Showing posts with label Rutger Hauer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Rutger Hauer. Show all posts

Sunday, 23 January 2022

Ladyhawke (1985)

"Oh God, is it Lent again already?"

I expected this film to be one of those Sword and Sorcery or Tolkien-esque fantasies that abounded in the '80s. Instead I got a rather fun swashbuckler clearly inspired by Abelard and Eloise, bizarre concept though that is.

Here, though, our Abelard is not literally castrated. Instead, we have a family-friendly metaphor. Navarre is cursed, by a jealous, evil, devil-worshipping bishop in mediaeval France, to be a wolf by night, whereas his lover Isabeau is a hawk by day. It's tragic, it's romantic, it's as '80s, somehow, as the ever-present music in this film.

Yet the lovers are not the stars; that would be a very young and very impressive Matthew Broderick, with a sly comic timing and an ability to find chemistry with all ofbthe established stars- Michelle Pfeiffer, Rutger Hauer, Leo McKern- with whom he stars.

It's odd that a film I'd expected to be set on a generic fantasy world should instead prove to be set in a mediaeval France (albeit filmed in Italy) where the inevitable mythology turns out to be Christian and the villain a wayward bishop. This link to real history adds a certain weight, heft and realism, with Philippe introduced as a thief who escapes judicial murder. This helps us to get to know him, via his ever-present monologues with God about his very naughty thievery. Rutger Hauer is also superb, however, as is Rutger Hauer.

A superb film. I'm glad I've seen it at last.

Monday, 6 February 2017

Batman Begins (2005)

"What chance does Gotham have when the good people do nothing?"

Yes, it's odd to see Ra's al-Ghul used in this way, conflated with Henri Ducard from the Blind Justice arc back in '89 and bearing absolutely no relation to the character we know and love to the point that he doesn't even seem to be an Arab; Ken Watanabe's decoy character seems to hail from much farther east. Still, there are hints as to the Lazarus Pit, perhaps. And, more to the point, this is a brilliant film tacking Batman's origins and a triumph for both the fan and the general audience.

Essentially this is because of both David Goyer's perfectly judged script and the always impressive direction of Christopher Nolan; Christian Bale is a perfectly good Batman, although no more than that, and the film is very well cast indeed, with Michael Caine being a particular master stroke. Still, were I an American I'd probably raise an eyebrow at the suspiciously high number of Brits in this film based on an iconic American character and directed by a Brit; I'm surprised this isn't more often commented on. It would be a reasonable objection in my British eyes. Still, Gary Oldman is the perfect Jim Gordon.

I can't fault the film though. Cillian Murphy's Scarecrow is chilling and brilliant, with that mask and some splendidly trippy direction making a hugely effective villain. And the time and thought given to Batman's origins is clear; it is both faithful and innovative, with a focus on Bruce's relationship with his philanthropist father and his childhood sweetheart Rachel Dawes, a new character. This, as well as the more jovially sarcastic edge to Alfred, works very well indeed. The theme of fear is developed throughout, with the figures of Ra's, the Scarecrow and Batman reflecting different uses of it, for good or ill. And I like the way Batman's moral scruples against killing are contrasted against the gang 'em flog 'em stupidity of Ra's and his gang, the Daily Express of terrorist organisations.

Yes, there's also a fair bit from Batman: Year One, but that's no bad thing; it's nice to see Colin McFarlane as Commissioner Loeb. And, on the subject of actors, we even get an appearance by the great Shane Rimmer! This is a long film, yes, but a dense one, with a lot going on from the evolving relationship between Bruce and Rachel to Bruce's takeover of Wayne Enterprises. It's one of the finest superhero film ever and almost (but not quite) makes me rethink my opinion that superhero films should eschew origin stories.

Friday, 26 August 2016

True Blood: May Be the Last Time

"You're gonna die tonight."

Death stalks this episode. Bill is dying, obviously, but Sarah Newlin is being pursued by those who wish her dead, and hallucinating about her imminent death. And the episode begins with her sister Amber, after a change of heart about "Noomi", dying at Eric's hands after revealing that Sarah is the cure for Hep V. Gus isn't happy.

Meanwhile, Andy and Holly desperately search for their missing children, who may also soon be killed. But no; Violet has taken them to a well-equipped boudoir where they can have sex amongst crops, nipple clamps and assorted dildos. It really is awfully thoughtful of her. The two teens are, needless to say, overwhelmed.

Arlene, meanwhile, having had his blood, is having erotic dreams about sex concluding with sex on the pool table. Sarah seems safe for now as, in a nice bit of satire, Gus doesn't want to use her synthesised blood to find a cure for Hep V, but to create a product that people need to take for the rest of their lives. It's all about profit. And Eric has a 49% stake.

We get a sweet flashback from 1855; Bill is told by his dying father to marry Caroline, the girl next door whom he has never met, in order to acquire her land so his mother will not starve. Such was life. But their initial meeting is sweet, and they end up finding happiness. For a while. That's all we can hope for in this transitory life.

Sookie deals with an unhelpful cameo appearance by Ritger Hauer as Niall as Sam has a nice chat with Arlene about Nicole's ultimatum. And, rather sweetly, Keith wants to be with Arlene even though she's Hep V positive and they can't have sex. 

We and with Adilyn and Wade tied up and in danger, while Sookie and Bill make love for the first time in ages. Extraordinary, as always this season.

Sunday, 31 July 2016

True Blood: Radioactive

"You guys are the worst fucking makers ever!"

It didn't look like there was a lot for a season finale to do. There was, in the end, but it's nice to have a finale with room to breathe and not needing to move at too fast a pace.

The main point here, of course, is that Warlow is an entitled and abusive man and always was if you were paying attention; his superficial charm is textbook abuser. So he needs to get his comeuppance. It's also interesting to see the contrast offered between the essentially BDSM relationship between Violet and Jason: she "owns" him, and makes him pleasure her daily while denying him release, but it's consensual. Ish. Warlow is just an abusive twat.

Also, we hear the welcome tones of the Breeders' "Cannonball", Bill is back to normal and, ironically, Adilyn is needed to transport everyone to faerie and defeat Warlow. There is much fighting and, at a fairly early point, the goodies win, Warlow is killed and the episode can now do other stuff.

There is a fascinating arrangement proposed for Bon Temps, proposed by Sam, to "pair" each resident with a vampire for protection in return for feeding. It's moving to see Jessica offering to protect Adilyn for nothing. It's also moving to see Tara's no good mother offering to feed her.

We end a surprisingly reflective episode, in a season that started rather rubbishy but ended up ok overall, with Sookie and Bill still estranged and, naturally, marauding vampires...

Wednesday, 27 July 2016

True Blood: At Last

"You deserve to be one of us..."

We get the shocking reveal at the start that Ben, a half-fairy, is also a vampire, as he immediately uses his own blood to heal Jason. It seems a hybrid such as himself can walk freely in the Sun. There's more exposition as Nora explains, before being shot, that Warlow (this is where it clicked for me that he was Ben, an impressive reveal) is said by the Vampire Bible to be the only person who can kill Lilith.

Meanwhile Andy's fairy daughters are now teenagers, and Eric turns Willa (the first time since Pam that he has done this) both because she impresses him and to torment her father. Sam starts to develop a relationship with Nicole. 

Truman is appalled and heartbroken at what has happened to his daughter; Sarah is just straightforwardly evil. It's clear that she's both the power behind the throne and the true Big Bad. She persuades Truman to send his own daughter to the camp.

Interestingly, Warlow still seems to have purely romantic intentions towards Sookie in spite of being a vampire. But we end with a hungry Jessica, unable to control herself, killing Andy's fairy daughters for their blood. Oops...

This is much better; at last we're getting real drama and intrigue.

Tuesday, 26 July 2016

True Blood: You're No Good

"I was crazy and more racist than usual..."

Eric and Wila have this very appealingly twisted erotic attraction, very much reminiscent of Dracula as I've already said. This is clever, but does it really mean anything other than pure reference in the sixth season of a series about vampires when we've already learned what vampires are like?

Bill's vision is clarified: Jessica, Pam, Tara, Eric, all to burn in the Sun. Understandably he's upset and determined to stop it. Willa gives Eric all sort of sordid details about her nasty dad. There's confusion about the extent of Bill's powers now. And Niall finds that there's been a massacre at the dairy club and they're all dead, which is awful. This is all entertaining enough but with a definite side order of meh.

More interesting is the return of Sarah Newlin, clever, deliciously evil and fanatical as ever, now working for Truman and aiming to be a politician- Republican, of course. And Bill tells Sookie that she's dead to him for refusing to help prevent his vision. Again, meh.

Also meh is Sam and his new civil rights friends' successful rescuing of Emma from the werewolf pack. Even the cliffhanger with Jason badly hurt can't liven things up. I'm seriously worried about this season.

True Blood: The Sun

"I was testing you and you failed miserably!"

Something comes through a portal- can it be Warlow? Meanwhile, Jason gets a bollocking from his fairy grandfather and it becomes abundantly clear that humans now have the resources and weaponry to fight back against vampires. Bill can feel vampires being tortured right now in Louisiana, a place where they have no rights and, no doubt, a Kristalnacht is coming.

Sookie meets Ben, a mysterious injured fairy, while Sam meets Nicole, a civil rights activist who knows he's a shifter and wants to fight for the civil rights of "sipes"- an opposite reaction to the new governor. Predictable.

Bill's Lilith-inspired powers provide us with a lot of spectacle, while Andy's kids continue to get older and Niall investigates the portal Warlow may have used.

We get an interesting set piece between Eric and Governor Truman Burrell in which the battle lines are drawn and we learn that the tyrant has an Achilles heel, a daughter, Willa, whose name sounds a bit like "Wilhelmina" and whom Eric later seduces through the window, Dracula-like.

Niall gives another info dump to Jason and Sookie: the Stackhouses are vampire royalty and Warlow is obsessed with them. Niall is a King. Warlow murdered his family; John was his son. Even cooler is that Sookie has a kind of supernova power that can kill vampires- but she immediately stops being fae if she uses it.

Alcide and Sam are also clashing about custody of Emma after Luna's demise, and Jessica has a beautifully shot moment of religious angst. But we end with Bill having a vision of all our favourite vampires about to die by sunlight in an obvious analogy for a gas chamber.

This episode is better but still awkward, and the crudeness of the Nazi metaphor is getting more and more jarring.

Monday, 25 July 2016

True Blood: Who Are You, Really?

"Who the fuck is Mary Poppins and can I please kill her?"

So Bill turns into a rampaging and expensive-looking god-beast, but everyone escapes. It's a dramatic start, but with more than a hint of meh. This Lilith storyline has already gone on too far.

Even more meh, we have a new Governor of Louisiana who is instituting racial laws against vampires which are clearly meant to invoke the Nazis with a hint of Jim Crow. I generally like my metaphors rather more subtle than this and, well, isn't it seat her obvious thing to do at this point?

In other stuff, Tara and Pam are still sweet together. Pam is still awesome. And Jason gets an info-dump from Nora; Warlow was allegedly vamped by Lilith herself and is truly ancient, indeed mythical. And Jason is going through a racist phase. It's parental thing, literally.

Andy is slowly growing into fatherhood, Alcide is now packmaster, and Kason meets his "fairy grandfather", Niall. We know he's an important character, as he's played by Rutger Hauer. 

Bill is suddenly, seemingly, Bill again. Both Sookie and Jessica are uncertain. Is he really Bill? The new governor has Fangtasia raided, injuring Tara while doing so. And Eric returns Sookie's house to her. That's a lot of stuff, but mostly either set-up or tying up loose ends.

But we end with a lot of angst from Bull; what is he now? What are his powers? It's all very well-executed but I'm a little concerned that True Blood may be getting a little high on its mythology and forgetting to actually be about something.


Monday, 10 December 2012

The Rite (2011)





“What did you expect? Spinning heads? Pea soup?”

And so my journey into the unfamiliar territory of more modern horror continues with this acting tour de force from Anthony Hopkins. A confession, though: I’ve never even seen The Exorcist, let alone blogged it, so I won’t be making any comparisons. Sorry.

I suppose films about demonic possession would be scarier for those who believe in all that stuff; I don’t. Nevertheless, this film is effectively creepy, although it’s first and foremost a character drama and a chance for Hopkins to show us his considerable talents.

This is a very pro-Catholic film: the first thing we see is a quote from Pope John Paul II and the vibe seems to be that such things actually happen. Nonetheless, it’s a solid film, pleasingly structured with a strong cast, including Toby Jones trying out his American accent.

The audience identification character, Michael Kovac, has exactly the sort of theological doubts as to make him ideal for his role in the narrative; we see Hopkins’ Father Lucan almost entirely through his eyes. Lucan himself is full of precisely the sorts of eccentricities that we would expect from such a character. It’s highly convenient, of course, that Lucan would be Welsh, therefore absolving Hopkins from having to put on an accent.

We begin by following Michael through the seminary as he enters the strange, celibate world of the priesthood, but soon the scene switches to the far more gorgeous and cinematic setting of the Vatican, with all the obligatory shots where the camera lingers on the famous tourist sights.

The exorcisms are dramatic, and it’s clever that the supernatural elements are limited to a phantom horse and some creepy, devilish creepy crawlies. The creepiest moments, of course, utilise the psychological side of the supernatural: the most memorable moment in the film is where Michael speaks by phone to his dying father who says that “They’re hurting me”, and is then told that his father died hours earlier.

The climax of the film, where Lucas is himself possessed, conveniently gives Hopkins yet another chance to dazzle us with his acting skills. The conclusion is satisfying, although the fact that it revolves around Michael finding his faith again shows us what the film is trying to say.

This is a rather small scale little film, and essentially a vehicle for Hopkins to do a bit of a turn, but it’s well worth a watch.

Saturday, 20 August 2011

Blade Runner (1982)



“Aren’t you the ‘good’ man?”

I should probably say at the start that I watched the Director’s Cut, on one of those old DVD’s with the anti-piracy trailers that you’re forced to sit through. Grr. Also, I’m afraid I haven’t read Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? Anyway, this is well good.

We get a quick blurb with the backstory; there are replicants, the Tyrell Corporation have an apparent monopoly on manufacturing them. They’re stronger, and at least as intelligent as humans. They’re used as slaves on off-world colonies, but have revolted. They’re banned on Earth, and “blade runner” units exist to track them down. All this by 2019. That’s this decade!

The film has a distinctive look (and sound, all by Vangelis; it works very well). It’s always night, it’s always raining. The architecture in large scale looks like something Sauron might have designed. There’s loads of neon. It’s all stylised, not realistic; while looking impressive, there’s no real attempt to not make the street scenes look like sets, and this works, adding to the claustrophobic and alienating feel. It’s always dark indoors, too, and the lighting is never natural.

This doesn’t at all resemble the pre-existing sci-fi clichés of what the futuristic is supposed to look like. The fashions, and the interior design, reflect the 1930s and 1940s and this, alongside the presence of a hero who basically is Philip Marlowe, gives this a strong noir feel.

We begin with a rather Orwellian test to see if a nervous man is a replicant. His life depends on getting the questions right; the air-conditioning in the ceiling reminds us very much of guillotine blades. Hanging in the air is the question of whether a true human could fail this test.

The interrogator is wearing a 1930s suit and smoking a cigar. It’s the cigar that unfortunately dates this. Off-world colonies and humanoid robots by 2019 I can believe, but smoking in the workplace? Never!

Suddenly, the chap being tested shoots his inquisitor, and we switch to Deckard, played superbly by Harrison Ford, he who yields to no one in his repertoire of angst-ridden facial expressions. He’s reading a newspaper, another activity which seems likely to be archaic by 2019.

Deckard is “arrested”, but it’s soon clear that this is just his old boss’ way of getting his attention. As the hoary old cliché goes, he’s retired from the force but is being forced back because no one else is as good as him, dammit.

The following exposition scene is necessary but a bit awkward; if Deckard is an experienced blade runner then he wouldn’t need telling about the replicants’ four year lifespan. Still, we learn that there are five replicants. Roy is their leader, and we also have Zhora, Leon (whom we’ve already met) and Pris, a “pleasure model” (apparently “standard issue”).

We see a blatant coca cola ad as Deckard is flown away, with the bloke chauffeuring him maintaining the retro look by dressing like a World War Two air pilot.

We’ve established that everyone is dressed like the 1930s, and that Decker is basically Philip Marlowe, so we shouldn’t be surprised to see a femme fatale at this point. Deckard pays a visit to the Tyrell Corporation, where he’s met firstly by an artificial owl and secondly by Rachel, with her ‘40s hairstyle, played icily by Sean Young. Interestingly and, as we shall soon discover, pertinently, she asks whether Deckard has ever accidentally “retired” a human by mistake.

Tyrell, her boss, insists that Deckard start by subjecting Rachel to the test. Deckard insists they more elsewhere because “it’s too bright in here”(!), and we discover, inevitably, that Rachel is a replicant, albeit a chain-smoking one. She’s an experiment of Tyrell’s, given a set of memories and unaware of what she is. Now she knows. Cue lots and lots of existential angst.

After a scene in which Roy shows us how badass he is by torturing a bloke for information (Rutger Hauer is infinitely better here than he will be in Buffy the Vampire Slayer), Rachel pays Deckard a visit, insisting that she’s not a replicant. But Deckard insists that she is; those vivid childhood memories are not hers, but those of Tyrell’s niece. But then, as soon as he sees tears in his eyes, he takes it all back, insisting it’s a “bad joke”. This is very Marlowe.

We see a lady dressed in a way which, this being Hollywood, leads us to expect her to be a prostitute. She settles down to sleep rough, but runs into J.P. Sebastian, the very man Roy is looking for. J.P., rather than dressing in 1930s clothes like everyone else, is dressed like a civilian from Judge Dredd. He’s something of an innocent geek. He lives alone in a block of flats which seems otherwise deserted, and his only friends are eighteenth-century style automatons which he made himself. Pris is grateful for his hospitality, while she waits for her “friends”…

Deckard has a well weird dream about a white unicorn, I have no idea what this means. There follows a rather cool scene in which Deckard interrogates a piece of footage by zooming in and out, and finds a mysterious woman in a mirror. Pausing only to phone Rachel and ask her to go for a meal, he’s rebuffed, and follows the lead. The mysterious woman turns out to be Salome, and she’s a replicant.  Frankly, I could have done without her donning those pvc “angel wings” as he chases her across town and shoots her in beautifully realised slow motion. Ridley Scott may shoot this film beautifully, but this sort of symbolism is just pretentious.

Having killed the first of the replicants, Deckard is congratulated by Bryant again. He’s clearly been keeping an eye on Deckard, and makes it clear that he knows about Rachel and expects her to be “retired”. A couple of seconds later Leon turns up and starts to beat the crap out of Deckard. Just before he’s about to be killed, though, Rachel saves his life. How very convenient it is that replicants are vulnerable to bullets.

Rachel has clearly been having a long night of the soul. She knows she’s going to be hunted, and needs reassurance from Deckard that he won’t hurt her. She wants to know her incept date; suddenly she knows her life expectancy is very, very limited. And (the killer question!), she wonders whether Deckard has himself taken the Voight-Kampf test. She’s very sad, and very quiet; a long scene follows in which, while together, they are both shown to be very, very alone. Then Deckard rapes her. There’s no way round this; it’s quite blatant.

Sebastian, it seems, is only twenty-five years old, in spite of looking much older. He apparently suffers from Methuselah syndrome; he’s aging very quickly. There’s an obvious parallel here with the limited lifespan of the replicants.  It’s also heavily hinted that the reason he has no neighbours is that most other young people have gone to the off-world colonies. Surely this would have economic consequences?

Roy and Pris are now the only replicants left. Interestingly, though, they get what they want from J.P. through the use of charm rather than force, although admittedly there’s an implied physical threat.  J.P. assists Roy in getting in to meet his creator, Tyrell. The old man, surely knowing that Roy will kill him, meets his fate with calm dignity, expressing surprise that it took Roy so long. It is not possible, it seems, to extend the lifetime of a replicant, something which Roy finds impossible to accept (“It is difficult to meet your maker”). He has burned bright, but must die soon. Roy kills his “father”, horribly. It could hardly have been otherwise. Sebastian’s murder, at least, happens discreetly off-screen.

After a bizarre interlude in which his car is attacked by homeless dwarves, Deckard goes into the spider’s parlour. After shooting dead a screaming Pris, he encounters Roy, and there follows an extended sequence of cat-and-mouse. We get some extremely vertiginous scenes of Deckard climbing unaided and hanging on to the edges of cliffs for a long, long time. There’s absolutely no way a human would be capable of doing this; yes, I saw that episode of Mythbusters. These scenes convince me that he’s a replicant. Not that it matters, of course; the point is that the human / replicant division is arbitrary and meaningless, with even the test being of doubtful validity.

The end is surprising. Roy pulls Deckard up and delivers some poetic last words, before expiring gracefully at his appointed hour. He dies, and everything he has experienced is lost. But it eventually happens to all of us.

It seems the film ends with our rapist hero eloping with his victim. The pilot’s shout of “Too bad she won’t live. But then again, who does?” seems to make a certain implication about Deckard, the man with no apparent hinterland. I wonder which replicant will die first?

Saturday, 13 August 2011

Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1992)


“I’m the Chosen One. And I choose to go shopping.”

OK, I know. This is four horror films in a row, sort of. It’ll be something very different next time, I promise.

I’m saying nothing about how soon I’ll be reviewing Buffy and Angel on TV for this blog(!), but suffice to say that I’ve seen every episode before, although a few years have passed. And that makes this film a very odd experience indeed. And I’m not just talking about the presence of an absurdly young Hilary Swank and David Arquette.

For a start, there’s the absence of that theme tune. This is film, not TV, so exposition needs to be over with quickly; hence the flashback at the start. We quickly move to the present day, though (well, the early ‘90s) and to Southern California, although not Sunnydale.

I’m sure that for most Americans reading this blog, the institution on the American High School was a formative experience in your life. But to me, a foreigner, it’s something defined entirely by popular culture, and a huge chunk of it Buffy-related. All the tropes of the American high school- cheerleaders, strange sports of which I know nothing, those strange jackets, jocks, nerds, stoners, senior proms, homecoming queens (whatever they are) are just that: tropes from film and TV.

And we start right in the middle of this sort of thing, with a bunch of cheerleaders and some teenage boys playing basketball. Even in the early lines in these scenes it’s apparent that we’re going to get a very witty script indeed, which should come as no surprise as the writer is Joss Whedon. In fact, I’d argue that the script is pretty much entirely brilliant, and the film’s many shortcomings are due to other factors, but more of that later.

Anyway, Buffy and her friends are, like, totally a bunch of Valley Girls, with dialogue which sounds like it could have come straight from that Frank Zappa song (which is, as if it needed saying, my soundtrack to writing this!). I could listen to them talking all day.

It all looks a bit cheap, though, and there’s little focus to the succession of scenes we get; vampires, Rutger Hauer as “The Master” (that gets re-used!), Pike and Ben. In fact, we’re introduced to so many different similarly-aged characters that it takes some time to get used to who’s who.

Eventually Buffy meets her Watcher, Merrick, played by Donald Sutherland, whose accent seems all over the place. Is he trying to sound British or something? Is he even attempting the same accent in every scene? It doesn’t feel like it. He’s certainly phoning in his performance, which is a shame; like everyone else in this film, he gets great dialogue. Kristy Swanson, on the other hand, is actually quite good, but her performance it pitched too far towards pure broad comedy. But that’s the main problem with this film; Joss Whedon’s scripts are invariably funny, but they’re more effective if played mostly straight.

Merrick exposits at Buffy until she’s convinced, and tells her of Lothos, the “Master” we met earlier. He shows her some real vampires and she stakes them. This being a low budget film, though, they don’t disintegrate. They just fall down rather unconvincingly.

Ben is vamped, and calls on his friend Pike. Fortunately for Pike, he doesn’t invite his former friend in, because he’s acting weird. By floating in mid-air, for one thing, although this apparent ability of vampires is never referred to again.

We get the usual sort of plot for this sort of movie, really; protagonist gets called from humdrum life to do Great Things; protagonist refuses but is persuaded to continue; protagonist meets Big Bad and gets arse whupped; mentor figure gets killed; protagonist gets big final showpiece battle. But here, the fact that we pretty much expect all this to happen means the emphasis can go on witty dialogue such as “All I want to do is graduate from high school, go to Europe, marry Christian Slater and die.” It’s a shame the characters feel so wooden, and I don’t think that reflects any fault in the script.

Merrick persuades Buffy to continue by showing her that she has superhuman strength and reflexes, something which she’s unaccountably failed to notice until now. We then get an unintentionally hilarious montage scene, complete with rubbish music, which goes on for aaaaages.

At last she gets a proper vampire fight, or at least the nearest we’re ever going to get in this terribly directed movie in which all the fight scenes are slow, ponderous, entirely lacking in oomph and full of characters standing around talking mid-fight. Here she discovers that “My secret weapon is PMS!”, and Merrick discovers that Buffy can’t even make a decent cup of tea.

Buffy then rescues Pike, who by this point is obviously going to be the love interest. After pausing to see Rutger Hauer about to eat a little kitten (awww!), we then get shown how alienated Buffy is becoming from her rather shallow friends. Still, that night, she chooses cheerleading over slaying. I think my favourite character in the film is the team coach (“Assert your personhood! Actualise! Actualise!”), the most stereotypical Southern Californian ever.

Soon a vamp comes on to the pitch, or court, or whatever it is that basketball gets played on, and Buffy gives chase, with motorbikes and everything. Here she meets loads of vampires and the Master himself, but for some bizarre reason they don’t actually want to kill her as she’s “not ready”. How very sporting of them.

Merrick, who has suddenly turned up, gets suddenly killed and, in a rather bathetic scene, dies in Buffy’s arms, telling her with his last words to keep doing it “wrong”. It’s such a shame this doesn’t really work. Yes, it’s badly directed, like the whole damn film, but there never was any chemistry between the two of them.

After this, Buffy has a crisis of confidence, and gets a bit of a pep talk from Pike. It’s a nice reversal of the usual gender roles from Whedon’s avowedly feminist script but, again. It would be nice if there was some semblance of chemistry between the two of them.

It’s obvious that the school dance is going to be the scene of the final confrontation, and it’s a scene that could have only taken place in 1992 and no other year. Even the DJ looks like he should be a member of Faith No More. Buffy’s not happy; her boyfriend has humiliated her by publicly dumping her in from of her smug and mocking friends, but Pike has gatecrashed the party. She’s glad to see him, they dance together, and they kiss. Inevitably, this is when the vampires attack- and I notice this is the exact point where the music suddenly changes to the likes of Ozzy Osbourne and Rob Halford. If this is the effect that vampires have on music being played on dancefloors, then frankly I think there should be more of them.

Fortunately, Pike has remembered to take all Buffy’s stuff, and we get a series of long, talky and uninvolving fight scenes. The Master suddenly turns up playing a violin, which makes me momentarily feel that we’re about to segue into the music video for Come on Eileen. This is a very silly scene for something that’s meant to be a climax; the annoying vamp’s slow and “ironically” badly-acted death is just embarrassing, and for someone who’s supposed to be the Big Bad the Master poses absolutely no sense of threat whatsoever. He even dies with an “oops”.

This film is entertaining enough, but this is entirely due to the excellent script. Not only is this badly shot, you get the sense, from the fact that many of the actors here are perfectly good elsewhere, that the big problem with this movie is a director who simply can’t give direction to actors. A sadly wasted opportunity. Fortunately, though, there was to be another chance…