The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Fit the Fifth

 "The first ten million years were the worst, and the second ten million years, they were the worst too. The third ten million years I didn't enjoy at all. After that I went into a bit of a decline."

Although I have, naturally, experienced the events of this episode repeatedly, and in multiple media, it is nonetheless fresher to me than the preceding four episodes, and the ideas are, of course, as awesome as anything that comes from the mind of Douglas Adams.

We have a rock star, spending a year dead for tax reasons, whose over-the-top gigs illustrate precisely why the galaxy so urgently needs punk. We have Colin Jeavons, whom I tend to think of as Lestrade from the Granada Sherlock Holmes, as a splendidly over-the-top compere. We even have an utterly unrecogniseable Peter Davison as the Dish of the Day, which longs to be eaten.

But Marvin is, as ever, the best bit. This is wonderful stuff.

The Master Blackmailer (1992 TV Film)

 "Give us a kiss."

"I don't know how..."

It is hardly novel to make the assertion that is an overly padded out version of Charles Augustus Milverton, a rather anonymous Doyle short story. Nor is is original to point out that it is directed in a pointlessly and pretentiously artistic manner, something wich has occasionally threaened to happen before but it is here that the line is crossed. Indeed, the film seems to break the fourth wall to concede both of these points in a scene where Holmes and Watson visit some snakes at a zoo or some such place for the sole seeming purpose of comparing them to Milverton as an overly laboured and clumsy metaphor. Even Watson asks Holmes whether they really have nothing better to do.

And yet, if only one film-length episode is to be made in 1992, this story is as good a choice as any. There are two full novels by Conan Doyle yet to be adapted, yes, but both A Study in Scarlet (assuming we ignore the fact it is the story where Holmes and Watson meet, something made impossible by the ages of the actors) and The Valley of Fear feature extended flashbacks in the United States, which would be problematic for many reasons.

Indeed, if we acccept that The Master Blackmailer has its obvious flaws, there are good things to be found here. This is a broadly faithful, albeit embellished, adaptation, and the excellence we typically expect from both Brett and Hardwicke is joined by a deliciously slimy performance from the great Robert Hardy as Milverton. The film also delves more deeply into Holmes' morally dodgy behaviour in becoming engaged to Milverton's maid, who genuinely likes him, while posing as a plumber. This is bastardly behaviour, and the film makes this clear in a way the short story does not.

On the other hand, the fact that Milverton's chief victims are two aristocratic engaged coulples is shown near the beginning by an absurd scene of them all cavorting in the garden of a stately home which reminded me of the late Monty Python "anyone for tennis" sketch.

In short, this is a flawed piece of work, and the criticisms often made of it are fair. And yet there are good things ro find in here too, and it could likely have been edited into a decent sixty minute drama. I wonder if the two films to follow will fare as well. I shall do them as quickly as I can but ther length will restrict when I can blog them.

Oh, and it seems this episode, and not the last one, is Lestrade's last. Oops.

The Case-Book of Sherlock Holmes: The Creeping Man

 "Always carry a firearm east of Aldgate, Watson."

Oh dear. It has to be emphasised that Granada can hardly be blamed for the fact that this is one of Conan Doyle's less well-regarded short stories (Nicholas Meyer goes so far as to have Watson describe it as fake "drivel" in his excellent novel The Seven-Per-Cent Solution), but they chose to adapt it where many other options were available- and this is a tale about a professor who chooses to inject himself with the essence of a primate in order to rejuvenate him ahead of a marriage to a girl about a third of his age.

Worse, the adaptation- while generally well-made and written- chooses to lean into the sci-fi silliness of its premise by adding a subplot of primates stolen from zoos, and features both a man in a gorilla suit, which makes one wince to see, and Charles Kay in a tree whooping like a gorilla. It's embarrassing to watch, and Watson's instincts at he beginning of the episode are quite correct..

There are redeeming features in pretty much everything other than the above. Brett and Hardwicke are never less than superb, and Charles Kay is excellent as the Professor, undignified though his final scene may be. The script, quite rightly, emphasises the ickiness of the Professor's  proposed marriage to a girl he calls "my dear child". It's also good to see Colin Jeavons for the last time as probably the definitive Lestrade. Nevertheess, this episode is hardly the series' finest hour.

The Return of Sherlock Holmes: The Six Napoleons

 "Watson! This is no time for humbugs!"

This is an interesting choice of episode for a season finale- the short story by Conan Doyle, I recall, works rather well as a detective story with the twist being particularly effective. While there are plenty of twists and turns here, and the episode functions rather well as a mystery, there is a lot more going on here.

The structure, as is sometimes the case, is a little odd, with a lengthy series of opening scenes, with all dialogue entirely in unsubtitled Italian leading us, like Lestrade, to suspect that these stereotypically excitable Italians (including one Marina Sirtis) have some connection to the Mafia- after all we, unlike Lestrade, have probably seen The Godfather, and there's some clever misdirection in getting us to think of Senor Venucci as a kind of Don Corleoni figure.

But I think there's something else going on. All these excitable characters, wearing their emotions on their sleeves, are intended as a contrast with Holmes. For this is a superb episode for examining Holmes as a human being, and Jeremy Brett gets to act his talented little socks off.

The friendship between Holmes and Watson on one side, and Lestrade on the other, is superbly captured. There's a real rivalry, yes, but also a mutual affection, although of course one that can never be stated. The dialogue, the looks, Lestrade's tolerance for Holmes' quirks, all are superbly written, acted and directed. And that final scene, where Holmes awkwardly accepts Lestrade's fulsome praise, hints at the obvious supposition that Holmes may not be entirely neurotypical, without being reductive about it. Simply superb.

The Return of Sherlock Holmes- The Second Stain

 "The motives of women are so inscrutable..."

This, again is a very strong episode- again adapted from a particularly strong Conan Doye short story, althogh yet again one in which the "rules" of detective fiction, which had yet to be drawn up when Conan Doyle was writing, 

Brett is wonderful, as ever, imbuing far more character into Holmes than Conan Doyle's dialogue hints at. I love his leap of joy as the episode ends. It's a strong cast too- a young Patricia Hodge impresses, and Harry Andrews is enormously charismatic as priime minister Lord Bellinger. Is he a fictionalised Lord Salisbury? The short story is set in the Summer or Autumn of 1888, long before The Final Problem. This would be shortly after the accession of Wilhelm II, which would make sense as I think it's clear he is the "foreign potentate" who writes the offending letter.

Such things are piffling, however. This is superb telly. I love so many things- Lestrade's misplaced smugness, making me rather fond of the man; the kerfuffle at the start as the distinguished visitors are expected; the fact that late Victorian London comes alive before our eyes. I'm well aware that sharks will at some point be jumped, but right now it feels as though the series can do no wrong.

The Return of Sherlock Holmes: Series 1- The Empty House

 "Thank you.... Doctor... Watson..."

Well, that was a wholly enjoyable, and somewhat faithful adaptation of The Empty House. It helps, of course, that Edward Hardwicke makes a much more charismatic and believable Watson than the rather flat David Burke. But Jeremy Brett is spellbinding as ever, and the script and production sparkle.

It's an interesting cast, too, featuring a cameo by James Bree giving an extraordinarily mannered performance as the coroner which calls to mind his role as The War Chief in Doctor Who. And Colonel Moran is played superbly by the magnificently voiced Patrick Allen- known to his enemies, and The Black Adder fans, as "The Hawk".

The episode nicely fits in a proper whodunit with Watson- now assisting Lestrade as a police surgeon and making endearing but not always correct attempts at Holmesian deductions: the coroner is, as it happens, correct to chide him for his assumptions. Yet the moment of Holmes' return is wonderful- arsehole though he is for teasing Watson and making hin faint. The explanation of Holmes'survival is both plausible (it contradicts the final shot of The Final Problem but we can, I suppose, see that as Watson's imaginings) and givs a decent reason for why Holmes should have played dead for three years.

This is an extremely strong opener. Yet I'm looking forward to more straight whodunits crammed with character actors.

House of Cards: Episode 4

“DADDY...!”

I’m blogging rather more series than I usually would as the wife and I have started y and Good Omens while I’m also blogging The Prisoner and Inhumans. Time to finish at least one series off.

So, this is the final episode, if we ignore the sequel and, indeed, the American remake which I haven’t seen. It concludes, interestingly, very differently from the novel, with Urquhart successfully reaching the top of the greasiest pole in politics, and we have the fun of seeing him first take out his minor rivals for the leadership and then Woolton (a cassette tape of his affair with Penny- easy) and Samuels (lefty positions in his university day, including, shock horror, “pro-gay sentiments”) in quick succession.

There’s a lot more to it that that, of course. Urquhart’s announcement that he’s standing is swiftly followed by a tastefully shot sex scene in which Mattie shouts “Daddy!”, and he continues to manipulate her throughout, making her all contrite as he tells her off for apparently endangering herself with her investigations. This sort of thing could look like harmless kink in snatcher context but it isn’t- this is disturbing manipulation and gaslighting of a woman with real feelings to exploit, and Urquhart’s monologue to camera on father’s and daughters (I note he has no kids) is incredibly disturbing.

Also dealt on, rightly, is his cunning murder of Roger, full of deft manipulation, and I’m glad Roger’s moving Death is dwelt upon. He was a man of promise, once. Then cocaine happened. And his death leaves poor a Penny absolutely devastated, especially as she’s just dumped him.

But what lingers is his cold-blooded murder of Mattie, mere seconds as she’s told him “I love you, Daddy”. These four episodes are a perfect portrait of a psychopath, one with all the charm such people tend to possess. And Westminster is, I suspect, full of such personalities to this day.

House of Cards: Episode 3

"His deepest need was that people should like him. An admirable trait, that... in a spaniel, or a whore. Not, I think, in a prime minister."

This episode, after we’ve seen the details of the PM’s fall, immediately moves beyond- there’s an emergency Cabinet meeting, introduced with one of Urquhart’s asides to camera, and that’s it; the PM has resigned, and the starting gun has fired on the leadership race- although I believe there’s a constitutional blunder here. Collingridge hasn’t resigned as PM yet, just announced he will be stepping down when the Tories elect a new leader. So why is he going to the Palace?

Still, it’s fun as ever to see the wheel turning. The departing PM, in his final Cabibet meeting, actually thanks Francis for his support. And Francis implicates the viewers into his scheming with our voyeurism- “Not feeling guilty, I hope?”.

Francis is, of course, not yet in a position to run and needs to manipulate others- not least the infatuated Mattie- into “persuading” him. Others are in a less happy position- Charles Coleridge is suicidal, and it’s interesting that we are given a script with the two brothers sobbing, collateral damage in Urquhart’s wake. This is contrasted with Francis kissing Mattie, the camera pulling away and.. well, the next time we see him he exclaims “No! There are some things a gentleman never discussed!” It’s a nice touch.

Francis still needs building up into a plausible candidate and the clock is ticking, as his dinner with newspaper proprietor Ben makes clear. But Francis has influence, manipulating Collingridge into making it a long contest to his own advantage. Meanwhile Mattie continues to investigate the PM’s fall, irritating those in high places, and ends up getting the sack in a remarkably and openly sexist way which, one hopes, would not fly these days. Worse, she gets a nasty shock with a brick through her window and a threatening note, and not even her friend John, well and truly friend-zones, can remove the fear. No; it falls to Francis to “comfort” her. And she calls him “Daddy”...!

This is a superb adaptation, metatextual, clever, and far deeper than the original novel.

House of Cards: Episode 2

"Would you be into quickies at all?"

If this were to be made today, perhaps- and I haven't seen the American remake with Kevin Spacey- there wouldn't be so much attention on ho the sausage was made. We'd likely jump cut straight from his downfall being plotted at the end of last episode to the PM's downfall. But in 1990 telly could be slower paced, at least sometimes. This episode is an example of why that can be a good thing.

In contrast to the twisty-turny plotting of the first episode, we are concerned here pretty much exclusively with the workings of Urquhart's plot to bring down Henry Collingridge and very little else- but it's gripping. And we get the usual fourth wall breaking stuff, with an early monologue by Francis doing a bit of that pheasant shooting stuff that was an unremarked-upon pastime of upper class Tories back then. 1990 was a long time ago, when twentysomething political researchers could plausibly be called Kevin and, as per last episode, there's a fair bit of misogyny directed towards Penny. Urquhart does, at least, criticise Patrick Woolton for being boorish, lecherous, anti-Semitic and racist while manipulating him, although there's more than a whiff of snobbery directed at this north country foreign secretary.

Urquhart's manipulating ways work on everyone, culminating in the PM being cruelly ambushed on telly, yet everyone seems to think he's a "good man". Indeed, Mattie seems to think he's not only the ablest man (and men they all are) in the Cabinet but that he's attractive- and, as we see, he has permission from his wife to sleep with her. Shagging is inevitable at this point.

Like the potboiler on which it's based, this is unputdownable telly. And Ian Richardson is incredible.

House of Cards: Episode 1

"You may think that. I couldn't possibly comment..."

Long before Kevin Spacey was a household name, let alone disgraced, Ian Richardson became a household name through his extraordinarily sinister, fourth wall breaking, insidious performance as Francis Urquhart. I haven't seen this since that late Autumn of 1990 when Thatcher fell, the only prime minister I could remember. This TV adaptation of Michael Dobbs' potboiler of a novel cheekily alludes to her downfall in its opening shot, an early example of the visual wit that made this series a cut above the original novel.

Other differences are that the party in power is explicitly stated to be the Tories, an of course the asides to camera which give the whole thing both its structure and its intimacy. Urquhart is not just our antihero, he is our intimate guide to the dark arts of politics. If Mattie is seduced by his charms then so are we all, even an old Liberal like me.

It's an uncomfortable reminder of my age, though, that I remember lots of things that happened in 1990, but they did things differently then. Here we see casual sexism and homophobia in the corridors of power, MP's actually speaking in the Commons without notes, an all-male cabinet and smoking everywhere.

But the episode insists entirely of skulduggery and plotting, and all from our Chief Whip’s point of view as he manipulates the wet drip of a PM (although I not that Henry Collingridge, a “wet” Tory, is depicted as wet personally too), his cocaine using fixer, the Cabinet and, through Mattie, the press. The relationship with Mattie is interesting: in a sense he’s grooming her, all for his own benefit. We end with a manufactured scandal about to break and the PM set to fall...

The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes: Series 1- The Norwood Builder

"All my instincts are one way and all the facts are the other."

A superb mystery this episode, with Holmes slower on the uptake than usual. It's also the perfect introduction to the perennial Inspector Lestrade, with a battle of wits between them shaping the whole story. The device of having the main suspect for the crime be Holmes' client is a superb one. As is the gradual revelation that the "victim" was not murdered, but simply wanted to have a man hanged just because the man's mother once rejected him.

This one makes you feel clever as a viewer; I admit I may have remembered Conan Doyle's original short story, but I guessed what was going on before Holmes did. Watson, too, plays a genuinely useful investigative role here. And the revelation at the end is truly dramatic and entertaining. I'm genuinely struggling to find a bad episode.

K-9 and Company: A Girl's Best Friend

“Oh Doctor, you didn’t forget!”

Wow. Surely that’s the greatest theme tune / title sequence combo in all of recorded history? Classy, sophisticated, and in no way tacky or dated. Good to see that Sarah (great to see her again!) is a fellow Grauniad reader, although sadly she prefers the white stuff to a nice glass of red.

We have a new writer, Terence Dudley, and as per usual for the marathon I’ll try my best to pretend I’ve never encountered anything of his, before! I haven’t seen K9 and Company before, though, and it’s the last story in the whole marathon to be a first viewing. I have now seen everything. Exciting, innit?

We get a string of clichés to begin with; a coven of stock pagan human-sacrificing bad guys, we know the drill. Unfortunately anyone who’s seen The Wicker Man is going to suspect the whole village of being in on it, so there’s little in the way of surprising plot twists all the way through. So we get such vaguely familiar tropes as a Herne the Hunter figure, a goat, and worship of both Hecate and a Celtic goddess whose name I don’t recall- surely’ different pantheons? And I had to raise an eyebrow at the concept of an entire village practising the “old religion” in 1981…

We finally get to meet Sarah’s Aunt Lavinia. Unfortunately, though, we also get a lot of long, stagy, awkwardly acted drawing room scenes where all the characters seem to be based on Margot and Jeremy from The Good Life.

Still, Sarah’s fab as always, but the story relies rather heavily on her general fabness to carry everything else. This is pure telefantasy by numbers, not very encouraging for what’s supposed to be a pilot.

Oh, and K-9’s in this, isn’t he? Mark 3, so presumably constructed alongside Mark 2 as that seems the only opportunity for it to have happened. We get an interesting exchange between Brendan (surprisingly likeable; a sort of non-annoying Adric) concerning the Doctor: “Who is the Doctor?” “Affirmative.” It’s all gone a bit War Machines.

Overall it’s a bit of a wasted opportunity. A plot which consists of a few well-known tropes working their way through in the predictable fashion, and establishing very little that would sustain a series, what with its very small regular cast and total lack of a direction to go in. 2/5.

Doctor Who: The Underwater Menace

Part One

"I've never seen him go for food like this before- it's usually hats."


Nice to see Jamie getting a proper introduction to the TARDIS, even if it's nothing special. I liked the Robert Burns timey wimey stuff, but a minute in it's clear that the dialogue is being pitched at a much younger audience- the audible thoughts of the characters are like something from Scooby Doo.

The TARDISeers seem surprised their captors speak English- a little awkward continuity-wise in the light of later stories. And unfortunately our heroes spend most of the story in captivity where they can't do a lot- this episode is rather dull, with even the moments of peril feeling half-hearted.

I didn't catch how the Doctor was aware of the presence of Professor Zaroff. But it's alarming how he signs his note "Dr W"- there's been a lot of alluding to the name "Doctor Who" of late, perhaps a bit too much to easily dismiss. Still, as Davros will later say, it will be difficult but it will be done.

So, German mad scientist stereotype, Atlantis under the sea, Polly having an operation to give her gills? Oh dear, this feels like a 1930s movie serial so far, and a particularly half-arsed one at that. I hope things improve...

Part Two

"Just a small question. Why do you want to blow up the world?"


Oh dear, Zaroff's plan is quite absurd. And on top of this Joseph Furst has no charisma in the role. Zaroff is a silly mad scientist stereotype and no more- he's already annoying me and it's only the start of part two.

I think the point at which I learn that survivors from shipwrecks are being converted to fish people is where I give up entirely on taking the story seriously. The thing is, it doesn't even entertain in a so-bad-it's-good way. In fact, the scene with the Doctor suddenly dropping the test tube to release some gas is pretty much the only good bit. We also get another disguise and some more recorder playing- this new Doctor is showing few signs of settling down yet.

Oh dear, the Doctor convinces Rana that Zaroff's a bid dodgy by means of what can only be described as a school science experiment...



Part Three

"Nothing in the world can stop me now!"


Of all the episodes in all the world to be the earliest existing Patrick Troughton episodes it had to be this one! I must admit that visually it's actually quite well done, and by this point I've almost started to enjoy the silliness- Lolem is the campest high priest ever. The long scene with the fish people swimming looks good, although unfortunately it's balanced by the ridiculous scene where the Fish People have to be persuaded to go on strike. let me get this straight: they control the food supply, which cannot be stockpiled, and the idea of going on strike has never before occurred to a single Fish Person?

Another disguise for the Doctor as our heroes suddenly set out to kidnap Zaroff. This story just feels made up as it goes along; there's little structure to the overall story at all. And I'm sure we were all t6otally surprised when Zaroff turned out to be feigning his heart attack.


Part Four

"How do I know he's a wanted man?"

"Well, blimey, look at him. He ain't normal, is he?"


The plot takes another right turn as the Doctor suddenly decides to flood Atlantis. This episode is a mad rush and I have trouble following large swathes of it: I'm not entirely clear on how it can be that most Atlanteans survive to rebuild their civilisation somewhere else (where/).

On a positive note, much of this sounds very expensive as the caverns are gradually flooded, but in a bad story for all three companions Polly's moment near the end where she just seems to give up is a particularly low point in her characterisation.

It's a very odd end for the Atlanteans: we get lines like "No! No more temples" and "A new Atlantis, without gods and without fish people". Apparently all it takes is a casual chat from two members of the ruling elite to entirely do away with the Atlantean religion.

It's nice to see Jamie's successful initiation into TARDISeering alluded to in the final scene, although he seems to have enjoyed his Atlantean jaunt more than I have...




Oh dear. What a mess. Plotless, devoid of decent characterisation for either the gust characters or the regulars and giving me no reason to care about the society itt's depicting, this is the low point so far for me. It says a lot that the best bit of the story is a scene of Fish People swimming about. 1/5.