Batman: The Movie (1966)

“It approaches a climax...”

"Nyet, not so fast. Be more slow."

I had to watch this before embarking on Season Two, but I’d forgotten what an absolute riot of fun it was. I don’t care if they’ve recast Catwoman, or if the Joker is a bit of a spare part throughout. This is awesome.

Obviously, this being a film, we have a much bigger budget. Hence the big set pieces with the Batcopter, Batboat and even the Batcycle- all now available for use in the TV series. We have much location filming, much of it at sea. This is certainly cinematic. We can even afford the big three- the Penguin, Ridder and Joker in order of relative importance according to the script. We even get a second appearance from Catwoman, this time Lee Meriwether. And it's great to see the four felons together, wasted though Cesar Romero is. None of which takes away from the awesomeness of both Adam West and Burt Ward here.

Oh, and there’s also lots of action and spectacle for the kids. But those are not the things which make me love this film. No; those are things such as the Bat-ladder, the shark-repellent bat-spray, and the selfless porpoise which heroically gives its life so the Dynamic Duo may live. It's how nuns, prams and sucks conspire to make it so difficult to get rid of a bomb. It's the ridiculous, utterly nonsensical riddles where we're solemnly told that there's "only one possible meaning". It's Robin telling Batman that "Drink is sure a filthy thing, isn't it?" and Batman saving the lie even of (gasp) drinkers because there is yet hope for them to be "salvaged". I'll certainly have yet another drink to that.

Best superhero film ever. Oh yes it is.

Batman: Fine Finny Fiends & Batman Makes the Scenes

Fine Finny Fiends

"Dick, I'm afraid you'd better put your Latin verbs aside for the nonce."

The final two parter of a splendid first season, then, and while this week's offering doesn't match the season's heights, it has plenty to offer. Plus, while Burgess Meredith's Penguin, for me, is a little eclipsed by Frank Gorshin's Riddler, it's certainly good to see him again.

There's an interesting conceit with Penguin's kidnapping and brainwashing of Alfred, which gives an extra frisson to the early scenes where Bruce is more than usually perturbed upon answering the Batphone. Then things return to normal, even with the return of "atomic batteries to power, turbines to speed" before we get some silly filler scenes full of weak wordplay around the Penguin's alias of "Knott A. Fish" as he adopts a nautical theme and, for once, has a girl presented as a beard... er, girlfriend, but shows no chemistry with her at all. And yet it's fun to see Alan Napier, in a very much larger than usual part, play a brainwashed Alfred with that twitch. And we get a wonderful moment where Batman stops Robin before crossing the street and implores him to "always look both ways".

A farly par episode, then, ending with a vacuum-packed cliffhanger.


Batman Makes the Scenes

"Only you could put that pusillanimous poltroon of a Penguin to fight!"

Saved by the utility belt again. But the waddling bird has fled, and the Dynamic Duo are almost back to square one- but they know the Penguin plans to rob the millionaires' dinner, and so they set into motion a complex plan involving a duped Alfred and, ahem, anti-Penguin gas pills. Which are obviously a thing.

It's a fun, fast-moving episode, more so than its predecessor, but so very much following the template you can almost predict what happens- not, I suppose, a particularly strong criticism you can make from this show. But, for once, while there's a lot to enjoy, a certain spark is missing.

What's this, though- Catwoman next week? The season is over, right?

Batman: Death in Slow Motion & The Riddler’s False Notion

Death in Slow Motion

“Our hopes for his reform have been blasted once again!”

The last time I saw this episode I’m sure it was introduced by Tommy Boyd of all people. If my memory is correct then I’m sure that was a disturbingly long time ago. What I didn’t remember- probably because I was far too young at the time to have any critical faculties of note- is that this is one of the finest two partners yet.

Every time Frank Gorshin appears I have to mention how bloody brilliant he is, and how it’s no wonder the Riddler has appeared more time than any other villain as he’s clearly the best. But the little Charlie Chaplin caper at the start is an extraordinary piece of acting as well as a brilliant set piece, introducing us to this week’s theme- silent movies.

It’s great that this episode guest starts Francis X. Bushman, a genuine silent star born in 1883, Back when Bismarck was German Chancellor and film was not yet a thing, and who would sadly die later in 1966. Bushman plays silent film collector Van Jones, who plays a central role in a surprisingly coherent plot which features the Riddler and his gang (including the rather lovely and talented Pauline) gradually using their capers to make a silent comedy starring the dynamic duo.

It’s instructive to remember that silent cinema, in 1966, was closer to them in time than ‘50s rock ‘n’ roll is to us. Many of the silent film stars were still alive and it’s interesting to see the ‘60s perspective, seemingly heavily based on the comedies of Charlie Chaplin- very much alive- and the Keystone Kops. The Riddler’s capers are all shown in a silent comedy style, with music to match, and it’s all splendidly entertaining.

The final caper is at a party in Van Jones’ house- and the old collector is sadly an old temperance busybody, keen to enforce his teetotal ways on those of us who prefer a good pint to telling others people what to do. It’s enough to make you side with the Riddler in spiking the drinks- the moral here is clearly that every good party deserves booze and lots of it.

The cliffhanger is suspiciously Goldfinger, with Robin about to be sawn (the narrator says “sawed”!) in half. But what elevates this to a work of true Batman genius is that the lever has four options- “slow”, “not so fast”, “fast” and “real fast”. I love this programme.


The Riddler’s False Notion

“In future, be more careful from whom you accept free lemonade.”

Hmm, so Batman saves Robin after all, although we were told at the cliffhanger that he would not arrive in time. Never mind: I’ll forgive the episode because of the hilarity of Pauline’s interrogation. Not only are the police perfectly happy for Batman to gas their suspect and take her to the Batcave to be interviewed, the Commissioner gets to come along- being Bat-gassed too- and acts like the ultimate fanboy.

The big set piece is Robin being made to fatally replay Harold Lloyd’s famous sequence from Safety Last, but fortunately Batman saves him... by having him take a Batarang in his mouth so he can be lifted to safety. And what elevates this to utter brilliance is that Robin’s immediate response is to say “Holy molars! Am I glad I take good cars of my teeth” followed by a sadly interrupted discourse on the importance of good dental hygiene. Brilliant.

The baddies sadly escape in their helicopter but, interestingly, the Batcopter is mentioned- plans for the forthcoming movie are clearly afoot. But the payoff is clever- Van Jones has hired their Riddler to make a new silent comedy for his collection; I knew these temperance types were evil. But Riddler almost turns the tables on the old spoilsport, with the real plan all along being the theft of his collection. And the whole thing is done in the style of The Great Hold Up. Brilliant.

The episode ends with Batman and Robin, making absolutely zero attempt to disguise their voices, surprising a naive Aunt Harriet on her birthday. This episode is hilarious and superb, and it’s getting very noticeable that this first season, pretty damn good throughout, is showing a notable upswing in quality before the end.

Doctor Who: Ascension of the Cybermen

“We're carrying the Cyberman that makes other Cybermen scream..."

Well, yeah. That was very good indeed. Actually, it was sort of excellent. And Chris Chibnall bloody wrote it.

So it's a long time in the future, after the Cyber-Wars, according to the pre-titles CGI with narration which rather niftily takes us into the title sequence through a Cyberman's eye. It's a cool beginning to an episode with not much wrong with it.

One intriguing sub-plot, beginning immediately after the titles, concerns an ordinary couple in mid-twentieth century Ireland who find a baby in a basket, abandoned like Moses, and we see scenes throughout as they raise the lad into a decent, nice young man who decides to join the Garda. But his survival after he's shot and falls from a cliff makes us (and his worried father) worried that things may be going a bit Clark Kent. Only after his retirement, and his forceful accosting by two youthful doppelgangers- itself weird- do we learn that he's been under the influence of a Chameleon Arch for his entire life. A time lord, presumably? Perhaps even yet another unknown incarnation of the Doctor? The one thing I’m certain of is that the explanation is closely liked to what the Master tells the Doctor at the end of the episode. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s just say the payoff to this segment is awesome.

But, for the Doctor and her Fam, the world surrounding them is very different from idyllic rural Eire. It’s a period after the Cyber-Wars, where the Cybermen are almost dead but humans are almost as endangered, the Doctor telling Yas, Ryan, Graham and the viewers that the seven people in the precarious settlement before them are the only humans left, at least in this part of the galaxy. It all feels very Frontios. These characters are likeable and well-sketched for an episode with so much else to do, but as the Cyber-drones (robot Cyber-heads) arrive we’re very firmly told that this is a narrative with no time for the Doctor’s usual tricks as a couple of characters are killed, all of the Doctor’s smugly presented gadgets are destroyed and suddenly things are looking very worrying indeed, so much so that the Doctor panics, in what is a rather important scene for Jodie Whittaker’s Doctor, forcefully telling the “Fam” that they need to do as she says and not question her, and she regrets putting them in such deadly danger. All this is very ominous, especially as a trio of attacking Cybermen force Yas and Graham to flee in a separate ship from the Doctor and Ryan. Oh, and one of those three Cybermen is Ashad from last episode. It’s beginning to look awfully as though his survival, after last week, is going to result in the death of at least one of the Doctor’s friends.

There are some nice touches to these scenes- the Cybermen's legendary weakness to gold is mentioned, but rather forcefully batted away as irrelevant. The Doctor used to hotwire warp drives on weekends as a teenager, "not that we had weekends, or teenagers". And this Doctor, instead of jelly babies, has humbugs. But things look ominous. Ashad seems to imply to the Doctor that he is, to semi-quote the old Cartmel Masterplan,more than just a Cybermen: he eagerly embraced conversion, or "ascension" but was "denied"- because of some kind of apparent destiny. And now, with the Cyberium, he seems to hint at literally precognitive powers, and foresees the end for humanity. Who is he?

We end with Yas, Graham and their friends on a ship full of dormant Cybermen of a quasi-Invasion vintage, and watching in horror as Ashad and his two lieutenants arrive to painfully awaken the Cyber-army. They seem to have no hope... but this is but one cliffhanger.

Elsewhere, the Doctor, Ryan and their friends arrive at the promised land (there's a lot of Biblical allusion in this episode) to find a selfless old man, Ko Sharmus, and a magic portal just into the sea that transports the desperate to a completely random point in the universe- and yet, as the Doctor looks into the portal, the sees the orange skies and the Citadel on Gallifrey. Why there? Why Now? And, no less importantly, why does the Master, still played by the brilliant Sacha Dhawan, choose this moment to jump out of the portal to gleefully tell the Doctor that everything she knows is wrong?

So... yeah. That was amazing. And will take a long time to digest. Next week's finale certainly looks big.

Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives (1986)

"I think we're dead meat..."

I know; it's been a long time. But after the not-very-goodness of the last film- indeed, of the last few films- it took a while before I could face another Friday the 13th. Imagine my surprise, then, when this instalment actually tuned out to be pretty decent. I won't use a stronger word than "decent", mind, but I unexpectedly enjoyed this.

For a start, it's genuinely well shot and acted throughout; the film doesn't look like a throwaway B movie, despite the total lack of famous faces and the obvious recasting of Tommy. The plot is pretty standard stuff but .the story is told well- with plenty of wit, suspense, character and Alice Cooper, all of which enhance this film well beyond any of its predecessors.

It's also good to see just a little bit of self-referential irony. The fourth wall is never explicitly broken and this film isn't Scream, but it's clear that this is a script that knows its horror movie tropes and how to have fun with them: yes, the teenagers having sex in the motorhome are inevitably killed, but she's trying to get him to last for the lenth of the song playing, and when Jason cuts the power she's annoyed when he cums- and then he's obliviously listening to Alice Cooper while she's being killed, probably without even getting an orgasm. This film feels modern and real in a way none of its predecessors did, and even the arsehole sheriff feels like a real person.

Let's not exaggerate; this is hardly the greatest slasher ever made. But it's actually good, and for a Friday the 13th film that's a massive achievement.

Batman: The Bookworm Turns & While Gotham City Burns

The Bookworm Turns

"I solemnly swear by my oath as a crimefighter that this outrage will not go unavenged!"

This episode boasts two important firsts. This may not be, after we saw the splendid King Tut  last week, the series' first original villain, but it's the first of many one-off baddies played by big names- and the Bookworm is a magnificent character. Just as importantly, it's the first episode I've blogged that I've never seen before. All episodes up until now I saw as part of a series of repeats in the '90s.  I've seen many more episodes, of course, but in a haphazard fashion.

More importantly, this two-parter is superb in every way, and truly special.

To begin with, the Bookworm is both an inspired character with a real backstory and layed with both charisma and unusual depth by Roddy McDowall. He’s fun, with that silly reading lamp on his head and all the literary quotations, and what’s particularly cool is that he’s a nerd who essentially gets to be cool, to have a gang of his own and, of course, to have a pretty girlfriend in Lydia. But, like Frank Gorshin, he’s dangerous and unstable, see-sawing between his calm and rational side and his fits of rage, especially when reminded of his failed literary career.

His plan, such as it is, consists at this point only in set pieces which make no sense, but we don’t care because this is Batman. And this episode shakes up the format daringly by opening with the apparent assassination of Commissioner Gordon, a deliberately shocking and effective opening which packs a punch even if it does result in a bit of a cheat. It’s worth it, quite frankly, just to see the passion with which Adam West’s Batman vows revenge.

There are little firsts, too: a new POV shot for the Batmobile at the start and, of course, the first time a celebrity guest- in this case Jerry Lewis- opens the window while the Dynamic Duo are climbing a building. We also get used of asbestos that definitely wouldn’t happen these days plus some wonderful literary cleverness- there are not many episodes where the cliffhanger is a devilishly I genius riff on a John Donne lyrics. And, of course, the Bookworm ordering his gang to remove their glasses before fighting while Batman implored Robin to “never hit a man with glasses”.


While Gotham City Burns

"Red alert! Red alert! We are trapped inside a Cookbook at 5th and Cedar!"

I know the cliffhanger is really an outrageous cheat, skipping back in time a few minutes to give Batman time to work out the danger Robin is in and come up with a creative solution, to the amazement of Chief O’Hara. But it’s so fun to see Batman being the detective he is and working it all out, and worth the rather large amount of time we spend on the cliffhanger resolution.

This is another episode of set pieces, really, with Bookworm’s actual criminal plot almost racked on as an afterthought at the end. But, as with the previous episode, we don’t care. There’s a giant cookbook and an outrageous escape. It’s all such fun. And the Bookworm’s comeuppance is not so much his capture as the moment Bruce corrects him on a quotation from Don Quixote. This is one of the finest two patters yet, with a splendid new villain who deserved another outing at least as much as any we’ve seen so far.

Doctor Who: The Haunting of Villa Diodati

“I must poppeth to the little boys' room."

Now that was unexpected. Also clever. This looks very much, for a large chunk of the episode, to be a very standard celebrity historical. After all, we have Mary Shelley, a superficial but fun version of Lord Byron (with a shout-out to his awesome daughter, who was from Leicestershire, you know), and (eventually) Percy Bysshe Shelley. Ad in the fact that it's the night Mary S wrote Frankenstein in 1816, a haunted house, foreboding visions, ghosts, plus loads and loads of very effectively atmospheric direction from newcomer Emma Sullivan, and this looks to be an example- and a rather bloody good one-of the formulaic pairing of a celebrity historical figure with a science fantasy threat thematically related to their life- as per earlier in this season with Nikola Tesla's Night of Terror.

Except that's not what this ultimately turns out to be. Well, sort of; the episode does sort of have its cake and eat it by playing with the tropes of the celebrity historical for most of the run time. But this turns out in fact to be an arc episode, a harbinger of the final two-parter that reminds me somewhat of Utopia. Because it is here that the Doctor encounters the lone Cyberman as prophesied by Captain Jack- and ends up giving it what it wants in a huge timey-wimey dilemma. And the consequences are nailed on certain to be dire.

But the celebrity historical horror bits of the episode really are bloody good, from the house going all Castrovalva to the moment with Dr Polidori walking through the walls. It's an impressive script from newcomer Maxine Alderton (no writer credit for Chibbers), with some nice touches such as all the exposition early on being imparted via gossip during the dance early on. And there are a lot of characters to keep track of- not only the TARDIS crew but Byron, Mary and Percy Shelley, plus John Polidori of The Vampyre fame, and everyone gets some kind of development, even if necessarily superficial.

But the explanation for the, well, recursive occlusion is cool enough- a perception filter- and the nature of the threat is awesome- Nick Briggs playing Ashad, a horrifyingly part-Cybernised Cyberman, with half a human face and emotions still intact, which gives us a very clear pointer that he's insane. This really wrenches true body horror from the concept of the Cybermen. And it's looking for the "Cyberium", an artifact from the Cyber-Wars of the future which seems like the kind of Cyber-Planner Kit Pedler would probably have written for The Invasion if William Gibson had been a thing in 1968.

And the Doctor's dilemma (ahem) is an appalling one- Jack warned her not to give the Cyberman what it wants, on pain of untold death and suffering. But the alternative is the premature death of Percy Bysshe Shelley and, as the Doctor rightly puts it, "words matter". Poets are as important as scientists, and it matters in these Gradgrindian times that this be said. A universe without Shelley hardly bears thinking about, and not only because, as the Doctor says to Ryan, the butterfly effect would mean that he and her other friends would never be born.

As the Doctor points out (rather forcibly), it's in these decisions that she is, and must be alone, a being apart, stil the Lonely God, and there is the question as to how three ordinary humans can really be friends to such a being on the level they believe they are. And yet, even when offered the chance to sit out the upcoming saga of the Cyber-War, all of Graham, Yas and Ryan insist upon coming along. I'm getting the strong stench of imminent tragic death.

And so yes, that was rather good- both as a story in its own right and part of the spine for the season. In mixing up the types of Doctor Who stories it's a Time Meddler for out times. ♥But what is being set up...?

Dracula (1979)

“Oh, I loved to be frightened..”

This was the last of the famous Dracula films I’d seen and, while it doesn’t rival the recent BBC TV series, it’s easily the best cinematic version of the original novel, excellent though some of the others have been.

This film is, strictly speaking, based on the play written in the years after the novel was published but, despite skipping the famous Transylvanian bit, and with those inevitable lines "I never drink wine" and "Children of the night, what (sad music they make" present and correct, this is broadly very faithful to the original epistolary novel- not without changes but preserving the core of the story, namely Dracula coming through the window to threaten first Mina and then Lucy.

There's no downplaying the original sexual subtext of Dracula drinking Lucy's blood, either: the film is very well-shot throughout but the main scene of Dracula feeding from Lucy is directed in an abstract but obviously sexual way. Plus, of course, Frank Langella gices us a charming and deeply erotic version of the Count, with charisma enough almost to rival the great Christopher Lee.


Laurence Olivier is, perhaps, hamming it up as Van Helsing, although Larry hamming it up is worth a strong performance from a lesser actor. But it's a real stroke of genius to cast Trevor Eve as an appropriately chippy Jonathan Harker, somewhat pissed off at Dracula for nicking his fiancee.

It's also nice to hear Hollywood acknowledging that Whitby is in face in Yorkshire and not the Home Counties, with the not-posh characters having accents to match. It's a nice but crucial detail that is so often forgotten. It may or may not be the best Dracula film, but it's easily the best cinematic version of the novel Bram Stoker wrote.

Batman: The Curse of Tut & The Pharaoh's in a Rut

The Curse of Tut

"How many times must I tell you? Queens consume nectar and ambrosia, not hot dogs!"

For the first time ever, and really rather late on in the first season, the series gives us its first genuinely new villain, and he's magnificent- King Tut, played with truly splendid hamminess by Victor Buono. Once a respected Egyptology professor, he was hit on the head during a student riot (it's the '60's, after all) and woke under the delusion that he was the supposedly historical "King Tut" of the 14th dynasty, and that Gotham City is actually Thebes. Well then. And he's already very much a known quantity.

This two parter, elevated by a great villain and much hilarity, is utterly splendid, with Adam West getting to show a new side to his comic talents as Bruce in the museum. Every moment is entertaining, and even the captions during the fight in the park are a cut above the norm ("Qunck!") while the visuals of the mummy's eyes opening are magnificent. This episode milks its premise as much as it can, and ends on a great cliffhanger. I'm loving this.


The Pharaoh's in a Rut

"Batman? He turns me on..."

The above is said by "Nefertiti", who further desripes the Caped Crusader as "handsome, clean cut and groovy". Well then.

Things continue to be awesome in this second episode of plots and counter-plots, even if Batman is indeed taking out of his arse when he says that Alexandria is anywhere near to the Nile delta and the Egyptology throughout is decidedly dodgy. We simply don't care.

The Queen, now out of favour, are subjected to the utterly terrifying pebble torture and forced to dance for Tut's amusement. Fortunately Batman stays sane by reciting his times tables backwards. Phew. Plus Alfred chauffeurs Robin in the Batmobile and a dummy Bruce Wayne is switched to Batman through a series of highly convenient plot contrivances. I love it.

More Tut please. This has been a real season highlight.

Batman: The Joker Trumps an Ace & Batman Sets the Pace

The Joker Trumps an Ace

"Let Gayfellow take you to the cleaners."

The Jokers's back a third time and, like the previous two parter with the Riddler, this is a fairly par story- entertaining enough but not likely to stand out. It does though, admittedly, have a genuinely clever plot.

There are a few things to raise an eyebrow, however. The opening scenes give us some of the old "Batteries to power, turbines to speed" clip for the first time in ages. One of the Joker's henchmen would voice Kranix twenty years later in Transformers: The Movie. And the plot revolves around the kidnapping of a comedy maharajah who is... played by a white actor. Oh dear.

Cesar Romero may be no Frank Gorshin, but he certainly has charisma and presence- and the suspense of working out what the Joker is up to is fun; this is no loose collection of set pieces but a (just about, if you squint a bit) coherent plot. Plus it's enormous fun to see the Batmobile roving around a golf course. That'll teach people to spoil their good walks.

Good cliffhanger, though, and I like how the utility belt and rope are explicitly ruled out as our heroes are trapped in a chimney with rising poison gas.


Batman Sets the Pace

"Gosh, Batman. I'll never neglect my math again!"

It's a devilishly clever cliffhanger resolution: Batman and Robin, tied together back to back, simply walk up the sides of the chimney to escape the gas. So it's back to the Batcave, an undercover visit to a joke shop, and the use of, er, trigonometry to get into the Joker's hideout via a ventilation shaft- Batman goes first, of course, because of "dynamic seniority".

Then we come to a little three way phone call arranging the maharajah's ransom between Batman, the Commissioner and the Joker which, uncannily, is most certainly my earliest memory of watching Batman, no doubt at some point during the '80s during Wacaday or something. It's a strange feeling to get such an unexpected wave of nostalgia.

The ending, for once not bothering with reforming the baddie's conscience-stricken girlfriend, features a genuinely clever twist. But the ending is odd- the Batphone rings at the end of the episode and, for some reason, surprises everyone because the episode is over- something which makes no sense (crime doesn't take a break) unless everyone realies they're in a 25 minute television programme. But it's just a feeble joke about Batman running for Governor of California- better him that that moron Ronald Reagan- with talk about, ahem, tiger hunting. Oh dear.

Batman: The Ring of Wax & Give 'Em the Axe

The Ring of Wax

"What devilish sticky stuff!"

This two-parter is, really, pretty much Batman by numbers- the script is quite good but no more than that, and the collection of set pieces strung together to form a plot of sorts are entertaining enough but not enough to make this story stand out.

And yet all this is elevated into something more by the presence of Fran Gorshin as the Riddler, reminding us once more with his watchable, amusing, psychotic and genuinely menacing performance why, as Batman villains go, he's the best of a very good bunch. There are good reasons why he's the first villain to be back a third time. Even if these new writers do tend to have him say the word "dividend" every other sentence.

So forget the guff about wax and universal solvents. Focus instead on the Riddler quoting a soliloquy from Hamlet and saying that "I wrote it myself." And focus too on his fourth-wall breaking explanation for the elaborate predicament he devises for the cliffhanger as the Dynamic Duo are slowly lowered into boiling wax- "Why kill them fast when watching them die slowly is so much more entertaining?"


Give 'Em the Axe

"Crime is no fun without riddles!"

This is a deliciously convoluted cliffhanger resolution involving a shiny belt buckle and the convenient presence of both a vat of explosives and a shaft of sunlight. This resolution takes up ten minutes of screen time, leading to a fairly short succession of set pieces before the inevitable ending with a fight, the Riddler losing and this week's female baddie expressing regret too late.

We get some fun, though- the Riddler's tour of the torture implement in Gotham Museum has him wistfully longing for "the good old days". His overall plan to nick Incan gold from a sarcophagus that happens to be on loan to the museum makes, naturally, no sense whatsoever, but this is Batman. We don't care about boring old plot logic.

It's all over too soon and, although this by far the weakest of his three appearances, we're itching to see the Riddler again. And if this is perhaps the least impressive episode so far, it is nonetheless impressive that Batman, even at its relative worst, is pretty damned awesome.

Batman: The Penguin Goes Straight & Not Yet He Ain't

The Penguin Goes Straight

"Jumping jeepers- a bulletproof umbrella!"

It's taken a surprisingly long time for the Penguin to turn up for a second time but it's worth the wait. Burgess Meredith is clearly growing into the role and having enormous fun, and it's infectious. It certainly helps that this two-parter is co-written by Lorenzo Semple Jr.

Even the opening is fun- the intermission at a theatre where the theatregoers emerge for a "refreshing orange drink" only for socialite Sophia Starr to be robbed by a no good hoodlum, and promptly saved by a seemingly reformed Penguin, who even gets a "Pow". Has he indeed turned crimefighter? His teasing smugness towards the Dynamic Duo is certainly hilarious, as is their strait-laced frustration.

There's a bit of playing with the usual format- the initial chat with the Commissioner is via the "mobile Batphone", and we even see some hardline police interrogation techniques from Gordon and O'Hara. And it's great to get another undercover mission for Alfred, with Alan Napier getting a chance to show off his comic skills. And it's clever and fun to see our heroes being tricked into becoming fugitives from the law, for once.

Best of all, though, is the cliffhanger- an unwitting Commissioner and Chief (always a double act these days- whatever happened to Inspector Bash?) about to shoot a Dynamic Duo suspended from the ceiling. The narrator challenges us to think of a way out, and it certainly isn't easy.


Not Yet He Ain't

"Oh frabjous day! Callo, callay!"

Bulletproof shoe soles- that's a clever cliffhanger resolution.`And soon Batman- with a glass of milk- and Robin are plotting their comeback. And it's a clever plan involving a police chase and shootout in front of the police, seemingly ending in their deaths- and we (and Alfred!) are sort of left thinking they're dead for several minutes, not that we're fooled; we know the rules.

Commissioner Gordon's sympathies for the Batman, an unaccountable vigilante, really do reach extreme lengths, don't they? I rather think he script is encouraging us to raise an eyebrow here. The Penguin almost has a point.

But it's all, of course, a plot to let the Penguin reveal his real plans to a stolen and bugged Batmobile- the Penguin is rather dim not to suspect this, but who cares? After all, this is a story where the Penguin's plot is to arrange a wedding to a socialite only to escape with the expensive wedding presents, seeming rather pleased to still be a bachelor- are we supposed to see hints as to his sexual orientation? Whatever, the scenes of heavy rain at an indoor wedding are hilarious. Much like the gadgets in the Batmobile, with Batman in his Batcycle having fun tormenting the Penguin as he drives through his green screen landscape in the Batmobile.

This is a particularly fun two parter, and the Penguin is improving as a villain in my estimation.

Mary Poppins Returns (2018)

“This family is clearly in desperate need of a nanny."

I'm almost glad the winds and the rain were so angry and threatening today: Mrs Llamastrangler, Little Miss Llamastrangler and I don't often all watch films together but we watched this today. And it was wonderful.

The casting is spot-on, and not only the nice little cameo for nonagenarian Dick Van Dyke at the end, complete with tap dancing. Emily Blunt is absolutely superb as Mary Poppins. She approaches the part in exactly the right way- echoing Julie Andrews without being a slavish copy, giving what is very much her own performance which is nothing short of a triumph- charismatic, assured, compulsively watchable. Lin-Manuel Miranda is only passable as Bert's replacement Jack, with a mostly ok Cockney accent in flagrant disregard of tradition. And one of the children is, of course, the precociously talented Pixie Davies from Humans.

It's the '30s now, and Michael and Jane have grown up. But Michael is now widowed with three kings, which makes him tense and vulnerable as well as providing a good excuse for Jane to be living with them. But there's trouble afoot as plot necessity demands that the family home be threatened with repossession unless a miracle is to somehow happen. This plot looks awfully similar to that of Nanny McPhee but, of course, it would be the mother of all pot/kettle situations to accuse a Mary Poppins film of ripping off that particular, er, homage. It's especially amusing to see Colin Firth as the baddie here.

The film is splendidly entertaining throughout, with the fantasy sequences being splendidly child-friendly and visually exciting. The songs, if nowhere near as memorable as those of the original, are good. For such a belated sequel this is really very good indeed.

Doctor Who: Can You Hear Me?

“What do you think it feels like to be them, to be such tiny, ephemeral flashes of existence?"

That was an extraordinary piece of television- effective as drama, deeply creepy and scary, developed all of the regular characters significantly and equally. It also had a subtle couple of nods for the old school fans and probably has more significance for the season arc than we think at first.

Best of all, it was actually about something.

It's often a sign of a good script when you have a complex situation- and here we have 14th century Aleppo; Yas, Ryan and Graham all visiting friends or relatives in Sheffield and later move to outer space in the far future. It's complex, but never confusing if you're paying attention, all to the credit of new writer Charlene James, with Chris Chibnall getting a co-credit. It's all wonderfully structured, including a pre-titles teaser for the first time in ages- yay!

The regulars all get meaty stuff. We discover that, three years ago, Yas had a bit of a crisis- bullies, slipping grades, parents not getting it- and was only prevented from running away by a kindly police officer, herself a nicely written character. Ryan has a best friend who has suffered alone with mental health issues lately, and it's clear that Ryan feels he's been neglecting the people at home while he's away travelling in the TARDIS. His conversation in the TARDIS with Yas at the end makes me feel he may not want to keep travelling for much longer.

Then we have Graham's fears and anxieties about his cancer returning- and a nice little character moment for the Doctor of the kind that was missing last season as Graham confides in her and she frankly confesses her social awkwardness. More of this sort of thing please.

At first, in Aleppo, it appears the baddies are going to be the nasty CGI monsters- but it's a whopping great clue when we're told that the monsters don't exist. There's quite a lot of clever misdirection. The first part of the episode is creepy and atmospheric, a wonderful combination the excellent visual style we consistently get with Doctor Who these days (something I don't praise often enough) and equally good writing. It's a great sci-fi concept that we hav two colliding planets with a wondrously engineered artifact between them preventing armageddon, and also that this artifact seems to be a prison containing a woman being fed nightmares- a great concept, and a puzzle. Ian Gelder is superb, too, as the incredibly creepy finger-detaching man.

Yet the revelations pay off superbly- like how, in solving the apparent puzzle of breaking the lock combination the Doctor fails to solve the puzzle of what's going on, and falls into a terrible trap. And I love that the pair of cruelly playful immortals behind it all strongly echo the Eternals from Enlightenment- although, quite rightly, it's left ambiguous that this is what they are. What does seem to be clear is that they're the same as the eponymous villain in The Celestial Toymaker. Whatever the continuity implications, I love the visual style of how we get all the animated exposition. And I suspect their existence points towards something significant, hence the audio flashback to the Master telling us of dark Gallifreyan secrets and the Timeless Child.

But this is, at its root, a story about mental health. These immortal beings feed on our nightmares, our self-doubt, our feelings that we're not good enough. And it's in being strong, in rising above these doubts, that we can triumph. A wonderful subtext to an episode which is exceptional in every way.

From Morn to Midnight (1920)

Time for a silent German expressionist film, I think, and one that's a hundred years old this year. This has all the crooked, alienating, crooked set design that one would expect from the movement that gave us Nosferatu and The Cabinet of Dr Caligari. Quite rightly, neither the look nor the acting are having any of that realism nonsense.

This is based on a play by Georg Kaiser of which I know nothing except what I've just Googled. Apparently Kaiser eschewed such bourgeois affectations as characterisation and his plays all apply Nietzcgean philosophy. Here, then, we have a middle aged bank cashier who one day, on a whim, nicks a load of money because he wrongly thinks some Italian lady fancies him, abandons his wife and daughter, and aimlessly looks for meaning. It's quite the mid-life crisis, sort of The Fall and Rise of Reginald Perrin in the Weimar Republic but with added God being dead, supermen, will to power and whatever Nietzchean subtext there may be.

Whatever its philosophical underpinnings, the last scene is devilishly clever. Just as the cashier seems to find religion, and it all seems to be a morality play, this expectation is subverted as the Salvation Army lot turn out to be just as greedy and corruptible as everyone else. The only person standing by him is the girl (the same actress plays many parts, including hid daughter and the prostitute she pervs over... who promptly ships him to the police, whereupon he gets shot dead. Lovely.

This is an enjoyable, neglected gem, freely available on YouTube. Unfortunately though, there's a very dodgily stereotyped Jewish character early on, and we can hardly excuse this in Weimar Germany of all times and places.

King Ghidorah the Three Headed Monster (1964)

"Is Jupiter in Africa?"

 This film is, of course, completely bonkers- the mere fact that it ends with Godzilla, Rodan and Mothra teaming up to defeat three headed alien beast King Ghidorah tells you that. But it never ceases to be entertaining, the model work is if anything better than ever and Ishiro Honda's usual cast of actors do a sterling job as ever.

The plot ain't half bizarre, though. They squeeze in a sub-plot about a princess from a fictional country chased by agent of the new tyrannical government (possible influence on Star Wars...?!), only for said princess to survive an exploding plane and have her body temporarily inhabited by the consciousness of one of the long dead precognitive inhabitants of Jupiter who were wiped out five millennia ago by the terrifying King Ghidorah. As you do.

Oh, and loads of meteorites land, one of which later hatches King Ghidorah himself. Was Quatermass II (presumably the film) an influence here?

We also have more stuff with Infant Island, more (thankfully no longer blacked up) "natives and those little fairy women, except that this culture that was so proud of its religion and culture in Mothra is now happy to be used to provide content for a Japanese light entertainment programme. Well then.

Arguably, perhaps, the four(!) monsters we have here don't get enough screen time, but the monster set pieces we do see are utterly splendid, and King Ghidorah himself is, relatively speaking, a triumph of both design and execution. This film is utterly, utterly B movie but, provided you're in the mood, it's fast moving and enormous fun.

Batman: The Purr-fect Crime & Better Luck Next Time

The Purr-fect Crime

"You can brush my pussy willows before you leave..."

We finally meet the last of Batman's iconic foes to appear- and Julie Newmar is incredible- charismatic, sexy and downright kinky, first seen threatening her two minions, both dressed as cats, with her cat o' nine tails.Even the opening teaser is nicely done, with a bit of cat burglary, and we get one of the wittiest high camp scripts yet as the Dynamic Duo are led to Catwoman's lair to be toyed with as a kitten does to a spider.

Batman's deadly straight goody-goodiness has never been more splendidly apparent- Robin is reminded that "you haven't fastened your safety bat belt" but approvingly told that "I'm gad you're up on your foreign languages, Robin. They come in handy when fighting crime".

But it all leads inexorably to the exquisite set of traps set by the sexy, clever Catwoman, whose witty puns and classical allusions (she mentions Damon and Pythias) show her to be a cut above lesser villains.


Better Luck Next Time

"Pets are a responsibility!"

It actually looks, in the scene with Batman at least, that this is no stock footage and Adam West was acting with a real tiger. I don't know whether to be impressed, alarmed or both. But this whole early segment where the Dynamic Duo are subjected to feline deathtraps is enormous fun. So is the fact that Catwoman says "TTFN"; apparently this was actually a thing in 1966. So, indeed, is the fact that Robin's reaction to being covered in catnip and gradually lowered into a pit containing two hungry tigers  is "Catwoman, you are not a nice person."

We end with Catwoman pursued by the Dynamic Duo and their gadgets as, having betrayed her underlings, she finds some buried treasure- only to plunge to her apparent doom purely because of greed. We don't see a body, naturally.

That was magnificent. This Catwoman is sexy but fiendishly clever with it, with not a whiff of the tendency this programme often has to reform its female baddies. This is one of the best stories yet.

Batman: True or False Face & Holy Rat Race

True or False Face

"Candy? Oh, but fresh fruit is so much more healthful."

Er, that's not a word, Batman.

So far every villain we've had has been from the comics, even Zelda if you squint a bit. False Face is no exception, even if he never was any more than a one off comics baddie. He's an odd and slightly rubbish choice. No disrespect to Malachi Throne (or "?" in the credits...), who gamely does his best, but it's impossible to put in a charismatic performance as a bloke who hides behind a silly plastic mask at literally all times. It's a pity; the character gets some great lines and is a great concept, but it was never going to work.

Stephen Kandel is a new writer- you can tell as Robin is suddenly always saying "jiminy". He cerainly likes his set pieces and car chases which leads to a disjointed but constantly entertaining episode which is actually rather good aside from the utter impossibility of Malachi Throne being able to act properly. Indeed, he even gets a more active and cool sidekick than usual in Blaze, a rather kickass character, but she's thee to provide the face of villainy that False Face can't. You can see why he never comes back, despite everyone treating him as another perennial baddie.


Holy Rat Race

"Not only possible, but true!"

"Please! Not that word!"

Finally we get that most traditional of cliffhangers as the Dynamic Duo are tied to the railway track- in was bound to happen sooner or later. The resolution is at once both delightfully silly and actually revevant to the plot as Blaze, who is much cooler than False Face, slowly switches allegiance.

Never mind that False Face's plan to counterfeit loads of money, rob a bank and plant fake money there makes zero sense- the episode quite sensibly keeps moving through a series of entertaining action set pieces which almost stop you from thinking about the plot. But there's only so many times False Face can be caught, escape and be caught again.

Eventually False Face stays caught and police lead him off, never to be seen again. Ah well. Not all villans can work.

Batman: The Joker Goes to School & He Meets His Match, the Grisly Ghoul

The Joker Goes to School

“You... jailhouse lawyer!"

It's an unusual beginning this week, with Lorenzo Semple back on writing duties (yay!) as Batman takes an amusing look at the tropes of the American High School. The school, of which Dick Grayson is of course class president, is called "Woodrow Roosevelt". No doubt Theodore Wilson has a school named after him in Metropolis. Then we have Principal Schoolfield.

The Commissioner at first seems to be oddly jumping to conclusions that the Joker would necessarily be behind school vending machines to dispense money, but that progressive paragon Warden Crichton has just released him from prison. This is, naturally, a plan to introduce the young to the concept of easy money so they'll drop out and join crime gangs. Er, quite. I'm amused to see that, when Dick suggests this, he's reminded that he's the ward of a millionaire.

It's a fun episode featuring, among other things, a jukebox robbing a bar and a silly showoff stunt by the Joker to provide an alibi. And things get very interesting when Dick's fellow school council member Susie is revealed to be in league with the Joker's gang.

We have amusing scenes with Dick being at school- Batman first visits the Commissioner alone, so they can't quite begin the episode with the usual stock footage. And it's fun seeing Batman and Dick pretending, not very well, that they don't know each other.

What's this, though? Notorious do-gooder Batman telling Dick to fake a headache and skive off school? Tut tut. I for one am appalled.


He Meets His Match, the Grisly Ghoul

“This life at best is one long, impractical joke..."

It may seem a cheat to resolve the electrocution fruit machine cliffhanger with a power cut. But, to be fair, it was foreshadowed in dialogue in last episode. It's also a certain topical reference to the contemporary power outages in New York. So fair play.

Batman is less than entirely feminist when he discovers Susie's connection to the Joker, suggesting to a shocked Robin that "It's an old story, I'm afraid. As old as Eve and the apple". Yes, Susie is a woman, and therefore biddable with trinkets. Well then. Very slight feminism fail there, but even in 1966 I suspect a raised eyebrow would be prudent here.

There's more fun as Dick tries to come across as a ne'er-do-well by putting on a leather jacket- after all, only delinquents and ruffians ever wear those. And it's also highly amusing when his story is spoiled by his being an obvious non-smoker. Almost as amusing as the revelation that Woodrow Roosevelt's basket ball are to pay "Disco Tech".

Less amusing is the suggestion that the Joker may have callously poisoned poor Susie dead with fake perfume when it became clear she'd been rumbled. This is where we see beyond the chuckling but essentially harmless thief to a potential nihilistic killer behind the facade- the Joker's indifferent reaction to her "death" is positively chilling. This has elevated the Joker for me, in his second appearance. Cesar Romero (and his moustache) has never failed to impress, but here we begin to see dark depths. 

A splendid two parter, then, a cut above the Joker's debut. So, next week, False Face...

Batman: The Thirteenth Hat & Batman Stands Pat

The Thirteenth Hat

“There’s been a kidnapping. And a hatnapping...”

Another episode and another new villain in Jervis Tetch, aka the Mad Hatter, played with splendidly camp aplomb by David Wayne. It’s instructive how all the villains so far, including Zelda (albeit with a gender swap) have been taken from the comics and this story is straight from an issue a few years previous. It may be 1966, and John F Kennedy may have supposedly caused the rapid fall of headgear from men’s fashion, but that needn’t get in the way of a good story- so Tetch can steal all the hats of the jurors who last convicted him. And their owners. And I love how everyone always refers to the hats being stolen before adding the owners as an afterthought.

Everything about this is awesome, up to and including David Wayne’s mannered pronunciation of “hat factory”. And even the rubbishness of this supposed death trap for Batman, in reality rather flimsy, just adds to the considerable fun. How can an episode consisting mainly of people being zapped by a Super Instant Mesmeriser pipping our of a top hat be anything but awesome? Even the extras are funny little characters, from the bimbo to the snobbish old lady insisting that “the communists” have something to do with this.

I suppose the cliffhanger could be better- quick drying plaster of Paris? But this is a splendid way to spend twenty-five minutes.


Batman Stands Pat

“I simply held my breath!”

Gaze upon the five words immediately above. Because they comprise Batman’s only explanation for how he survived being stuck in plaster of Paris for minutes on end. This made me laugh out loud, and from now on this episode can do no wrong.

The Caped Crusadets have had a bit of a rubbish detective week but finally work out what going on, coming up with a plan which even gives Alfred a bit of a fun comedy scene with another funny little character destined to be Tetch’s last victim. Batman seems almost manic in his determination to have the Mad Hatter “hoist on to his own petard”.

The concluding fight is one of the most well-choreographed we’ve seen, and more than usually entertaining. This has been one of the best two parters so far, and I’m hugely looking forward to seeing the Mad Hatter again- so far, only Zelda and the Riddler have been better.

Doctor Who: Praxeus

“That’s why you smell of dead bird!”

That was rather good. Not, perhaps, up there with last week or Spyfall, but at last this season has given us a story of the week that is more than “quite good”. This was a solid tale, and not only because it looked amazing- well shot and looking far more e pensive than it actually was.

I’m reminded of The Enemy of the World in how this story flits from location to location- in this case Chile, Hong Kong and Madagascar- in a story that can feel somewhat bewildering. Perhaps the story struggled to squeeze everything into its running time but I’m nevertheless impressed with how the supporting cast were well fleshed out, the Doctor gets to be extremely Doctorish, the regular cast are all given lots to do while being shown to be awesome, and the story is actually about something- the scary amounts of microplastics we are releasing into our world.

The plot is rather daring, beginning with the TARDIS crew split up on various missions and allowing the TARDIS itself to link the various strands. Yet this allows each regular character to have a little development- especially the arguably neglected Yas- and shows how far each of them has come since they started travelling with the Doctor. We get to see an international and pleasingly diverse cast. We even get a sympathetic and three dimensional same sex relationship where, at the last moment, the more three dimensional of the two narrowly escapees a heroic yet cliched death. Phew.

Also, it’s interesting to have the baddie be a deadly alien pathogen for once, and for the sentient alien antagonist to be using humans as lab rats in a desperate attempt to find a cure. As stories of the week go this feels new, experimental, expanding what Doctor Who can do rather than fitting into an established story type like “celebrity historical” or “base under siege”. No, this may not end up as one of my all time favourites, but it’s well conceived, well scripted and well made. At last the stories of the week this season give us something impressive that’s more than “quite good”. And, after last week, it’s good to be reminded that you don’t need loads of continuity to redefine what this programme can be capable of.

Mudhoney: Superfuzz Bigmuff (1988) and Early Singles (1990)

This is, and probably always be, my favourite EP of all times.

If I were ever to go on Mastermind, my specialist subject would be a toss-up between Doctor Who and the Seattle Grunge scene of the late ‘80s and early ‘90s. We should remember that the word “Grunge” was coined not from within the scene themselves but by the British music magazine Sounds, and originally covered a wider range of American sludgy guitar bands from places as far apart as Oregon, Texas and Massachusetts, but it has stuck as a synonym for the scene based around Seattle and it’s signifiers- the sludgy guitars, the lumberjack shirts, the Jack Endino production, even the Charles Peterson photos.

Not all bands quite fit the template but, for me, this EP (and early singles) by Mudhoney is where peak Grunge is reached. Absolutely no songs ever written will ever sound as Grunge as these, with Steve Turner’s guitars the sludgiest ever and Mark Arm’s voice sounding absolutely like the voice of a whole scene. And it’s an awesome sound that evokes so much for me. The songs are awesome- “Need”, “Mudride” and of course “Touch Me I’m Sick” will never get old.

Quite rightly, Mudhoney would never again sound quite like they did in these months of ‘88 and ‘89. But, for a while, they were right at the centre of everything.

Brexit

So we lost. We are now exiled from the European Union. I personally, plus my wife and innocent daughter, have been robbed, by thieves, of our EU citizenship. We never consented to this.

There's no denying that the balloon has been punctured and will slowly deflate. Britain will become less prosperous and less stable over the next few years, not with a bang but with a whimper.

And yet I do not despair. We must play the long game, like the cunt Farage, but we have right, the young, and reality on our side. We will be back where we belong. And, although I never supported the euro- as far as I’m concerned, for it to make sense as a currency there would need to be far more integration than there was in 1999, and promises to be in 2020. But, if adopting the euro is the price for ending our exile, so be it. I’m certain that my pension will be paid in euros.

Long live the EU. In saying that, I speak for all British patriots. And hopefully Farage can have the desperate poverty he so richly deserves now without the Brussels gravy train. We can but hope.

Terminator Genisys (2015)

"Bite me!"

"That is a very immature response."

Ok, I started off resenting this film for its retconning earlier films, some of which I liked, and for Jason Clarke not being great as the future John Connor. And the first ten or fifteen minutes are seemingly just a version of the first film, as amended by its events:the beginning of the film hardly impresses. And yet it wins me over. Hugely.

Why? Simply put, it wears its timey-wimeyness lightly and has fun ith it and, most importantly, it has heart. And that's not something one would necessarily expect of a Terminator film.

The film starts to turn around as soon as the leather jacketed Arnie turns up,,, and kills his naked future doppelganger sent by Skynet. And we get a witty script where Arnie ("Pops") gets to insist that he is "old, not obsolete"- a delightful touch. And I love how Kyle Reese is sent back in  time to a 1984 which has already been changed by a Terminator being sent to kill Sarah Connor eleven years earlier. Interestingly, we never do get told who sent "pops" back.

Wonderfully, there's a constant theme of the helpless fatalism of living on  set path in a future that's already been written versus living in an unwritten future- and we get a happy ending, where Sarah and Kyle get to live and be happy together, and yet Sarah still has a kick-ass metal dad who will literally murder Kyle if he hurts her. As a father of a daughter, I find this the happiest possible ending. plus, we get a (bizarrely) American accented Matt Smith (credited as "Matthew") as Skynet. Best Terminator film since 1991, despite the cheeky recon.