Batman and Robin: Episodes 14 and 15

Episode 14: Batman vs the Wizard

"He can make himself invisible!"

Oh. My. God. The penultimate episode and we have the faint stirrings of... a plot.

This isn't immediate- after the most pathetic cliffhanger resolution yet, and that's saying something, we have scenes of the invisible Wizard having his escape made less easy by his sudden visibility, escaping but being grazed on the hand by a bullet. And then silly plot convenience sets in; both Barry Brown and Dunne turn out to have injured right hands. But, as our not-very-dynamic duo and Gordon rush to check the hands of the Professor and Carter, Carter is shot by an unseen hand- it seems we was the Wizard, if not for the fact we know that would be far too easy, and there's an episode to go. But things are actually happening, praise be.

I love how Batman realises the Wizard must be invisible by reciting the same technobabble nonsense...

One suspicious thing, though not to come across like one of those wankers who accuse disabled people who don't always use their wheelchairs of being frauds, is that we see the Prof walking in this scene which, I suspect, intended to cast suspicion. But the Wizard is not dead- dramatically, Barry Brown announces that the Wizard is to kill Gordon in his office at 2pm, and then gets strangled live on air by an invisible man. It's all happening.

So Gordon is going to make damn sure he's far away from his office at 2pm, right? Hell no; there's a cliffhanger to get through. But at least, for once, Batman- using a special infrared camera- actually wants Vicki to do her job as photographer.



Episode 15: Batman Victorious

"I'm ready to make a full confession..."

It's a surprising finale in that on paper it has a lot to wrap up in 17 minutes but, given that these fifteen episodes have been 99% set pieces and peril and only 1% plot, there isn't much to wrap up. It is, of course, convenient that the Wizard doesn't wear his mask while trying to shoot Gordon through the window, and did no one realise he might try that? Really? But we're getting somewhere. Confusingly, the photo shows the Wizard to be the late Carter, but from here the rest of the episode is a manhunt for an invisible but very alone Wizard, and now it's the final episode Batman and Robin are finally allowed to discover the secret passage.

We have a lot packed into the final few minutes as Batman and Robin burst into the Wizard's HQ and he run's away through a secret passage into the Prof's house. And here we have the clever and the absurd- the Prof was a red herring after all, his machine to make him walk and secret passage being just an unrelated scientific experiment. Yet the Wizard was Carter... and the "Carter" we've seen all along, and whom he shot dead, was his twin brother. Er...

We end with another crap scene where Vicki is persuaded yet again that Bruce Wayne isn't Batman, and it finally stops. And I can get on with The Sopranos and try and regain some of the brain cells I've lost while watching this.

A suggestion; let's give serialised Batman adventures a rest now for, say, about seventeen years. And, when we do bring it's back, let's mix up the set pieces with some camp humour, perhaps aving words like "THWACK!" or "BASH!" actually appear on screen. How about it?

Batman and Robin: Episodes 12 and 13

Episode 12: Robin Rides the Wind

"I'm a respectable scientist!"

Here we go again, then: another shameless cheat of a cliffhanger resolution. Then we have the still useless Batman failing to see the bloody obvious entrance to the hidden cave where we find the entrance to where the Wizard's little submarine is hidden in that hilariously overcomplicated set-up.

Then we have a little fracas at the Professor's house, as private eye Dunne has been nicking the Prof's plans for a neutraliser to his remote control machine- plans which Batman promptly "confiscates" and somehow convinces the gullible Commissioner Gordon, in spite of Batman's by now long record of incompetence, to allow him to set up a ridiculously overcomplicated "trap" for the Wizard. But who'd have thought it? The Wizard has a counter-plan of his own involving a bloke in a plane to drop bombs on Robin. Must be time for a cliffhanger, and there's not a lot of plot that's happened.



Episode 13: The Wizard's Challenge

"No neutraliser in here."

"Maybe it neutralised itself?"

Ok, I realise I always say the cliffhanger resolutions are mostly appalling, but this one is worse even than usual. We then get a ridiculously complicated ruse where the Professor arranges for the Wizard's men to "steal" his suddenly completed neutralise. Batman sort of suspects the Professor, but doesn't do anything because it's only episode 13.

Even worse, now the Wizard has the two combined machines, their rays together have the effect of, er, making the Wizard invisible. No, me neither. So the Wizard announces, via Barry Brown and a load of unnecessary theatricality, that he's going to steal his next target at 3pm- and Batman just stands around being thick, being believed and trusted in spite of not knowing a damn thing or having anything constructive to say.

We finish with amusing scenes of the invisible Wizard having fun with the robbery, while Batman robs himself in the vault for some reason. The cliffhanger is the door to the vault getting blown, which is a bit cra as it obviously doesn't reach the Batman.

Two episodes to go. And it's still all bloody set pieces and no bloody plot...

Batman and Robin: Episodes 10 and 11

Episode Ten: Batman's Last Chance

"We hae to square things with the guy whose car we took!"

You know the drill; this is a movie serial and thus has no characterisation whatsoever beyond the basics, nor does it have a plot beyond a loosely connected series of set pieces until the whole thing ends. This means none of the suspects are investigated as Batman and Robin are far too busy being peril monkeys to do any detective work, which by this point is making them look a bit thick. Indeed, after the outrageously cheating cliffhanger resolution- a new scene is inserted where our not-so-dynamic duo jump out of the car, Batman almost seems to admit to Robin that they’ve been a bit crap and he’s worried, especially as he’s asked the commissioner to let Jimmy go but not bothered to watch him. Although, of course, I’m probably overanalysing g; it’s not as though any of these characters have any interiority beyond pure plot function.

I have to wonder, though- the only movie serials I’ve seen have been this and (circa 1990) the earlier Batman with the wartime racism. Are they all quite like this?

Anyway, there’s more intrigue with Jimmy, who finally decides to help his sister, in a tall office block where the baddies have an exciting gadget that can see through doors. And Batman gets into a fight during which he opens a window in the umpteenth floor for no particular window, and plunged to his apparent doom. Sigh.



Episode Eleven: Robin's Ruse

"Can you prove it was Batman?"

Wow. This is actually a clever cliffhanger resolution- it was Jimmy in Batman’s costume, not Barman himself, who plunged to his doom, and we get a flashback. Just let’s not think too hard about why Jimmy would want to dress as Batman, or why a conscious Bruce would let Jimmy steak his costume- and see his face.

Soon, though, the Wizard and co dismiss the the theory that Jimmy was the Batman and alight on a much better suspect- Bruce Wayne, whom they decide to kidnap. Thus we have a whole episode based on Robin rescuing Bruce while (with help from a spandex-wearing Alfred!) he convinces them that Batman is with him. The Wizard and his goons are sufficiently stupid that even the bit-very-bright Batman and Robin can run rings around them, although they are still no closer Toni castigating any of the suspects they have, being far too busy with boys’ own set pieces.

Still, only four episodes left. Could we be about to get some actual plot...?

Batman and Robin: Episodes 8 and 9

Episode Eight: Robin Meets the Wizard

“Don’t mind her. She’s always going around taking pictures nobody sees.”

Here we go again into sixteen minutes of peril and perfunctory plotting, beginning with an outrageous cheat as Batman and Harrison dodge the bomb by using a trap door to a cellar that wasn’t there last episode. But that’s part of the charm, as is the outrageous sexism directed at the only female cast member Vicki, as per the quote.

The plot engines start up again as the Wizard demands a ransom of $5 million, quite a lot in 1949, which is foiled by a ridiculous plan from silly old Batman involving painting old notes with radium for tracking purposes (it’s the early atomic age; radium is cool) and making them flammable when exposed to the air, which will in no way go disastrously wrong.

All this plays out predictably, with an interesting set piece involving Batman quickly jumping out of the boot of a car before it heads off a cliff, and the Wizard only manages to “meet” Robin by knocking him out by throwing a stick at him- and completely failing to either kill or capture him, because we have seven episodes to go and that wouldn’t do.

Oh, look. That flammable money has Batman in trouble. Who’d have thunk it?

Episode Nine: The Wizard Strikes Back

“Batman and Robin have got to follow ”’

We get the cliffhanger resolution out of the way and then have a scene with Barry Brown and Dunn the private detective acting like red herrings, and Batman tells us both of them are suspects for being the Wizard, even though we know damn well it’s the Professor.

And... that’s it. We’re out of plot. Fortunately, though, the Wizard’s machine breaks down and needs more diamonds, which will hopefully generate enough plot and set pieces to fill another eight episodes.

We then recycle another plot thread as Vicki’s brother Jimmy pretends to be a goodie again while really working for the Wizard. Of course, no one suspects him and the only purpose he seems to serve is to tell the Wizard where the diamonds are being moved to- even though it’s him who causes them to be moved in the first place. 

Fortunately, though, we can then forget about the plot for a bit as the diamonds are nicked and there’s an exciting chase scene. The Wizard’s device seems to be suddenly working again, though, even without the diamonds being back at his base yet, and Batman’s car heads down yet another cliff. Sigh.

Batman and Robin: Episodes 6 and 7

Episode 6: Target Robin

“This is Barry Brown, with some new hot tips and cold facts!”

It’s weird to return to this once more, a series of Boy’s Own set pieces with any attempt at humour, irony or characterisation verboten. It’s just capture, escape, inconclusive set piece after inconclusive set piece and, while it’s all very entertaining and carries you along, it’s clear that the plot makes no sense and simply cannot do so in this format. Barman and Robin are simply reacting to events with no real detective work at all; how many times have they discussed Barry Brown as a suspect and failed to do anything?

We begin with an outrageously perfunctory cliffhanger resolution and a captured hood. It’s about time for the token female to appear so here’s Vicki Vale- But Batman, bring male and thus in charge, forbids her from taking a photo for some reason. He then dons a suspiciously accurate disguise as the captured Hood and proves how stupid the other hoods are as they fail to notice that “Mac” is a deeply unconvincing actor- although that may be entirely non-diegetic as Robert Lowery is pretty dire.but soon, after some chaotic scenes, Robin escapes with Bruce- so the Wizard fires Nolan and Evans for incompetence, because that’s what super villains do.

The plot resumes its circular way and Barry Brown reveals another crime location and another cliffhanger trap, this time with gas. This is utterly perfunctory stuff.



Episode 7: The Fatal Blast

“You know, if I didn’t know Bruce Wayne so well, I’d think you and he were the same man.”

So Batman has weird gas masks and an acetylene torch in his person- was the utility belt a thing in 1949? We soon move on to a scene of Barry Brown visiting Commissioner Gordon and spending the entire scene behaving like a red herring, which he obviously is; we know the Professor is the Wizard as it’s all but shown yet again here.

The Wizard’s new wheeze is to extort money by using his remote control machine to stop all trains going through Gotham Station- and the only train the budget stretches to is a steam one, which is pretty damn cool. The Wizard is a twonk, though, insisting that he never makes mistakes (ahem!) and he won’t tolerate it from his underlings.

We get a scene with Vicki Vale (the only female character since, well, she last appeared) that leaves me utterly agog. She’s following Batman and Robin until they stop her and “confiscate” her key, so she can’t follow them and do her job, and the subtext here is that she’s a woman and thus a child who needs to be prevented by male authority from doing man’s work. Wow. Yes, she outwits Batman But in the style of a rebellious naughty child. Not only that, but she notices Batman is driving Bruce’s car. That’s a staggering piece of carelessness from this uniquely thick Batman.

Still, the plot must go on, and it’s nearly cliffhanger time. So Batman rescues rail tycoon Harrison and they both go to a cabin for some reason. And a bomb blows up. Of course it does.

Batman and Robin: Episodes 4 and 5

Episode 4: Batman Trapped!

"You're clever, Batman. But not as clever as the Wizard!"

Sigh. Spoiled with all this Stranger Things lately but tonight I return to this functional, "that'll do" nonsense, made for kids in the assumption that means not particularly trying. Still, t may be rubbish, but the constant action means it passes the time quite well, and sometimes its very rubbishness can be interesting or entertaining.

Is it me, or does Batman not at any time become trapped during these instalment? These titles have very little reference to anything that happens. And, again, there is absolutely zero focus on character with all that happens being strictly action and plot. The episode is a blur of chases, captures and escapes much as we’ve seen before. Batman, again, reacts to events and is a pretty crap detective. Morton is ultimately freed after some visually cool but ultimately failed hypnotism by the Wizard. But Barman and Robin arrive and seem to defeat them all and capture the Wizard.... alas, our charisma-free villain is just a screen, for there are eleven more episodes of chases and fistfights to go.

Once again we are reminded that newscaster Barry Brown seems to know an awful lot, and yet again Batman does sod all about it, and falls for a pretty simple trick of the Wizard’s to find out where the hospitalised Morton is hiring his formula. You begin to wonder why Commissioner Gordon gives the time of day to such a thick, incompetent Batman.

Oh, and I realise the crapness of ‘40s fashion was a sort of precursor to the ‘70’s, but Dick Grayson looks very ‘70s here.

Chapter 5: Robin Rescues Batman

“Jimmy!”

As far as I can see, at no point during this episode does Robin do anything of the sort.

Anyway, we begin with lots of chases and escapes as usual, including Barman flagging down a passing police car and jumping in the back. But then we turn into a subplot, with hood Jimmy, played by perhaps the worst actor I have ever seen, having been photographed in an incriminating way by Vicki Bale, Who happens to be his sister. He sets a rotten and transparent trap for her so the picture and negatives can be taken in a series of scenes which could have included a lot of character and pathos, but don’t, because action and plot are the only two things this script is allowed to do.

Fortunately Batman revives the charred film and is able to use something called “Ehrlich’s Red” to restore it. Is this a thing?

This episode also gives us more footage of the sinister Professor just to remind us of his existence, and pretty much gives away that he’s the Wizard, to no one’s surprise. And we end with a cliffhanger that actually isn’t rubbish- Batman and Vicki in water covered in oil which is set aflame..

Batman and Robin: Episodes 2 and 3

Episodes are seventeen minutes long from this point, so I’m doing two at a time.

Episode 2: Tunnel of Terror

"Ms Vale evidently walked into your man trap!"

Here we go again into seventeen minutes of non-stop action set pieces, with even the opening music being utterly Perils of Pauline. It’s 1949, movie serials are only barely still a thing, but old tropes die hard.

We begin with Batman and Robin escaping an exploding plane- why on Earth was this not properly used as a proper cliffhanger? I get the impression that, cheap and cheerful though movie serials were, perfunctory entertainment intended strictly for kids, this is not exactly the best of the genre.

The villains get away via a delightful route- behind a bush into a secret cave, then through a trapdoor to an underground stream which contains a submarine which, when we see it in the water, is a hilariously obvious model. This is deliciously over-elaborate. So is the plot, but Batman is a bit thick- he notices the Professor’s home is suspiciously close to the baddies’ getaway but fails to follow this up. And the scene with Vicki Vale falling into one of the Prof’s man traps is just to remind us that the character is there.

We then get a bit of plot- newsreader Barry Brown gets his scoops from a dodgy private eye- but then it’s time for the new set piece, a train robbery for a new type of explosive. We end with another cliffhanger which doesn’t quite work, with Batman on top of a lovely old steam train about to get hit by a tunnel, except he clearly ducks...


Episode 3: Robin's Wild Ride

"Oh, you would think of tea at a time like this."

No, I have no idea what the title has to do with anything. Anyway, the explosives are stolen and there follows an obligatory car chase, except Batman is seemingly surprised (duh) when the Wizard uses the remote control machine he very much knew about. Thicko. Fortunately the baddies are berated by the Wizard for failing to steal a detonator that he’s only now deciding to mention.

Weirdly, Barry Brown’s new scoop is that Morton, inventor of the explosives, is staying in a local hotel- in what way is this news? Regardless, the Wizard has him (and Vicki Vale) kidnapped while Batman is caught, er, napping. I love the Wizard’s weird hypnotising eyes though.

Meanwhile, Robin at least has the presence of mind to give Batman’s car “new wiring” and the Professor lurks around just to remind us to be suspicious of him. And we finish, forconce, with a cliffhanger that actually works; Batman is shocked unconscious, Robin outnumbered...

Batman and Robin: Episode 1- Batman Takes Over

"I always have a plan!"

This is the first time I'm blogging a movie serial, and let us be clear about what they are; pure pulp melodrama. Trust me, there's no depth or subtext which we shall be discussing here. This is cheaply written, cheaply made, disposable entertainment. And that's precisely why it can be so much fun.

This is, of course, the second movie serial featuring Batman. The first, made a few years earlier during the Second World War, featured a startlingly racist Japanese villain and, I recall from seeing it on telly back in 1990 when terrestrial telly would show this sort of thing, crocodiles. But I'm blogging this one first for the very important reason that it's on Amazon Prime in the UK and, while Amazon are generally appalling in such matters, actually has subtitles.

This is 1949. The character of Batman is only ten years old but the darkness of the very early months is long forgotten; by 1949 the Batman of the comics is all square jawed and stentorian, for this is the Dick Sprang era. Nonetheless, the crude exposition at the start shows us that all the trappings are in place. We have the costumes for Batman and Robin, cheap and awful though they are. We have the Batsignal, the Batcave, Bruce and Dick, Vicki Vale, Alfred (perhaps the worst here of a number of bad actors) and Commissioner Gordon. And yes, if you ignore the total lack of personality displayed by all concerned in this very functional script, it's a fairly faithful depiction of said trappings.

But the plot... well, some bloke called the Wizard has nicked a "remote control machine" which can control any vehicle within a 50 metre radius. Said machine was invented by a grumpy professor who is distinctly dodgy because a) he's in a wheelchair, this is 1949, and physical imperfection means "baddie" and b) we blatantly see him sit in a chair with funny lights and suddenly be able to walk again. Er, he's the Wizard, isn't he? It's quite obvious, ad they've pretty much given it away already. Anyway, the Wizard has zero charisma, and a submarine for some reason.

Anyway, this machine, for reasons of plot convenience, runs on diamonds, meaning the Wizard has to keep sending his behatted goons to rob all sorts of places where diamonds will be found. I suspect we shall be seeing a lot of this. Weirdly, though, the episode ends with out heroes’ plane controlled by the Wizard and... landing safely, with no real cliffhanger. That was unexpected.

Fourteen short episodes to go...

Poltergeist (2015)

"Well, it's not like it was an ancient tribal burial ground.."

Meh. It's not that this film is badly made- it looks slick, is stylish and is well acted in a naturalistic style that Sam Rockwell excels at in particular. It just doesn't work as a horror film. At all.

As I've said many times before, I dislike sequels. And, as my wife pointed out during our viewing of this film, it's true that the slick look of so many modern horror films destroys all atmosphere and suspense in favour of a kind of music video arty cleverness; even the clown isn't scary.

The film goes through the plot motions of the original films but, while nothing is bad, and there's a genuinely brilliant scene involving a drill, well, Zelda Rubinstein has been replaced by Jared Harris as a reality TV ghost hunter and the directorial style, while slick, lacks the emotional manipulative was of Spoelberg which, while often annoying, makes the proper version of Poltergeist work.

This is a pointless remake. A shame; if they'd just made an original film about poltergeists they'd have saved themselves the awkward comparison.