Willow (1988)

 "Ignore the bird. Follow the river,"

This is, let's be honest, a fantasy B movie script made to look like Hollywood fare by Ron Howard, a very conventional Hollywood director but ina good way. Yes, the evil Quene (a delightfully proto-Morgaine-ish Jean Marsh). Yes, the whole concept of an evil monarch destroying all babies because of a prophecy, let alone the narrative of a baby floating down the river, have potentially pretentious Biblical overtones.

This isn't a clever film. It isn't a great film. It's a highly polished B movie, where one may freely chortle at Warwick Davis' shifting accent even while conceding he's acrtually bloody good as a lead, outshining the disturbingly young pretty boy Val Kilmer who is merely adequate as a rogue turned hero. His arc works, though, from petty thief in a cage to lover to a princess. And the tempedtuous beginnings of their relationship are fun, as is much else.There;s a nice mix between straightforward adventure and comedy.

Jean Marsh is, as if it needed saying, the perfect baddie, chewing the scenery exactly to the right degree. It's good to see Billy Barty, a year after Masters of the Universe, as a cheerfully winging it wizard. The cast is, overall, a success. There's no CGI here;the special effects are real, eithet green screen or stop motion.

Yet it's hard not to see this film as a cheeky reworking of Lord of the Rings, and a cheeky little prompt to Peter Jackson in doing the real thing,

Doctor Who: Battlefield

Part One



“And boom!”

“Boom?”

“Boom!”

A garden centre. Whoopee. How very exciting. But hang on- it’s the Brig. With Doris, she of the name checking in Planet of the Spiders! How very fanwanky. But it’s great to see the Brig again, even though all the dialogue in this scene is a bit of a crude info-dump (“What, giving up teaching?”)

And we get UNIT too, now a proper UN organisation with blue berets and a few token foreigners to prove it. And there’s a new Brigadier, played by Angela Bruce, the female Lister from the most recently broadcast episode of Red Dwarf. She’s great. Her catchphrase isn’t. And it’s a bit odd how Zbigniew calls her “sir”. Hasn’t she noticed she’s, er, a she?

Blimey, it’s a bit dark in the TARDIS. It’s almost as if they were trying to hide the fact they’ve managed to dump most of the console room between seasons. The Doctor is also a bit darker with his new jacket. Symbolism, perhaps? There’s talk of “sideways in time” which alerts all those aware of how this show works that this is where the baddies are going to come from. They’re following a signal from Earth “a few years” in Ace’s future, a signal consisting of just the word “Merlin”. Oooh! We never do find out what it was.

The Doctor’s great when infiltrating himself with UNIT. I love the old-fashioned pocket-emptying, the passes, his reply to Winifred’s “I think I would have noticed a nuclear explosion.” With “Yes, they are conspicuous.” But he’s even better being all brooding and mysterious about this Arthurian stuff, at least now where the possibility of it all making sense by the end still seems open.

If Patrick’s “Arthur’s Ale” is approved by CAMRA then it must be damn good, but the script seems to mock it, especially with the philistine comments of Ace’s explosive-loving mate Shou Yuing. Bah. Apparently Ben Aaronovitch is not a real ale lover. Disgraceful. Shouldn’t be allowed. All right-thinking people love real ale.

Still, the coolness of the Doctor apparently having a Zoid in his pocket rouses me from my ranting state of mind as the knights with guns suddenly appear and start shooting at each other all over the place. I’m not sure what good the mediaeval armour’s supposed to be doing them under the circumstances, but I understand Aaronovitch intended it to look a lot more futuristic, which would have made a lot more sense and been a lot cooler.

I love the Brig’s constant assurances to Doris that he’s definitely not going to get killed, which were clearly put there to foreshadow his Beowulf-esque demise until Aaronovitch decided otherwise.

We finish by meeting Ancelyn, who recognises Merlin, and then some baddie knights. All this looks good mostly, and there are some cool concepts flying about, but I’m with Shou Yuing when she asks “Can someone tell me what on Earth is going on?”



Part Two



“Yes, remember Badon and my mighty arts!”

For years until I first saw the DVD with subtitles I thought the above quote was about a “mighty arch”. Anyway…

These knights are from another dimension. One of them, Mordred, is obviously a key figure from Arthurian legend, but I don’t think Ancelyn is. I’m still not sure exactly what’s going on, or how it’s all supposed to relate to the mythology, if at all beyond the superficial.

Mordred’s insane laughter is… an interesting approach. The Doctor’s use of a crisp packet to wake up Winifred and Ancelyn is much cooler, and I love the humorous way their relationship develops throughout the story.

A couple of niggles though; who got Geneva to call in the Brig, and why? Is Winifred not considered capable? And then there’s the ridiculously slow pace of Peter Warmsly’s archaeological dig. It would have taken the Time Team crew a bit less than ten fricking years to sort that load of trenches out. And then there’s Morgaine’s confrontation with the Brig at the cemetery- good scene, yes, but what are the Thirteen Worlds, and who are the S’Rax? And why is Arthur in a sodding spaceship under the lake? What’s happening?


Part Three



“Something’s wrong.”

“What?”

“We haven’t been attacked yet.”

So, Warmsley thinks the whole Arthurian thing’s “a bit of a myth really,” in spite of the fact he’s spent ten years digging a site whose only apparent worth is its connection with the legend? Still, it’s cool to see Ace emerge from the lake with Excalibur.

The Doctor and the Brig finally meet, and I love the Brig’s casual attitude to the fact the Doctor’s changed again; “Who else would it be?” We get Bessie too. But the best bit is of course where the Doctor stops the battle. I don’t mean “THERE. WILL. BE. NO. BATTLE HERE!” but the hilarious insults Mordred and Ancelyn throw at each other.

I still have no idea what’s going on, mind.



Part Four



“Exotic alien swords are easy to come by. Aces are rare.”

I admit the Destroyer looks good, whoever he is. This story is getting more and more like an episode of Angel as it goes on. Except nowhere near as good, obviously.

Everything in this story, with the Brig knocking the Doctor out so he can get the final confrontation, is clearly signposting his heroic sacrifice. I’m glad it doesn’t happen though. Full of nice little Brig moments though it is, this story isn’t really worthy of being the Brig’s swansong.

The Doctor’s talking Morgaine out of using the nuke sort of works, I suppose, and I like the note left from his future self. That doesn’t mean I have any idea what’s been happening, though. And it’s with good reason that everyone always asks exactly how they’re supposed to “lock up” Morgaine.

Still, there’s something about this story’s heart that’s in the right place. We may get the very Scooby Dooiest of Scooby Doo endings, but in a good way.


Well, that made no sense. There’s also a sense, although to a lesser extent than Silver Nemesis, that things have been edited so tightly as to affect the clarity of the narrative. And it’s not directed all that well either. But the main problem is the many basic things that aren’t explained- we learn nothing of who Morgaine’s lot or Ancelyn’s lot actually are, where they came from or what they want. And because, unlike last story, this story isn’t abstract or allegorical- it’s not about anything other than the plot itself, not even Arthurian myth in any meaningful way- these things matter. Still, it diverted me, had some good set pieces and some fun humour. A highish 2/5.

Doctor Who: The Daleks' Master Plan

The Nightmare Begins

"Well now! It's brain or brawn, or rather versus brain..."


It's great to see and hear the familiar Kembel sights and soundtrack, but even more great to see Nick Courtney. He's great, they should certainly think of using him again.

The scenes on Earth with the couple discussing the television news, sort of like a Greek chorus, are extraordinarily self-referential for Doctor Who at this time.

The short piece of footage we see, of Kert Gantry being exterminated by a Dalek, is quite magnificently directed. The camera angle, the "sting" in the soundtrack- have the Daleks ever seemed so scary?

It's a fascinating and new situation for Bret Vyon to get himself aboard the TARDIS with the Doctor apparently locked outside- it gives the sense of an unspoken rule of the narrative having been broken. If some recent stories may have seemed safe and cosy, it's clear this one won't.

Mavic Chen's speech comes across as very Blairesque to my modern eyes. He's slippery from the start, so although his treachery would no doubt have surprised the unspoiled viewer, it should not be shocking. Bret, on the other hand, may be a bit terse and ruthless but basically a decent chap, as he shows by giving Katarina tablets for Steven. Katarina's reactions to what she sees are fascinating.

Day of Armageddon

"Traitor? An archaic word for so advanced a... man as yourself."


Footage! Hooray! Doesn't this look great? Lots of nice touches abound, such as Mavic Chen's very odd way of holding his pen. Kevin Stoney is great, although the make-up used to alter his ethnic appearance certainly raises an eyebrow.

Naturally, the Daleks are eventually planning to kill all the delegates. Who, incidentally, look nothing like they did in Mission to the Unknown. And there are more than six of them to boot.

I love the scene where Bret Vyon and the Doctor tell each other to shut up, well played by both Hartnell and Courtney. You can see the growing respect between the two of them though; Vyon says to Hartnell as he goes in disguise to the conference that he's "a very brave man". And he is. The ambiguity stops here: the Doctor is behaving heroically and altruistically for entirely selfless reasons, showing little concern even for staying within reach of the TARDIS while the Daleks' plans are afoot. Long may this sort of thing continue!

So, the Dalek invasion of Earth started in 2157, seven years before the TARDISeers arrived?

This story is really quite superbly directed. In fact the entire production is slick and glossy looking with apparently high production values. Never before has a sci-fi story, if not any story, looked so great. The Daleks are beautifully shot here; they're so much more effective than ever before.

The plot thickens with the Doctor, in the action hero role for perhaps the first time, exploits the chaos caused by Bret and Steven to steal the Taranium Core before it can be placed into the Time Destructor. And once more Katarina shows a seemingly religious understanding of the Doctor. Nice cliffhanger, too. So far, this is great. Could we at last have a sci-fi story that can stand toe to toe with the historicals?

Devil Planet

"We have the Taranium so for the moment we do nothing. And by doing nothing we do everything. Do I make myself clear?"


It's a predicable resolution to the cliffhanger, but there's no let up in the pace as our heroes take off from Kembel. I'm really getting intrigued by Katarina (can't you just smell that dramatic irony?) and how much she understands of her surroundings. Of course, her reactions are far from realistic; you can't realistically portray the reactions of an ancient Trojan woman to all this space opera without constantly and tediously interrupting the narrative. But within the conventions of the genre her reactions are well thought through. Naturally, she assumes Kembel was Earth. Conveniently, she doesn't ask questions.

It's most amusing to see magnetic tape in use in the year 4000.

We're introduced to a planet called Desperus (!), a penal policy which is... interesting, some actual footage, and most notably the Doctor continuing to be heroic in a way he's never quite been before. This is another watershed story for the Hartnell Doctor's characterisation.

The Traitors

"I hope she's reached her Place of Perfection."

"Yes, but... not that way."


Katarina's death is utterly shocking, and fittingly followed by a long silence. Both the Doctor and Steven are shocked and upset; the scene is extremely effective, and with hindsight long foreshadowed.

The Daleks continue to impress; the Dalek Supreme's voice is among the finest I've ever heard and perhaps the ultimate Dalek voice, full of character, actually interesting to listen to, but unmistakably a Dalek. This Dalek Supreme is no fool, understanding Mavic Chen's motives perfectly. Never before have the Daleks seemed so manipulative and in control.

There are lots of nice little bits of world building in the scenes on Earth, dull though the actual sets undoubtedly would have been. Earth, it seems, abounds with traitors, even Bret's mate Daxtar. It's a nice juxtaposition of events where Bret, to the Doctor's outrage, shoots Daxtar, only to be himself shot soon afterwards by Sara Kingdom. The Doctor and Steven are in real trouble; stuck on a hostile Earth light years from the TARDIS.

Counter Plot

"An alien device. There are small white creatures inside. They may be hostile."


Some footage, and although unfortunately given that footage is so rationed this episode is not all that visual we get some groovy special effects at the start. So good in fact that they went some way to distracting me from the sheer convenience of our heroes being somehow teleported halfway across the galaxy by means unknown last episode. The ultimate cliffhanger cop-out, but as it's all rather fun so far I'll overlook that.

Kevin Stoney is great, and so much is added by actually seeing his performance. It's eye-opening seeing how Karlton behaves towards Chen though- he's clearly a powerful chap, and very well played by Maurice Browning. There's a great sequence where Chen begins to rant like a madman, Karlton subtly shows signs of noticing, and Chen suddenly becomes self-conscious and changes tack. How many other such visual moments are we missing?

Coolness abounds: invisible creatures (These beings appear to be invisible!"),Chen playing with his pen again, that Dalek with the compass thingy again (yay!) and, best of all, the epic battle between the Daleks and the mice. And lots of nice directorial touches- the studio floor is cunningly hidden in the jungle scenes.

The scenes where Sara Kingdom is finally convinced to trust the Doctor and Steven is well done, and well played by Jean Marsh.

Coronas of the Sun

"You make your incompetence sound like an achievement!"


Our first episode written by Dennis Spooner!

The scene between Chen and the Daleks in which they debate who is to blame for the failure to capture the TARDISeers is nicely handled; Chen starts out on the back foot, in seeming danger of being exterminated for his incompetence, only for the scene to end with an embarrassed Dalek Supreme blustering that "It is not an emergency". The voice artist for the Dalek Supreme is doing a superlative job.

So Steven's from "hundreds of years" before 4000, which would place him in the 4th millennium?

There's a rather interesting row between the Doctor and Steven at the end about Steven's antigrav experiment. They've never seemed that close compared to the Doctor's other companions- I suspect we'll be seeing more of this sort of thing.


All good stuff so far.

The Feast of Steven

"Well, I suppose you might say I'm a citizen of the universe. And a gentleman to boot."


Well, that was... different.

The scenes in the Liverpool police stations are good fun, although the Scouse accents are variable, to say the least. Some interesting dialogue: Aye, I think you know all of the queer people!"

The Hollywood section is... bewildering, especially without footage! Within two minutes I'd given up all pretence of understanding what was happening in favour of just going with the flow. Even the excellent Loose Cannon recon doesn't clarify things too much here. Great line from Sara: "I don't know, but a strange man kept telling me to take my clothes off".

Oh, and there's also that line!

This is all very silly, but it's harmless fun, and I won't be so churlish as to pay this any attention when reviewing the story as a whole.

Volcano

"Their greed for power is so great that they can be trusted."


Back to the story, and the tone's still a bit light-hearted, a bit The Chase even. It's good to see Daleks again, finally realising the Taranium Core they have is a fake. Things are so serious a time machine has to be summoned from Skaro- time machines are clearly rare.

Surely Trantis' shocking death would cause the other delegates to have second thoughts, but apparently not...

It's the Monk! Yay! And he's still in his robes for some reason. It's great to see him again, not least because Steven gets the chance to say "I'll explain later" to Sara.

The Doctor's ring gets curiouser and curiouser. Apparently "it has, er, certain properties", my precious.


Golden Death

"Dalek extermination will not be questioned!"


Egypt! More pseudo-historical goodness from Dennis Spooner! Things are getting good again, in spite of the frog in the Doctor's throat at the start. There are lots of cool things her; the Doctor's hat, the Monk's shades, and best of all an epic battle between Daleks and Ancient Egyptians. The tone's a bit odd, what with the Doctor and the Monk playing their practical jokes on each other amongst the real menace of the Daleks, but somehow it works.

It's nice to "see" Walter Randall again too.

Escape Switch

"I also include that Monk fellow, although I don't know why I should bother with him."


At last, some more footage! The Monk as a mummy is very cool indeed. As is Chen's shoving the Dalek's eyestalk aside. Once again I'm led to wonder how much of this sort of clever visual storytelling we're missing out on most of the time.

At last the plot is moving full throttle though, with the Daleks finally seizing the Taranium Core.


The Abandoned Planet

"Do we deal with Mavic Chen now?"

"No. His arrogance and greed have a further use for us."


There's a delicious irony to Chen's coup on his fellow delegates, given his own inevitable betrayal by the Daleks. Chen seems to cross a line in his desperation; he's no longer acting rationally. Of course, the other delegates are all surprised by their own blatantly obvious betrayal by the Daleks.

I love the way this episode gives us a "greatest hits" of the Dalek sound effects and music, some of which I don't remember hearing since the first Dalek story.

The Destruction of Time

"Such a waste. A terrible cost."


At last Chen is showing himself to be openly insane. This may not give him a motivation or make him any more than a cipher, but given his role in the story this doesn't really matter. Kevin Stoney has been brilliant since the start, and he's particularly good here as an increasingly desperate and deluded Chen gradually unravels. The scene of his extermination, with the long, ominous silences from the Daleks, is very effective.

This is an appropriately tense and gripping conclusion to the epic- the constant ticking of the Time Destructor is very effective in showing the relentlessness of the horror. Sara's fate is horrifying, and the ending is very bleak indeed.


Overall, utterly superb. Of course, it never pretended to be anything more than an epic adventure story and there was never any subtext to speak of, but there's certainly nothing wrong with that. This is the first science fiction story that I'd rank up with the best historicals. Aside from a slight dip in the middle it was constantly gripping. 5/5.

Doctor Who: The Crusade

The Lion

"I have a hopeful heart and, which is better, a lucky king."


I'm watching this on a combo of the video release and Loose Cannon, so the first thing I see is the nice little intro by William Russell. He looks very young and sprightly for his age.

This is the paciest start yet; no TARDIs intro scene. The TARDISeers step right into a forest (once again the pokiness of Lime Grove is cleverly obscured) and straight into trouble. Ian, and even more excellently the Doctor, are thrust into swordfights while Barbara is kidnapped within seconds- is this a record? The greatness of the dialogue is established very early: "A king at liberty may give commands. A captured one obeys them."

The Doctor's very naughty in this episode, what with the blatant thieving. Still, I love the way Hartnell plays it.

This is a very strong first episode, and the dialogue appeals hugely to a Shakespeare obsessive like myself. Nice referencing of Arabian Nights by Barbara- the show's still fulfilling its educational remit.

The Knight of Jaffa

"By my father's name, you have wit, old man."


"Your heart calls for England, Richard!" says Joanna. Of course, in reality he didn't give a damn about the place, but I'll let that pass as frankly this is great. Also, Richard's "This bloodletting must stop!" is a bit rich coming from him but, again, the historical inaccuracies aren't bothering me as I'm too preoccupied with the general excellence of everything.

Nice to see Bernard Kay again, playing Saladin. And also nice to see that the Saracens are as blessed with exalted dialogue as the English Normans. Also interesting to see that Walter Randall, who was frankly rubbish in The Aztecs, seems to be doing a much better job as El Akir.

The Doctor's managing to get out of stealing the clothes last episode is most amusing, and once again most excellently played by Hartnell.

Once again, Barbara's in dire peril, and of an unusually dark and adult kind, to boot. But once again she's irrepressible, and tries to escape. Yay!

The Wheel of Fortune

"There's something new in you, yet something older than the sky itself."

Vicki doesn't exactly look like a boy here, but of course, along with the style of the dialogue, this merely signals that, just as The Romans was a farce, this story is in the style of Elizabethan theatre.

Interestingly, we get our first bit of characterisation for Vicki since The Rescue; she says to the Doctor "You wouldn't go off and leave me, would you?". We're reminded of how rootless and vulnerable she is, perhaps even over-dependent. Still, there's no denying by this point that Vicki has a much more superficial characterisation than even Susan did, great as Maureen O'Brien's performance is.

Barbara gets a horrible dilemma as Haroun gives her a knife to kill Saliya and herself if necessary- this is a horrible dilemma, but fantastic drama, and once again Jacqueline Hill shows us what an excellent actress she is.

The debate at court over Richard's plan to marry Joanna to Saphadin is another dramatic, well-written, well-acted and, as we shall see, pivotal scene. The dialogue between the Doctor and the Earl of Leicester sparkles, although the Doctor is a bit gratuitously insulting: "You stupid butcher! Can you think of nothing else but killing, hmm?" Leicester replies with a wonderful line; "When you men of eloquence have stunned each other with your words, we, the soldiers, have to face it out." The Doctor's in an awkward position, though: he's sworn to tell Joanna of her brother's plans for her, and has now found out, but he's damned if he tells her and damned if he doesn't. And, it must be said, from a contemporary perspective it's unsettling to see the Doctor supporting what is in effect a forced marriage, even set against the potential cost to countless lives. Cue excellence from Jean Marsh.

We only see Sir Ian in a single film sequence. By now, I've become a seasoned veteran at spotting cast holidays.

In the event it's Leicester, not the Doctor, who tells Joanna of Richard's plans, but it doesn't matter- through his rash promise to Joanna he ends up alienating both parties.

The ending is quite disturbingly dark: "The only pleasure left for you is death. And death is very far away".

The Warlords

"I must see Jerusalem. I must."


El Akir is extremely sadistic, disturbing, and, surprisingly, reasonably well acted by Walter Randall of all people. Ibrahim, meanwhile, is merely an annoying stereotype, and this is the fault of actor Tutte Lemkow rather than the script. Still, Sir Ian faces a gruesome fate, being slowly eaten by ants.

King Richard, in conversation with the Doctor and Vicki, turns out to be cleverer than we might have supposed; he knows of Leicester's duplicity but needs him for the upcoming war. This conversation has an interesting postscript as the Doctor states that "history must take its course". It seems this story sides with The Aztecs and The Reign of Terror in The Great Changing History Debate, and they're all going to team up to give The Romans a good kicking.

Nice that Haroun's daughter Maimuna turns out to be one of the women who saves Barbara in the harem- the plot threads are all very neatly tied up.

The way the story ends, with Sir Ian's quick thinking allowing our heroes to return to the Ship, is most amusing. Nice little Billy-fluff at the end; "Oh, my good woman! Why don't you go and have a cup of... tea or something?"

Ooh, we end with another cliffhanger!


Overall, it was quite fitting that the... challenge... that was The Web Planet should be followed by the best story so far not to have been written by John Lucarotti. Quite sublime, its main fault being that, almost uniquely, for a four part story it seemed too short.