Conan the Destroyer (1984)

"What good is a sword against sorcery?"

About six years ago I watched, and blogged, Conan the Barbarian. A kindly commenter to that blog pointed out that my previous Conan experience in print had been heavily influenced by L. Sprague De Camp, and that the original and unembellished Robert E. Howard short stories were now available. I have since read them (they are a good length for my daily commute), and much enjoyed, although I fear some years have passed; I am hazy about what passed for continuity. This film, though, is based on a story by Roy Thomas and Gerry Conway; I assume it is an adaptation from the licensed Marvel comic. Regardless, the film is very good, and a rare sequel that improves on its predecessor.

Mostly this is down to the solid quest plot, with just enough characterisation and enough twists while maintaining a gritty fairytale vibe. Partly it's the superb incidental music and visuals. Partly it's that Arnold Schwarzenegger actually gets lines, turns out to be capable of acting, and indeed proves unexpectedly great at comedy. Yet the core of the film is the same as that which separates "sword and sorcery" from high fantasy. Life may be nasty, brutish and short, but that only increased the value of companionship, honour, the pleasures of alcohol (I love drunk Conan!) and an uninhibited and even innocent attitude to sexual desire. It is a world without much comfort, but also without puritanism.

I loved seeing geek favourites Sarah Douglas and Grace Jones, of course, but the narrative genuinely grabbed me in this well-made film. I can't find much bad to say about this underrated gem and will even forgive the early appearance of pylons in the distance...

.

A View to a Kill (1985)

"Well my dear, I take it you spend quite a lot of time in the saddle."

"Yes, I love an early morning ride."

"Well, I'm an early riser myself."

Meh. This isn't quite the worst Bond film so far- that would be Thunderball- but it's certainly the very dampest of squibs. Roger Moore, at 57 and suddenly looking it, is by now absurdly too old to be convincing in the part, but ultimately the problem lies with the script. The plot is fine, but the dialogue is functional and lacking in wit, and as a result the film fails to come alive. That's a shame, as an actor like Christopher Walken deserves a much better villain to play. Still, he deserves much praise for triumphing over a crap script to give us a memorable Max Zorin regardless.

The film also suffers from that perennial problem of Bond films set largely in the United States: what is Bond doing there when the Americans have agencies of their own? Still, Duran Duran give us a decent theme tune and it's always good to see Patrick Macnee, even if his character does spend his final few hours alive being ordered about by Bond. Grace Jones is good as May Day but, again, wasted, as indeed area many of the set pieces which seem to be shot rather unimaginatively. Still, I enjoyed the finale with the airship on the Golden Gate Bridge.

Not a good swansong, then, for the suddenly much-aged Roger Moore: he should have left on a high with Octopussy. It's goodbye too, though, for Lois Maxwell, the only cast member who's been there since Dr No.