Hard Target (1993)

 "How does it feel to be hunted?"

Before I go anything further, something has to be said.

That mullet is not acceptable.

There.

Aside from that lamentable lapse, however, John Woo gives us a well shot and solidly scripted action film with excellent set pieces aplenty, the highlight probably being our protagonist literally standing on the saddle of a moving motorcycle as he sprays his limitless supply of bullets at various expendable baddies.

The concept is interesting- shadowy, cynical baddies recruit homeless military veterans for rich paying clients to hunt and kill, with Jean-Claude Van Damme's Chance getting mixed up in it all. The setting- New Orleans and the surrounding bayou- also adds a lot of flavour. And, while this is hardly a film oozing with subtext, there's a nice bit of commentary on how we ignore and dehumanise homeless people.

Van Damme, shall we say, is probably never going to win an Oscar, decent though he is, although he can certainly kick. But the film lives and breathes by its hugely charismatic baddie, with the superb Lance Henriksen chewing the scenery in the best possible way. His performance is a real highlight.

But, well, the whole thing is just so fun and entertaining, especially the last third of the film,in the bayou, as the final hunt plays out. Yes, Chance and his friends have absurd quantities of plot armour. Yes, Chance shoots a truly absurd quantity of anonymous henchmen with a single shot. But...isn't that part of the fun?

Go on. Switch your brain off and give it a go. You know you want to.

Cyborg (1989)

“I like the misery!”

 The hero of this glorious late '80s Cannon Films, er, , played by the esteemed M. Van Damme himself, is called Gibson Rickenbacker. The baddie is called Fender. Really. That is a thing that happened.

The film is a hugely entertaining time capsule from the late '80s heyday of Cannon films, written in order to make use of sets made for a Masters of the Universe sequel and a Spider-Man film, neither of which would ultimately materialise. It's 1989, so we have a post-apocalyptic, post-plague and vaguely gothy future, no doubt influenced by those Mad Max sequels I haven't seen yet. The delightfully scenery-chewing B-movie baddie wears shades, for that is the zeitgeist, and there's a cyborg lady who's vaguely relevant to the plot, because everybody's read Neuromancer. If only there were some mention of cyberspace we'd have reached peak late '80s sci-fi zeitgeist in B-movie form. I mean, the baddies are called the Flesh Pirates. What's not to love about that?

Anyway, this is an entertaining and visually impressive little melodrama, with a gruff, post-apocalyptic who is persuaded by, you guessed it, an attractive young lady to stop just brooding about revenge and actually save the world for once. There are some rather good set pieces, including a crucifixion, no less. And the film dosn't outstay its welcome. The music is trying very hard to be Vangelis, just to borrow a bit of Blade Runner street cred, but is actually surprisingly good, even if the visuals do seem to cry out for something much gothier- Sisters of Mercy perhaps?

Anyway, a delightfully silly load of old tosh that I enjoyed muchly. Highly recommended to those, like myself, who enjoy this sort of thing.

Street Fighter (1994)

"I hoped to meet Guile face-to-face on the battlefield, where we could engage each other in unarmed combat. Then I would snap his spine. But why? Why do they still call me a warlord? And mad? All I want to do is to create the perfect genetic soldier. Not for power, not for evil, but for good. Carlos Blanka shall be the first of many who shall march out of my laboratory and crush every adversary, every creed, every nation, until the world is in the loving grip of the Pax Bisonica. And peace will reign and all humanity shall bow to me in humble gratitude."

Once upon a time there was a game called Street Fighter. It was rubbish, and sank without trace. But then it begat a sequel called Street Fighter 2, which became very popular. And this in turn begat a rather rubbish film, which is about to receive something of a critical spanking. Thing is, though, the film couldn't be called Street Fighter 2, after the game, as it would look as though it was a sequel to a non-existent film. Instead, it had to be named after the original, rather rubbish game. Awkward, eh?

I used to play the arcade version of Street Fighter 2 quite a lot as a teenager, in Upper Castle Street in Hinckley town centre circa 1992. I was rubbish. I always played Dhalsim, as the character requiring the least skill to play, and got whupped on a regular basis. So this film has a bit of a nostalgic pull for me, especially as all the characters from the game appear in the film. Initial impressions were that the film seemed likely to be rubbish, but then I was reassured by the presence of noted thespian Jean-Claude Van Damme, a performer of subtlety and grace, so cruelly overlooked by the Academy for so many years.

And yet, in spite of the peerless performance of this all-time great of the acting profession, the film is, not to put too fine a point on it, a pile of steaming cack. And, as such, I recommend it hugely. Don't make the mistake I made, though: this is not a film to watch sober, or alone. Alcohol is essential.

The glorious awfulness of this film just can't be exaggerated. It's a melodrama in the purest sense, with Raul Julia putting in a superb scenery-chewing performance as the wonderfully villainous M. Bison. Basically, he's Dr. Evil, and possibly the most fun character to play in all of cinema history. Most of the rest of the cast are quite obscure actors, although it's fun to spot all the characters from the game as they appear. No less a figure than Simon Callow appears as an officious type, causing a hilariously over-the-top from Van Damme as Colonel William F. Guile, a US marine with a suspiciously Belgian accent. Kylie Minogue is…. good to look at.

The plot is pure hokum involving a ransom demand and much twirling of moustaches, pointless violence and all the things you'd expect, but it's nice to see so many gladiatorial style one-on-one combats, reflecting the game, and all of the characters get a little glory except Dhalsim, my favourite, who doesn't even seem to have his cool Mr. Fantastic-style powers.

The most eye-goggling thing about the whole film is the series of bad jokes recited over the closing credits, and the post-credits scene basically reveals that M. Bison has Windows '95. But the thing as a whole is a very silly and hugely entertaining pile of crap. Much recommended.