Baywatch (2017)

“You got your beef and your biscuits stuck down there...”

I know. What can I say? It was a moment of madness. I can certainly reassure you, though: I certainly won’t be blogging the TV series. No one wants that.

Well, let’s make clear from the outset that, a few good performances aside such as, yes, Dwayne Johnson, Mrs Llamastrangler and I are both united in the view that this film is, unsurprisingly, pants. The plot is as predictable as clockwork, with cartoon baddies and a secondary hero who has to prove himself, and there are the obligatory knowing winks and amusing cameos from both Pamela Anderson and a shockingly old-looking David Hasselhoff. Mercifully unexplained is why both mentor and protege are called Mitch Buchannon.

We have a nerd character (we know at the start he’s a nerd because he wears a Donkey Kong t-shirt) who ends up getting the sexy chick and, yes, you’re not going to get a movie like this without, well, not so much the male gaze as an awful lot of perving on scantily clad women by both the camera and the script.

There are some funny one liners, especially at the start and end, but unfortunately the middle of the film is all plot and action and this is really rather dull in the way rubbish films tend to be. Yes, this film is done with a knowing wink, the fourth wall is somewhat unstable throughout, but let there be no doubt that this film is utter, absolute pants.