Poirot: The Adventure of the Clapham Cook

 "Ah, the stewed peaches! Quite!"

I've done the Granada Sherlock Holmes; why not make a leisurely start to Thames' Poirots? Incidentally, the Thames indent at the start gave me a nice nostalgic rush. ITV was a proper channel before the franchises were ruined in '91...

I've gone on record as saying I'm not an enormous fan of Agatha Christie. Her plots are as clever as their reputation, but she's a snob, and her prose and characterisation are not great. She is, in short, no Margery Allingham. However, I confess that my reasing of her novels, while extensive, was (ahem) a quarter of a century ago. I ought to revist one at some point.

However, I have to say that this episode bears out my prejudices somewhat. It's a well-made bit of telly, but the story upon which it is based is full of one-dimensional domestic servants and generally superficial characters. I suspect part of the reason this annoys me more than the Sherlock Holmes stuff is simply that, unlike the late Victorian setting of the other programme, this is set quite clearly in the 1930s, and the cars, clothing and general "look" are far less alien and more modern-looking, at least if one happens (just about) to remember a pre-digital world. There are no Hansom Cabs here. Also, the murder mystery is fine, but nothing special.

However, David Suchet is very good, and the woodenness of Hugh Fraser as Hastings probably owes as much to the character as the actor. I'll persevere, at least for a season.

Dark Season: Episodes 5 and 6

Episode Five

"A ventilation shaft. Marvellous. I’m a cliche.”

The middle episode, and we discover that Pendragon is digging not for Celtic archaeology but for an old MOD building beneath the school, and the Behemoth is an AI war machine that she once created. In spite of her cod-mysticism she’s actually a scientist, but so mad and melodramatic that only Jacqueline Pearce could possibly have played her: a genius scientist sacked for being a Nazi and prone to lots and lots of speechifying.

Elsewhere, Miss Maitland fails as an English teacher as she “corrects” Reet’s grammar to end a sentence with “and I”, failing to understand the difference between the nominative and the accusative.  Don’t you just hate that? But at least she begins to overcome her scepticism and get stuck in. Thomas, in spite of some more terrible acting from Ben Chandler, has some amusing scenes with Pendragon as it turns out his Aryan looks come mostly from hair dye.

It’s a rather cool ending as the Behemoth awakes and it’s revealed that the “chosen one” is in fact needed to sit in the chair and be subsumed into the machine- a sacrifice which now suddenly falls to a bizarrely ecstatic Pendragon. This is brilliantly mad chikdren’s telly.

Oh, look. There’s Mr Eldritch.


Episode Six

“There will be now new age. Only a dark age.”

A rather excellent finale as Marcie exploits the differences between the Nazis and the chaos-loving Eldritch, Lawful Evil vs Chaotic Evil. There’s a debate between Marcie and Eldritch to persuade the fully sentient Behemoth, and arguably a debate about whether it’s Miss Maitland with her bulldozer or Marcie with her words who saves the day.

All this stuff about the end of a century being an important time (it’s only 1991, kids) feels quaint from the vantage point of today, but it works. And Grant Parsons’ Eldritch is a splendidly melodramatic villain. And best of all is the scene where the increasingly cool Miss Maitland gives the Nazis a right good bollocking.

It’s a nice upbeat ending, Marcie is blatantly the Doctor as always, and this is a brilliant bit of telly. But I suppose it had to end; there are only so many sci-fi thrrats that could threaten a school. But that young RTD, the Why Don’t You bloke who wrote this- he’s going places, I tell you.

Dark Season: Episodes 3 and 4

Episode Three

"If I was here to give answers, I'd open an answer shop!"

A satisfying conclusion to the first three part story here, with a nice little twist as it’s revealed by the old man that “Professor Becjinski is my wife!” using Mr Eldritch’s casually misogynistic assumption that the man must be the professor as a trick. Of course, this means that Marcie and her mates don’t actually save the day, but it’s a nice way to end. I also like the way Mr Becjinsky tries to persuade Dr Osley to turn on Eldritch, giving Osley his big speech about the world deserving what it’s going to get.

Also interesting is Eldritch’s motive; although he intends to ensure all computers are networked and under his control, he doesn’t want control; no, he wants to create chaos.

Marcie gets some heroic stuff to do, and there’s a countdown (why do baddies never just press a button that does things instantly?). And, of course, Eldritch vanishes. It’s a big, satisfying ending, although Marcie, Reet and Thomas are perhaps a little sidelined. In fact, things would have pretty much unfolded much the same without them.


Episode Four

“Liberty Hall!”

Don’t imagine I didn’t spit the blatant reference to The Three Doctors up there. Anyway, Marcie, Reet and Thomas are back, with hesitant help from Miss Maitland, as Jacqueline Pearce turns up and steals every scene she’s in with aplomb. She was a force of nature and she will be missed.

Miss Pendragon is an eccentric baddie with a mysterious agenda and, quite rightly, the manners of Servalan, who is conducting a sham archaeological dig in a quest to find the “Behemoth” of Celtic legend. As Thomas notes, her commitment to diversity is less than ideal as all of her underlines have a suspiciously Aryan look. Indeed, she seems to have hired the handsome but dim Luke just to stand around being Aryan and unblemished, and suddenly abandons him when he gets slightly hurt. Nazi much?

Marnie spends the episode being splendidly moody mixed with bursts of Doctorish activity. We’ve established the format in the first three parter; now we can just get on with the adventure, and it appears the Behemoth may now be emerging...

Dark Season: Episodes One and Two

Episode One

“Normal is for the comatose!”

If you think Jodie Whittaker is the first female Doctor Who then you are quite, quite wrong. Let’s look at the evidence: RTD writes; 25 minute episodes; Marcie acts and speaks exactly like the Doctor; the directorial style and incidental music is exactly like Cartmel-era Who which is, after all, only a couple of years ago. The baddie even begins by saying “Nothing in the world can stop me now!”. I rest my case.

This is, in fact, a brilliant bit of telly that only the very 1991 fashions can’t spoil. The script is superb; Victoria Lambert is superb, Sylvester McCoy’s Doctor as a thirteen year old girl. The paddle is a bit of genius. It’s genuinely bizarre that she doesn’t seem to have acted in anything else. Then there’s a young Kate Wibslet (the less said about Ben Chandler the better) and such British telly stalwarts as Brigit Forsyth and the great Cyril Shaps.

Like Cartmel era Doctor Who, the programme hides its lack of budget with lots of mood, atmosphere, and having this and intrigue be a substitute for expensive spectacle, and does it well. It’s also full of strong characters, an intriguing mystery, and an intriguing men-in-black villain in the splendid Mr Eldritch. But the clothes, oh, the clothes...



Episode Two

“If I can teach you two anything it’s this; shut up and do as I say. Out!”

The plot thickens and so does the characterisation; I love Marcie’s fun little relationship with the exasperated and harassed Miss Maitland, and how only she realises that anything weird happened. We also begin to see how the Professor is at the heart of all this, leading to a splendid cliffhanger. And, this being the early ‘90s, we have the obligatory cyberspace bit, with even a kind of proto-internet. In 1991.

It’s weird to think I was about the same age as the kids in this at the time, but in some ways it doesn’t feel so very long ago. It’s intetesting to be reminded of a time where not all schools gave lip service to any of this silly uniform nonsense, for example, whatever the resulting fashion disasters. Thing is, though, what does Mr Eldritch want? So far he just walks around looking cool while talking like a super villain in a vague sort of way, more of a trope than a character as such. Not that I have any problem with this.

Doctor Who: The Evil of the Daleks

Part One


"Follow that car!"


Alas, I haven't been able to get my hands on the Loose Canon recon in time, and I'm not prepared to wait and get even further behind! So for the first time in the marathon I'm experiencing this story by means of a Joint Venture recon- and it's not bad at all. Clearly it's not a patch on most of the Loose Cannon stuff but it's a fine effort nonetheless, and I was relieved to find it better than the Loose Cannon version of The Faceless Ones. All this, of course, is on the evidence of but a single episode, but early signs are encouraging. And the continuity announcement at the start is a nice touch.

We start with an intriguing mystery which feels like a different programme entirely, as the Doctor and Jamie piece together clues and lounge about in a 60s coffee bar to the sounds of Paperback Writer and some decor straight out of Austin Powers. Groovy! it's a nice touch that Jamie knows little of trains, although he seems to speak of the Victorian era with a little too much familiarity. It's an intriguing set-up though- a Victorian gent who's somehow in 1966. And the cliffhanger is chilling. A superb episode.



Part Two


"You will not feed the flying pests outside!"


An episode away from the recons, and the luxury of actual footage, on DVD no less. Something most definitely to savour. It's immediately apparent that the scenes are well shot. And also that the pictures of the Doctor and Jamie are publicity shots from The Highlanders! Perhaps a Dalek photographer travelled back to 1746?

The plot continues to grip; this episode is every bit as excellent as the previous one. We get to properly examine two well-characterised individuals; the arrogant and hubristic Maxtible and the guilt-plagued Waterfield- both of whom possess personality traits which mean, as this is Doctor Who, neither will survive the story. And we get to meet Victoria. Yay!

I love Maxtible's Bride of Frankenstein-esque lab, with all those phials filled with bubbling liquids! And also, as this is great, I shall overlook the, er, interesting science spouted by Maxtible!

Part Three


"Do not be afraid. You are not to be exterminated."


This is still gripping drama but, well, where exactly is the plot going? I know it serves to introduce Terrall and his plot strand but the brief kidnapping of Jamie seems oddly purposeless. It's also very notable that the Daleks don't seem very active at all, and only ever seem to appear in ones and twos. still, this is gripping stuff which shows us (however justified he may be) a dark and manipulative side to the Doctor, overheard by Jamie. For the first time in ages, both the Doctor and his companion are getting some serious character development- that'll be a David Whittaker script then.

This is the first appearance of sci-fi elements in an historical setting for ages, since the Egyptian segments of The Daleks' Master Plan, in fact. but this feels a very different kind of epic, on a more human scale. A couple of things are odd, though- is the Daleks' desire for the "human factor" really consistent with their racial supremacism? And it's notable that they say of the Doctor: "You have travelled too much through time. You are more than human." Once again, it's made clear that the series does not yet consider the Doctor anything other than physiologically human. Well, the small matter of his "renewal" aside, obviously. And for all we know, that was just "part of the TARDIS".

It has to be said, some basic elements of the plot make no sense at all. Is the explanation for the Daleks' desire for the "human factor" really convincing? Why do they need to go to all the trouble of kidnapping the Doctor and Jamie rather than any old human? How does the test work? And yet this is gripping drama, and on course for a 4/5 at this point in spite of everything. The confrontation scene between the Doctor and Jamie is electrifying- great writing and acting.


Part Four


"The Daleks know many secrets. You will learn the most important."


We start with a long fight scene with no dialogue for a very long time. An unfortunate episode to be missing, then! The gradual widening of the rift between Waterfield and Maxtible in their scene is well developed, and although not that much actually happens in this episode the time is more than adequately filled by good character stuff. On the evidence of this episode Maxtible seems to be becoming more like Mavic Chen with each passing minute...

Part Five

"No, Mr Terrall. I am not a student of human nature. I am a professor of a far wider academy, of which human nature is merely a part."


So this new generation of Daleks will have "positronic brains", will they?

There's a real sense of high stakes and foreboding being stoked throughout this episode; Molly, Ruth and Terrall all leave before the real bad stuff starts, which gives the impression that none of the other guest characters are going to survive. And when Waterfield speaks of the destruction of an entire race, the Doctor's reply ("Yes. I don't think you quite realise what you're saying, but yes. It may come to that. It may very well come to that.") is interestingly ambiguous as to the race concerned!

There's a fantastic scene between the Doctor and Jamie as the consequences of the Doctor's betrayal of his friend are made clear; "You and me- we're finished! You're just too callous for me." The episode ends with Jamie still not fully trusting the Doctor. I can't help noticing, though- whenever it's just the Doctor and one male companion travelling in the TARDIS there always seems to be a huge row!

Part Six


"I've beaten you, and I don't care what you do to me now."


Daleks playing trains? Er... ok. Fine in the context of the story, but it certainly diminishes the Daleks. It's interesting to hear the differences in the tones of their voices, mind.

The Daleks betray Maxtible? Well, blow me down! And then it's suddenly a double whammy of Dalek tropes as we get a countdown. And then everyone's off to Skaro and things start happening thick and fast. Before they do, though, we get a sweet little scene in which Victoria tells Kemel she'll look after him. Whitaker's very good at these little character moments.

At last we get to see the surface of Skaro again. Or rather we don't, as the episode is missing. In fact, the scenes in which the Doctor, Jamie and Waterfield travel towards the Dalek city are extremely reminiscent of the first Dalek story. Even better, once again we hear the music from the Dalek city and best of all, in Maxtible's cell, that throbbing sound!

The Emperor is awesome to behold, or at least his photograph is. I love the Doctor's line: "We meet at last. I wondered if we ever would." In fact, Troughton is particularly brilliant in this scene, but this is a story in which the Doctor has been better played and written than ever before. The moment when the Doctor realised he's been manipulated all along is awesomely effective.



Part Seven


"Dizzy! Dizzy! Dizzy Daleks!"


The Doctor's recorder is back! Yay! I do believe we haven't seen it since The Moonbase. It's nice that there's room in this final episode for the Doctor to finally get a chance to bond with Victoria. I don't think they'd even spoken before.

The Daleks' plan seems to make sense now, certainly more than it did, but I'm not convinced that Daleks imbuing other races with the "Dalek factor" is consistent with their obsessive belief in their own racial superiority. Maxtible gets what he deserves, though.

I notice even at this stage, and admittedly after he's supposedly been given the "Dalek factor", Jamie still isn't sure of whether to trust the Doctor, and after what has happened this has resonance.

So, the Doctor is not impregnated with the Dalek factor because he's not from Earth! He is physically different from humans, then, contradicting everything I said a couple of episodes ago!



Overall, this is breathtakingly, Earth-shatteringly awesome telly, and it's a shame so little of it exists. Yes, there are plot problems in the way the early episodes hang together and yes, the Daleks are not exactly treated with dignity here. But this is just quality stuff, an easy 5/5, second only to The Massacre.



And overall Season Four gets 3.889/5, close behind Three.