The Red Beret (1953)

 "There are two kinds of men who jump- those who are crazy and those who are stupid."

This is, I suppose, a fairly standard British war film, despite the fact that it happens to have an American star in the person of a notably getting-on-a-bit Alan Ladd. And it's a good, exciting bit of adventure with a nice bit of characterisation- McKendrick is an American pretending to be Ameriucan who has joined the parachute regiment here in Blighty.

Now, I'm a bit scared of heights. Not to extremes- I'll travel by plane (well, maybe, these days I'd have to think about the fossil fuels), but I'll go a bit quiet at takeoff and landing. But there's absolutely no way you'll ever get me in a parachute. I could never, ever, jump off a plane, even with a modern, much safer parachute. But back then... the early scene where the poor instructor "Roman candles" and plummets to his doom is existentially horrifying. The fear of that happening, much more likely then than it would be now, is unimaginable. But these men would do that and then go straight into combat.

There's nothing particularly outstanding about this film, it's no all-time classic, but it impresses simply by being very good and getting the basics right. The cast isn't that stellar but it does the job. The story, characterisation and script are impressive without necessaily being up there with the best. The tyrannical Scottish sergeant major is a nicely done little knowing stereotype. It's short, entertaining and worth a watch.

The Return of Sherlock Holmes- The Second Stain

 "The motives of women are so inscrutable..."

This, again is a very strong episode- again adapted from a particularly strong Conan Doye short story, althogh yet again one in which the "rules" of detective fiction, which had yet to be drawn up when Conan Doyle was writing, 

Brett is wonderful, as ever, imbuing far more character into Holmes than Conan Doyle's dialogue hints at. I love his leap of joy as the episode ends. It's a strong cast too- a young Patricia Hodge impresses, and Harry Andrews is enormously charismatic as priime minister Lord Bellinger. Is he a fictionalised Lord Salisbury? The short story is set in the Summer or Autumn of 1888, long before The Final Problem. This would be shortly after the accession of Wilhelm II, which would make sense as I think it's clear he is the "foreign potentate" who writes the offending letter.

Such things are piffling, however. This is superb telly. I love so many things- Lestrade's misplaced smugness, making me rather fond of the man; the kerfuffle at the start as the distinguished visitors are expected; the fact that late Victorian London comes alive before our eyes. I'm well aware that sharks will at some point be jumped, but right now it feels as though the series can do no wrong.

Theatre of Blood (1973)

"Critics all make errors. We're only human."

"An opinion I find myself incapable of sharing!"

Before I'd even watched a frame of this it was abundantly clear that it was spiritually a second sequel to The Abominable Dr. Phibes; Vincent Price plays an eccentric craving revenge and drawn to carrying out a series of grotesque murders upon a particular theme. In this case, with Edward Lionheart being a bad Shakespearean actor (I wonder how Price reacted to being offered the part of a ham actor...?), the theme of the murders is Shakespeare, the Titus Andronicus one naturally being the best, the play being just as Grand Guignol as the film itself.

Such a premise cannot fail and, indeed, it doesn't. Unlike the Dr. Phibes films this is set in the present day, but otherwise it feels much the same and follows the same template. The plot may be predictable but it's all about the spectacle. Diana Rigg is superb as Lionheart's daughter and accomplice and the murdered critics include the likes of Arthur Lowe and Dennis Price. We even get a scene, Avengers fans, in which Diana Rigg and Ian Hendry are in a car together.

It may not be big, it may not be clever- although it certainly appeals to the Shakespeare geek- but it sure is fun.

The Black Knight (1954)

"I know I'm not a knight, but is it impossible to become one?"

I only sat through this film because it had Patrick Troughton, Peter Cushing and Andre Morell in it. I wish I hadn't. I can honestly say that this is the worst film I've blogged thus far. Even Teenagers from Outer Space was better than this.

The historical inaccuracies... where to begin? Obviously you accept a certain amount of artistic licence for the Arthurian genre, with the early sixth century setting typically being depicted as the High Middle Ages, but here we have Patrick Troughton as King Mark of Cornwall, leading an anti-Christian alliance of pagan Vikings and druids(!) with "Saracens" who apparently prefer associating with pagans than people of the book. Hmmm. One of these "Saracens" is Knight of the Round Table Sir Parmenides, who has his own castle in the English countryside. 

But that's not all. The centrepiece of the film sees our very silly alliance of baddies perform a comedy pagan ceremony of sacrifice at a matte painting of Stonehenge. After their defeat Arthur orders the monument to be trashed, a bit like Daesh in Palmyra. This is appropriate, I suppose, as Arthur spends the entire film behaving like a twat. Oh, and he's depicted as a King of "England"  the very country that any real life Arthur would have devoted his life to strangling at birth. Arthur didn't like immigrants much, a lot like most Britons today. This Arthur seems positively encouraging of diversity, notwithstanding his twattishness.

Even disregarding these frighteningly ignorant depictions of history- children actually watched this film!- the plot is annoying and relies on Arthur being stupid and thick-heatedly disbelieving for the plot to work.

Patrick Troughton gives us some top class moustache twirling but Alan Ladd phones it in as heroic blacksmith John. Then again, with a script as hopeless as this, why wouldn't he? A film not worth bothering with.