceedingly dim, but would you mind explaining?”

What a very odd beginning. The dream sequence, that is, not the stock footage, obviously. Quite a good beginning too, and not a bad first episode. Of course, UNIT is by now far too cosy an organisation to be taken as seriously as it was earlier this season, and the comedy feminism has dated quite as much as Stuart Hyde’s entire appearance. There’s no way at this point I can avoid quoting the line “May God bless the good ship Women’s Lib and all who sail in her.” Mind you, Stuart’s studenty pseudo-Marxism has dated just as much: “That’s all right, Prof- you go and enjoy your nosh. Leave it to the toiling masses.”

There’s a worrying undertone of sameyness and watering down of the established format though- yet another example of the Master posing under an obvious assumed name, too much silliness (souped up Bessie) and the Brigadier continuing his metamorphosis into a figure of fun.



Part Two

“You know, it’s a long time since I came across a hypnotic subject who turned out to be as good as you are. It’s just like old times.”

The above line, with its postmodern references to the by now established clichés of the programme in its present format, is just one of many examples right through the story. And this is simultaneously a big part of what makes this story both genuinely fun to watch and deeply problematic- the show can only really afford to have that sort of fun with the fourth wall if the core elements are solid. And here they clearly aren’t- the plot is just a series of set pieces and the overall tone is that of a Hanna Barbera cartoon- the Master’s telephone trick on Benton is a case in point.



Part Three

“Get on with it, you seventeenth century poltroons!”

Atlantis, eh? Perhaps this time it’ll be a case of third time lucky. Certainly, one promising sign in that our 500 year old king seems to have the great Ozzy Osbourne as an advisor. And it’s most convenient for the viewer that the king should contrive to explain how he’s 537 years old at this exact point.

We’ve now reached the point where thinking about the plot is a very bad idea, and the Doctor’s tea leaves-powered wine bottle machine is too silly for words. But there’s more- apparently the Doctor and the Master used to make these at school to spoil each others’ time experiments. Such an evocative addition to the show’s mythology.

Just when things can’t get any sillier we get UNIT versus a mediaeval knight, UNIT versus some roundheads and UNIT versus a V2. This is technically an awful episode, as bad as things have ever got, and yet it still manages to entertain, mainly with the humorous dialogue- some intended, some probably not, and the infectious sense of fun.



Part Four

“I’m sorry about your coccyx too, Miss Grant.”


It’s a nice touch that, just before the bomb apparently hits Yates, the Brig calls him “Mike”. But Yates has survived, if not entirely unharmed, as witnessed by a standard Pertwee era comedy yokel. We get more funny lines here to counterpoint the general shoddiness of everything: “Is this a private fight or can anyone join in?”; “I’m Stuart Hyde- registered, card-carrying, paid-up coward.”

We get to see the inside of both the Master’s TARDIS and the Doctor’s, and they both seem to be using the same, rather groovy, never-before-seen desktop theme. I wonder what it’s called. I also notice Jon Pertwee doesn’t know how to pronounce “nanosecond”. Still, this Time Ram thing sounds a cool idea, and I like Jo’s bravery in wanting to accompany the Doctor in full knowledge of the dangers. Awful though it is, this story actually treats Jo’s character rather well.

We get an odd paradox with the Doctor’s TARDIS and the Master’s both ending up inside each other. That’s brilliant. And weird. No doubt we’ll never see anything like this again…

There’s plenty more silliness, of course, Benton as a baby, the Master once again dispensing with the fourth wall as he turns down the Doctor’s sound because he’s “a bore”…



Part Five

“How about ‘Curses! Foiled again’?”

At last, stuff is happening on Atlantis. And we get Ingrid Pitt! Ooh! I was surprised at the scenes of the Master flirting with Galleia, mind- it seems to amount to rather less than fan mythology would have us believe.



Part Six

“It was the daisyest daisy I’d ever seen.”

Oh dear, it’s the Minotaur, and the Doctor’s using his red cape! We get one very nice scene in this episode though- the Doctor reveals a hitherto unknown Zen Buddhist, Barry Letts-influenced side as he recounts a tale of a hermit who lived on a mountain when he was a “little boy”. The rest of it’s some very clichéd Doctor / Master stuff though, very Hanna Barbera indeed. And with the final reveal of a naked Benton we get the most Hanna Barbera ending yet seen.




Well, technically I suppose that was the worst story yet. The plot, the tone, the treatment of the format and the regulars- all were utterly risible, and clearly pitched at the level of a Saturday morning cartoon. And yet, awful as it is, it still manages to be fun to watch. So much so that I haven’t got the heart to give it less than 2/5.

Season Nine as a whole scores 3.6/5, slightly better than Season Eight but still below every other season so far.




Rankings

The Massacre 5/5
The War Games 5/5
Spearhead From Space 5/5
Fury from the Deep 5/5
The Evil of the Daleks 5/5
The Myth Makers 5/5
The Aztecs 5/5
The Tomb of the Cybermen 5/5
Marco Polo 5/5
The Crusade 5/5
Day of the Daleks 5/5
Inferno 5/5
The Highlanders 5/5
The Daleks’ Master Plan 5/5
The Time Meddler 5/5
The Invasion 5/5
The Power of the Daleks 5/5
The Mind Robber 5/5
The Web of Fear 5/5
The Rescue 5/5
The Reign of Terror 5/5
An Unearthly Child 5/5
Colony in Space 5/5
The Macra Terror 5/5
The Savages 5/5
Mission to the Unknown 5/5
The Ambassadors of Death 4/5
Doctor Who and the Silurians 4/5
The Curse of Peladon 4/5
The Gunfighters 4/5
The Claws of Axos 4/5
The Tenth Planet 4/5
The Moonbase 4/5
The Dalek Invasion of Earth 4/5
The Romans 4/5
Terror of the Autons 4/5
The Krotons 4/5
The Ice Warriors 4/5
The War Machines 4/5
The Smugglers 4/5
The Abominable Snowmen 4/5
The Sea Devils 4/5
Planet of Giants 4/5
The Daleks 3/5
The Seeds of Death 3/5
The Enemy of the World 3/5
Galaxy Four 3/5
The Space Museum 3/5
The Mutants 3/5
The Chase 3/5
The Space Pirates 3/5
The Sensorites 3/5
The Edge of Destruction 2/5
The Dæmons 2/5
The Time Monster 2/5
The Mind of Evil 2/5
The Faceless Ones 2/5
The Ark 2/5
The Wheel in Space 2/5
The Dominators 2/5
The Web Planet 1/5
The Keys of Marinus 1/5
The Celestial Toymaker 1/5
The Underwater Menace 1/5

Season 5: 4/5
Season 7: 4/5
Season 3: 3.9/5
Season 4: 3.889/5
Season 6: 3.857/5
Season 2: 3.778/5
Season 1: 3.625/5
Season 9: 3.6/5
Season 8: 3.4/5