Trancers II (1991)

 "I don't want to have my brain vacuumed!"

I was going to watch some art house movie but, well, I was in the mood for a B movie.  And... well, what could be more B movie than not only a cheeky, er, "homage" to Terminator but a straight-to-video sequel to said "homage" that just so happens to be released in the same year as Terminator II?

This is the most gloriously trashy straight-to-video sequel of all time. Jack Deth is back: let there be much rejicing. Tim Thomerson may be visibly older but he still plays our gruff hero with the perfect deadpan campness. Indeed, all the relevant cast members return, which is impressive.

But best of all, we have the most splendidly bonkers timey-wimey love triangle of all time. Yes, Jack may have seen his wife Alice die in his arms at the hands of Trancers, causing his huge grudge against them. Yes, he may now be happy in the past with his new wife Lena... but oh. They plucked Alice from a day before her death and sent her backin time to find Jack, because of course they did.

Naturally, in no way is this played for real drama but as the utter bonkersness that it is, and I love it. Then we have Hap deciding to get drunk and play homeless baseball again. We have a massive fire engine. And the usual hi-jinks with Trancers in unexpected places and yes, the good old long second.

Basically, this film is trashy in the best possible way. And I'm so going to watch the next one.

Trancers (1984)

 "Hey Mom, they shot Santa Claus!"

This is now my favourite Christmas film, and I will die on this hill. Eat your heart out, Die Hard.

This is one of the finest of that splendid genre that is cheekily obvious rip-offs of much bigger action flicks that were so prevalent back in the '80s. In this case we're ripping off... er, homaging Terminator. Oh, the Trancers are sort of zombies, not robots, and the time travel is via a "time drug" that implants your consciousness into the body of an ancestor... but it's very, very blatant. And I for one have zero problem with it, because this film is quite simply awesome.

The ideas are silly but great- the "long second", "Lost Angeles". Jack Deth (I love how every character points out what a ridiculous name this is) is the perfect protagonist played to Adam West-like perfection by Tim Thomerson. Gruff, cynical, but heroic and with a heart of gold- with every line delivered absolutely straight, as camp humour requires.

This film knows damn well how silly it is and there are nice clever touches- Deth may be middle aged, but he's from the far future, so he dances happily to a punk band which, to him, would sound quite old fashioned.

It would be churlish to point out the plot holes- if Jack stays in 1985, what happens to Phil? Why can't the Council just send him another syringe?- because the film is just so damn enjoyable. I may even watch the sequels. Here's hoping they're the right kind of bad.