The Alphabet Murders (1965)

 "A A, eh?"

This is, I believe, by the creative team behind the Miss Marple films starring Margaret Rutherford who, indeed, gets an odd little cameo here. I'm told they're very good films, if apparently not particularly faithful to the novels. I intend to give them a chance. That is, despite the fact that this film is utterly unwatchable.

I'm not at all surprised that Agatha Christie herself loathed this film. It is rather difficult not to. I can't remember the novel (The ABC Murders)- it's been at least thirty years or more since the one and only time I read it. I read many, many of Mrs Christie's works in early puberty but rather went off her by my mid-teens. Still, I've no doubt that this is a far from faithful adaptation, not least because it scarcely pretends to be a whodunit. It is, rather, an embarrassingly unfunny attempt at "comedy".

It's trying to be a farce. A good farce is, of course, a very clever thing indeed. This is not. The cast, from the awful Tony Randall, surely the worst ever Hercule Poirot, with his ever-shifting accent, in one of the most cringeworthy leading roles ever, to a shockingly awful Robert Morley as an unrecognisable Captain Hastings, is either bloody awful or quite sensibly phoning it in for the money as there's no point doing otherwise for a script like this.

We get unfunny "comedy" setvpieces, one after another, and soooo much smoking.We get Anita Ekberg playing, well, the kind of tall blonde unattainable woman she invariably plays. We get a bit of psychological mumbo-jumbo. And we have a very unfunny conclusion in a train. And at no point is any of it remotely entertaining.

Be warned: ninety minutes of your one and only life are far too precious to waste on this drivel.

Gremins 2: The New Batch (1990)

 "I've got rabies, and I'm supposed to get the flu this week."

Oh, I love this film. It is- and I know this is a weird thing to say for a Hollywood sequel-a different level of wit, enjoyment and fun from ther original. fourth wall? you're dead?

Yes, this is a sequel. We have Billy and Kate, moved to New York. We have some very real, surreal and, I suspect, very dated satire of Wall Street and the absurdities of thre reagan era. Reagan was no Trump, but, well, he was stupid. It's all excellent stuff. Poor Mowlgli.

But that barely scratches the surface. The first breath in the fourth wall comes from the mime artists being escorted out of the police van. Then we have, yeah, the Hulk Hogan interview. The fourth wall dies at this point, even after the review of the first movie which has hilarious consequences. It's sad to see the great Christopher Lee in a character part, but he's superb.

The knowing wit is hilarious throghout. This cannot, sutely, have been written by committee. Halleluljah. And I can't even begin to touch on the satire. This is the Reagan era. Corporate culture was insane.

There's so much to talk about. The old man- Kato in the old Green Hornet movie serials- dues. Poor Gizmo is bullied. So is Billy, unappreciated at work. The whole satire on 80s corporate excess is exquisite. At one point the lift asks for a car to be removed beause it's cheap and old.

I adore this film. If you don.'t ,then I shall challenge you to a duel. Sith Re Leicrster cheese. Be warned.