The Last Sect (2006)

"Once you join us you'll see this isn't a Heaven you have to suffer to enter..."

I don't mind a good bad film. Bad films can be enormous fum, as all right-thinking people know. No: there is no sin but being boring. And crikey, this films- about good looking, vaguely kinky female vampires, for Pete's sake is oh, so desperately and soul crushingly dull.

So what went wrong? No one sets out to make a bad film, after all. And it is, at least, interesting, to see the very 2006 attitudes to the internet and to online dating, by no means an accepted thing at that point, as well as mild social commentary about the dating experience for women and for men. The cinematography is good, despite the vaguely washed out look which has dated somewhat but I remember at the time being a tiresome trend... but it's done well. The cast, is good by and large. I mean, yes, David Carradine phones in his performance a bit, a wise decision with this script, but he oozes charisma nonetheless. And the soundtrack by the Duke Spirit, something else that's very 2006, is utterly wonderful.

But it's soooo slooow. At first the talkiness is ok. But the characters, who are dull anyway, just talk and talk and nothing ever happens. Yes, the film looks good, but that's because the set oieces are kept to a minimum, there doesn't seem to be any location filming, and it's ninety minutes of exposition and talking and talking and talking and oh my god hw much longer do I have to try to concentrate. We're talking possibly the dullest lesbian kiss in cinematic history here.

I can't think of any reason whatsoever why anybody would want to put themselves through tfhis ilm. I beseech you: don't suffer as I did.

Death Race 2000 (1975)

 "I think you're one very large baked potato."

There's such a concept as "the greatest film ever". This film doesn't, it's fair to say, stand comparison with The Godfather. There is, however, a category of "greatest B movie ever". This film, at least of those I've seen, is the clear winner. It's cheap. It's bonkers. It's brilliant. It's produced (not directed) by Roger Corman.

I mean, it's Wacky Races where killing people gets you points in a dystopian future where this serves as both bread and circus. It's a delicious black comedy in a dictatorial America in 2000(!) where "Mr President" has a Winter Palace abroad and blames the French for everything, as in Orwell's Nineteen Eighty-Four. The violence is hilarious, as is the not too serious documentary style. There's a moment where Joe kills a race official, and suddenly they're fair game.

David Carradine is superb, entirely embracing the fim's camp aesthetic. Sylvester Stallone, pre-Rocky, is, well Sylvester Stallone. Between them, they carry the film, although it's sad the superb Simone Griffeth never did much else.

It really is Wacky Races with more skulduggery and more gore ('70s style), but the dry, deadpan humour is delicious. It's very much of its time- one of the racers is a Nazi!-but it's gloriously dark, gloriously violent, and gloriously funny. 

Kill Bill: Vol. 2 (2004)

"You're my favourite person. But every so often you can be a real c***."

And so we come to the second part, with Elle unexpectedly killing Budd with a hidden black mamba while the Bride plucks out Elle's remaining eye, leaving her blind and thrashing around.

Only Bill is left. But the story is fleshed out, with a monochrome flashback to the wedding and an extended heart to heat between our two protagonists at the end, with Bill's monologue about Superman finally giving us some proper Tarantino dialogue but also allowing the film to end with fully explored characterisation. There's plenty of aestheticised violence in this second part but this time around we get the characterisation and backstory. We also have a name: er, Beatrix Kiddo.

We also get a proper visual tribute to Chinese martial arts and, it seems, to Monty Python and the Holy Grail with the very silly character of "Gordon" Liu's Pai Mei, the bushy eyebrowed and delightfully rude ancient martial arts master with a beard to marvel at. All scenes featuring him are comedy gold. He's rude, sadistic, bigoted and easily the most likeable character in the film. Oh, and on the subject of cameos we also get Sid Haig as a barman and Samuel L. Jackson as... could it be an older, wiser Jules?

It's a satisfying ending, perhaps more so than expected, and the two parts together make a more balanced and fleshed-out film than the pure fetishised violence of the first half. And the direction, of course, is equally magnificent. I'm so glad I've finally seen this. More Tarantino before too long, methinks.

Kill Bill: Vol. 1 (2003)

"Your instrument is quite impressive..."

I saw this film at the pictures back in 2003, when I was still in my twenties. I enjoyed myself, but never somehow got round to seeing part 2, something which will, I assure you, be remedied within the week. I liked the film then; I like it just as much now, having seen it for a second time.

It's often said of Quentin Tarantino that his main distinguishing feature is the aestheticisation of violence. This film could be said to be the purest expression of that, jettisoning Tarantino's trademark dialogue for an entire film's worth of beautifully shot ultraviolence. The film takes its time in showing us what is really a very simple plot: the Bride, in revenge for the deaths of her new husband, the baby in her belly and everyone present, sets out to kill the first two of five people responsible for her wedding day massacre.But this film is all about form- aesthetics- over content in the best possible way.

Forget realism. This film takes place in a universe where, even post-9/11, planes carry holders for passengers' samurai swords and there exists no pesky law enforcement institutions to rudely interfere with one's mission of revenge, Thgis is Tarantino's tribute to both Japan and to the Hong Kongmartial arts films from the '70s, beginning the film with an explicit tribute to Shaw Brothers and casting Chia-Hui "Gordon" Liu. Most of the film consists of the Bride's meticulous yet fantastical assassination of O-Ren Ishii, a delightfully entertaining baddie who, in a film chock full of superb female roles, assumes the role of main baddie with aplomb, vying well with the Bride in who can generate the biggest jets of CGI blood via the severing of various major body parts.

The direction is superb, with cam era angles to dies for and flashbacks marked out both by use of monochrome and animation. The multinational cast hints heavily at the film's Eastern origins and, while the lack of flashy dialogue or, indeed, of flashy narrative, makes this no Pulp Fiction, I look forward to the second part...