Trancers II (1991)

 "I don't want to have my brain vacuumed!"

I was going to watch some art house movie but, well, I was in the mood for a B movie.  And... well, what could be more B movie than not only a cheeky, er, "homage" to Terminator but a straight-to-video sequel to said "homage" that just so happens to be released in the same year as Terminator II?

This is the most gloriously trashy straight-to-video sequel of all time. Jack Deth is back: let there be much rejicing. Tim Thomerson may be visibly older but he still plays our gruff hero with the perfect deadpan campness. Indeed, all the relevant cast members return, which is impressive.

But best of all, we have the most splendidly bonkers timey-wimey love triangle of all time. Yes, Jack may have seen his wife Alice die in his arms at the hands of Trancers, causing his huge grudge against them. Yes, he may now be happy in the past with his new wife Lena... but oh. They plucked Alice from a day before her death and sent her backin time to find Jack, because of course they did.

Naturally, in no way is this played for real drama but as the utter bonkersness that it is, and I love it. Then we have Hap deciding to get drunk and play homeless baseball again. We have a massive fire engine. And the usual hi-jinks with Trancers in unexpected places and yes, the good old long second.

Basically, this film is trashy in the best possible way. And I'm so going to watch the next one.

One Million Years B.C. (1966)

"Their laws are simple: the strong take everything."

Tonight I have learned a valuable lesson. A film may have great special effects, by no less a creator than the great Ray Harryhausen himself, showing his usual genius even within the consraints of what is clearly a lower budget than he's used to... and still be a terrible film. If you want Ray Harryhausen, watch The Valley of Gwangi. It's a much better film, and has cowboys in it to boot.

There are some awesome monsters in here- a family of pterosaurs; a giant tortoise, a saurapod, a tyrannosaurus and a triceratops being the highlights.They all interact with humans, so... yes, let's gloss over the histotical accuracy and move on to briefy praise the location filming. I suppose there's also amusement value at the start as we see Robert Brown, a future M to Roger Moore's James Bond, as a Palaeolithic chieftain. But that's literally all the positives.

Because this is an awful film. Other than some cringeworthy narration at the start there's no dialogue. The plot consist of M's son beng banished, encountering various monsters, joining another tribe where Raquel Welch's character likes him for some reason, being banished again, fighting more monsters at the end, and finishing off with a bit of natural disaster action. There's a lot of visual spectacle. The film looks good.

And yet... it's just dull. Without dialogue, it simply isn't possible for any of the characters to be interesting, or for us to care about them. And without charactesr to care about we have nothing to watch but empty spectacle.

Thunderball (1965)

"Sorry, old chap. Better luck next time."

I think I can put my finger on why this film is do rubbish: it's the direction. Oh, it's fancily shot with wipes, etc, but the director does a terrible job of telling the story clearly, especially as there are so many silent aquatic sequences. The result is a confusing mess. You have to blame the director for the performances, too: yes, Adolfo Celi is rubbish as the baddie on general terms (they had to dub his dialogue), but the performances are flat all round, and when that includes the likes of Sean Connery you just have to blame the director. The film is not only incoherent, but also charmless.

And it's a pity. On paper the film should have been good. It has SPECTRE, with an embezzling underling being buzzed beneath a trap door to his doom. It has a pool full of sharks. It even has Q, now already a fixture, supplying Bond with gadgets which end up being suspiciously and exactly what he needs.

The pre-titles sequence is good though; I love the jet pack. And Tom Jones' theme tune is superb. But I'm sad to say that this is one Bond film I've no desire to see again. Long, plodding, charmless and forgettable.

Next...