Ninja Champion (1986)

 "Not the wine. My nipples, you jerk."

Oh, look. It's a cheap Hong Kong action film from the mid-80s, directed by Godfrey Ho and with the word "Ninja" in the title.  This will be a cinematic materpiece, right? And in no way a hilariously cheap little film full of laugh out loud moments and the most blatant of "as you know, Bob" clunky exposition?

Well, no. I mean, you could tell where that first paragraph was heading. I could, if I was feeling lazy, just say "this is a Godfrey Ho ninja film, you know the drill" and leave it there. But let's talk about the film, because it's fun.

The thing is, the plot is actually pretty well-constructed and satisfying, with clever reveals amongst the action, if you'll forgive the sudden use of a previously unmentioned identical twin sister. But the acting, dialogue and sheer 80s-ness of everything make it impossible to take the film seriously. There's a scene with a horny wife trying to turn on her frigid husband until the scene suddenly switches to her, on a beach, building a high, vertical tower out of hard stones. I'm sure there's subtext here but I can't quite put my finger on it.

There is a whiff of that very 80s nastiness where a woman is raped and sets out to kill her rapists, and this is at the centre of the film. Worse, the "hero", George, subsequently abandoned Rose as she was "soiled" by her rape. But I think he both comes to repent what he's done and is adequately punished by the end. He has lost Rose and will now be alone forever.

Hilariously, the ninja sub-plot is basically crowbarred in, and only really intersects with the main plot at the very end. But the fight sequences are fun. And that is, with a film like this, the main thing. 

Yeah, this film is rubbish. Gloriously so.