Aquaman (2018)

”Show off... I could have just peed on it."

Unusually for a superhero movie, I'm going in blind. For once I know pretty much naff all about the superhero in question and his supporting cast. What I do know, though, is that DC Universe movies, to the extent that's still a thing, have been decidedly mixed. Fortunately, the gods be praised, this is a Wonder Woman and not a Justice League.

Some of the typical DC sins are found here as well, mind; CGI abounds and, certainly, it makes for a visually impressive and rather awesome set of scenes in Atlantis with Atlanteans riding sharks and giant turtles as beasts of burden, but we also get CGI countryside, de-wrinkled faces and all sorts of unnecessary nonsense.

I know nothing of DC’s Atlantis (I’m a Sub-Mariner kind of guy) but we get a real exploration of its history, fantastic though it seems- an ancient technological civilisation (are they Minoans? Is Atlantis in the Med? They seem a bit Greek to me, culturally) which sank because of hubris and where there are now various different kingdoms which are disunited and where, in spite of only a few thousand years presumably passing, people have evolved very differently- one kingdom is of met-people.

In spite of visually following the unfortunate DC house style, though, this film is warm and human, and solidly entertaining. It helps that Jason Momoa’s Aquaman is likeable- humble, bloke USA and fun-loving, a hero you could have a pint with. And the plot is a solid little quest narrative as Aquaman follows a series of tasks to retain a weapon which can be lifted only by the one true king and which shows his right to rule- no surprise he happens to be called Arthur. He also knows his early Roman history, which is a plus.

The cast is superb, too, although the appearance of Amber Heard leads to the same awkwardness as appearances by Johnny Depp- one of them is a domestic abuser, and we know not which. But it’s great to see the great Dolph Lundgren, Willem Dafoe, and even Nicole Kidman is actually pretty good. This is a good old-fashioned blockbuster, and fun with it.

The Greatest Showman (2017)

"They're laughing anyway, kid. So might as well get paid."

This is notorious, of course, for being the film that critics utterly despised yet going on to become a massive word-of-mouth hit. Having now seen it I can see why it did well; it’s very well-shot and choreographed. Nevertheless, I didn’t like the songs at all as they sound like contemporary  chart pop with all the unlistenable production that implies, but some people must like chart pop.

This is a musical about Phineas T. Barnum, a figure whose life I know only in broad strokes and who is famous these days mainly for the apocryphal “there’s a sucker born every minute”. But the film presents him, Hugh Jackman’s charm and his being a good family man aside, as a deeply exploitative bastard who exploits those with actual talent- even if the “talent” is to be a dwarf or bearded woman- in order to make himself rich. He’s no better than Simon Cowell, a deeply unpleasant individual who uses, abuses and discards people and is a morally disgusting beast of a human being. When he finally abandons his “freaks” for a night, not wanting them to be seen by his posh mates as he puts on a big opera do, we see how little they mean to him in spite of giving him his fortune, and the bearded lady gets an uplifting song. Yet later on, in a perverse type of Stockholm syndrome, when Barnum nearly loses everything they insist on staying as part of the “family”. This is very uncomfortable to see.

And perhaps that’s it; it’s superbly directed and very well made, and well acted in spite of the central character’s surprising blandness, and I suppose the songs are aimed at people who can stand modern chart pop- they certainly aren’t show tunes- but I’m not sure what the script is trying to do. It seems to want to be a simple, escapist melodrama but you can’t really deal with the theme of “freak shows” without having something coherent to say about them, and this film doesn’t. It’s very well made by it’s largely Australian crew, but in the end it’s a largely empty experience.

Baywatch (2017)

“You got your beef and your biscuits stuck down there...”

I know. What can I say? It was a moment of madness. I can certainly reassure you, though: I certainly won’t be blogging the TV series. No one wants that.

Well, let’s make clear from the outset that, a few good performances aside such as, yes, Dwayne Johnson, Mrs Llamastrangler and I are both united in the view that this film is, unsurprisingly, pants. The plot is as predictable as clockwork, with cartoon baddies and a secondary hero who has to prove himself, and there are the obligatory knowing winks and amusing cameos from both Pamela Anderson and a shockingly old-looking David Hasselhoff. Mercifully unexplained is why both mentor and protege are called Mitch Buchannon.

We have a nerd character (we know at the start he’s a nerd because he wears a Donkey Kong t-shirt) who ends up getting the sexy chick and, yes, you’re not going to get a movie like this without, well, not so much the male gaze as an awful lot of perving on scantily clad women by both the camera and the script.

There are some funny one liners, especially at the start and end, but unfortunately the middle of the film is all plot and action and this is really rather dull in the way rubbish films tend to be. Yes, this film is done with a knowing wink, the fourth wall is somewhat unstable throughout, but let there be no doubt that this film is utter, absolute pants.