Trancers (1984)

 "Hey Mom, they shot Santa Claus!"

This is now my favourite Christmas film, and I will die on this hill. Eat your heart out, Die Hard.

This is one of the finest of that splendid genre that is cheekily obvious rip-offs of much bigger action flicks that were so prevalent back in the '80s. In this case we're ripping off... er, homaging Terminator. Oh, the Trancers are sort of zombies, not robots, and the time travel is via a "time drug" that implants your consciousness into the body of an ancestor... but it's very, very blatant. And I for one have zero problem with it, because this film is quite simply awesome.

The ideas are silly but great- the "long second", "Lost Angeles". Jack Deth (I love how every character points out what a ridiculous name this is) is the perfect protagonist played to Adam West-like perfection by Tim Thomerson. Gruff, cynical, but heroic and with a heart of gold- with every line delivered absolutely straight, as camp humour requires.

This film knows damn well how silly it is and there are nice clever touches- Deth may be middle aged, but he's from the far future, so he dances happily to a punk band which, to him, would sound quite old fashioned.

It would be churlish to point out the plot holes- if Jack stays in 1985, what happens to Phil? Why can't the Council just send him another syringe?- because the film is just so damn enjoyable. I may even watch the sequels. Here's hoping they're the right kind of bad.

Nights at the Circus by Angela Carter

This is,in one sense, an odd beast: a magic realist novel, that most South American of genres, yet utterly, utterly English, indeed utterly, utterly London despite being set mainly in czarist Russia, a novel born within the sound of Bow Bells that tastes like jellied eels, guvnor. Dumf dumf dumf, he said, wondering who will get the pop culture reference.

It is also, of course, utterly exquisite, whether in concept, in character, in prose, in everything. This is an utter believable, realistic 1899, whether in London, in a St Ptersburg circus, in a Siberian winter made very real. There is philosophy, there is a humane feminism which, as feminism usually tends to be, is extraordinary kind and unforgiving to those of us, the weaker sex, with y chromosomes.

The magic does not overshadow the realism, but it is there. There is metaphor, of course: Fevvers, the aerialist whose story we follow (although generally through the eyes of Walse; her interiority remains a mystery) was born, with wings, yet she was also born into a society where women are unable to spread their wings- metaporically or, in Fevvers' case, also metaphorically. A bird in a gilded cagre, indeed. Yet the circus is a magical place too, on more levels than the literal.

This is a novel of tragedy, hope, unexpected redemption, tigers, and more, but ultimately of love and unexpected happiness. It's bonkers, it's brilliant,it's gleefully erudite, it's full of heart.

The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension (1984)

 "Evil! Pure and simple from the Eighth Dimension! Grab them!"

Um, what did I just watch?

This is one of those films I've heard things about over the years but never seen. I knew it was sci-fi, I knew it ewas comedy, but... this is literally the sort of B movie I love to watch, except with a proper Hollywood budget and stars. How on Earth did that happen?

I love how straight the whole thing is played, as this sort of comedy should be. Peter Weller, years before RoboCop, is superb here, almost Leslie Nielsen-esque in playing a square-jawed character who may be a top neurosurgeon, quantum physicist, martial artist and rock musician but has no idea he's in a comedy.

None of this applies to John Lithgow, of course, who quite rightly hams it up with aplomb. This is, it's fair to say, not the sort of part he usually plays.

I love how this leans into the absurdity. The Johns! An otherdimensional Planet 10 where the good Letroids are all somehow Rastas and the bad Lectroids are racist white people! The medically challenged President of the USA! Buckaroo randomly findng love with the long-lost twin sister of his late wife! Yep, this is bonkers. I wish they'd actually made the sequel. I also wish I'd started drinking this wine before I started watching, but never mind.

There is, incidentally, lots of actor-spotting to be had. An unrecognisable Christopher Lloyd. A very young Jonathan Banks, decades before Breaking Bad.

Neuromancer by William Gibson

 I last read this novel in something like 1996. That was long ago, and the world has changed. We all live our lives, to a large degree, within the Internet, and it’s strange to see elements of this here, in the first major novel to predict the kind of technological future we ended up having. Not that it uses its crystal ball with perfection: this is a future very much forged in the anxieties of the ‘80s, with fear of nuclear war (a limited exchange took place in Germany but it rightly not much dwelt upon, corporate power and the rise of Japan. Everyone still smokes.

Yet this, along with Blade Runner, is the traditional starting point of Cyberpunk, perhaps personified by the cyborg, beshaded sexiness of the awesome Molly. 

Oddly, the tropes of cyberpunk- the cyborg surgery, the Matrix, the corporate dominance- are all very much fully-formed here, but they are primarily visual, and this novel is not. It is deeply clever and contextual but the prose style and narrative do not hold our hand. This is a supremely effective prose style but one which leaves much to the reader. It is also a prose style that would simply confuse and annoy if used by a lesser writer- as it would be, often, in the following decade.

This novel is at once cutting-edge cool and rather difficult. You can definitely see the much-discussed influence of William S. Burroughs. There’s a reason that a novel so famous has never been filmed: much of it takes place in confusing, abstract and dreamlike landscapes. It is, nevertheless both phenomenally important and a work of pure genius.

Bloodbath at the House of Death (1984)

 "What is that?"

"Sounds like a lot of monks exploding."

This isn't Monty Python. Let's make that clear. It's nowhere near in the same league.  Yet, with some added innuendo, it's a similar style of humour. And, quite frankly, it doesn't need gto be anywhere near as good in order to entertain. This is never going to have a claim to be the greatest comedy film of all time, but it's a delightful way to spend ninety enjoyable minutes. And, knowing that good comedy doesn't have to be superlative to be good, one can enjoy a silly little film like this.

My dad is rather partial to Kenny Everett, and I watched and enjoyed a lot of his stuff as a kid. But he seems to have largely disappeared from the zeitgeist, his friendship (and patronship of the London gay scene) with Freddy Mercury aside. Puzzlingly, he's not a gay icon, perhaps because he was (it seems with tongue at least partially in cheek) a Thatcherite Tory. I am, I can say with some confidence, no Tory. but political affiliation, within the bounds of democracy, decency, tolerance and patriotism, should not disqualify an artist from acclaim.It's fair to say I will never blog Triumph of the Will, but let's have a sense of proprtion here. Kenny Everett was a damn good comic performer, as this film makes very clear.

Of course, Pamela Stephenson is magnificent too. Sex therapist she may be these days, but I certainly can't think of a thespian who can portray being pleasurably ravished by a poltergeist Beelzebub woth quite the same elan. And yes, I agree: that sentence may very possibly never have been written before.

 Vincent Price is, of course, magnificent as usual, with a comic talent very much on display, despite looking shockingly old and unhealthy. And the cast is, in general, superb, as is the direction. And the script, while having no pretensions to greatness, is very funny indeed in this alternately witty and very silly horror spoof. I want to see more Kenny Everett.

Iron Maiden- Powerslave (1984)

I suppose, if The Number of the Beast is the one Iron Maiden album one must own, this would be next on the list. The band's later work- including the bulk of the '90s when Bruce Dickinson went AWOL- is unfairly maligned and well worth a listen, but there's no real doubt that the '80s were their peak. And this album, in particular, comes along just at the right time as the band were at their very best. Significantly, it's the first album to feature the same exact line-up as the previous record.

It's a thing of beauty, at once a coherent soundscape and a collection of killer songs like "Aces High" and "Two Minutes to Midnight". This is far from the last time the band will master that little trick, but never again will they do it quite so well. And never again, to date, have they produced an epic to rival the rather long "Rime of the Ancient Mariner", even if they do decide to bloody butcher Coleridge's words, the philistines. Yet, given how bloody good the album is, I shall graciously forgive them.

And doesn't Eddie look good as a pharaoh?

Sherlock Holmes: The Masks of Death (1984 TV Film)

 "Madam, I would not be surprised to learn you were a suffragette!"

This is a very rarely seen 1984 TV movie, not released on any digital format in the UK, starring Peter Cushing as Holmes asnd John Mills as Watson. It also boasts Anne Baxter, in her final role, as Anne Baxter, and even Gordon Jackson as Inspector MacDonald, a surprisingly famous actor for such a part. You may already be thinking that the star wattage is overly bright, And the principle stars are somewhat older than tradition would dictate.

Even the second stringers tend to be very busy character actors like Susan Penhaligon and James Cossins. Yes, there's the distinct feel throughout that the casting was done too much on the basis of star wattage rather than suitability. And it shows. John Mills is fine, though too old as Watson.  But Cushing... well, his technique is excellent as ever but- I say this never having seen his late '60s telly Holmes- he doesn't find the character. He plays certain sorts of parts, but to play a good Holmes one needs an appreciation of humour that the characer lacks to show the appropriate depths: see the line at the top. While Cushing was doing this TV film, Jeremy Brett was doing Holmes sublimely on ITV. This performance is good geneic actng but the very frail-looking Cushing, in one of his rare post- Star Wars appearances- no longer quite convinces as Holmes, much as we all love the man. At least Anne Baxter- in her final role- is a superb Irene Adler.

The script is good, though, judged as a whodunit, although the gas masks are surreal and the title is a total spoiler. And, while the fruity dialogue and voiceover from Watson evokes Conan Doyle and sneakily speeds along the pace, it doesn't feel quite like Sherlock Holmes. That's in spite of the fanwank- after all, both Irene Adler (who eventually does very little) and Inspector Mac are featured. And Roy Ward Baker directs the whole thing as though it was a '70s Amicus horror anthology- lots of shocking moments but ill-judged for a script that wants to be serious.

Having said that, this is flawed but still quite good overall. Its flaws are fascinating from the viewpoint of 2021. And this cast is always worth watching.

The Return of Godzilla (1984)

"Godzilla is a living nuclear weapon!”

This is, I think it's fair to say, the first of a new breed of Godzilla movies. It's been nine years since the last film in the fanchise; the eponymous beast has been subtly updated; and it's heavily implied that all previous Godzilla films since the first have been retconned away.

And, in a sense, this is a version of the first film updated for the Eighties. Certainly the fashions and office decor scream loudly which decade this was made in. But, although very much a Godzilla film in the familiar tradition, it also looks and feels much more like a Hollywood blockbuster. The set pieces of Godzilla destroying various marine vessels and, of course, Tokyo, ae present and correct but, well, somehow more dated than the earlier films which are, perhaps, easier to excuse in this respect because of their age. Certainly, the giant sea lice are... not exactly a special effects triumph, and amused me greatly.

And yet none of this prevents this well-shot and well-structured film from being an impressive achievement. It has a nice balance of set piece, drama and political tension, with the use of the Japanese prime minister as a key character being a nice touch. The threat of nuclear war by understanding, and the nuclear sabre rattling, by the Soviets and Americans respectively, add an exra bit of dramatic film.

And it is in this aspect- nuclear weapons- that provide this film with a political subtext that echoes that of the first film, and amplifies it. For the only nation in human history to have been nuked to be pressured by both superpowers to allow itself to be nuked, even for its own protection, is a powerful scene, and the PM's speech rejecting a nuclear attack is a real philosphical centrepiece.

Overall, this is a successful and enjoyable revival which, while still being somewhat kitsch, manages to morph the somewhat illy franchise of the "Monster Island" era to something more serious, with Godzilla established once again as a serious threat.

Caravan of Courage: An Ewok Adventure (1984)

"That's not a starcruiser. That's a horse!"

I'd never seen this TV movie before until now, in spite of it being a perennial title of the many video hire emporiums that abounded during my '80s childhood. First impressions are that it's badly acted, well made and... well, it sort of works as a kids' programme.

The whole thing really does look mostly amazing, with some great stop motion creatures, although I can't decide whether the spider is awesome or bloody awful.It's also a great exemplar of how kids are often awful actors. It is, however, awesome to see the Ewoks again (including Wicket and Logray), and their Stone Age lifestyle that somehow includes a glider. It's also good to see that Endor is more than just a forest Moon.

The whole thing is, of course, more fantasy with ray guns than science fiction, but Star Wars was ever thus. This as co-written by George Lucas himself and is therefore pure quest narrative in the most Joseph Campbell of ways. Our party sets off on an epic journey to Mordor... er, the tower of a wicked giant. Logray gives each member of the party a MacGuffin which miraculously has a very specific use to the plot.And everybody learns some kind of incredibly vague moral lesson at the end. Or something. Fantasy tropes abound, with this evil giant living independently of any kind of ecosystem and magic sort of working.

But you now what? It isn't awful and is rubbish in a fun way. I'm going to watch the next one, Gulp...

Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (1984)

"What happens if a psycho wanders in?"

Sigh. That was boring. It may have had a slightly more famous cast than usual, with Corey Feldman and the always bizarre sight of a hound Crispin Glover not playing George McFly, and have been helmed by Chuck Norris’ favourite director to boot, but this dragged more than any other film in the franchise.

Oh, it starts well, with Jason apparently dead until he comes to life for no apparent reason, and the first deaths are rather amusing. But then the rest of the film goes on to spend too much time following some rather dull teenagers with their romantic escapades punctuated with a series of random deaths which are gory, yes, but have no build-up, no tension. The film isn’t even trying to be scary, and comes across like a half-arsed romantic comedy for far too long. The gory killings, many of them visually impressive, are brief and followed by cuts to more teenage japery.

For the fourth film in the series- with a massive “previously on”- thus offers nothing different to the format except for not even trying to be scary. And I have no idea what they’re trying to do with little Tommy at the end- set him up as another killer? Disappointing, and not helping with my determination to finish them all.

Gremlins (1984)

“Now I have another reason to hate Christmas!"

I’m 41 and I’d never seen this film until now. Yes, I know. And, er, I still haven’t seen The Goonies, which Mrs Llamastrangler tightly rebuked me for last night. Sometimes I’m not a very good ‘80s kid.

At least I’ve seen it now, though, and obviously it’s awesome. The Mogwai and Gremins look ok and are delightfully animatronic and stop motion, the script is fun and the cast (made up almost entirely of character actors rather than stars) is rather good. I do rather wish Spielberg hadn’t used his name to promote films he didn’t direct, but this at least feels like his “brand”. It’s a fun little tale and passes quickly and enjoyably, although for me what really lingers in the mind is poor Kate’s horrible childhood Christmas tragedy. Because this films is a classic Christmas movie, just like Die Hard.

Mind you, this whole thing of “wise old stereotypical Chinaman in his little shop with his vague Eastern Wisdom” would probably raise more eyebrows today than it did in 1984. The whole casual attitude towards getting a pet for Christmas is also perhaps a little dodgy. Drink driving is treated as a little joke. And yes, things do get a bit silly towards the end, with the Gremins smoking and drinking and enjoying Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. But the film is fun enough and plays things real enough to get away with it.

What’s really weird, though, is this is 1985, my childhood, and that can be eerie st times. The kid Pete looks and dresses much like I did, and everything was “neat”- never cool. This film, then, is very, very neat.

Conan the Destroyer (1984)

"What good is a sword against sorcery?"

About six years ago I watched, and blogged, Conan the Barbarian. A kindly commenter to that blog pointed out that my previous Conan experience in print had been heavily influenced by L. Sprague De Camp, and that the original and unembellished Robert E. Howard short stories were now available. I have since read them (they are a good length for my daily commute), and much enjoyed, although I fear some years have passed; I am hazy about what passed for continuity. This film, though, is based on a story by Roy Thomas and Gerry Conway; I assume it is an adaptation from the licensed Marvel comic. Regardless, the film is very good, and a rare sequel that improves on its predecessor.

Mostly this is down to the solid quest plot, with just enough characterisation and enough twists while maintaining a gritty fairytale vibe. Partly it's the superb incidental music and visuals. Partly it's that Arnold Schwarzenegger actually gets lines, turns out to be capable of acting, and indeed proves unexpectedly great at comedy. Yet the core of the film is the same as that which separates "sword and sorcery" from high fantasy. Life may be nasty, brutish and short, but that only increased the value of companionship, honour, the pleasures of alcohol (I love drunk Conan!) and an uninhibited and even innocent attitude to sexual desire. It is a world without much comfort, but also without puritanism.

I loved seeing geek favourites Sarah Douglas and Grace Jones, of course, but the narrative genuinely grabbed me in this well-made film. I can't find much bad to say about this underrated gem and will even forgive the early appearance of pylons in the distance...

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Supergirl (1984)

"I'm considering nothing less than world domination!"

I know that this film, well, isn't exactly good, but, I mean, come on- this is a delightfully quirky bit of '80s silliness which combines the style of the Superman films, generic '80s action films tropes, some delightful silliness and a completely random jolly hockey sticks, Mallory Towers side. It's gloriously bonkers. This is a film which has Peter Cook utter the line "Holy Cow!"- what's not to love?

Then again, so is the character, and I can't help reflecting that the film was made, in glorious Pinewood Studios, the very year before DC killed Supergirl off in Crisis of Infinite Earth, sentencing her to death for the crime of having an overly convoluted backstory. And, well, we see that here- Argo City is a bit of Krypton that survived the planet's destruction for vaguely unconvincing reasons, and all this is because of the new character of Zaltar- played with an acting ability far above the level that the character deserves by the great Peter O'Toole, who accidentally destroys the city (except, naturally, Kara) with the film's main MacGuffin only to die a predictable death and end up as Kara's very own Obi-Wan style British morale-boosting ghost. It was clearly in the zeitgeist.

Helen Slater is more than good enough as the goody two-shoes character she's playing, but is upstaged in the billing by the splendid Faye Dunaway, who is having much more fun chewing the scenery with delightful gusto with wicked witch and baddie Selena. Yes, there's a certain creepiness in the love narrative between the very adult Ethan and the very innocent schoolgirl Kara, which is definitely eeeurgh, but the film is far more fun than its reputation suggests,

Dune (1984)

"He who controls the spice controls the universe."

Wow. That... was weird.

This is, I’m told, David Lynch’s least loved film. It certainly isn’t well regarded by fans of Frank Herbert, whose work, alas, I have not read. But it’s still cool, flawed though the film is, how David Lynch handles a sci-fi epic which, like Star Wars, has fantasy tropes underneath. I'm glad he got to make one, and that something akin to a David Lynch Star Wars exists. The world would be a worse place otherwise.

It's oddly paced and awkward, of course, Lynch is on record as saying that studio interference moved the film away from his vision, and I'm told that the extended TV version  is even worse. But I find this to be far from a bad film, flawed though it admittedly is. And how can you hate a film that has music by Brian Eno and, er, Toto, together at last?

The cast is superb, with Sian "Livia" Phillips as a kind of futuristic Pythia type, glorious performances by the likes of Paul L. Smith and Patrick Stewart that never tip over to parody but portray their characters with appropriate gusto. The design is superb; two years after Blade Runner establishes that future fashion can be cyclical we have a 110th century aristocracy which dresses like that of the 19th, something which works well and gives us an excellent shorthand for the kind of society this is.

The film doesn't only look good, either (well, some special effects may not have aged well); it's beautifully and druggily shot, as is Lynch's wont,  and there are glimpses of what Lynch intended in moments of excellent, if weird, storytelling.As things stand this is a curiosity rather than a masterpiece, but I'm left fervently hoping for a director's cut.

Ghostbusters (1984)

"Do you have any hobbies?"

"I collect spores, moulds and fungus."

It's quite an instructive experience seeing a film you saw at the old Cannon Cinema in Hinckley back in '84, watched tens of times while still in primary school, but haven't actually seen since Thatcher was prime minister. You remember very little until you see it happens, and then the memories flood back. You even find yourself unexpectedly remembering dialogue from the next scene. It's quite surreal.

This is the first time I've seen the film as an adult, and so finally realise what Hittites, Sumerians and Babylonians are, and what a cad and a charlatan Peter Venkman is, and what a creep he is with Dana. But I can also appreciate what may not be laugh-out-loud funny but is a justifiably popular fun classic with a top notch cast. In hindsight it's clear how much this film owes to the then-recent Poltergeist, with lots of that kind of ghost activity, but it never attempts to be a scary film and keeps the tone light and fun.

Rick Moranis s great as the possessed Louis, but William Atherton deserves special praise for his Walter Peck, the perfect pantomime villain. But the whole damn thing justly deserves its status as a true classic.

The NeverEnding Story (1984)

"To the winch, wench!"

This isn't a film I have any great nostalgia for- it didn't seem to connect with me the one and only time I saw it on video in the mid-'80s. But I'm happy to say o thoroughly enjoyed this fantastical pawn to storytelling, imagination and puppetry.

It's odd to see this very German tale awkwardly transported to the USA- "Bastian" is not a very American name- but all that vanishes once we arrive safely in Fantasia for a wonderful picaresque tale of no stars but many wonders which knock modern CGI into a cocked hat. Books are dangerous things!

We get a dreamlike quest narrative, with the child hero Atreyu obviously mirroring Bastian, who is reading this in a book. We get Alan Oppenheimer, the voice of Skeletor. And we get Falkor the luck dragon, dangerously close to a kids' show cute puppet but who works. Why doesn't he take Atreyu all the way to the Empress's tower, though? 

A film that has dated in the best possible way, The NeverEnding Story is well worth a rewatch.

The Terminator (1984)

"I'll be back."

Ahem. Sorry about the obvious quote.

I've seen this film many times, of course, but not within the last twenty years. And is it not brilliant? This is a taut, imaginative thriller focused on one killer, one woman and her lover who, in a wonderful twist, was sent back in time by his own son. The world-building of Skynet and the world of 2029 are not the focus here, just a plot point, and the scenes in 2029 are shot to be deliberately vague and dreamlike- appropriately so, as these scenes are usually being dreamed by Kyle. We aren't even told exactly when everything will go pear-shaped- it's just described as being "a few years from now".

What's especially noticeable now is how very of its time the film is. It has model work! Which is, of course, superb. The hair, on the other hand, isn't. This is the same year that William Gibson published the seminal "Neuromancer" and you can tell. Everything screams Cyberpunk; even the nightclub is called "Tech Noir". And it has to be said that thrillers were much better in the days before mobile phones.

Much of the film's success lies in the fact that the first two thirds are spend establishing just how unstoppable and relentless the Terminator is. It kills the other Sarah Connors, establishing a real sense of fear on behalf of our poor protagonist, and not even an entire station of police officers can stop it. This leads nicely to a bittersweet romantic interlude, a sex scene with truly world-shaping consequences and the tension-filled final confrontation.

I like Sarah. She kicks ass as a female in a very male-dominated genre. Ok, she's still defined primarily as a mother to a male child, and the film fails the Bechdel test spectacularly, but you can't have everything! This is  justifiably acclaimed film and one I've left far too long to watch again.

All this and we get a very young Bill Paxton as a street punk. A real joy to see again after all this time.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (1984)

"I had bugs for lunch..."

I wasn't sure whether or not I'd seen this film before but I must have done; the memories all came flooding back as a watched it. It's a good film, if less so than its predecessor, and exciting as ever. 

I suppose we can't avoid the inevitable questions about an arguably negative portrayal of India- I mean, Thuggee in the twentieth century- and an implicit endorsement of colonialism, showing a semi-independent Princely State to be rather beastly and having Britain's Indian Army act as the cavalry at the end. And yes, those are valid points. But I think we should account for the fact that this is an American film, not a British one. The USA is not India's former colonial ruler, nor does it have anything like the number of people of South Asian extraction who live in the UK. Perhaps we can forgive them for some cultural sensitivities that we would not accept from the British, much as we forgive them for the stereotypical character of Apu in The Simpsons.

Anyway, the film starts in 1935, making it a subtle prequel to Raiders of the Lost Ark, and there are no Nazis to be seen anywhere.we begin with a nice little sequence in treaty port Shanghai before the action shifts to India by means of a delightfully entertaining plane crash which is one of the best sequence in the film. Alongside Indy are his stubborn love interest Willie- I bet that have some angry sex- and Short Round. I'm guessing a lot of people must find Short Round annoying, but I like him. He's cool, and by acting as Indy's surrogate son he softens and humanises the character.

Our hero is soon directed to save all the children of his host village from the temple of the title, and that's where the fun really starts. The meal, with the various living bugs, snakes, and the eyeball soup, is great fun. Soon, though, there is exploring,and the booby trap see know and love. We learn that the baddies are Thuggees, that their chief priest can tear out a man's heart with his bare hands(!), and that the rotters are using children as slaves. There's a final awesome chase scene before our heroes face a climax where they all end up trapped on a bridge over a chasm, facing death just like Danny in The Man Who Would Be King.

Still, there's no stopping Indy. The film ends with the village saved and Indy doing kinky shit to Willie with his whip. Oo er.

It's a fun film, packed with incident and crammed with cliffhangers. It's not as good as its predecessor, perhaps, but enormous fun nonetheless. And the location filming in Sri Lanka and then-Portuguese Macau looks gorgeous.

A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)

"Whatever you do, don't fall asleep!"

I'd never seen this film before. Yes, I know. It's bloody good, though. It isn't exactly the most expensive film ever made, the dialogue is a little ropey, and the obscure cast (including a very young Johnny Depp!) are not that good. But the direction is inspired, the set pieces are amazing, and it's so very, very, scary, even for someone like me who is far too conscious that what I'm watching is a piece of artifice to be easily scared. Plus, the whole style evokes an '80s video  by The Cult or Bauhaus or some such band, which is delightfully cool. The music, too, is wonderfully of its time.

The children's rhyme which pervades the film is hugely effective in building up Freddie. Robert Englund is superb. The whole concept of a monster that gets you in your dreams if you fall asleep is inspired. There are so many good things to say here. I don't know all that much about slashers of this vintage, but I wonder how innovative it might possibly have been to mix the slasher with the supernatural as this film does. The use of dreams just makes everything so, so much scarier. And the bath scene... brrr!

Of course, we start out with some hoary old tropes: four teens are in a house, ready to be picked off one by one. But the film is cleverer than that, and has a lot of fun with them. I couldn't help reflecting, though, that the plot sort of revolves all around the only means of communication being a house phone, which can be left off the hook by a stray parent. I remember 1984, but this sort of thing makes it feel so very long ago. 

This Is Spinal Tap (1984)

"Well, I don't really think that the end can be assessed, as of itself, as being the end, because what does the end feel like? It's like saying when you try to extrapolate the end of the universe, you say 'if the universe is indeed infinite, then how… what does that mean'? How far is all the way, and then if it stops, what's stopping it, and what's behind what's stopping it? So, what's the end, you know, is my question to you…"

Yes, I know. I've reviewed two musicals in a row, sort of. I love this film, though. It isn't so much that it's laugh-out-loud funny; in fact, considering the subject matter, the humour is actually quite gentle and ironic. There are some nicely quirky bits that are funny because they ring true- Nigel's disgruntlement with the small bread on his rider, and the band panicking at being unable to find the stage being two of the funniest.

The songs are superb, hilarious pastiches from throughout the history of rock from grainy monochrome footage of a mid 60s incarnation reminiscent of the Who to a cynical hippy cash-in from a few years later. They're genuinely great rock songs, and the lyrics are the funniest thing in the film, from the arse-clenchingly ignorant pretentiousness of Stonehenge to the jaw-dropping sexism of Big Bottom, probably the greatest ever song about anal sex, God help us.

Most of the time, though, the band is a piss-take of the heavy metal at the time, with the Stonehenge debacle even being taken from a real life experience of the Black Sabbath line-up of the early '80s. This is heavy metal before the LA-dominated "hair rock" began to arrive in the mid-'80s; the vibe is much more NWOBHM, with flying V's and stage moves taken straight out of the repertoire of Kiss.

One thing that dates this film more than anything is the idea that rock stars are past it by the age of forty-five; that sort of attitude would become passé with the advent of Live Aid just a year later. A real life Spinal Tap would have survived the Yoko issues, the declining audiences and the ropey "big in Japan" period to be raking it in today, no matter how many drummers had to die to get there.

The drummer bloodbath is a prime example of how improvisation leads to so many of the best things about the film. Many of the exchanges remind me of Peter Cook and Dudley Moore in Derek and Clive. It's a real strength of the "mockumentary" format.

This is a brilliantly crafted piece of observational comedy and a compulsory fixture of every self-respecting tour bus, although it probably helps if, like me, you're a total rock 'n' roll anorak. This is a film so good that it inspired not only an album cover but also a considerably less funny pseudo-remake from no less a band than Metallica. Surely there could be no higher compliment.