Clash of the Ninjas (1986)

 "The rebels have been sent to the organ grinder, you see? Ha ha!"

Yesterday was a bit deflating at disappointing, so a hilarious B-movie seemed a good idea. And this film is, let us make no bones about it, terrible. Hilarious, yes, but terrible. If you're the kind of person who enjoys so-bad-it's good type of cinema you may enjoy this... but I'll not be held responsible for that eighty-four minutes of your life. This blog accepts no liability for any displeasure incurred...

I've blogged a couple of Godfrey Ho's films and... well, this is another one! He made incredibly cheap Hong Kong films that, in the mid-'80s, tended to crowbar in references to the then-current ninja craze. Frequently he would buy the rights to films that had never been finished and splice them together into a whole which, as here, makes no sense whatsoever.

Where shall we start? I love the grand guignol of the premise- a Triad that kidnaps people and gruesomely operates on them to remove eyes and kidneys for onward sale. But, well...

I mean, naturalistic dialogue and decent characterisation? Ha! This is the crudest melodrama possible, and magnificently so. It's basically just set piece after set piece, with fight after fight. And ninjas, yeah? They're magic, they can apparently teleport, set stuff on fire and, er, make people explode. I mean, that ending...

Still, the baddie ninja is suitably moustache-twirling and I, for one, was entertained by this rubbish. If you must watch this, though, alcohol is highly recommended.

Ninja Champion (1986)

 "Not the wine. My nipples, you jerk."

Oh, look. It's a cheap Hong Kong action film from the mid-80s, directed by Godfrey Ho and with the word "Ninja" in the title.  This will be a cinematic materpiece, right? And in no way a hilariously cheap little film full of laugh out loud moments and the most blatant of "as you know, Bob" clunky exposition?

Well, no. I mean, you could tell where that first paragraph was heading. I could, if I was feeling lazy, just say "this is a Godfrey Ho ninja film, you know the drill" and leave it there. But let's talk about the film, because it's fun.

The thing is, the plot is actually pretty well-constructed and satisfying, with clever reveals amongst the action, if you'll forgive the sudden use of a previously unmentioned identical twin sister. But the acting, dialogue and sheer 80s-ness of everything make it impossible to take the film seriously. There's a scene with a horny wife trying to turn on her frigid husband until the scene suddenly switches to her, on a beach, building a high, vertical tower out of hard stones. I'm sure there's subtext here but I can't quite put my finger on it.

There is a whiff of that very 80s nastiness where a woman is raped and sets out to kill her rapists, and this is at the centre of the film. Worse, the "hero", George, subsequently abandoned Rose as she was "soiled" by her rape. But I think he both comes to repent what he's done and is adequately punished by the end. He has lost Rose and will now be alone forever.

Hilariously, the ninja sub-plot is basically crowbarred in, and only really intersects with the main plot at the very end. But the fight sequences are fun. And that is, with a film like this, the main thing. 

Yeah, this film is rubbish. Gloriously so.

Robo Vampire (1988)

 "Since Tom's dead. I'd like to use his body to make an android-like robot, Mr Glenn."

Oh dear.

This is, let's be clear from the start, a bloody awful film. Yes, the dialogue is awful. And it's awful throughout. See "Listen, we must find a way to handle Tom, that goddamn anti-drug agent." Yes, marvel at the crude, "as you know, Bob" exposition.

The poster, of course, in no way invokes RoboCop, released the previous year. But the film isn't so much of a straight rip-off as a mish-mash of bonkers ideas. It is,indeed, a series of set pieces and bonkers dialogue. One cannot help but love its un-selfconscious rubbishness.

I mean, there are "Dao vampires", who jump like rabbits and serve the Hong kong drug lords for some reason. That there is a ghost who resents that she has been denied afterlife with her beloved and vows revenge with gloriously terrible dialogue... "You can kill us, but not until our love is consummated".

Yes, quite. Such naturalistic dialogue..

She then proceeds to work for the baddies in return for marrying her vampire beloved. And it can't be stressed how terrible said vampires look.They have Rice Krispies on their faces, and  the jumping about is... yeah.

I thought this film would be enyertaingly rubbish. I mean, it's by Godfrey Ho, rhe king of dun B-moviesa, But... wwll, this fulm does havew many entertaninglynrubbish moments. But I cannot ewmphasise how shite it is,

If you much watch this film, prodigious quantities of alcohol are utterly essewntial. Teetotalers shouls avoid at all costs.

Ninja Terminator (1985)

"The ninja empire is evil!"

When I was 11 or 12 I was obsessed with ninja moves, and it's high time that was reflected in this blog. My critical discernment at that age was not great and so, I fear, I must discuss what is not even a particularly well-remembered example of the many ninja movies directed by Mr Godfrey Ho of Hong Kong.

Ninjas in real life are, or were, Japanese assassins and spies who did the dirty work that honourable samurai considered beneath them. Naturally, they cultivated the myth of magical powers, and were more commonly known ax "Shinobi", as we '80s Sega Mega Drive fans naturally know.

Sadly they do not seem to have survived into the modern era properly, despite what many "ninja schools" will tell you. Their modern popularity in the West owes a lot to You Only Live Twice, but really took off with hordes upon hordes of Eighties Ninja film, beginning with the alarmingly titled Enter the Ninja (1981). This is a not-particularly-distinguished example. It's awful, of course; terrible script, terrible acting, formulaic as they come. But when I say awful I don't mean awful. I mean gloriously awful. Plan 9 from Outer Space awful.

Where to begin? That contant silly "crunch" sound during the many martial arts scenes? The unironic evil laughter? The fact that Harry, the ninja hero, spends most of his time conversing with his badass underling Jaguar on his '80s Garfield phone and only gets off his arse in the last five minutes? Even the fact that a very '80s car chase involving, yes, a Ford Cortina, turns out to be Jaguar harassing his ex so he can sleep with her in highly dodgy scenes? Yes, that actually happens. So do death threats via little toy robots, and silly teleporting ninjas.

It's a terrible, terrible film, and I'm so glad to have seen it again.