The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Fit the Fifth

 "The first ten million years were the worst, and the second ten million years, they were the worst too. The third ten million years I didn't enjoy at all. After that I went into a bit of a decline."

Although I have, naturally, experienced the events of this episode repeatedly, and in multiple media, it is nonetheless fresher to me than the preceding four episodes, and the ideas are, of course, as awesome as anything that comes from the mind of Douglas Adams.

We have a rock star, spending a year dead for tax reasons, whose over-the-top gigs illustrate precisely why the galaxy so urgently needs punk. We have Colin Jeavons, whom I tend to think of as Lestrade from the Granada Sherlock Holmes, as a splendidly over-the-top compere. We even have an utterly unrecogniseable Peter Davison as the Dish of the Day, which longs to be eaten.

But Marvin is, as ever, the best bit. This is wonderful stuff.

The Man Who Would Be King (1975)

"And now the woman's of Er-Heb will cut his bollocks off. Ha ha!"

Let's deal with the elephant in the room first: is this film racist?

First, let's consider that this is an adaptation of a story written in 1888 by Rudyard Kipling, and we can therefore expect a bit of raving imperialism which can't fail to be transferred to any adaptation.

Secondly, let's consider that there are two stupid answers to the question: "yes" and "no". These answers betray the mindset that thinks there are only two types of people in the world- outright Nazis and people "without a racist bone on their bodies". That's what's implied by any question that asks us to rule on whether something is either racist or "not racist" whereas, in fact, 99.99% of us fall between these poles. Personally, I'm a Guardian-reading liberal type who abhors racism, but I wouldn't dream of claiming that I "haven't got a racist none in my body". How could I possibly know that? There could be all sorts of unexamined racist assumptions hidden somewhere in my subconscious. They're unexamined. That's the point.

So let's just briefly note that the original source text, given the author, the subject matter and the setting, can hardly fail to display both racist attitudes and a voyeuristic othering of people from other cultures. Let's also briefly note that, being integral to the plot, these things are inevitably transferred to this film adaptation. Also, 1975 is an age ago in terms of attitudes to race- a film like this would never be made today- and both India and Kafiristan are presented as an exotic "other", not on their own terms. But let us also remember the context. Past attitudes are what they are. This film was less racist in the context of 1975 than it would be if made today.

So let's talk about things that are more interesting. Such a show unusual it is for John Ford to direct a film like this, how amazing the location filming looks, or how Sean Connery's Scottish accent jars somewhat with dialogue clearly written with a voice from south of the border in mind.

Also interesting is that Kafiristan was a real place, called this by its Muslim neighbours as it was the only pagan part of Afghanistan, and thus mysterious and unique, at the time Kipling wrote his original story. Sadly, though, it was converted en masse during the 1890s and is now called Nuristan. Isn't the onward march of conformity a depressing thing?

But what of the film? Well, it's superb: gripping, great to look at and full of incident and deeply charismatic performances, not least from its stars Sean Connery and Michael Caine but also from Saeed Jaffrey, whose superb comic timing helps to partly hide the vaguely racist undertones of the character he's playing.

The emphasis on freemasonry is... odd, and doesn't give us an entirely sympathetic portrayal of Kipling. Interesting. But this is ultimately a classic tragedy, where Danny is brought down utterly by his hubris and Peachy brought down low by his own relative hubris. As a tale, and as a film, it is superb. 

Doctor Who: The Space Pirates

Part One



"There's only one thing we can do- run!"



Some top incidental music here, Dudley Simpson's best score so far. And with the music and modelwork (also excellent) together, it's all looking a bit 2001. The recon is excellent too, with lots of CGI and clever repeated use of existing footage.

We get a lot of awkward exposition from the strangely Gerry Anderson-esque Space Corps though- lines like "The beacons, as you know, are constructed of Argonite" are the ultimate in As-You-Know-Bobbery. In fact this feels more like a Gerry Anderson programme than Doctor Who at this point, until we're reminded of what we're watching by the fact the space corps' doors sound as if they're from Skaro. Absurdly late, 15 minutes in, the TARDIS materialises- will we ever see such a late appearance by the TARDISeers in a first episode again?

All that aside, though, you can appreciated how tightly constructed the episode is by the end. And I like Caven's Ned Kelly outfit.


Part Two


"Is it all right if I blow my nose, or is that another offence?"


The Space Corps' scanner looks like an old telly from the 60s. Odd, that.

I love Milo Clancey, especially the stuff with the boiled egg. Robert Holmes has truly arrived! Although, er, that's an interesting accent. It's also interesting that Clancey, the independent individual oppressed by government red tape, is presented as a hero- not the last time that Holmes seems to show a glimpse of possible libertarian politics in his scripts!

As this episode actually exists we can see how well shot this all is. And also that the Doctor seems to be carrying a perfectly ordinary screwdriver, not a sonic one. Oh, and Madeleine Issigri, she of the interesting headgear, is clearly a baddie.

Part Three



"Why don't you do something useful? Why don't you make us all a pot of tea or something?"


The General suspects Clancy of being the pirates' ringleader for no reason whatsoever. With other writers I'd peg this as poor characterisation, but from ex-policeman Holmes it may be based on his real life impressions of police work!

The scene where Zoe's worked out the destination of the pieces of the beacon is rather fun, especially the Doctor's reaction. Reminiscent of Holmes' earlier The Krotons, in fact.



Part Four


"I like drawing pins!"



At last the TARDISeers start to become sort of engaged with the main plot. That'll be a typical late Troughton six parter then. This is possibly the best episode yet, what with Troughton's antics with the tuning fork. And Jamie, inevitably, opening the door by hurling it across the room. Of course, the Doctor was carrying it in his pockets, along with some drawing pins. The one-day-to-be-traditional trope of the Doctor having capacious pockets starts properly here, and it starts with Bob Holmes.

Milo Clancey's a bit of a prototype for Han Solo, isn't he? aside from the minor detail of being completely different, that is. He's definitely the real hero though- you really feel sorry for him when the TARDISeers make their nasty accusations!



Part Five



"I do all the dirty work- the space piracy, the capital larceny, the first degree homicide..."


Suddenly (well, the pace hasn't exactly been that quick so far, but...) things are beginning to drag a bit, what with the Doctor & co being locked up in the second cell this episode and the Space Corps' continuing incompetence.



Part Six



"Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!"



The last missing episode! Ever! Hooray! Much rejoicing! Etc!

It's only just occurred to me this far in how uncannily similar to the Star Trek theme tune the incidental music is. I wonder if that was deliberate?

Interesting how the Space Corps never actually meet the TARDISeers. And annoying how it all ends with some Hanna Barbera canned laughter...




Overall, there's no denying it drags and gets especially repetitive towards the end. Holmes is not exactly the finished article here, and this is not exactly one of the best stories ever, but this is nowhere near as bad as its reputation. Some of the dialogue sparkles and this is unmistakably Bob Holmes in the way The Krotons wasn't. A solid 3/5- quite conceivably higher if it'd been a four parter.


Ten whole episodes to watch and review tomorrow, then that's the Mighty Trout done for me!