Fifty Shades Freed (2018)

"So why do you defy me?"

"Because I can!"

 This is only the second film I've seen that was made in 2018. Right now it seems very possible that it may ultimately end up being the worst. It's that bad. In fact, Mrs Llamastrangler has just described it to me as being akin to "a disappointing fart. I concur.

So what is so deeply disappointing about this, the third in a series of films that, it's now clear, are all pants? Well, many of the same things. Let’s face the horrors, shall we?

Christian and Ana get married in a posh ceremony and then they do that bizarre and rather rude thing where they leave the ceremony that everyone had made such an effort to attend to drive off, cold sober, to a honeymoon by montage in Paris and the French Riviera. We get a few scenes reminding us what a control freak Christian is, presumably meant at least partly to humanise him, but in fact just making him look like a controlling twat. Some arson at home by nasty old Jack draws them both home early where married life begins properly.

Christian has an extraordinarily childish reaction to the inevitable conversation about kids but, well, why on Earth did they not have this conversation before trying the knot like all sensible people do? And, frankly, I don’t care about Christian’s poorly defined mother issues- he’s a billionaire. Why is parenthood an issue where money isn’t? Then there’s that ridiculous throwing of his toys out of the pram because Ana prefers to use her maiden name professionally, as that’s how she’s already known, which seems rather sensible. He seems to think he’s entitled to expect his wife to take his surname, which is frankly a load of misogynist bollocks. Yes, Mrs Llamastrangler ended up taking my surname, but it was entirely her decision and I made it very clear that I didn’t feel entitled to any such thing and, frankly, in her position wouldn’t have done the same. For a bloke to simply expect it to happen is a bit of a warning sign.

But then he does the other thing that emotionally abusive partners do, and buys her stuff, namely a new home to her tastes. It’s good to see Ana asserting herself against the flirtatious architect, but she’s very much living a life circumscribed by Christian, with him even controlling what she hears about the danger to her from Jack. There are disturbing hints of gaslighting here, and when she deviates from his plan to guarantee her safety by- heaven forbid- having a few drinks with her best friend. This leads to a bit of a kerfuffle with Jack and, more disturbingly, with Christian having another massive sulk because Ana has the temerity to show a little bit of independence. And so what could have been a rather erotic little kinky scene of him teasing and denying her just turns outvtonbevhom throwing a strop like a complete and utter child. But then none of the sexy scenes are sexy, and none of the kink is allowed to be just kink.

Incidentally, one of the many things that ruins this awful film is the constant use of unlistenable, badly produced, horrible chart pop which, with all its autotuned awfulness,  actively subtracts atmosphere and sexiness from every scene. The only decent bit of music in the whole film is Grey playing Macca’s “Maybe I’m Amazed”, which isn’t saying much.

Anyway, Christian’s reaction when Ana tells him she’s pregnant is utterly pathetic, and the perfect reason to leave him. He reacts like a proper child, sulks and confides in Mrs Robinson; no wonder Ana is disgusted. Yes, it’s wrong to spring a pregnancy on a man without his consent, but accidents are accidents, and any woman has an absolute choice on whether to keep her baby; making her get rid if it is just as immoral as being one of those anti-abortion zealots. And none of this matters much, anyway, if money isn’t an issue- why not just have the child? Bringing up kids is fun.

So we end up with a bit of climatic action between Ana and nasty old Hack, and she ends up still trapped in what she sees as a healthy relationship with Christian, and thinking the fact he’s into BDSM (she isn’t, not really, so it’s disturbing that he’s foisting it on her, and controlling how she perceives it) means he can get away with controlling her without her informed consent. She ends the trilogy still trapped in a relationship with this controlling man-child, and that is truly tragic. Poor Ana. But far more tragic is the thought that this film may give many people the idea that BDSM makes this kind of behaviour ok.

Elektra (2005)

"They say Elektra whispers in your ear before she kills you."

Meh. Thing is, this isn't an awful script, not really. There are some nice directorial touches in places, although there are also moments of, well, meh. But the main reason why this is Marvel's notorious flop, a spin-off of the already underwhelming Daredevil, is that Jennifer Garner is just phoning it in and offers up no charisma whatsoever. She simply sucks the energy out of the film whenever she's on screen.

Not that there aren't some positive points- it's good to see Terence Stamp, General Zod himself, appearing in a Marvel film, even if he is woefully miscast as Stick. The main baddies are good acting-wise, although I'm not familiar with the Hand from the comics. And the opening sequence establishing Elektra as the assassin she isn't going to be for the rest of the film is well done.

But... Jennifer Garner. And the film, frankly, flags once you're an hour in, not a good thing for a film that isn't really all that long. There are lots of action sequences, many of them good. Tattoo is a cool character. It’s good to see Typhoid Mary on screen. But... Jennifer Garner.

This film really isn’t worth seeing except for us Marvel completists. Meaning, sadly, that Marvel has yet to release a decent film with a female star, in the Cinematic Universe or elsewhere. I hope they do so by the time my daughter is old enough.

iZombie: Blaine's World

"Nice ball sac..."

So, to the finale. Blaine has Major at his mercy as the Max Rager conspiracy finally gets exposed. Oh, and Peyton finds out that Liv is a zombie under viokent circumstances and runs away, appalled. It was bound to happen. Will she back and, if so, as friend or foe?

It's a firmly awesome finale, setting up new threats as du Clark seeks to use zombies to produce "Supermax", which will mean consumers no longer need to sleep. And Liv gives up her apparently last chance for a cure to use on Blaine, a suitable Guinea pig for a solution that killed a rat. Suzuki dies heroically in the end, covering up his corruption. It's all very neat.

But the ending is heartbreaking as Liv's brother is caught in the explosion and she's asked to donate her blood. But she can't...

This has been an unexpectedly addictive,entertaining and intelligent series. A season of True Blood next and then I'll be blogging Season Two...

iZombie: Astroburger

""Careful! Don't open yourself up to the classic reverse Sicilian gambit. That's a chess thing, right?"

"Sounds more like something a call girl would make you pay extra for..."

We know iZombie by now; yes, Majoy may be in a mental hospital because Liv thought he'd be safe there, but he isn't: his chess-playing mate gets murdered. Liv duly acquires said delusional brain, complete with chess skills, voices in her head and (we discover) an imaginary friend. Meanwhile Ravi and Peyton start dating, and it seems to be going well.

Major, after this, discharges himself and returns to his obsession, made so much worse by his not knowing the truth. There is ascent in which Liv reveals all to him but this is, rather predictably, a delusion.

Also, Blaine has stick zombie client who wants the brain if someone who has walked on the Moon(!) and Ravi's successful cure for the zombie rat seems to hold out hope.

Another good episode, then, if predictable in places. And it reminds me that a) weed is legal in Washington State and b) I must watch Vertigo again, and blog it.

iZombie: Mr. Berserk

"Liv, you're off the case..."

At last the Max Rager stuff moves centre stage as a journalist investigating the drink's propensity to cause violence is murdered. Liv's ingestion of her brain makes her tenacious and alcoholic, which is not inconvenient. It's more good telly.

In other conspiracy news, Suzuki is covering for Blaine; he knows where his brains are coming from. And the fallout from Lowell's death continues as the truth has to be hidden. That's three separate conspiracies. Paranoid much? You really tend to sympathise with Major.

Especially when Clive comes close to sectioning him. It's a very arc-heavy episode.

Major checks himself into hospital as Liv drinks and investigates. It's clear Max Rager are guilty but it all gets rather dangerous, insidious and exciting as Liv ends up having to go into full-on zombie mode to avoid being murdered. Unfortunately her prospective killer is now a zombie, and Max Rager are still uncaught. 

It's getting exciting and the season finale is still in sight in the least story-of-the-week episode yet, but iZombie is still as awesome as ever.

iZombie: Dead Air

"Oh, it's a zombie thing. You wouldn't understand."

This episode is as much about Liv's flourishing relationship with Lowell- we open, in a classic piece of misdirection, with what looks like an orgasm but is in fact him massaging her feet- as it is about the excellent murder mystery of who killed a radio sex talk presenter, but it's excellent. Bonus points for Liv eating the brains of a sex expert, which does her sex life no harm at all...

But we also see the fallout from last week; Major's concern for the street kids is tearing his life apart and ruining his career, and he's convinced (correctly, as we know) that there's been a cover-up.

Liv's new brain is not from a very nice person and, for the first time, she says things that really upset Ravi. 

We end with the mystery resolved, alongside an entertaining on-air meltdown, and the stirrings of possible romance between Peyton and Ravi. Unfortunately, we also end with an alarming vision for Liv and Ravi being bitten by the zombie rat...

iZombie: Maternity Liv

"But you should eat something. Possibly. With vegetables, if you so choose."

It had to happen; Liv has eaten the brain of a pregnant woman and is getting all motherly, a mad this is of course played for comic effect. But this helps to lighten a surprisingly dark episode about parental abuse and, in the end, dodgy cover-ups. The central mystery is, as ever, excellent.

Major, meanwhile, is working with a tenacious journalist to find out what happened to those missing kids. And Ravi and Lowell have an excruciating conversation about London football that clearly wasn't written by a Brit.

It's a brilliant conceit that Lowell's apparent standoffishness towards Liv is explained by a gay brain he's eaten, and their relationship is simmering nicely. 

We end with a cover-up, Suzuki suspecting that Liv is a zombie, and Ravi's lab rat becoming a zombie rat...

iZombie: Flight of the Living Dead

"I'll only hover by the phone for the next 72 hours or so. After that I'm on to the next Zombie girl."

It's fascinating to see how the murder mysteries of the week (another good one here, involving the death by parachute of Liv's old uni friend) dovetail with the gradual zombie subplot, slowly showing us, tantalisingly, what the "rules" are. Here, one of the suspects- Lowell, a professional rock musician- has a good alibi in that he's a zombie. Unsurprisingly, being nice, good-looking and not evil like Blaine, he rapidly becomes Liv's love interest.

Also, in other news, kids known to Major- a social worker- are going missing, a new plot thread. Soft drinks manufacturer Max Rager is shown to be a bit dodgy. Oh, and Clive's boss is a zombie. All this is the ideal mix: we're still getting stories of the week, and good ones, but mixed with a strong arc element; the best of both worlds. 

It's becoming clear that this series is very good indeed.

iZombie: Pilot

"Why the hot sauce? Is that a zombie thing?"

This series, based on a DC Vertigo miniseries, only has two short seasons on Netflix so far; it should be fairly easy to get up to date with the odd episode while I'm in the middle of my True Blood marathon interspersed with the odd film. After True Blood, incidentally, I will get back to Buffy and Angel. Promise.

I'm loving this so far- the directorial style, the witty dialogue and first person narration, the fact that we get a whodunit story of the week amongst the zombie stuff- but it's all carried by the brilliant Rose McIver as Liv, who unexpectedly finds herself a zombie and is forced to give up her promising medical career to work in a morgue where there are, you know, brains. Fortunately she makes an ally of her boss, Ravi, an eccentric English scientist, and starts working with Clive, a police detective who has no idea what she is or, indeed, that her "psychic" abilities in fact derive from eating the brains of the deceased. Lovely.

It's funny, engaging, promises more zombie lore, has likeable and engaging characters, and seems so far to be a good whodunit. And I hope one day Liv can get over her rather wet fiancé rather than mole all over him. Still, I'm hooked.