Constantine (2005)

"God's a kid with an ant farm, lady. He’s not planning anything.”

I know very little about John Constantine  eyond Alan Moore’s Swamp Thing. I’ve never read a single issue of Hellraiser. I’m therefore not much attached to the original material, prepared to judge this film on its own merits, and willing to overlook the fact that Constantine should be a blond Englishman.

Except... they cast Keanu Reeves. Keanu Reeves. On what planet is that appropriate casting? Reeves is, by all accounts, a nice bloke but it is a fact universally acknowledged that he can’t act. I’m afraid he just can’t carry a film, no matter how much spectacle or CGI we get.

And there’s another issue- sometimes a music video director turns out to be brilliant when let loose on a cinematic canvas. Here we have a music video director who has given us a two hour music video. It gets annoying after a bit.

Still, the script is quite good, and presumably very much the D.C. version of Christian mythology. It’s an arresting idea- suicide is cruelly punished in Hell, and Constantine is desperately trying to atone for a youthful suicide attempt- although certainly not one that makes God seem a nice bloke. I’m not sure which of the concepts are from the film and which not, but I like the idea of Hell having an extended version of the Bible. I love Midnite and the neutral bar, too. It’s all very Manichean.

It’s a pity, really; with a better star the film would have been pretty decent, and perhaps even spawned a sequel. But Keanu Reeves...?