Roald Dahl's Matilda the Musical (2022)

 "This isn't school. It's a prison."

This is the first time I've seen a film at a cinema for a shocking three years, at the splendid and, I'm pleased to see, expanding Phoenix Arts Cinema in Leicester, and once again the reason was Little Miss Llamastrangler. Many thanks to my brother and sister-in-law for treating us.

The film is,of course, splendid fun for all the family, with delightfully witty lyrics courtesy of Tim Minchin. It is, as it necessarily had to be, a very different beast from the 1996 film, set in a very British 1980s of Irn-Bru and bikes from my childhood. Alisha Weir is a revelation and a triumph as our titular heroine, while Emma Thompson is magnificently evil as Trunchbull, whose cruelty is far more apparent here than in the previous film, although there are also hints of a possible actual hinterland..

It's all about the visuals, though, and of course the brilliant songs. There's far more of a whimsical, mischievous sense of humour here that owes far more to Roald Dahl's writing itself than the previous adaptation. There is, of course, a possible subtext- I love Matilda's comment, upon seeing Miss Honey's home, that teachers must be "really badly paid", plus it's easy to see Miss Trunchbull's Gradgrindian regime as a metaphor for the National Curriculum, which was very much an issue ij the late 80s when the novel was written and the film is set. If so, though, any such subtext is worn lightly. More than anything, the film is great fun. Both Little Miss Llamastrangler and I enjoyed it enormously.

Count Magnus

 "What did I do?"

This, the latest Christmas adaptation of a short story by M.R. James, whose work I have not read, is as chillingly well-constructed as we have come to expect. As ever with these things, the plot is simple. It is the essence of the Gothic: an Englishman investigates the tomb, and the unholy antics, of the eponymous count, his curiosity leading to a truly horrific and inevitable downfall.

The Swedish setting is atmospheric and the grisly history superb, with hints of alchemy, devilish beings and the Antichrist. The tale of the two villagers who met their own grisly fates echo that of poor Mr Wraxham, almost the stereotype of the cheerfully ignorant travelling Victorian Englishman. A scholar, a cheerful man, taking nothing seriously until it is too late, he is- with Jason Watkins trning in a perfect performance- quite magnificently doomed by his very complacency.

The plot is nothing unusual; just the same tropes arranged a little diffrerently. No; it is the atmosphere that makes this tale, like all of them, so chillingly effective. May Mark Gatiss haunt our Christmases for many years to come.

Persuasion by Jane Austen

I'm going to start with a controversial comment: this novel and, I rather suspect the novels of Jane Austen in general, is and are unfilmable. For the plot is not the point. Not even the characters, superbly drawn as they are, are the point. No; the joy of Austen lies in her prose, and her subtle soicial commentary, criticising the social mores of her day with a lightness of touch that just about has plausible deniability.

That was the joy of rediscovering this novel at forty-five, having not appreciated it in my youth. This is not some cosy, Downton Abbey period romantic drama but something far, far deeper, and I strongly suspecxt that anyfilm or television adaptation, or most at any rate, would indeed end up as a mere cosy genre piece, entirely missing the (very) suppressed rage in the authorial voice of the rigid social conventions of Regency England, which are subtly condemned. In a similar vein, it would be anachronistic to call Austen a feminist. Yet gender roles and conventions do not go uncommented on.

Yes, there is a rather pat happy ending. But not one that undoes the pain of six years of unnecessary separation of two people forced to deny their love through the petty respectability and snobbishness of those around them. Lady Russell is an idiot, yes. Mr Elliott is a bounder and a cad. Yet the subtle excoriation of Sir Walter exposes him as the worst of them all, and I love how the ending not-so-subtly implies that such things as baronetcies are worthless. Love is what matters. And that we must all be free to choose whom we love.

Sometimes, a classic novel is every bit as sublime as it's said to be.

Hellbound: Hellraiser II (1988)

 "It's not hands that summon us. It's desire."

I write this on 23rd December, 2022. What film could so well instil the Christmas spirit?

This is one of those sequels which challenges the original for top billing. It's that good. It's also fascinating, if at btimres rather gory in a pleasingly latex, stop motion, pre-CGI manner.

The themes, more blatant to me than in the first film are... yeah, kinky is far too soft a word. The underlying, horrific theme here is a sexual fetish for the eteernal torments of Hell, which, well, more tea, vicar? It's a deeply disturbing premise. This is, of course, no bad thing.

This is, really, the perfect horror sequel, building upon and deepening the horrors of the first film. Kenneth Cranham is superb as the occult-obsessed doctor who, desapite his earlier uplifting monlolougue as a brain surgeon, has a massive thing for Cenobite lore.

And the Cenobites are existentially terrifying, distilling the very concept of flesh-ripping torture as they are wont to do. The effects are evilly sublime. And, of course. Ashley Laurence as the star is faultless. Clare Higgins, desapite the odd accent slip, deserves similar praise.

I hope the forthcoming sequels are as good as thois. I have my doubts. But this was superb.

Ms Marvel: No Normal

 "Do you even like British Bake Off?"

At long last I've got Disney Plus working again. I can blog the finale now. Phew. It's been frustrating.

This is, after the intensity of the last few episodes, very much a feel good finale with Damage Control as comedy moustache twirling bad guys, the whole community supporting the new superhero wholeheartedly, and a lighthearted tone combined with awesome set pieces. Yes, I know that kids using Home Alone type tricks against agents with guns isn't realistic. I don't care. 

The whole thing is both fun ad heartwarming. I love Kamala's outing to the whole family, and the bond they all have. I love the positivity of the likes of Sheikh Abdullah, how Zoe doesn't rat Kamala out, how even Aamir joins in.

The one bit of sadness is Kamran, who is understandably hurting, but even he gets a happy ending. as does Kamala, who gets her superhero name at last from her dad.#

And then, two final bombshells. Yeah, yeah, she seems to swap places with Carol Danvers in the post-credits, but... is Kamala the MCU's first mutant?

The Day of the Triffids (1981): Part Three

 "Full bodied. Mature. Just a little pretentious, I would say."

This is more first tier television, right from the cliffhangerrresolution as Bill and Jo find their Ford Cortina attacked by a load of terrifying blind people, one of whom is Morris Barry.

They soon escape from that, and begin to bond as a very real and very well-written couple who both need each other. It's 1981 so, of course, it's Jo who does the cooking and there's a bit of social class awkwardness which is nicely brushed away.

But there's realism. They must leave London. Now civilisation has ended the risk of typhoid and tetanus is too great: they need somewhere less populous, and dream of a place in the country with a well and a generator while philosophising aboit what will happen to human civilisation and the hard choices that lie ahead. They can't save everyone. For humanity to survive, most of the blind must be abandoned. It's horrible, but unavoidable.

Such dilemmas are writ even larger when they meet Michael Beadley and his scarily efficient and certain gang, naive about Triffids, mostly sensible and harsh, but disturbingly insistent on polyamory with a little light misogyny. Surely polygamy, with a small population, just means inbreeding?

This is fascinating, philosophical disaster telly. And the cliffhanger is both exciting and an indicator that our favourite couple may well not be partaking in this dubious utopia.

Better Call Saul: Pimento

 "You're not a real lawyer."

Thgois is a gloriously crafted piece of television, whether we see it as forty-seven minutes of drama in its own right or as a pivotal chapter (this is the penultimate episode of this first season) in a larger narrative. Either way, it's already on course to be a superb bit of telly and then the last twist gets you in the gut.

The Mike subplot is sublime. It's just Mike going on a job, casually being the world weary alpha male and having the measure of arrogant arseholes. But at the same time, in a sense, he's a good man. He's a good and loving grandad. And he gives sound advice to the naive beginner criminal employing him. He's a wise old soul, aware of the contradiction of good and evil, law and crime. He's being developed into a nuanced and interesting character in far greater depth even than in Breaking Bad, where he was less central. This is deeply exciting.

But Jimmy and Chuck... we start with Chuck making promising progress against his ambiguous condition, which is ominous; things are, by the rules of television drama, about to go downhill. And so they do. It's dreadfully cleber, with lots of misdirection. The old folks' case is too big to handle, they take it to Howard, Jimmy gets knocked back... and here comes the misdirection. We think Howard's being a dick.We think he's going to fire Kim for challenging him. But... the hostility towards Jimmy isn't from Howard. It's never been Howard. He may have his foibles, but he's not the enemy. Chuck was. Wow.

So we see a disgusted Jimmy, having worked out the truth, betrayed by his own brother's snobbery, the lawyer as sincere vocation vs Slippy Jimmy, abandining Chuck. I can't find the words for how exquisite this is.

Ms Marvel: Time and Again

 "It was me!"

This episode is wonderful, timey-wimey and cathartic in equal measure. About half of the episode is told in flashback, from the perspective of the young Aisha, as she meets and falls in love with the kind and decent Hasan, becomes a mother and has a happy life... but is visited and threatened by Najma on the eve of Partition. This all makes sense, and is told well, explaining the history of Indian independence to a potentially unfamiliar audience without dumbing down.

And then Kamala and the timey-wimeyness happens. It's all extremely clever. Yes, the Djinn are defeated perhaps implausible easy. But it's lovely that Kamala's mum, whom I'm starting to really like, sees and accepts the whole truth and grows closer to both her mother and her daughter in the process. No more frustrating misunderstandings, yay!

The Djinn are gone. But Kamran is with Bruno, and Damage Control have arrived for the finale. This is excellent stuff.

The Day of the Triffids (1981): Part Two

 "There's nothing we can do!"

This second episode is even more brilliantly horrific than the first. We begin in the hospital, with Bill realising firstly that a patient is blind and then realising the blind doctor, such a comforting authority figure the night before, has jumped to his death.

Outside, things are no better. Looting, pretty much explicitly implied rape, the slow collapse of society. It's all made plain as Bill finds a blind couple with a sighted daughter.And the father is no fool, realising, like Hobbes, that civilisation has gone, and that life is set to become nasty, brutish and short. And his suggesxtion- that Bill stays to protect the block- has merit, I think. Bill can't save everyone. Why not save whom he can?

But Bill travels on, and finally meets posh drunkard Jo, who was saved from blindness by a hangover. There's a rule here, kids: teetotalism is bad, m'kay?

Unfortunately, we then find with full force, so are Triffids, and they've got into the house and killed Jo's father. In the kingdom of the blind, the Triffid is king. It's all out war for survival.

Except humanity, unlike Triffids, is hardly united. And is just as scary, as the cliffhanger shows...

Ms Marvel: Seeing Red

 "Kamala, please don't be weird!"

To Pakistan, then, and it's not just Kamala who gets a wonerful tour of the beautiful-looking Karachi. The city looks glorious, and it's a nice little introduction to Pakistan and broader desi cultural mores, especially for the large American audience.

Kamala gets more than that, though, as she's introduced to the rather cool Red Daggersa, who give her friendship and exposition in equal measure, explaing exactly how dangerous the Djinn are. The Djinn who are at this moment escaping from Damage Control's supermax prison; I'm getting a very Guantanamo Bay feel from all this, as well as outrage as poor Kamran being vindictively left behind.

Meanwhile we also get to know Kamala's wise Nani, and get to see bits of all three generations of mothers are daughters. We see how Muneeba is perhaps angry about her mother's "stories" because she felt neglected. This is a nice human touch.

The confrontation between the Djinn and Red Daggers, plus Kamala, is expected, and the car chase is cool. Less expected is Kamala seeming to travel back in time to 1947. This episode builds and develops on so much, yet the world keeps expanding. Hugely enjoyable telly.

Martyrs (2008)

 "It's so easy to create a victim, young lady. So easy."

I'd be amazed if there was a more disturbing film than this in all of existence. Immediately after watching it I, being quite hardcore, had an experience I'd never before undergone in all of my forty-five years. I felt... not sick, there was no prospect of vomiting, buty something analogous to it. I went into a cold sweat. All this from the profound sense of existential dread by which I, an atheist with stoic and existentialist philosophical sympathies (although, of course Marcus Aurelius would obviously beat Jean-Paul Sartre in a fight), was overwhelmed with. It was a profoundly cathartic and satisfing experience. No other film has ever done that to me.

I shall say as little as possible about the plot: existential dread is a dish best served cold. I shall say that, yes, there's a lot of gore in this film, but the gore is not there to give us a distasteful voyeuristic pleasure. It is necessary. It is instrumental. It exists in order to hammer home (literally, at one point) the hard philosophical subtext that is fare more horrific, for all its abstractness, than any of the hard-to-watch gore.

The film pulls no punches. It brutally exposes the cruelties of life, the absurdity of mortality, the inevitability of suffering and the certainty of death. And yet the final, devastating revelation may, perhaps, contain a kernel of hope. As Existentialists know, in a meaningless universe, we are free to create our own meaning. And there can be no greater freedom.

The acting, the direction, the visual storytelling and especially the storytelling are exquisite, whatever else one may think. This film, despite being truly great in my view, is not one I can honestly recommend to any but the most hardy soul.

The Guardians of the Galaxy: Holiday Special

 "I'm sorry! GoBots killed his cousin!"

This is one of the finest Christmas sitcom episodes- for that is what this is- that I've ever seen. It's superb. And not only for the fact that the eponymous Kevin Bacon is seen watching Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. I like the bloke already, even if he is one of those disgusting actor folk.

The plot may be cheesy- Mantis and Drax feel sorry for Peter Quill at Christmas so they, er, kidnap Kevin Bacon, much hilarity ensues, and Mantis finally tells Peter that she's his sisater. Aww. Heartwarming. Yet the whole thing is gleefully silly, does a lot of violence to the fourth wall, and gets its humour from its well-crafted funny characters. Drax we know well, but Mantis is really fleshed out here, and she's bloody likeable.Kevin Bacon is, of course, awesome, but not as awesome as Mantis and Drax getting rat-arsed from their cosplay money in Hollywood.

Yes, the dodgy ethics of just kidnapping a Hollywood star and, you know, assaulting a few police officers is handwaved away, but why not? That's the tone.

That song about Christmas at the start is a highlight- that Santa Claus chap sounds terrifying. So is "this is human trafficking". But the whole thing is awesome. This is the greatest science fiction holiday special since 1978, despite the lack of Wookies. Plus, Groot as a Christmas tree is a perfect ending.

The Day of the Triffids (1981): Part One

 "If it were a choice of survival between a blind man and a Triffid, I knoew which I'd put my money on."

Obviously, being the sort of chap, I've read the John Wyndham novel several times, although probably not since John Major was prime minister, so it's been a while. Suffice to say I loved it, but was a wee slip of a lad at the time. And still am, of course, at a mere forty-five years.

This is the first adaptation I've seen, and I'm impressed. It's incredibly cheap so far, of course, very close to being a one-hander with John Duttine as Bill, other characters appearing only in flashback, and relativrly few sets in this all but studio bound production. Only on brief occasions do we have the building entirely surrounded by film.

The tape recorder is a bit obvious as an excuse for exposition, but I'll admit the premise is well-introduced and the storytelling is clear, as we feel throughout the tension building for both the world, as we slowly realise what has gone wrong, and Bill, whose worries for his eyesight are shared by us.

And those Triffids avtually look bloody terrifying.

I'm very impressed indeed so far.

Venom: Let There Be Carnage (2021)

 "You said I could eat bad guys!"

I only watched this film as an easy watch after a knackering day, expecting a non-demanding bit of third rate superhero fluff- much like this film's predecessor, enjoy it though I did.

Instead, directed by Andy Serkis- he of the recent extraordinary performance in Andor- we have a taut, entertaioning action film that doesn't outstay its welcome and develops its characters superbly. I know not of Carnage and Shriek- they are after my time as far as the comics are concerned- but I really loved them as characters, well written and acted. Woody Harrelson in particular is superb as a serial killer who, we learn only at the last minute, was made that was by child abuse. It just goes to show that those who participate in judicial killing, whether signing death warrants or administering a lethal injection, are as evil as their victims and deserve no less.

Not only the villains are well-characterised, of course. Ediie and Venom's bromance gets a nice little arc, and both of them come to accept that Anne is lost to them, and to wish her well.

The plot is simple yet effective, with the King Kong conclusion an oldie but goodie. This is a film about love, however twisted; about the lingering effects of child abuse; about the evils of judicial killing- those who take part in this vice all die- but, most of all, it's a rollicking ride.

And that mid-credits, echoing Spider-Man: No Way Home: the fugitive Eddie/Venom are in the MCU...?

La Belle et la Bete (1946)

 "May the Devil himself splatter you with dung!"

I'm not kneejerk anti-Disney- I have a seven year old daughter; I'm not allowed to be- but there are Disney fairytales and there are real fairytales, invariably much darker, from an ahe when it was understood that tales for children needed a certain amount of darkness.

This is, basically, not the Disney version. Barring a few sensible adjudstments (Belle hasn't got eleven siblings, just a mere three), this is pretty much the original tale by (deep breath) Gabrielle-SuzanneBarbot de Villeneuve, no relation, I assume, to the Canadian racing drivers. She wrote the tale in 1740, but the costumes here reflect the reign of Henri IV, with the men all having very long hair, like mine, and stovepipe hats.

Story-wise, this is the proper fairy tale, with a couple of artistic twists towards the end. The acting is superb. But this is not the point: it's the 1940s. Realism rules.Yet Jean Cocteau, no slave to convention and apparently having a very proper appreciation of the Greek myths,is a bloodyt genius diredtor. The various disembodied hands within the Beast's home are magnificently weird, as are the moving statues. This is the type of fantasy cinema that would go on to influence much, including Pan's Labyrinth.The imagery, as well as the storytelling, are iconic, yes, but that ois insufficient praise. This is a mouls to be used by so much fantasy cinema, yet it's more than that. This is fairytale cinema done seriously and beautifully.