Captain America (1990)

“This time we’ll have it made in Japan.”

Let's make no bones about this film, before I start to ironically praise it: there's no question that it's shite.

Its sins are many. Yes, films often change the mythology from the comics, but making the Red Skull Italian and not particularly Nazi means you haven't really got the |Red Skull... and then they remove the actual, er, red skull bit of him for the present day sequences. Matt Salinger has zero charisma or talent, and spends the first half of the film running away or being nervous. It's all plot with no characterisation- we're given  no reason to like these characters.

Comparing this with the 2011 MCU film would be a  cheap shot but, well, why not show us Steve in 1943 (why this pointless change?), telling a mate how desperate he is to serve his country, rather than having random characters blatantly exposit? Why not show Steve and Bernie as a couple before their embarrassingly awkward parting? Let's not pretend this film is at all adequate.

And yet... this film is by an offshoot of Cannon (it's complicated), by the same director as Cyborg, and has a perverse B movie charm, amusingly of its time in so many way. It's bad, of course, but entertainingly so. The Italian locations are pointless but beautiful. So yes, this film is rubbish, but perhaps more enjoyably so than its execrable reputation may imply.

Cyborg (1989)

“I like the misery!”

 The hero of this glorious late '80s Cannon Films, er, , played by the esteemed M. Van Damme himself, is called Gibson Rickenbacker. The baddie is called Fender. Really. That is a thing that happened.

The film is a hugely entertaining time capsule from the late '80s heyday of Cannon films, written in order to make use of sets made for a Masters of the Universe sequel and a Spider-Man film, neither of which would ultimately materialise. It's 1989, so we have a post-apocalyptic, post-plague and vaguely gothy future, no doubt influenced by those Mad Max sequels I haven't seen yet. The delightfully scenery-chewing B-movie baddie wears shades, for that is the zeitgeist, and there's a cyborg lady who's vaguely relevant to the plot, because everybody's read Neuromancer. If only there were some mention of cyberspace we'd have reached peak late '80s sci-fi zeitgeist in B-movie form. I mean, the baddies are called the Flesh Pirates. What's not to love about that?

Anyway, this is an entertaining and visually impressive little melodrama, with a gruff, post-apocalyptic who is persuaded by, you guessed it, an attractive young lady to stop just brooding about revenge and actually save the world for once. There are some rather good set pieces, including a crucifixion, no less. And the film dosn't outstay its welcome. The music is trying very hard to be Vangelis, just to borrow a bit of Blade Runner street cred, but is actually surprisingly good, even if the visuals do seem to cry out for something much gothier- Sisters of Mercy perhaps?

Anyway, a delightfully silly load of old tosh that I enjoyed muchly. Highly recommended to those, like myself, who enjoy this sort of thing.