What If... Hela Found the Ten Rings?

"I have not survived a thousand years of war to die at the hand of foliage!"

Once again we have a superb episode of What If?- this season really is proving to be far superior. Hela, portrayed superbly by your actual Cate Blanchett, is hugely charismatic and engaging here in a rare starring role where she gets all the best lines and, best of all, gets to truly grow as a character in an arc that dovetails beautifully with the plot and works perfectly.

The episode impresses from the start, with Odin exiling Hela to Earth, removing her powers and her helm, of which he says, brilliantly, "Whosoever wears this crown, should she know mercy, shall possess the power of Hela".

Yet i't s also wonderful to see characters and concepts from Shang-Chi again, as that's one Marvel film that hasn't been followed up for far too long. Despite the odds, Hela and Wenwu find happiness and wisdom together. But we Ta Lo too, and it's fun seeing the culture clash between Hela's Nordic cynicism and the Eastern philosophy she is taught. It is, at once, profound and hilarious.

This just may be one of the best yet, and two to go...

Batman: The Phoney Doctor

 "I know you're sorry. You're always sorry. You're the sorriest man I ever knew."

We begin with an outrageous cheat of a cliffhanger resolution, and we end, inevitably, with another one, as Batman is about to be crushed. In between we get more of the Tim Colton radium mine plot, with Daka and his goons determined to find the location of the claim.

And... it's actually really fun, mainly because Colton is such a fun character, a walking stereotype of the drawling, gun-titing man of the West, but at a time when such types all voted on mass for FDR and would have very little time for orange con men from New York.

He's pretty gullible, though, falling for that phoney doctor very easily. And that clue with the "Japanese laundry" found by Bruce is mighty convenient. Still, it's great to see Colton after he's taken to Daka's lair, dismayed at what's been done to his friend Martin but not giving up. Here's hoping he sticks around for a while: right now he's the best thing about this movie serial.

No more than the usual underlying racism this time, mercifully.

Better Call Saul: Something Stupid

 "Dude, I don't need to be a lawyer, all right? I'm a magic man."

It's a nice little trick, to allow at least four months to pass between episodes. It gives us the nice little split screen montage at the start with Kim and Jimmy. Both go through their everyday lives, their very different jobs, Kim's arm slowly heals (it's a nice touch later on when we see her nervously driving), and the two of them slowly drift apart, failing to communicate as their relationship deteriorates. In bed, they lie in opposite directions. They don't talk at mrealtimes. (Incidentally, why is it that every single evening meal on an American television show inclides a bottle of wine, even if it's just a random Tuesday?).

We also have the future meth lab develop, albeit problems. And, of course, we have Hector regain consciousness to the point at which we know him in Breaking Bad. And then we get the scene, in Gus' lovely kitchen, where bhe and the doctor discuss Hector... and he makes it clear, with a subtle sadistic grin, that he wants treatment to end here, and we know why: Hector's body is a prison, he's fully conscious, and his life is a living Hell.

It's a dark episode. Jimmy has an unfortuate run-in with a pretty damn reasonable and upstanding cop, with Huell ending up assaulting a police officer. Jimmy is not yet reinstated... although we get to see him picking a location for, surely, the premises we know from Breaking Bad, with an office which Jimmy works out will be smaller than Kim's. Ouch.

Awkwardly, it falls to Kim, in denial about the fact she's channeling her inner Jimmy, who needs to wheel and deal and help Huell. We end on an intriguing bit of uncertainty. This is a fascinating dark episode. But not a happy one.

Visitor Q (2001)

 "What do you think of such wonderful bullying?"

Oh my. I knew this film would be weird, and I knew it would be disturbing. But I didn't expect... this. So many things I can't even directly allude to. Let's just say there's incest, violence, drug abuse, rape, murder, and milk. Lots of milk. In quantities requiring an umbrella...

The film is very interestingly shot, with a hand-held camera, deliberately given a grainy, low budget look. It's a very deadpan dark comedy, amusing us at times while making us uncomfortable about our amusement. It belongs, I suppose, to a genre where a dysfunctional family is visited by a stranger who patiently "fixes" their problems sothat, as the film ends, the family are happy and united in their extremely twisted way.

The father, mother, son and daughter all do morally repugnant things, but it is the neglect of the salaryman father that is clearly the root cause, filming life instead of living it and accepting his responsibilities. His sexual problems are a metaphor for this. He ignores his son's abuse of his wife, and passively films his own son's bullying. Only a renewed bonding with his wife, in the most twisted circumstances possible, leads to the moment of catharsis as the couple briefly pause their dismemberment of a woman's body to chop the bullies to pieces. Ah,it warms your heart, doesn't it?

There's clearly a subtext here, and a view is being expressed about the percieved woes of Japan. Perhaps one theme is about what it means to be a man- to have integrity, to be a decent husband and father. Twisted though the film is, it makes one think. A worthwhile film, then... but watch it at your peril.

Antony and Cleopatra (1972)

 "I must from this enchanting queen break off..."

I've read Antony and Cleopatra, but this is my first time seeing a production on either stage or screen. The play is, of course, magnificent, as are all of Shakespeare's later tragedies. It is at once a love story and a tale of politics at its most raw and brutal, with legendary characters including the young Octavian Ceasar, played superbly by John Castle as an upright, disciplined young man, exemplifying all that Rome stands for and who very much feels like a younger version of the future Augustus.

This is also a play about two worlds- masculine, martial, relatively puritan Rome versus the feminine weakness and decadence of Egypt and the east... yes, that dodgy trope is old indeed. But one can't deny it's handled well here by the Warwickshire lad.

The film is nicely shot, by Charlton Heston himself, on location in Spain. Half the cast are Spaniards, yet to their credit you wouldn't notice. This may not be right up there with the greats of cinematic Shakespeare, but there's little to criticise... although, superb though Roger Delgado may be as the soothsayer (sadly, one of his last roles), one has to wince at the obvious brownface.

Hildegard Neil is very good as Cleopatra, but Heston is magnificent as Antony, a difficult role. Yet he handles the duality of the character with aplomb, believable both as the great Roman general and the besotted lover of Cleopatra. This is a truly excellent film, one of surprisingly few screen versions of the play.

Batman: Poison Peril

 "Oh Bruce... you're impossible!"

The cliffhanger is soon resolved by, er, simply having the plane crash into the ground but with Batman and Robin both surviving. Ok then. This is how they're playing it.

The plot thread with the Japanese submarine and plane plans is abruptly and hliariously dropped at this point as we move towards a radium mine and prospector, one Ken Colton, introduced in some exposition as Linda visits. I can't for the life of me see why this working girl should be interested in the apparently flaky, lazy, unreliable Bruce Wayne... oh, yes. The money.

There's an obligatory seqyence in which a henchman suggests that Bruce and the Batman must be "one and the same". a phrase which only ever comes up in the context of superhero secret identities, but Daka says that "That simpering idiot could never be the Batman".

We then have some bugging of Bruce's front room, some exposition, and Daka now knows that Colton has a claim to a, er, radium mine, the most 1940s movie serial concept ever. So Alfred, ever the comic foil, is made to dress up as Colton as a decoy only for Batman and Robin to spiring into action when he starts to be roughed up. Hmmm... surely the baddies would realise that the only way they could have found out about their plan was from finding the bug, which makes their secret identities rather obvious.

Never mind. Nice explosive cliffhanger here...

What If... Kahhori Reshaped the World?

 "Welcome to the New World..."

This, motre than any other episode, has only the most tangential relationship to the rest of the MCU. The conceit is that Surtur destroyed Asgard long ago, and the Tesseract ended up in Mohawk lands, roughly northern New York State and southern Ontario to us. Yet this is a superb piece of television.,

There's a forbidden lake, and a hidden world, a place of paradise, plenty, immortality and, perhaps, a little too much ease. Meanwhile, in "our" world, there are Conquistadors, as terrifying as any monster. I've just looked up the history, and Isabella of Castile died in 1504, a little early for contact with the Mohawk, who presumably lie quite far inland for a time when Columbus had only just found the West Indies... but no matter. This is wonderful stuff. 

There's a deep subtext here. Colonialism, obviously. The greed of the Spaniards versus the wiser attitudes of the Mohawk, with Kahhori's confrontation of Isabella being deeply satisfying. The amazing land beyond the lake, reduced by the Spaniards to a mere "Fountain of Youth". The fruit hunt. We have wonder side by side with real darkness. This episode is a thing of beauty.

Assignment to Kill (1968)

 "I'm just calling to say I loathe and despise you and everything you stand for, and what time are you taking me to dinner tonight?"

At first this little film seems to be ripping off James Bond, what with its vague spy theme, its protagonist's great chemistry with the female lead and love interest, and the time it was made, I suppose. But instead it's something very different and, despite the at times pedestrian direction and the low wattage of its stars- although Herbert Lom and John Gielgud, both excellent, provide some heft- very good indeed.

Patrick O'Neal plays Cutter, an investigator of fraudulent insurance claims who finds himself in Zurich and a web of rather deadly intrigue. There he meets Dominique, with whom he establishes a rather delightful little romantic rapport with lots of Steed-and-Mrs-Peel type wit between the two of them. O'Neal is fine, but Joan Hackett is utterly superb.

Great though the characters are, though, this is a clever, complex thriller which has a highly satisfying ending, fully paying off all the intricate twists and turns. And yet, despite the film being essentially a puzzle box, at no point is it difficult to follow and the characters, wthin the limits of the genre, feel like real people.

And it's a real revelation seeing John Gielgud as a crime lord.

This is an odd little film with B list actors for its stars, but the script and most of the performances are superb, and the location of Zurich and the Swiss Alps is perfect. Highly recommended.

Foundation and Earth by Isaac Asimov

 Like Robots and Empire, this novel can very much be seen as continuity-driven, tying up loose ends in what Asimov has decided to make a single universe of Foundation, Robot and Empire novels and stories. In a sense, it's a kind of self-fanwank. It just so happens to simultaneously be a bloody superb novel. You'll noticed I read it rather quickly after my last Asimov despite working full time and having rather a lot going on. This novel is a Class A substance. It's dangerously addictive. You have been warned.

Part of the reason it's so damn satisfying, of course, is the fanwank. Everything is resooved- where the Solarians went; what happened to Earth; why Galaxia is necessary; why women seem to find the rather annoying Golan Trevise so damn irresistible. You can tell that Asimov, in his sixties, is rather enjoying being able to reflect in his writing some rather more relaxed sexual mores than he would have known in his youth.

The ideas are not so central as earlier novels, perhaps, but they are there. The society of Solaria reaches its logical extreme.And there are thrilling moments- Comporellon is Baleyworld! Aurora has literally gone to the dogs! And on the Moon is... ah yes.

This ties everything up rather neatly. I'll get round to the other Asimov novels eventually but for now, I think, I'll diversify my diet. But this novel, while obviously not self-contained and with a lot of required pre-reading, is a real joy.

What if... Captain Carter fought the Hydra Stomper

 "I don't do sequels... normally."

And I thought last episode was good.

This one is simply outstanding. It helps, of course, that it's a sequel to one of last season's standout episodes and benefits from the powerfully tragic love story where Peggy and Steve, although deeply in love, can never be together on account of the small problem of him being the Hydra Stomper, never helpful to true love.

This gives the episode a nice bit of depth and character, but the whole thing oozes class, with excellent characterisation. The close friendshop between Peggy and Natasha Romanov feels real and nuanced. It's great seeing Peggy as out-of-time in the present day, just like the Steve of "our" world. It's nice to see a Bucky Barnes who has remained living and grown old. And, yeah, that ersatz American town in Sokovia is magnificent nightmare fuel.

Also, what an ending. Is this a version of Neil Gaiman's 1602 graphic novel? I look forward to it. The finale, I assume?

Batman: The Living Corpse

 "Stop! Behind you! The Batman!"

This being a movie serial, with fifteen likely interminable episodes of set pieces and probable further racism, this instalment sees the plot, such as it is, suddenly changed without warning. Both Batman and Daka are given new missions.

For Batman, it's a letter from Uncle Sam, in invisible ink, sending him on a secret mission to protect a plane against dastardly agents of Imperial Japan. It's a nice little spy scene with a bit of comic relief for Alfred. But the minions of Tojo in Tokyo get their message to Dr Daka by more... unusual means. A coffin is delivered to a beach, with a corpse inside, dressed as a Japanese soldier. Said soldier is briefly brought to life in a scene literally ripping off James Whale's Frankenstein, and the revived corpse proceeds to deliver his verbal message and promptly snuff it again. Dialogue makes it clear that, being the oriental type, he's only too happy to die for the Emperor in place of, you know, just using invisible ink or many other methods...

Racism aside, and to be fair we've seen much worse in this serial, the episode ends with a nice little action set piece on a place, with our heroes engaging in fisticuffs as their plane is shot down by friendly fire. On and on we go...

What If... Iron Man Crashed into the Grandmaster?

 "Take that, vile asparagus woman."

This is, quite simply, one of the best episodes of What If I've seen thus far, perhaps the best. Given the design of one of the "chariots", I think we're supposed to notice an allusion to the pod race in Star Wars: The Phantom Menace. I prefer to see this as a particularly good episodfe of Wacky Races.

It's not just the simple but awesome ploty, it's the incredibly witty script. It's Jeff Goldblum's absoluteky splendid scenery chewing as the Grandmaster, a tyrant who gets a kinky thrill, after trying to cheart at the end, from the sensation of being melted. It's the fact that both Valkyrie and Gamora get some good character development that riffs on what happens in the actual films. It's the sheer horror of a grand prix that's an actual health and safety nightmare. Plus, Iron Man and Korg are one of those double acts that absolutely had to happen in some way or other.

Oh, and Mick Wingert almost convinces as Robert Downey Jr. I'm impressed. This episode will be rather hard to top.

Fool Me Once: Episode 8

 "Oh noooo!"

And so it ends, as any good melodrama should, with a proper full-on confrontation between Maya and the Burketts, in which- of course- she is shot and killed. As we established last episode, protagonist she may be, but she's a war criminal. Karma demands she die. But she dies for a purpose, with the livestream and killing livestreamed by Corey. It's a neat way to end.

There's a lot of non-linear filling in of gaps, as we flash back to Joe's mudder of Claire, Maya's killing of Joe, the revelations that Joe murdered... well, everybody else who has died during the course of the series.And Kierce, no longer a cop, gets his own revenge, of sorts, by letting Maya go and confront the Burketts.

I'm not sure what purpose the coda accomplishes, other than to establish that Kierce in fact goes on to survive for many years. There's the full circle thing of Lily's baby being called Maya but, well, that's a bit superficial. Still, all in all, this is a highly satisfactory end to a highly satisfactory melodrama.

Robots and Empire by Isaac Asimov

I've said before that I used to see Isaac Asimov's 1980s novels as being, while highly enjoyable, essentially as a kind of self-fanfiction in relation to his novels of decades before, with Asimov focusing more on continuity than concepts. That was my original impression, back when I first read these novels thirty (ouch!) years ago. With Second Foundation and The Robots of Dawn, however, in this rereading at least, I haven't found this to be the case at all.

Well... perhaps third time is the charm. Spoler alert: you have been warned... but I find this novel seems to exist in order to fill a continuity gap. It serves to explain how the Settlers would ultimately come to eclipse the Spacers without being destroyed by them. It explains how Earth becomes radioactive, in order to fit the continuity of (if I recall correctly) The Currents of Space. So, for once, Isaac Asimov would appear to be guilty as charged, convicted of self-fanfiction.

And yet... does this make any difference to the actual quality of the book? Well... no. It's full of engaging and original ideas. The philosophical conversations between Daneel and Giskard, in which they come up with the concept of the "Zeroth Law" are fascinating. And the ending, while I predicted it slightly in advance, is clever: the Aurorans' plot to make Earth radioactive, and thus uninhabitable over time, serves not to undermine the Settlers but to spur them on, removing the umbilical cord that was holding them back.

It must also be said that, despite the fact that no one reads the novels of Asimov, all of which are novels of ideas, for his characters, the development of Gladia as a character is highly satisfying here. Beginning the novel as a decadent, long-lived Spacer who is just waiting for death, she finds renewed purpose, meaning and, indeed, love amongst the Settlers.

I'm running out of Asimov novels. That's a truly scary thought.

Fool Me Once: Episode 7

 "You're not fit for work, Kierce."

"No, I'n not."

Wow, That final bombshell in thedying seconds of the episode has left me reeling.

It's not the only bombshell to explode in this deeply satisfying penultimate episode, of course. We realise the cause of Kierce's blackouts... and it's the Birketts' fault. We learn what really happened to get Maya dismissed from the army. We learn how Maya came to see Joe on the "nannycam". Oh, and we learn what happened to Theo and Andrew all those years ago... teenage Joe murdered them both. Lovely.

Most mind-blowing of all, last few seconds excepted, is that the person we thought was Kierce's AA cult counsellor (less dodgy addiction treatment is available) was always a hallucination of his late wife, in a devilishly clever bit of misdirection.

It is, as ever, all about the revelations: this is a melodrama and doesn't pretend to be more. But there's nothing wrong with that, and this is a melodrama of the first rank. Both Michelle Keegan and Adeel Akhtar are deeply impressive. They even say "lift" and use the proper British version where Kierce reads Corey his rights. Shame about "Get in the trunk"...

The Alphabet Murders (1965)

 "A A, eh?"

This is, I believe, by the creative team behind the Miss Marple films starring Margaret Rutherford who, indeed, gets an odd little cameo here. I'm told they're very good films, if apparently not particularly faithful to the novels. I intend to give them a chance. That is, despite the fact that this film is utterly unwatchable.

I'm not at all surprised that Agatha Christie herself loathed this film. It is rather difficult not to. I can't remember the novel (The ABC Murders)- it's been at least thirty years or more since the one and only time I read it. I read many, many of Mrs Christie's works in early puberty but rather went off her by my mid-teens. Still, I've no doubt that this is a far from faithful adaptation, not least because it scarcely pretends to be a whodunit. It is, rather, an embarrassingly unfunny attempt at "comedy".

It's trying to be a farce. A good farce is, of course, a very clever thing indeed. This is not. The cast, from the awful Tony Randall, surely the worst ever Hercule Poirot, with his ever-shifting accent, in one of the most cringeworthy leading roles ever, to a shockingly awful Robert Morley as an unrecognisable Captain Hastings, is either bloody awful or quite sensibly phoning it in for the money as there's no point doing otherwise for a script like this.

We get unfunny "comedy" setvpieces, one after another, and soooo much smoking.We get Anita Ekberg playing, well, the kind of tall blonde unattainable woman she invariably plays. We get a bit of psychological mumbo-jumbo. And we have a very unfunny conclusion in a train. And at no point is any of it remotely entertaining.

Be warned: ninety minutes of your one and only life are far too precious to waste on this drivel.