The Last Sect (2006)

"Once you join us you'll see this isn't a Heaven you have to suffer to enter..."

I don't mind a good bad film. Bad films can be enormous fum, as all right-thinking people know. No: there is no sin but being boring. And crikey, this films- about good looking, vaguely kinky female vampires, for Pete's sake is oh, so desperately and soul crushingly dull.

So what went wrong? No one sets out to make a bad film, after all. And it is, at least, interesting, to see the very 2006 attitudes to the internet and to online dating, by no means an accepted thing at that point, as well as mild social commentary about the dating experience for women and for men. The cinematography is good, despite the vaguely washed out look which has dated somewhat but I remember at the time being a tiresome trend... but it's done well. The cast, is good by and large. I mean, yes, David Carradine phones in his performance a bit, a wise decision with this script, but he oozes charisma nonetheless. And the soundtrack by the Duke Spirit, something else that's very 2006, is utterly wonderful.

But it's soooo slooow. At first the talkiness is ok. But the characters, who are dull anyway, just talk and talk and nothing ever happens. Yes, the film looks good, but that's because the set oieces are kept to a minimum, there doesn't seem to be any location filming, and it's ninety minutes of exposition and talking and talking and talking and oh my god hw much longer do I have to try to concentrate. We're talking possibly the dullest lesbian kiss in cinematic history here.

I can't think of any reason whatsoever why anybody would want to put themselves through tfhis ilm. I beseech you: don't suffer as I did.

iZombie: The Hurt Stalker

"They're like drummers in Spinal Tap..."

It's an interesting twist: Clive's stalker ex is murdered with his gun and he's a suspect, if a little half-heartedly, meaning he's off the case and Liv and Ravi get to show what they're made of. It's also a good showcase of Clive's character- calm, methodical, good under pressure, but with individual quirks and a deadpan humour. This is the best Clive episode yet, showing a hinterland of gumbo cuisine and Game of Thrones fanboyishness, which really goes to open him up as a character.

Meanwhile, Liv has paranoid stalker brain, which makes her paranoid about Major and is not good for her relationship. It's also an episode that sees her spend a few days in jail until she's released- and given brain- just in time. We get a final revelation that Major has a secret- he's keeping the engagement ring. He has hope.

For once the mirder mystery is a bit perfunctory- acceptable every now again- but this is a fine character episode.