Batman: The Cat's Meow & The Bat’s Kow Tow

The Cat’s Meow

“Oh, nonsense, Chief O’Hara. I know a reformed woman when I see one.”

Oh my. Catwoman is back, so let there be much rejoicing... and this two parter is utterly, spendidly bonkers, Let's just examine what it's about:

• Catwoman has some sort of MacGuffin thingy that can steal people's voices.
• Commissioner Gordon and Chief O'Hara foolishly believe Catwoman to have reformed because, essentially, they're hopelessly naive and she's flirty with them. Then again, she is rather delectable.
• Her plot involves a singing duo called Chad and Jeremy, who play themselves. I've never heard of them, but a little light Googling tells me that, while a one hit wonder here in their native UK, they had loads of hits in America. Blimey. I love their witty, Ringo-like press conference, and their confession to Aunt Harriet that they are only being pop stars so they can become brain surgeons and fancy lawyers.
• Once again Julie Newmar is superb- she's really perfected Catwoman's mannerisms, and once again gets to play her in another amusing disguise, this time a dance teacher. 
• The cliffhanger is essentially a version of Chinese water torture intended to turn Batman and Robin into mindless sex slaves.

There's a reason why I've come to see the name of Stanley Ralph Ross as the harbinger of what is likely to be a superior script. All this is utterly doo-lally. I love it.


The Bat’s Kow Tow

“A bit on the groovy side, aren't they?"

The cliffhanger resolution- finding the right note to shatter the glass in the echo chamber- is hilarious. So is Catwoman's stealing Chad and Jeremy's voices to blackmail us in Blighty, on the grounds that they pay so much income tax our "Empire" would collapse, taking the world economy with it. Even funnier is Batman's lengthy explanation of the economic consequences if Catwoman stealing the voices of everybody in the whole world.

And then we have the British consulate, and the delightfully stereotypical Sir Sterling Habits, who answers a phone call from back home with "Oh, Harold, how are you?". I'm loving every minute of this episode- and then we get the final scrap, and the exquisite flirting and near-kiss as Batman nicks Catwoman. The chemistry between the two of them is electric- I love how pleased she is when he describes her scheme as "one of your best".

None of the above has anything to do with cats. I don't care. Much more Catwoman please.

Kyuss- Welcome to Sky Valley (1994)

These days I love the genre known as "stoner rock", despite, as George W. Bush would have put it, not having imbibed any of the substance associated with it at any time during the last fifteen years. However, Kyuss are generally understood to have been one of the first bands associated with the genre, plus its line-up included a young Josh Homme, so it's a good band for rock family trees.

However, in the mid-'90s it was just another rock band that me and my mates like, and we didn't really see it in that context but listened to it in the same way we'd listen to Therapy? or the Wildhearts. It was always clear that it owed as much to punk as metal, and that it can also be seen as a fairly standard example of good '80s heavy rock in terms of its guitar sound.

However... thev production is different, ethereal, trippy. And this '90s rock sound happens within a structure which is very much not just verse-chorus-rinse-repeat. This, like all Kyuss albums, is not so much a collection of songs as a soundscape. And it is, in case I haven't made it clear, bloody good.

Batman: The Penguin’s Nest & The Bird’s Last Jest

The Penguin’s Nest

“Citizen, you may return to your harpsichord.”

With Frank Gorshin's Riddler suspiciously absent since the movie (a dispute over money?) it's clear by now, I think, that Burgess Meredith's Penguin is the cream of the remaining criminal crop. Catwoman has equal promise, but has only actully appeared twice in the TV series thus far and not really built up a head of steam, and Cesar Romero's Joker is not really in the same class. A script like this, penned by the splendid Lorenzo Semple Jr, only reinforces the Penguin's primacy.

The conceit is fun: the recently released Penguin is running a restaurant for the rich, but suddenly seems suspiciously keen to get arrested and sent to prison- a concept successfully mined for comic potential as a custard pie is thrown at the Commissioner- Neil Hamilton really is a superb comic actor, as I've been extremely remiss in saying. The scene with the Commissioner phoning "Batman" with Bruce in the next cubicle is equally hilarious.

Batman's eventual solution is funny, too- to arrest him on a petty offence and send him only to the police cells, an insult. But soon his plot becomes clear- a complicated forgery scheme with the forger neighbour to his permanent(!) cell. But the most priceless moment is where Warden Crichton tells Batman that inmates can easily access blank cheques to increase their financial skills- "Another first. Another one of your advanced penological techniques".

The cliffhanger is a little vague and overcomplicated. But still a superb episode.

The Bird’s Last Jest

“What about the underprivileged criminals..?”

So the cliffhanger resolution is... the Batshield and reversing the polarity of the cables. Hmm. Never mind, soo the Penguin's gang are all arrested and we have a very silly courtroom scene where Penguin quotes Emile Zola (I'm constantly impressed with the cultural references- you wouldn't get that on a similar show today) and gets himself released through verbal cleverness... but not to prison, as he so desperately wants.

So Alfred gets another secret mission with a forger's fingerprints hand painted by Batman. Apparently fingerprints can be forged this was but criminals never have a sufficiently steady hand as they are all "addicted to tobacco and alcohol". I love that.

The ending, with Alfred in a pie, is delightfully barmy with some typically absurd switching between the Caped Crusaders and their secret identities... and the conclusion is hilrious, with Penguin's forger friend being paroled as he heads to prion. A splendid pair of episodes.

Joy Division- Unknown Pleasures (1979)

It’s not exactly true to say that this band, and this album came from nowhere- one obvious influence, for a start, is that infamous Sex Pistols gig in the Manchester Free Trade Hall which, if everyone who claims to have seen it is to be believed, had an audience in the tens of thousands. There’s also the matter of the band’s name, the provocative nature and historical associations of which we tend to downplay.

But two things are undeniable: this album is truly great, and it sounds completely unlike anything before it. The songwriting, the production by Martin Hannett, the ethereal yet earthy melancholy voice of Ian Curtis- it all goes towards producing an extraordinary thirty-eight minute soundscape that is extraordinary art as a whole. For this album, picking out individual songs feels as though it would be to entirely miss the point.

There’s another echo within this album, of course- Ian Curtis’ suicide in May 1980 at just twenty-three, at a time, and in a rock ‘n’ roll milieu, when such events were essentially seen as tragically glamorous rather than a mental health emergency. But it is a tragedy that inevitably imprints itself on an album so indelibly and beautifully haunted by Curtis’ voice in deeply uncomfortable ways.

Unknown Pleasures is a complex and multifaceted beast. It’s also one of the greatest albums of all time.

Star Wars: The Phantom Menace (1999)

“I have a bad feeling about this...”

This is the first time I’ve seen this since I saw it at a now long-gone cinema in 1999, and went for a wee during the pod race scene. My twenty-two year old self was not impressed, but this time I was determined to watch with an open mind. So, is this film’s poor reputation deserved?

Well, on a second viewing two decades later the film is perhaps maligned a little more than it should be: it’s not that bad, and has its good points. But the fact remains that, aside from the effortlessly cool Liam Neeson as Qui-Hon Jinn, none of the main characters are particularly memorable, or at least not for the right reasons. Ewan McGregor is a charismatic actor in other stuff, but hopelessly miscast (or misdirected) here as Obi-Wan; in channelling Alec Guineas he fails to just be the character. Jake Lloyd was never going to win any Oscars for this, but he's a child actor. However... Jar Jar Binks? Just no.

The film starts in an uplifting manner with those opening titles, but then the blurb refers to “the taxation of trade routes”. The film has a decent plot- the Republic is declining so Palpatine uses a dispute with his pawns in the Trade Federation to start seizing power by manipulating all and sundry- but it’s just so damn slow. And George Lucas is as awful at dialogue as he ever was, although there are a few genuinely witty lines.

Still, it's not all bad- although this is clearly set in the Star Wars universe it's notable, having watched this straight after The Mandalorian that there are notable fewer Easter Eggs and fan-pleasing moments. Star Wars is still trying to do new stuff here. Also, the effects are awesome. Coruscant is cool as a kind of Trantor-like city planet. The CGI- especially with the sea monsters- is excellent and groundbreaking for 1999. I like Anakin's role at the end, paralleling Luke in Star Wars- although it's perhaps a little convenient for him to have designed C-3PO.

Oh, and the virgin birth is a terrible and pretentious idea. So is that of the Midichlorians, although on reflection this isn't quite as awful; the microbial nature of the Force doesn't make it any less magic. Still, the film isn't all that awful, and aside from the pod race and the ending it doesn't drag that much. But "not all that awful" is as far as I'm prepared to go.

The Mandalorian: Chapter 1- The Mandalorian

“Is it true that you guys never take off your helmets?"

It's here, at last. Disney Plus has reached the UK which, aside from a bunch of Star Wars films I need to belatedly blog, means the arrival of a certain acclaimed series, the title of which my inner voice always renders in the tune of The Pixies' "My Veloria(n)". And yes, you're welcome to that earworm.

I recall surprisingly little of Mandalorians. I know Boba Fett well from the original trilogy, and I recall that, at some point in the prequels (which I'll be blogging soon), he gets retconned as a clone with a Kiwi accent. That's it. I'm a Star Wars fan, but not an uber-hardcore one.

But I'm enough of a fan to notice all the many Easter Eggs, from the wipes between scenes taken from Akira Kurosawa via George Lucas to Salacious Crumb in a cage via all the many familiar alien races and tech- and an environment that, despite the preponderance of CGI,  just feels like Star Wars- starting with the hive of scum and villainy in which we first meet our eponymous Mandalorian, acquiring and delivering his quarry to an employer who turns out to be played by none other than Carl Weathers, the first of two legendary septuagenarians to appear in this first episode.

It's both brave and interesting to have an amoral bounty hunter protagonist who isn't particularly talkative, and whose depths as a character will be left to unfold slowly- and that's even before we get to the fact that, like Judge Dredd, he never removes his helmet.

The tone isn't unrelentingly grim and gritty, though- this is Star Wars. So we get the mystery of who is the Mandalorian's new employer and his hired former Imperial Stormtroopers- said employer played, bizarrely by auteur Bavarian director Werner Herzog- and his elliptically discussed target. We get Taika Waititi as IG-11, a superbly animated CGI version of IG-88 from all our Kenner plastic figure childhoods. We get the physical comedy of our protagonist trying to ride a Blurgg- a female one, of course, as he males are always eaten during mating.

Intriguingly, too, we get some back story- our hero is paid in Biskar, a substance which he gives to a Mandalorian woman who seems to be an armourer for unspecified but perhaps ritual purposes that hint at a forgotten history and culture, no doubt to be explored further. We even get teasing flashbacks.

We end with a sadly much-spoiled revelation that the target is a cute baby Yoda. This may be thirty-eight minutes of pure fan service, with the carbonite and the land speeders, but it's bloody good fan service. I'm already hooked.

Can- Tago Mago (1971)

This was the first "Krautrock" album I ever heard, in my early- to mid- twenties. Anything with a whiff of "prog" I still considered verboten at that stage. But "Krautrock" was fine, pretty much on the grounds that John Lydon liked it. Fortunately, over the last eighteen years or so, while far from an expert I've explored the whole genre a bit more.

Anyway, this album is awesome- sounds good, goes well over my head so never gets boring, and is a very specifically weird soundscape that somehow evokes its era. It's also bloody long. But it is, I think, the best introduction to Can and, perhaps, the best introduction to "Krautrock", which we probably shouldn't be calling this. If you like this album, feel free to explore more Can, plus stuff by Faust, Popol Vuh, Ash Ra Tempel and Amon Duul II. Some, all or most of these bands are from Dusseldorf which, I'm told, is Germany's answer to Wolverhampton. Shudder.

Rush- 2112 (1976)

For years I resisted anything that had the slightest whiff of "prog"- after all, my mental image of the genre as I understood it was Jethro Tull doing silly bollocks with flutes and Rick Wakeman faffing about pretentiously with ostentatious keyboards. More to the point, this was the dragon punk was supposed to have slain, and thereby saved us all.

What's more, the main thing I knew about Rush before I started properly listening to them was that drummer Neil Peart, while extremely talented, was once an acolyte of the loathsome Ayn Rand, whose half-baked books are sadly devoured by morons to this day. He disavowed such youthful folly decades ago, of course, but sadly this album manages the awkward combination of being a superb artistic achievement with propagandising Objectivism and, while I cannot dispute the band's freedom of speech- I abhor censorship except, as put by John Stuart Mill (a proper political philosopher unlike the very stupid Rand), where it is tantamount to shouting "fire" in a crowded building where there is no such conflagration- neither can I get myself to like this album, much as I have to admit it's very good- and I certainly find it easy to like other albums by Rush.

I must admit, though, that my youthful prejudices against “prog” were, well, lacking nuance. Rush, for example, are not Yes. This is straight head rock music which, while hardly composed of three words, has excellent song structure and is not that different from a lot of “post punk”.

Perhaps soon I’ll blog a Rush album that isn’t in large part about morally repugnant right wing bollocks...

Batman: Come Back Shame & It's How You Play the Game

Come Back Shame

"Moo."

Shame is, I think, the last of the truly iconic villains created for the TV series to appear, and first impressions of both Cliff Robertson and the character are very good indeed- he comes across as a menacing Western baddie from a real Western, but then this is the USA in 1966, when the Western was alive, well and popular both at the pictures and on the telly. There may well be silly henchmen (I like Messy James), but Shame himself is a surprisingly serious and dangerous character- his indulgence of little Andy is almost necessary to prevent the character from being too menacing.

It's back to a very formulaic opening few scenes again- there's only so many times you can mess with the format- this time with Bruce and Dick first seen playing Scalextric- then less than a decade old. It's appropriate to the racing car theme as Shame and his gang seek to steal parts for the ultimate getaway car to use in their main caper. The whole conceit makes for a splendidly exciting episode, with the first appearance of the Batcycle in some time. It's just a pity we have to see the bloody Alf-cycle again.

The fight, in a proper saloon bar, is awesome, with many tropes of fights from Western fisticuffs including using the full length of the bar for throwing one's assailant. And the cliffhanger, with the Dynamic Duo about to be trampled by cows, is a cut above most.

It's becoming decidedly apparent that Stanley Ralph Ross's name generally means a particularly good script.


It's How You Play the Game

"I knew he'd think I'd think he'd think I'd think he'd come back here."

The cliffhanger resolution is a bit pants, I suppose, but it's nevertheless fine by me on the grounds that it has Batman removing his cape and being a matador, providing some fun facts as a bonus. He gets an "ole" from Robin, and rightly so.

Also enjoyable are the splendidly stereotypical used car salesman and Cliff Robertson continuing to be awesome as Shame, a truly memorable villain. It's surprising that his ambitions go no higher than $1.2 million in, er cattle, but he is a cowboy, after all.

This week's wndo guest is some baddie from Hogan's Heroes, not a show that ever really crossed the Atlantic, but I sort of love how they brazenly ignore the fact that he's a) a Nazi and b) from a different time period. We also have a splendid shootout in a magnificent set, the "KO Corrall", and no doubt a thousand Western allusions I'm not getting.

The two parter is an utter triumph, and so is Shame as a character.

Coronavirus update

Blogging may be slightly less frequent during the week for the foreseeable future as I'm trying to combine working from home full time (I'm not so much in the front line, more in a chateau located some miles behind the trenches, but the work I do can't stop), looking after a disabled wife and home schooling a five year old.

Bear with me and I'll blog as much as I can!

Batman: Marsha, Queen of Diamonds & Marsha’s Scheme with Diamonds

Marsha, Queen of Diamonds

"Batman's never rude to a lady, Marsha. But you're no lady."

Phew. After yesterday's blog turning out to be a bit of a spanking, I'm relieved to say that this two-parter, with guest villainess Morticia from The Addams Family, is absolutely marvellous. A top notch baddie helps, of course, as do the legendary Estelle Winwood as the magnificent Aunt Hilda and even the chief henchman played by Woody Strode himself but, as ever with the best episode, the star is the script.

Yes, there's a somewhat dated and definitely pre-feminist take on the sexes here, but it's done with humour and tongue in cheek. And this script is creative- altering the formula to show the Dynamic Duo already in costume when we see them, for the first time ever, and showing us a baddie who gets what she wants via love potions concocted by her aunt, a witch and ex-chemistry professor, who has a bubbling cauldron. This is all such fun and, although it relies on gender stereotypes which are certainly sexist, its charm wins you over, a bit like one of Cupid's darts here.

It's fun to see both O'Hara and Commissioner Gordon fall under Marsha's spell, as well as the stereotypically Irish names of all the cops. Adam West shows superb acting in resisting the potion, while the cliffhanger is a genuinely refreshing change, with Batan about to publicly marry Marsha. Yes, this is probably a somewhat sexist metaphor for the trope of crafty women ensnaring innocent blokes in marriage, but I love it.


Marsha’s Scheme with Diamonds 

"Take it from me- when you've seen one Batcave, you've seen them all."

The cliffhanger resolution is at once clever, funny, and makes good use both of Alfred and of Aunt Harriett- although it's amusing to note that it must be '60s America, where every Englishman is from Liverpool. What's not to love? And then there's the hilarious scene where Comminssioner Gordon and O'Hara wonder what to tell their wives.

Best of all is the clever bit of humorous misdirection with the toad Batman and toad Robin at the end. And yes, I know I excoriated last week's episode for its absurd reliance on fantastical elements, but note how restrained this is: none of Aunt Hilda's more outlandish potions actually work, and the misirection at the end is just a wink at the fourth wall. This is a perfect example of how far you can stretch the fantastic in Batman.

Wonderful. Yes, this is light on action but every minute is a joy.More Marsha please.

Batman: The Impractical Joker & The Joker's Provokers

The Impractical Joker

"I can always think up a bit of a taradiddle."

Oh dear. I'm afraid this two-parter with the Joker's first appearance this season is completely bloody awful, the absolute nadir of the series so far. Still, most of the really egregious stuff happens in the second part: this first episode, while not particularly witty or standing out much, is at least a mildly diverting if unremarkable episode of Batman.

There are some warning signs, though- the comedy Scotsman with the kilt, sporran and outrageously bad accent is one thing, but the Dynamic Duo being foiled by a box and some hypnotism hardly makes them look very good, as the script pretty much admits. And the Joker is again giving out clues as though he were the Riddler- in fact, he comes across more as silly, capricious and childish than as a dangerous criminal here. And the whole episode is more of a series of vaguely key-related set pieces than a plot. If that had been done with any wit or cleverness it wouldn't matter, but I fear that it wasn't and it does.

I liked the cheeky shout-out to The Green Hornet, mind (same channel), but by the time we get to the over-complex cliffhanger we're hoping things will improve in the second episode. Will they?

(Interestingly, said silly deathtrap features vices. I knew that this word was often spelled "vise" in the USA but the Joker pronounced the word with the soft "s". Is this the norm for Americans? If so, I was entirely unaware.)


The Joker's Provokers

"There should be more fine, upstanding men like the Joker."

Er, no they won't. In fact, this episode dives right over a cliff as soon as we get that fantastical nonsense with the Joker manipulating time. This is bollocks for two reasons. Firstly, while Batman occasionally tips slightly into science fiction (see the character of Mr. Freeze), the emphasis should be on slightly. This type of outright magic (the Joker's description of what his magic box is made of is utterly ridiculous) just undermines what is essentially a programme rooted in the real world, albeit one that often does violence to the fourth wall.

Secondly, though, and mire importantly... the Joker has the power to control of time itself. The possibilities make the mind reel. Yet he uses it to.... extort $10 million from Gotham City. Really?

Just as bad is the cringe-worthy use of Alfred. Yes, it's always good to see him getting involved in crime fighting, but... the Alf-cycle? And his nightwatchman identical cousin (bet that's a TV Trope) Egbert, who speaks with an awful but vaguely proletarian accent is arse-clenching to watch, especially given that his dialogue is clearly written to evoke a blue collar American.

This a shockingly bad story, and all the more so for the rarity of this kind of misfire. Let's hope the Joker gets more respect from future scripts.

The Professor and the Madman (2019)

"When I read, no one is after me."

This is, while not entirely without verging into sentiment at times, an extraordinary film. The real life events it depicts are themselves extraordinary, of course: Dr James Murray, editor of the Oxford English Dictionary, strikes up an extraordinary friendship with Dr William Minor- surgeon, veteran of the Union Army, erudite gentleman, paranoid schizophrenic and murderer- as Minor makes an enormous scholarly contribution.

Those facts alone are remarkable, and remain so in fictionalised form. But the film has more to it than that- the snobbery endured by Murray, of humble origins in the Scottish Borders; the tension between being with one's family and working to provide for them; the treatment of personality disorders; love; justice; friendship. Most of all it deals with the huge theme of redemption, with a sensitively written  and performed subplot in which the widow of the murdered man slowly comes to forgive and indeed love Minor.

The emotional depths, which are profound although excessively sentimental at times, are helped by a nicely structured script and outstanding performances from Sean Penn and Natalie Dormer, That wanker Laurence Fox is sadly in it but, happily, he plays a very hissable baddie.

This is well worth watching and, without a doubt, the finest film featuring a man cutting off his own penis I have ever seen.

Atypical: Searching for Brown Sugar Man

“Someone wants to buy my canoe!”

Wow. What a finale. What an ending. What a bromance.

I think we can say that most threads end on a note not of certainty, but of hope- because plot threads life never wrap up: life goes on until we die. So yes, Doug breaks up with Megan and returns to Elsa, and it looks like they’re intimate again- things look up, but we can’t be sure their marriage will survive. And Izzy, with her deprived and chaotic background and confusion about her sexuality, has the self-realisation to apologise to Casey. Their relationship looks hopeful, at least. And a nice chat with Evan means they part as friends- and it’s nice that, because of her, he’s getting somewhere in his life. Ironically, she accepts his advice which parallels hers to her long ago, and decided to push herself by trying for a sprint scholarship to UCLA. Even if she had to “drop the drama”. Like that’ll happen.

But the core of the episode is the race to find Zahid and stop him marrying Gretchen and jeopardising his future. It’s a fun adventure, interestingly involving Sam’s uni mate Abby- a more prominent character for the future? Gretchen turns out to have dumped him at the altar, and the reunion of the homies is touching. All is right with the world, to the point of Elvis blessing their refound homiedom and the two of them moving in together. It’s nice to see a close friendship being given the weight normally only given to a romance.

Things very much end on a high, with even Paige getting a better job and selling the canoe that symbolises her failure. It’s worrying that the series could potentially end here- let’s hope it doesn’t. This third season, after a slow start, has been easily as good as the first two. Top telly.

Atypical: Sam Takes a Walk

“I had sex so I’m not angry!”

The penultimate episode, then, and there are many character threads coming to the boil, I think more so than either previous season, yet this short episode does not feel overloaded.

Casey is still devastated after letting go of Evan. Sam is struggling with parallel feelings about being un-homied by Zahid, despite the fact that his relationship with Paige is going swimmingly. Again we have an art assignment- a piece of angry, political art- as a metaphor for the episode.

But much of the episode is about Elsa and Doug, away in a hotel to watch Casey with her athletics, finding themselves reconnecting with nostalgia over an old board game made by Sam as a child. Other developments are less promising- Izzy has dumped Evan for her, but Izzy seems to be getting nervous, wanting to “take it slow”. And Casey is shocked to see her kissing a boy at the party later. Things are as complicated, and no better, than they were. This is very good, nuanced writing.

Everything is up in the air, then. And, to link to an exciting finale, Sam learns that Zahid is off to elope with Gretchen on the day of his final nursing exam. Penultimate episodes don’t get much better than this.

Atypical: Road Rage Paige

"Sometimes there’s no good answer.”

Time to finish Atypical- at first we wanted to savour it and not let it finish as the new season won’t be for ages. But it’s been longer than we intended, and there’s a new streaming series we want to see next week. So here’s the first of the final three episodes in quick succession.

The start is cute and heartwarming, as Casey and Izzy kiss; Casey has finally realised her feelings are serious and, for once, she can put Evan out of her mind... and then along comes Evan’s sister to remind her of the awkward love triangle she finds herself in. And then things get tied up in knots even more as she arranges to meet Evan to dump him, but is hugely relieved to be spotted leaving the house at 2am and grounded by Doug, spared from having to do it. And it’s clear how much she’s beginning to compare herself to Elsa. Everything is a huge mess, and she’s really young.

Meanwhile there’s another difficult relationship, with Sam having been “un-homied” by an angry Zahid. At first we get a flashback to how their awesome friendship started... and they we are brutally brought back to the present. And it’s awful.

Then there’s Elsa and Doug, with Doug finding it difficult to accept Elsa’s decision to go for separation. And Paige is still feeling a failure after dropping out of university, something manifesting itself in hilarious road rage incidents. Fortunately Evan gives some sound advice to Sam and gets him to ask her what’s wrong... and when she pours out her heart he’s able to tell her, straightforwardly and truthfully, that he still loves her, and she knows he’s being honest. Never has his autism been more helpful. So, finally, they have sex, and it is good. That’s the one good thing that happens to anyone in this downbeat episode.

Unfortunately Evan is unable to be Sam’s new Zahid, though, as Casey has just tearfully dumped him in a gut-wrenching scene, and both of them are heartbroken. But Doug is made to realise that perhaps some of the blame for his and Elsa’s relationship breaking down is his.

This is just masterful writing and acting. Having started less strongly than other seasons this final stretch is more than making up for it.

Batman: Green Ice & Deep Freeze

Green Ice

"A reporter's lot is not easy-making exciting stories out of plain, everyday people like Robin and me..."

Mr Freeze is back, but this time he's been not only re-cast (as respected director Otto Preminger, none of whose films I've yet blogged, shamefully) but re-designed with a costume which more echoes the 1959 comic boom version as Mr Zero. And he's kidnapped Miss Iceland, naturally, from that not-so-feminist institution of a beauty contest. He then puts her in a cell and tells her she will learn to love him. Brr. Creepy.

It's a great episode for exciting set pieces, with the Commissioner and O'Hara frozen almost to death in Gordon's office. There's also yet another campaign to smear Batman, and yet another hostile female journalist. But the recycled plot threads are at least done with panache. And the cliffhanger- turning our heroes into frosty freezies (pineapple and lime) is splendidly absurd.


Deep Freeze

"Boo, Batman!"

The cliffhanger resolution is certainly a deliberate climax- our heroes find a tap inside! The smear campaign continues, and Mr Freeze's plan is revealed: to demand $1 billion (the biggest ransom demanded by any villain so far) or he'll freeze the whole city. This is proper sci-fi.

The resolution echoes that of Mr Freeze's previous story, but it's all entertaining enough. And Batman regains the faith of a contrite Commissioner Gordon who, it's fair to say, holds a bit of a candle for him. I wonder- is there any TV themes Batman/Commissioner Gordon filthy fanfic? I dare not look...

A fairly so-so two-parter, then, by Batman standards. But this is still both enormous fun and very watchable stuff. And next week we have the Joker- illustrated by a photograph which really accentuates Cesar Romero's moustache...

Batman: Hizzonner the Penguin & Dizzoner the Penguin

Hizzonner the Penguin

"No Robin, I want to conduct a campaign that deals with the issues. I'm convinced the American electorate is too mature to be taken in by cheap, vaudeville trickery. After all, if our national leaders were elected on the basis of tricky slogans, brass bands and pretty girls, our country would be in a terrible mess, wouldn't it?"

This episode may, after a few episodes fiddling with the standard formula, start in what by now is the traditional way, It may even, in its opening scene, be uncomfortable close to the plot of "The Penguin Goes Straight/Not Yet He Ain't". But none of that does matter. What does is that this is one of the finest pieces of political satire that I've ever seen, pitting Batman against the Penguin for the position of Gotham City mayor- and therefore issues vs. razzmatazz.

The Penguin's campaign is populist, one would almost be tempted to say Trumpian except that Penguin is merely corrupt rather than malevolent, with free champagne, copious baby kissing, lots of cheerful fun, and massive rallies with free champagne. He even has the real Paul Revere and the Raiders as his official band.Batman, meanwhile, speaks to tiny audiences droning on and on, offending voters by his refusal to kiss babies. Everything drips with gleeful satirical wit, and I love it. As Penguin says, "I can use all my slipperiest tricks, and now they're legal."

Dizzoner the Penguin

"I'm flattered, gentlemen, But I thought your party had a candidate for 1968?"

The cliffhanger resolution, following one of the coolest deathtraps ever, is a bit of a cheat: the Dynamic Duo have acid-proof costumes. Also a massive cheat, and enormous fun, is Penguin's splendidly devious behaviour during the television debate although, of course, he's not a patch on Trump. And, if Penguin wins, he plans to appoint the Riddler as commissioner and the Joker as police  chief...

Fortunately, Batman is right not to trust the polls, is elected mayor (he quickly hands over to Mayor Linseed, surely a bit dishonest?) and after the usual fight manages to defeat Penguin: we end with what again looks like a normal episode. But then we get the priceless ending, very topical, as both parties ask Batman to be their candidate for president- and the episode brilliantly predicts that a Vietnam-worn Lyndon Johnson will not be seeking re-election in 1968. Surely this is a contender, with its real satirical bite, for best two-parter ever.

Batman: The Devil's Fingers & The Dead Ringers

The Devil's Fingers

"The moment we've dreaded for years has arrived. This time, we're going to have to solve a case... ourselves..."

I am, to use a great understatement, not one for easy listening.  Give me Sunn O))) or Merzbow over anything "smooth" any day. Likewise, I'm not one for light entertainment as a whole. So, much as Liberace here is charismatic in two roles, a superb pianist, splendidly camp in an era where that was subversive, and is bloody good here, his world is not one I have any affinity for. I'm afraid I see the whole world of pre-rock 'n'roll popular music, from Frank Sinatra to Max Bygraves, as a dragon that desperately needed slaying. Yet, I'm told, these episodes of Batman were the most highly rated. This stuff was popular amongst people who hated rock music.

So I shouldn't like these episodes. I really shouldn't. Yet the on-form script by the returning Lorenzo Semple Jr, and a charismatic performance by a brilliant Liberace, have really won me over. I don't care about the silly twin brothers plot. What matters are the amusing details- most of all the comic genius of Neil Hamilton as he tries to cope with the fact that the Dynamic Duo are on holiday, ultimately resorting to pills before the Batphone rings. I'm also amused to see how Alfred, who a few episodes earlier claimed to be a Liverpudlian lad, now waxes lyrical about the Highland heathers of his childhood. Cue the bagpipes of doom, which seem to be the most fearful weapons of our baddies throughout.

Of course, Batman and Robin are on their hols at the start- in Dick's case hilariously wooing a young lady. This allows the other regulars more screen time and, as a bonus, allows the plot to progress a bit before the Dynamic Duo appear. There are amusingly subtle acknowledgements that Chandell may be a friend of Dorothy throughout, of course. In 1966, very much the Dark Ages, that was brave indeed. Part of me is amused by the fact Liberace once won a libel case based on the outrageous suggestion that he might be gay, but there's also a truly appalling side to a deeply homophobic society where that can happen.

This isn't an episode I was particularly looking forward to. But, much to my surprise, I loved it.


The Dead Ringers

"Nice singing, Robin..."

This is one of the most hilarious cliffhanger resolutions ever: about to be slashed to bit in a piano music cutting machine, they survive by singing the exact notes to avoid being cut into. As you do.

We then move on to the actual plot- Chandell plans to murder Bruce and Dick and marry the besotted Aunt Harriett for her money. Nicely, it gives the wonderful Madge Blake something more to do, and isn't the kind of story that would have been possible until we had come to know and adore Aunt Harriett. And she deserves that medal she gets at the end.

This two-parter, incredibly, without being my sort of thing at all, has managed to become one of my favourites. Top stuff.

Batman: An Egg Grows in Gotham & The Yegg Foes in Gotham

An Egg Grows in Gotham

"All the King's horses and all the King's men won't be able to put you together again!"

This is one of the best two parters so far with a sparkling and gloriously silly script and a splendidly camp and charismatic Vincent Price as the eggceptionally pun-tastic Egghead. I enjoyed it hugely. Eggcept... I have to be that person who points out that something from decades ago is a little bit incredibly racist but, well, look at the portrayal of Chief Screaming Chicken here, a whopping big "Red Indian" stereotype played by an eighty year old white man.

But there’s no denying how eggstremely fun this is, from the shameless puns coming to the extremely silly idea of Gotham City only being leased from the Mohicans with nine raccoon pelts as rent each year. And of course the Wayne’s are one of the founding families. Unfortunately the one remaining Mohican in Gotham, Chief Screaming Chicken, is said outrageous stereotype (“How?” “When?” “Where?”) and is credulous enough to be manipulated by Egghead. Yes, there’s a line from Batman acknowledging that “Indians” have a lot to be aggrieved about, but you certainly couldn’t show this on telly today.

Annoyingly, though, this is brilliant. All the nonsense about “fish” being spelled “ghoti” and the superb comic acting from Adam West and Burt Wars as they counteract the laughing gas with sad pills Is hilarious.

The cliffhanger is delightfully silly- Egghead draining the mind of Bruce Wayne to discover whether he’s Batman is refreshingly unusual.


The Yegg Foes in Gotham

"I guess I laid an egg..."

So what’s a “yegg” then?

Ok, the cliffhanger resolution is rubbish, but they often are. Conveniently Egghead gets just enough info from Bruce to discover that he has “a mind full of trivia” and it’s “inconceivable that he could be Batman”.

Unfortunately, the raccoon pelts have not been paid over by midnight, so the lease of Hotham has reverted back to Screaming Chicken- whose new police commissioner is Egghead. The Dynamic Duo are exiles while the police are comical unable to stop the ensuing crimewave. Fortunately, there’s a loophole, and this plotline is abandoned the moment full comic effect has been reached. Now Egghead is robbing the Treasury (did American cities in the ‘60s not just deduct taxes from salaries?)  followed, of course, by the robbery of eggs from Old MacDonald’s Chicken Farm. Because of course. And the episode ends with the most pun-tastic fight ever.

Take away the dodgy racial bits, and this would be a contender for best story yet. Unfortunately the dodgy racial bits (“My face is so red.”)  can’t be ignored.

Black Death (2010)

“I believe hunting necromancers and demons serves men more than it serves God."

This film seems appropriate right now, does it not? Personally I'm not scared for my own safety, really, nor that of either Mrs Llamastrangler or Little Miss Llamastrangler. We are all young and healthy. I'm more worried about my retired parents, the likelihood that at least someone I know is probably going to die when our current plague washes over us properly. And, given our circumstances, I've no idea what the Hell we're going to do for childcare if... when the schools close.

Anyway, this is an oddly redolent film and it's an act of defiant black humour to blog it. I suspect that, within weeks or days, it will become tasteless. Some readers, I fear, will already find it so, but let us not be too quick to cast aside the consolations of black humour.

I fear also that this film is rubbish. Oh, it's well-made in its impressive German locations and the cast- led splendidly by Carice van Houten, a very young Eddie Redmayne and the ever-doomed Sean Bean, is magnificent. The plot rattles on nicely with a nice twist at the end with Langiva only having drugged Averill, with Osmund the one who killed her. But it's rubbish nonetheless. I don't mind historical inaccuracies, especially in the name of artistic licence, but this film makes no attempt to research or approximate the England of 1348. The opening narration refers anachronistically to a "germ". All the characters have cod-Anglo-Saxon personal names which would be centuries out of use. And, of course, while mediaeval people lived in a world of superstition, they were not barbaric enough to burn women as witches until at least a century after this. And we may get an amusing tour of the tropes of plague- the obligatory flagellants and plague doctors, but the latter belong to the seventeenth century.

Worst of all, while I love the scene in which the encroaching Christian part is drugged and seized like Vortigern at the Night of the Long Knives, the idea of a whole village renouncing Christianity in favour not even of paganism but what seems to be atheism is not even slightly plausible. A pity; change the details and set the film in a fantasy world and it would be a nicely told and splendidly violent tale. But when historical inaccuracies are this fundamental they are not a small detail but a major flaw. Sadly, this is rubbish.

The Golden Voyage of Sinbad (1973)

“Every voyage has its own flavour.”

It took fifteen years for a sort of sequel to be made to The Seventh Voyage of Sinbad. It was well worth the wait.

Oddly enough, I’ve seen this film before, about fifteen years ago. I didn’t like it much- and yes, perhaps Gordon Hessler’s direction isn’t the most exciting. But we have a splendid stop motion Kali as the action centrepiece from the great Ray Harryhausen. We have Caroline Munro. We have a truly memorable and magnificent villain in Shura, courtesy of the truly extraordinary Tom Baker, before he was famous.

But John Philip Law is superb as a witty, likeable, worldly wise Sinbad who is not immune to greed or cynicism but is fundamentally kind, freeing the beautiful Margiana when he has the chance to enslave her. There’s a heartwarming love story between them, as well as a nice ending where the heroic yet also roguish Sinbad turns down a crown because he loves freedom, and a king can never be free.

So, while this film is of course centred around Harryhausen's magnificent creations- Kali, the cyclops centaur, and the hippogriff that turns up briefly at the end, and while the plot is more than a little similar to the previous film (which was, to be fair, some time ago), the excellent script from Brian Clements gices us wit, comedy and character alongside the adventure. A superb film.

Ebirah: Horror of the Deep (1966)

"It's too bad Mothra has no alarm clock..."

Wow. I've rather liked every film until now, albeit some more than others, and was somewhat apprehensive abot the change of director. I needn't have worried. Jun Fukuda has given us an example of the B movie at its finest.

From the beginning this film is fast-paced and gripping. We have the mystery of a brother lost at sea, A stolen yacht, and the destruction f said yacht by awesome crab-like sea monster Ebirah within the first twenty minutes. And then things get even more excited.

Our motley and hastily-assembled gang of heroes end up washed up on Infant Island. There's good news and bad news. On the positive side, they're not blacking up the "natives", Unfortunately, there's a mysterious unidentified private army who are enslaving the natives to make a yellow liquid what mollifies Ebirah so that ships can venture to and fro. Oh, and for some reason they're making a nuclear bomb. Plus their leader has a badass eyepatch.

All is not lost, though. Our heroes are well-drawn, fun characters who react in fun ways to their adventures. Oh, and on the other end of the island the natives are singing to wake Mothra, who can always be relied upon to spring into action at moments convenient to the plot.

Plus Godzilla is buried and sleeping, and can conveniently be woken up with lightning- cue Godzilla, Mothra and Ebirah fighting each other as the plot dictates, plus the baddies setting off a nuclear time bomb. We end with goodies triumphant and baddies smashed- but the island is nuked, gone forever. Yet, in a perfect final shot, Godzilla survives.

Gripping and compelling, this is what a B movie should be.

Batman: The Clock King's Crazy Crimes & The Clock King Gets Crowned

The Clock King's Crazy Crimes

"I am a little hungry."

"Of course, Robin. Even crimefighters must eat. And especially you- you're a growing boy and you need your nutrition."

This season is very different from the first in terms of its baddies, isn't it? The first season was mostly Penguin, Riddler, Joker, repeat, with Catwoman appearing just the once, and even one-off villains being from the comics until the season was nearly over. And yet, so far, this second season has seen a tring of one-off original villains. The latest of these is the Clock King, played with not much charisma by Walter Slezak who, I see, spent his childhood in a still-Habsburg Vienna, an odd thought.

Yet, despite its less-than-brilliant star, this is a fabulous pair of scripts nonetheless, and it's pleasing to note that one of the scriptwriters is legendary comic book scribe Bill Finger, who is every inch as important as Bob Kane in the creation of Batman. This goes to show, yet again, that this series- contrary to popular belief- is in fact a rather faithful depiction of the character and his world as it had existed up to 1966.

This is, of course, enormous fun, from the Commissioner's description of our new villain as "that conniving crook who uses time for crime" to Dick beating Bruce at chess. It may fail at feminism ("Millie, back to your dusting") but any episode which features the Caped Crusader drawing a blue moustache on a photo can't fail to entertain. Plus we get our most famous window celebrity yet in Sammy Davis Jr.

We end with the inevitable cliffhanger as the Dynamic Duo are stuck in a giant hourglass as the sands slowly fall...


 The Clock King Gets Crowned

"Maybe we're living on... borrowed time."

The cliffhanger resolution is actually pretty good. And it's in this second episode that we see how the plot hangs together rather well. There's some real deduction on the part of our heroes, too, and I love the narration as the Clock King robs Wayne Manor while Batman and Robin are downstairs in the Batcave.

The music during the fights is perhaps a little odd, but this is another fun and witty episode. It's always fun where the programme blatantly lampshades how silly it is that no one can work out Batman and Robin's secret identity, and this episode milks that as much as any. A splendid pair of episodes, with a splendidly conceived villain who deserved a better portrayal.

Batman: The Greatest Mother of Them All & Ma Parker

The Greatest Mother of Them All

"Her legs remind me of Catwoman."

"Yu're growing up, Robin..."

After this second season has given us a few stories of varying quality we suddenly get this wonderful work of genius. This is certainly the wittiest, most original and enjoyable script yet, and a real highlight of the series, with Shelley Winters having infectious fun as the mother of a gang of notorious hillbillies who have come to Gotham.

Ma Parker gets a splendid introduction- winning an award for mother of the year and announcing "This is a stick up!" while receiving her award, robbing all the other ladies including one who protests at being called fat. And this story dispenses completely with the usual storytelling formula, showing us a group of baddies who, cleverly, want to be captured and put into prison for their own nefarious purposes. But it's all such fun.

I love the first scene with Bruce and Dick, as the surprisingly learned Aunt Harriet puts Dick through his Ancient Greek grammar. Also wonderful is Ma Parker insisting that her "boys" at their meal properly as their hideout is surrounded. We even have a rocket powered wheelchair. But the climax is clever and unusual; Mar Parker and her "boys" are caught suspiciously easy, but over months they've planned to take over the prison, a perfect base of operations for crime. and as for Batman and Robin, it's Speed, twenty-five years early...


Ma Parker

"Only forty-eight years until your next parole."

"Gee, I never thought of that. In forty-eight years, I'll be a free man!"

The above two lines alone put this episode into the annals of true greatness.But on top of this we get a cameo from Julie Newmar as Catwoman (Joker and Penguin are apparently in solitary, unable to accept Ma as top dog!). But things don't last, in spite of a suspicious inspection by a returning dynamic duo, saved from being blown to pieces by a fifty-five mph speed limit, which is perfect, as Warden Crichton- quite a regular character- ultimately spills the beans.

The Caped Crusaders nearly get a jolt from electric chairs (a tasteless item, surely?) but are saved by Morse code. This second episode has a lot o work to do and doesn't quite sparkle quite as much, but there's no doubting that this two parter is one of the finest so far.

Nirvana- Incesticide (1992)

Cards on the table time: Nirvana always have been and always will be my favourite band. Not only have I listened to all the albums and indeed singles to death over the years, I've done the same with all the usual naughty bootlegs that emerged in the '90s, I've seen Montage of Heck, I;ve sighed at the stupidity of Nick Broomfield, and I've read both biographies of Kurt Cobain- the one by Charles Cross is the one you want. Basically, if I ever go on Mastermind this will be my specialist subject, above even Doctor Who.

So where better to start than their most obscure album, with a splendidly weird cover by Kurt himself. Album it is, despite the varied history of the songs; none of them had been officially released previously. And as an album it's a tale of two halves- Side One is full of potential singles, with "Dive" as the standout track. Yet side Two is the more interesting, giving us a sense of Kurt Cobain's songwriting when he wasn't particularly trying to be popular- and it's a truly wonderful mix, if one that grows on you over time- "Mexican Seafood" is a magnificently silly song about, er, vaginitis, proof that Kurt was a much sillier and more fun-loving person than commonly supposed, while "Aneurysm" is both awesome and exhibits a structural complexity that belies Kurt's reputation as a writer of catchy but simple songs.

A superb album, in spite of being the arguably the least popular, and one that never gets old,

Batman: The Spell of Tut & Tut’s Case Is Shut

The Spell of Tut

“Gosh, Batman! What are they dressed like that for?”

After a strangely underwhelming pre-titles it's time to jump with joy- King Tut, the first and still the bst original villain created for this series, is back. Not only does the wonderful Victor Buono chew the scenery as magnificently as ever but his, ahem, "Chief Apothecary" is none other than the splendid, and now sadly departed, Sid Haig- who, at this point, is a mere stripling in his twenties, a scary thought. With baddies like this, frankly, we simply don't care how unconvincing and obviously plastic the crocodiles are. Nor do we care about the so-so quality of the script; some performers elevate material just by being there.

Not only that, but we get the second instance of the Dynamic Duo encountering celebrities in a window while climbing, as you do. This time it's the Green Hornet and Kato, in a splendidly bizarre cameo. Yep; this episode features both Sid Haig and Bruce Lee.

The plot is nonsense, of course- scarabs in amber being revived to make a mesmerising liquid- but seeing Tut and his underlings performing an operation in surgeons' scrubs is just so damn fun and Buono, quite rightly, is hamming it up so much more. This is great.


Tut’s Case Is Shut

“On your knees, Helot!”

“You got the wrong Helot.”

“On your knees anyway!”

I've just noticed- the signature onomatopaeic fighty words are now on separate frames. Has this been the case from the start of the new season?

This episode simply carries on the fun. Never mind the rubbishness of the cliffhanger resolution; we get a mesmerised Chief O'Hara performing acrobatic feats on a flagpole several stories up while singing "Molly Malone". We get mesmerised acting from Adam West, with arms held out in front like a zombie. There is no way you can not love this.

We even end with a hilarious look at the camera by Commissioner Gordon. Batman episodes simply don't get any more Batman than this one. Brilliant.

The Island of Dr Moreau (1977)

"Are we not men...?"

...We are Devo. Sorry, although I'm told the film was an influence on said Ohio geniuses.

Anyway, It's a long time since I read H.G. Wells' novella and I remember nothing of it; let's just say that I'm forty-two and the copy I read belonged to the school library. So I'm unaware, after all these years, how faithful the film- made, after all, in 1977, thirty plus years after the dodginess of eugenics was very clearly shown- is to the novel. But it seems, on the face of it, to be a fascinating little look at the ethics of science, of eugenics, of reactions to the idea of evolution, which reminds one that the original novella was published but thirteen years after The Origin of Species.

There's a small main cast. The fairly elderly Burt Lancaster has real presence as the charismatic and chippy scientist, exiled from the academy to an island where he is boss and there are no ethical naysayers- certainly not the drunken and cynical mercenary Montgomery, or the mysterious and trophy-like Maria, who seems very much the token female. Into this comes the young Michael York, more D'Artagnan than Basil, shipwrecked and stuck on this island and acting as the eyes, ears and conscience of the audience- and yet, fascinatingly, when we first see him he performs his own ethically dodgy act in pushing a dying fellow survivor from a boat into the sea. That's a fascinating writing choice.

We gradually discover what Moreau is up to, undisturbed by Harvard's prying eyes- injecting animals and turning them into semi-human beast men in a quest to find ways to cure human ailments- what no one in 1896 would have called genetic experimentation. Such ethical areas, while not quite so dramatic, are an increasing part of life today and it's fascinating to see such ideas discussed by Wells so soon after natural selection was promulgated- although here it's assumed that, rather simply being the fact of the best random mutations passing on advantages, which over geological time causes differentiation of species, there is some kind of directional purpose to evolution, with humans at the top of the scale. This is, of course, not necessarily true, and nor is there any kind of barrier between humans and other animals- when Moreau turns Braddock into an animal towards the end he's not imparting any quality that he didn't already possess.

Nevertheless, this is an excellent and thought-provoking drama of ideas- not only of the above but of laws and justice-, with excellent acting and script, including the splendid line "You've been drinking for two days, Montgomery. I suggest you continue". A quietly superb film if you like yur science fiction to be about ideas as well as explosions.

Invasion of Astro Monster (1965)

"Glen, I cannot become an earthling..."

It's a week or two since I've seen a Godzilla film, and it's good to get back into the swing- especially with this little delight, a film that leans so much into its profound silliness that low camp always becomes high camp.

We begin with exposition telling us that "Planet X" was discovered in "196X", and that, several years later in a future that looks suspiciously like the '60s, two astronauts- Fuji and Glen-are on a rocket there. Glen is there as the token American leading man (speaking Japanese throughout), but this manned mission beyond Jupiter is mainly a Japanese affair, with mission control in Tokyo.

Even more impressively, Planet X is introduced- to the obligatory theremin fanfare- as it is revealed just beyond Jupiter, apparently immune to the giant planet's massive gravitational pull, but let's just run with it. On board this alien world (of course, the Japanese astronaut sets foot on it first) are a race of suspiciously humanoid and creepy shades-wearing aliens, apparently under threat from King Ghdorah and needing Godzilla and Rodan to help- but this is, of course, just the prelude to a sudden yet inevitable betrayal as, to no one's surprise, they turn out to be baddies who want to take over the Earth using all three monsters. Who'd have thunk it?

The personal drama is dialled back a bit due to sheer quantity of plot, and it's only towards the end that we get those satisfying scenes of monsters smashing Tokyo to bits yet again, but this film is splendidly entertaining right throughout. Eleven years on, and the franchise is in rude health.

Batman: The Minstrel's Shakedown & Barbecued Batman?

The Minstrel's Shakedown

"When it's still hotter, then you will melt/
Nothing left but your utility belt..."

A rather odd two parter, this- and perhaps a fairly unremarkable one which is neither one of the best nor one of the worst. Van Johnson has a superficial charm as the Minstrel- a villain, unusually, being encountered by Batman for the first time- but the villain isn't particularly charismatic or memorable, and his shtick of music and electronics is a little odd.

Still, his televised blackmailing of the stock exchange is fun, as is the reaction of the Dynamic Duo to a new villain interestingly heir summary of baddies they've beaten features the Clock King, who is yet to appear- had those episodes perhaps already been filmed, or is this a premonition? It's curious, too, that Batman is addressing Robin as "old chap"- did some Americans used to use this phrase? One rarely hears it from that side of the pond.

The episode rattls along well enough, despite an odd focus on electronics, but there's no spark here.


Barbecued Batman?

"Two voices on the telephone... whence did they come? Whither do they go?"

What, no rhyming episode titles? Tut, standards are slipping. So are cliffhanger resolutions, as a bomb Batman prepared earlier is a bit of a cheat. Also, Batman's flirting with this two-parter's moll, Olivia, in order to plant a bug on her is rather underhanded for the character.

Also odd is O'Hara's brief and expression of suspicion for Batman, although the Commissioner's staunch support is amusing as ever. But this episode is rather slight and, while not exactly bad, never quite catches fire. Despite his parting song before being dragged of to prison, I hope we won't see the Minstrel again.

Batman: Hot Off the Griddle & The Cat and the Fiddle

Hot Off the Griddle

"The marchioness of misdemeanours is a wily opponent."

This two-parter has the same writer as last week's travesty, yet this time it's an absolute triumph of wit and high camp; perhaps Stanley Ralph Ross should simply avoid all things mediaeval. Of course, it also helps that we have the wonderful and sexy Julie Newmar back as Catwoman in what is, incredibly, only her second appearance- with Lee Meriweather usurping her rightful place in the movie. Whatever the reason for that, it's great to see this wonderful actress back.

I love these epithets we keep getting- "the countess of criminality", "the viscountess of venality". And the deliberately ridiculous idea of a gossip columnist working from a phone booth inside a chemists, which is delightfully bonkers. Then we have the constant po-faced reminder to "be prepared", Catwoman's kinky cat burglary lessons, and a dancing Aunt Harriet. This is Batman at is very best and, after last week, it's a relief to find the programme's mojo very much intact.

Interestingly, for the first time, Catwoman flirts with Batman near the end. Although her idea of courtship is to set up an elaborate deathtrap with giant magnifying glasses. Very kinky...


The Cat and the Fiddle

"But hark- the ghastliest goings-on are yet to transpire!"

I suppose using the solar eclipse as a resolution to the cliffhanger is a bit cheeky but, to be fair, it was heralded at the start of last episode. But all is forgiven as Batman makes the fourth wall wobble by remarking to Robin how curious it is that they always survive their deathtraps, only to stop the wobbling by saying it's because of their "true hearts".

And so the fun continues, with Catwoman disguising herself as a sprightly old millionairess in a plot to steal some Stradivariuses (Stradivarii, as Catwoman says?) and, er, leave the Gotham State Building in a "getaway rocket" with several sets of handlebars. This is superbly bonkers stuff. We even have Batman insisting on paying to park the Batmobile- "Good citizenship, you know". And not long afterwards we get "Good grammar is essential, Robin".

We end with Batman saving the defeated Catwoman's life... and definite sparks between her and a blushing Caped Crusader. But she's going down for ten to twenty years...

I loved every minute of this two-parter. More Catwoman please. Much more.

Batman: Shoot a Crooked Arrow & Walk the Straight and Narrow

Shoot a Crooked Arrow

"That malfeasance marksman!"

Oh dear.

It's a new season, and we start with, well, a rubbish two parter and a ridiculous villain- and yes, I know that Batman is supposed to be silly in a high camp sort of way, but this is dangerously close to low camp. That is, except for the suspiciously named character of Alan A. Dale, who is just simply camp.

I mean, just look at the villain, the Archer, a ridiculous concept played with awful hamminess by the terrible Art Carney. A mediaeval themed villain could have worked, but not with that ridiculous thesaurus-swallowing dialogue and those ridiculous cod-Shakespearean pronouns (early modern, not mediaeval), which are used wrongly in any case with "thee" where they should have "thou". None of this has any of the self-referential wit I'd come to expect. And no, illustrating fights with "zap-eth" etc is not funny.

The Robin Hood angle gives us an amusing line about the honest poor of Gotham City returning the stolen cash but then steers close to the potentially interesting territory of Gotham preferring its Robin Hood to Batman, before this plotline is abruptly abandoned. This is so terrible that I'm hardly even amused to see apparent Scouser Alfred describe himself as "the William Tell of Liverpool".


Walk the Straight and Narrow

"Tell him to get some relaxation, and eat all his vegetables."

I've seen some rubbish cliffhanger resolutions in my time, but using "bat-springs" to leap out of danger has to be the worst yet. And Alan A. Dale is the most obvious sinisterly camp baddie of all time; we're not al all surprised to see him in league with the Archer.

There's one funny scene where Maid Marilyn (oh yes, they went there) complains to a cop about Batman driving recklessly, only to be told he lectures on road safety in his free time, but this is dire. Alfred in disguise as Batman, Art Carnet mispronouncing "Et tu, Brute?"-there's none of the usual magic here.Not even stock footage of the Batboat from the movie can save this. There have been less good episodes before, but sadly the opener to the second season is our first absolute turkey.

Doctor Who: The Timeless Children

“Gird your loins, gentlemen.”

“I don’t... I don’t know how to do that.”

Now that is how you do a season finale. No, none of the “Fam” died, in spite of the many subtle hints. And the explanation of the “Timeless Child” was perhaps the most likely one. But I simply have to admit yet again this season that Chibbers has produced the goods. This is a cracking season finale, and what it does to Doctor Who lore is at once brave, radical and exciting. The whole thing looks amazing too, and there are truly excellent performances from both Sacha Dhawan as a dangerously and compellingly insane Master and Jodie Whittaker as a Doctor forced to confront what she’s never been made to confront before.

Much of the episode has two parallel plots- the Doctor within the Matrix receiving a massively game-changing info-dump from the Matrix while the Fam and their friends dodge peril from Ashad and his Cyber-army. I like this juxtaposition and, much as we fans are fixated on the big revelations, the exciting scenes with the Fam are important. There are some great moments, such as Graham telling Yaz just how awesome he thinks she is, and indeed one of their friends wanting to retrieve the body of his fallen comrade because her greatest fear was always being altered by the Cybermen- it’s this kind of thing that makes the Cybermen so effective in this two parter.

But we can’t help be excited by the scenes on Gallifrey. We begin with the Doctor and Master engaging in some edgily dark repartee mixed with nostalgic references to Borusa and the Panopticon, showing us what fantastic chemistry these two actors have. But when the Doctor is attached forcibly to the Matrix the revelations keep coming.

So once the sentient race of Gallifrey was the Shabogans- nice nostalgic touch- and one of them- Tecteun- was an early space explorer, crudely heroic. But one day she came across the Boundary, and found a child there, apparently abandoned. So she adopted that child and studied it, until one day it died- and became the first person on Gallifrey to regenerate. So she studies the child even further- a creepy, Stranger Things type example of an innocent child being used and experimented on, regenerating again and again. Some childhood.

But Tecteun eventually reached the point where she was able to risk testing her theories on herself- and so she became the first native Gallifreyan to regenerate. Dialogue then tells us vaguely that history passed, that the Citadel was built and that those dwelling in it became a race apart and eventually, presumably after Rassilon and Omega, Time Lords. It’s made explicit that only these elite Gallifreyans are Time Lords and are able to regenerate- an artificial twelve times- and that the rest of the planet’s population are presumably still “Shabogans”.

Meanwhile, Ashad has in his chest a device to destroy all organic life on the planet, a somewhat obvious case of Chekhov’s Gun. And the Master, latest in a long line of Tobias Vaughns, is inviting his Cyber-Army to invade Gallifrey. This is hardly rational of him, to say the least, but then that clearly isn’t the point. And it’s hugely amusing to hear the Master say what we all think about Ashad’s plan to destroy all organic life so that everyone, himself included, can “”ascend” to being purely mechanical creatures- “Oh, you mean robots?” Indeed.

But there’s a big revelation still to come, of course- the Timeless Child is the Doctor. She had many lives before the ones we knew (so The Brain of Morbius doesn’t need retconning after all!), and the Matrix has been redacted to remove all details of those lives- but the sheer size of those redactions imply there were many. And, let’s not forget, we have absolutely no idea where the child came from.

All this is brilliant. At a stroke the mystery of the Doctor is revealed- what happened in this previous lives? Who even is she? What of the Jo Martin Doctor, who we see in a mental pep talk sequence? And, let’s note, what’s even more brilliant is that the bureaucratic, arrogant, silly old Time Lords are no longer even all that relatively important to the central mystery. I love it.

Cue a final confrontation, the awesome spectacle of regenerating Cyber-Gallifreyans complete with high collared robes, and a magnificent final confrontation between the Master and the Doctor. And a splendid performance by Jodie Whittaker as she and the Master discuss whether she will indeed sacrifice herself to stop him- fortunately, there’s a convenient character on hand to make that sacrifice instead. Meanwhile, the “Fam” and friends are sent back to contemporary Earth in a Hartnell-era TARDIS which, like the Master’s, has disguised itself as a house. Cool.

And then we get a very RTD ending, complete with “What? What? What?” As the Doctor is suddenly kidnapped by a “cold case team” of Judoon and bunged in a prison without trial. Probably for a crime she can’t remember. Wow. At least we presumably have a long time to digest this before Revolution of the Daleks...

Oh, and while we wait, here are all my Doctor Who reviews...  https://llamastranglermarathon.blogspot.com/p/doctor-who-index.htmlhttps://llamastranglermarathon.blogspot.com/p/doctor-who-index.html