Red Sonja (1985)

"Falkon, may I give you a word of advice? Put him over your knee and beat some manners into him!"

I was expecting to enjoy this film no matter what; I'm rather fond of a bit of sword and sorcery hokum, as regular readers will have noticed. I was expecting something rather similar to Conan the Barbarian, except perhaps with more lines for Arnold Schwarzenegger, this having been made after The Terminator. Instead, I found a film which was really rather brilliant.

I love Conan, but it's a cheesy film. This isn't, deep down. The script (co-written by George MacDonald Fraser of Flashman fame, no less) is much more coherent and clever, and uses the tropes of the genre in ways which are quite witty. Yes, the performances are not exactly the sort of thing you'd see at the RSC, but they're what the film needs. None of the characterisations are particularly deep, but they don't need to be.

I don't know much of the original Red Sonja, but she seems to have been a comic book creation of Roy Thomas and Barry-Windsor Smith, loosely based on a similarly named character in a short story by Robert E. Howard, who is credited here. That's interesting; I'm well aware of Roy Thomas through his many runs on many titles for Marvel, and he's always struck me as a good writer, occasionally a very good one, but essentially a writer of high quality fan fiction who prefers to play with other people's worlds and characters rather than create his own. I have no idea whatsoever if any of that applies here; the few Conan short stories by Howard that I've recently started reading are not really reflected by the 1982 film, but it works, I think, as an example of its genre. I'm going to treat this film the same, as an example of 1980s sword and sorcery cinema, without attempting to judge it in relation to the source material.

There's only one moment during the film that I found unintentionally amusing; the bridge of bones. The impressive matte painting in long shot becomes a rather less impressive model in medium shot. But I'm being picky, really. Yes, you can see the joins a bit, but it works, I think, in the terms of its time. And the visuals are often fantastic- I particularly like Tutte Lemkow's wizard with his colourful potions and psychedelic scrying thing. Magic gets presented as something really quite druggy, which works nicely. The fights are all very well choreographed, too. And I really liked the beheadings.

Brigitte Nielson gives a performance which is really rather functional (in fact, Arnie out-acts her, which is saying something!) but she's as good as she needs to be, playing a character who wants to save the world and seek revenge against the dastardly Queen Gedren, who murdered her entire family after Sonja spurned her Sapphic advances. I suppose one might raise an eyebrow at the fact that the baddie is not only gay but that the whole vendetta essentially starts with a bit of Sapphism, but I think that would be a little harsh. After all, Gedren is as camp as a row of tents.

We first meet Sonja being trained as a warrior so she can seek revenge, an obvious parallel with Conan. It's interesting, and ambiguous, how she rejects the advances of men, and seems rather wary of them, swearing only to love a man if he can vanquish her in combat. There's all sort of stuff going on here, if you happen to be both dirty-minded and pretentious like myself. After all, a sword is a phallic symbol, so Sonja has trained herself to gain total mastery over a symbolic penis. Perhaps this indicates a simple desire to be in control. Perhaps it indicates a fear of the penis, and a desire to control that fear. Perhaps it indicates both. People are complicated.

Similarly, Sonja is a fiercely independent woman, very resistant to receiving any help from men. As she very clearly insists to Kalidor. Yet on the other hand she will yield to a man who defeats her in combat, which could be interpreted as a desire for a strong man. One could argue that this is rather misogynistic- after all, the script is by men, as they so often are, and one of those men is the author of Flashman. I don't think we can necessarily assume that, though. Sonja is clearly presented as a strong woman, who takes charge of her own destiny and is clearly the central character. (The main McGuffin can only be destroyed by a woman, after all.) It's just that people are complicated, and being strong doesn't necessarily mean being alone and sexless.

Anyway, I love the swordfight between Sonja and Kalidor, which continues until they're both really exhausted. At first I thought I was watching a metaphor for foreplay, but then, as it went on and on, I realised that it was a metaphor for really, really good sex. With her on top, naturally.

So, getting back to less dirty-minded matters, I liked the film, basically. The film started off threatening to be very silly; what could possibly be more Monty Python than yellow text in a fancy font rolling up the screen to a backdrop of hills? But in the end it was only moderately silly, with a great little comedy double act in the young, arrogant Prince, with his fondness for occasional bullock-kicking, and the humble chubster Falkon. The film has a good script, looks good, and is as well-acted as it needs to be.

Doctor Who: The Myth Makers

Temple of Secrets

"Oh, but you have killed this poor fellow!"

"Yes, but in your name!"


It's clear from the start that we're in for a treat as the dialogue between Achilles and Hector is very funny indeed, as is the dialogue for the entire story. Odysseus is also great, cynical yet likeable, and a very contemporary interpretation of the character. I've always thought the comedy style of this episode to have a lot in common with the Beyond the Fringe, satire boom type comedy of the early to mid 60s. The treatment of the Trojan War here is very much the sort of thing I'd expect Pete, Dud and the other two to come up with, and there's no higher praise than that.

Basically, I'm going to spend this entire post gushing.

It's a very cynical yet also very modern view of war and "honour" we get here, with short shrift being given to any conception of war being at all glorious or honourable. Most of the characters are either cowards or fools. Even Menelaus isn't even that bothered about Helen's adultery; "If you must know I was heartily glad to see the back of her."

Already we can see that Hartnell is going to shine, as he always does in these types of stories.

Small Prophet, Quick Return

"Now don't be frightened, child. You shall die when I say so and not a moment before."


The Trojans turn out to be just as entertaining as the Greeks, and Max Adrian is excellent. In fact, the overall quality of the guest cast is exceptional throughout the story.

We "see" Vicki in the TARDIS wardrobe room- it's first "appearance". Oh, for some actual footage! And not for the first time, Vicki doesn't leave the TARDIS until some way into episode two.

The scene where Odysseus interrogates the Doctor and Steven is actually quite clever. For a start, he actually believes them when they tell him they're time travellers, both confounding our expectations and leaving us in no doubt that he's an extremely clever man underneath the cynicism. And although we already know what Odysseus' condition is going to be, and the plan the Doctor's going to inevitably come up with, the script milks our foreknowledge for maximum comic effect.

The scenes in Troy also sparkle, with the relationships between Priam, Paris and Cassandra being sketched out very economically through dialogue which also happens to be extremely witty: "You get back to the war. If you've not killed Achilles by nightfall I shall be seriously displeased". Priam's summing up of Cassandra, as having to predict the worst at all times as a sort of insurance policy to give her the "I told you so" factor at all times, is at the same time witty, accurate and dripping with dramatic irony.

The ensuing scene, with Paris very quietly shouting for Achilles and having to fight Steven is my favourite part of the story: "Well, I say, this sort of thing id just not done. Surely you'd rather die than be taken prisoner?"

A very effective cliffhanger, made all the more so by a very alarming title for the next episode.

Death of a Spy

"Woe to the House of Priam! Woe to the Trojans!"

"I think it's a bit late to say 'whoa' to the horse..."


Frances White is great as Casssandra, playing the character absolutely straight and being all the funnier for it. You can see why the Trojans pay her no attention.

It's nice to see the budding relationship between Vicki and Troilus getting some prior development, although it never quite seems convincing. There's nothing wrong with the way it's written or performed here, but it would have been nice to have some foreshadowing in earlier stories of Vicki's imminent departure.

Interesting line for a family show: "Upon my soul, you're making me as nervous as a Baccante at her first orgy"!

Horse of Destruction

"To be a prisoner of war is considered very bad form."


Katarina, rather surprisingly, only appears for the first time at the start of this episode.

I really have to praise the latest Loose Cannon recon here- not only are there lots of nice little touches (Frances White is shown with the hairstyle she presumably had in this story rather than I Clavdivs, no doubt through some technical jiggery-pokery) but there's a lot of moving footage, especially with scenes involving the horse in this episode.

There's plenty of wit still on show, but the episode is rather bleak and sombre, all the more so for being understated. The handling of Vicki's departure is interesting; we're not made privy to her final chat with the Doctor inside the TARDIS. Vicki's leaving everything behind to be with a bloke she's just met, from the 12th century BC, who thinks she's betrayed him, but the scene with Vicki and Troilus somehow works, and dammit, I cried. I'm sure Troilus and Cressida will be happy ever after, in no way eventually meeting a tragic fate.

Interesting final moments; Katarina's aboard the TARDIS more or less be accident, she's convinced she's going to die soon, and Steven's very badly hurt.


Overall, this is my new favourite story of all time. The dialogue was exquisite, and could almost have been written by Peter Cook. but unlike The Romans, another comedy, if of a very different sort, the regulars were in character and true to themselves throughout. Wonderful. I'd give it a 6/5 if I could.