Doctor Who: The Witchfinders

“If I was still a bloke, I could get on with the job and not have to waste time defending myself!"

A very good episode but, par for the course this season, lacking in the stuff of greatness. Still very good, but no more. And it’s becoming worryingly clear that the series doesn’t seem to aspire to that under Chibnall. But is this just my expectations, having come in recent years to appreciate the depths of writing of an RTD and a Moffat, while Chibnall is focused on creating a family show that appeals to kids, and successfully at that? Am I, a 41 year old fan, the target audience, as I was for Moffat? Should I be?

The episode is genuinely good and the new writer- Joy Wilkinson- is one I’d be happy to see again. The history is a little vague (characters called “Willa” and “Becca”?) and suggestive of a younger audience than we were used to in the recent past, but the plot is solid, even if the resolution is rushed; Pendle Hill being an ancient prison for some rather well-realised alien villains is a fun concept. And the of course there’s Alan Cumming’s superb performance as King James VI and I, a portrayal that rings very true for this highly intelligent, intellectually lazy, psychologically damaged king who took refuge in absolutism and boys. Oh, and in not suffering a witch to live. Especially that.

Jimmy One is clearly well-researched; indeed, we get a whole scene with Ryan (naturally, Jimmy takes a shine to him) comparing their hard childhoods which shows off the research splendidly. And I also love the big chat he gets with the Doctor just before she faces the ducking stool.

It’s perfect that a story about witch hunts- the ultimate in misogyny- should be the first to really explore just how different things are for the Doctor when stripped of her male privilege. She is patronised, disbelieved, her very title mocked, with Graham having to stand in as figurehead. Yes, on the whole it’s rather good. But yet again it stops short of wowing me and the season so far is no better on the whole than “good enough”. I like the new Doctor, the new format, the new characters. I approve of the reorientation towards a family audience. And this tabloid nonsense about “PC plots” is just silly. But can we have some brilliance in the writing please? So far, every season since the show returns, I’ve liked some series more than others, and not all episodes have been good. But you could always be confident that an episode of sheer brilliance would turn up soon-ish. Is that still the case?

Batman Forever (1995)

“It's the car, right? Chicks love it."

 Incredibly, I've never seen this until now, after 23 years.After the two gritty Tim Burton films, which I'd seen at the cinema and enjoyed, I wasn't impressed by the prospect of a film that dialled down the atmosphere and just tried to tell an exciting story.

So did I enjoy it? Well, yes, it's a fairly good Hollywood blockbuster action film, and it's even pretty good with the Batman mythos- we get a pretty good Robin origin with the Flying Graysons and the character is made not to look silly, which is no small achievement, even if the fact that the Flying Graysons all wear costumes while performing that Dick's eventual Robin costume will pretty much mirror means that it's pretty obvious who Robin really is, so Bruce's secret is shot too. But then, in this film at least, it pretty much is anyway.

I also like both Tommy Lee Jones' performance as Two-Face and the fact they only did his origin in flashback. But the Riddler, well, Jim Carrey is really annoying and the riddles are a bit perfunctory, the character seemingly being really about those silly brainwave machine thingies; this doesn't really feel like the Riddler.

Also, Joel Schumacher's directorial style is so very generic Hollywood compared to Tim Burton's unique and very fitting style, and even Gotham itself suddenly looks just like an ersatz New York, complete with Statue of Liberty, rather than the Gothic, Expressionist nightmare we've become used to. This is connected to the first two films only by Pat Hingle, Michael Gough, and the design of all of Batman's stuff. And Brude actually gets a girlfriend and still has her when the film ends- what's going on?

Plus Val Kilmer is, if not awful, not great either, and not a patch on Michael Keaton. This just isn't the same introverted, brooding character. But then this isn't really part of the same series of films in any meaningful sense. It's pure Hollywood spectacle, done well but with no real depth or meaning.

Pet Semetary (1989)

"Sometimes dead is better."

Another Stephen King film, then, and one in which he gets a cameo as a vicar... and I still haven’t read more than one obscure novella by him. I must remedy that.

This film is rather good, but a curious beast; there are no stars, unless you count Herman Munster and Lt Tasha Yar. And it doesn’t really feel like a horror film until the very end where a zombie toddler is running riot, being far more of a drama about what it’s like to lose a child- an unthinkable thing for any parent- much though the whole thing is tinged with a palpable sense of the macabre which feels, well, Stephen King.

The conceit is (cliche alert) that behind the burial ground for pets of the misspelled title there lies that old horror standby, the old Indian cemetery. This allows Dead things to be brought back to life, and be brought back to life wrong so, after an initial and fairly harmless first attempt with a cute little cat which proceeds to get all creepy and animatronic (is that a 1989 thing?) things start to get serious as the fanily’s little boy gets run over by a lorry. And presumably, this being Stephen King, this all happens in the state of Maine.

It’s a nice little understated film that chooses, I think rightly, to emphasise the mood of the macabre over shocks. One think is truly shocking, though- Jud drinks that undrinksble horse piss Budweiser and forces poor Louis to drink the foul liquid. Have neither of them heard of actual beer? And why does Louis pronounce his name “Louis” but pronounce it “Lewis”? It’s most odd.

But all is forgiven as the end credits roll and we hear the splendid sound of the Ramones, everybody’s favourite all-dead New York proto-punk band. “Pet Semetary” is no “Judy Is a Punk” or “53rd and 3rd” but it does the business.

Legion: Chapter 4

"I was a woman who couldn't be touched, in love with a man who wasn't there."

Legion just gets weirder and weirder; among other things, this episode features a girl living in a bloke’s head as his imaginary friend and getting out in to the world, and when she dies, he does.

It’s all very fairytale, which brings me to the opening. We meet the mysterious and stentorian Oliver, player by that bloke from Flight of the Conchords and a splendidly surreal individual with his discordant jazz and pronouncements on literary theory. He lives, it seems, on the astral plane, where David’s consciousness has become stuck from excessive dreaming. That’s the sort of thing that happens on this show.

Through Ptonomy we, and Syd, begin to realise that David’s memories may be partly false and are covering something up, and indeed that he may not be as nice as he seems. Certainly it’s evident, after the two of them make enquiries, that all old memories featuring Lenny reflect the reality of a big man called Benny, a bad influence.

The whole thing is as well directed as ever, which is good, because this sort of telly relies on that. The “real” world still has a stylish ambiguity between ‘60s and modern styles. And motifs recur- Syd keeps seeing the Hitler-like Angry Boy from the storybook while out and about.

I hold my hands up; I have no idea what’s going on at this point. But I’m enjoying the ride.

Legion: Chapter 3

“Could you maybe not break everything this time?”

Before I get to the final series of Angel it’s about time I finished something I started a while ago- this first season of Legion, that very strange and independent riff on a Marvel character. It’s an odd beast, non-linear and full of symbols which we can interpret as we wish; this week’s opening dream sequence is based around a fairy tale.

The whole thing is dreamlike, though. Perhaps it’s because this episode the A plot- David’s sister Amy having been kidnapped by the nasty shrink baddies- is put to one side for an episode of “memory work” with Melanie and Ptonomy, hinting at blocked memories and a nasty monster lurking within David’s subconscious. A lot of the time I have no idea what’s going on, although it always entertains. You really have to pay attention; this is brave, difficult telly.

Amy gets blatantly told that her brother is not schizophrenic, just a powerful magic being, as he is slowly learning himself. He’s also developing his sweet little relationship with the literally untouchable Syd. But something is wrong with his memories, and as we can see something is very wrong indeed with that storybook, and we get a very odd cliffhanger ending.

This is weird. At the moment I simply couldn’t tell you whether it works or not.

Doctor Who: Kerblam!

"Have you smelt her?"

"Oddly enough, I haven't..."

Terrible title and, I was confidently expecting from the preview, terrible episode. Turns out I was wrong; along with last week's episode this heralds what's looking like a definite upswing in quality with a thoughtful bit of what science fiction was made to do- satirical extrapolation of current trends to the nth degree.

What we have here is a bit of a cross between Doctor Who Discovers the Effect of Automation on the Workforce and Doctor Who Discovers the Appalling Working Conditions in Amazon Warehouses, a very topical bit of telly that will be very relevant to many viewers. The satire is simultaneously made blatant- the ancient junk robot seems awfully like Amazon, and the degree of employee monitoring that goes on is truly terrifying, although not as terrifying as automation itself. Just how many of us, even in professional jobs, will not have our livelihoods threatened by automation in say, twenty years' time? How will we pay our mortgages? Will it be a dystopia or was the great John Maynard Keynes right to expect increased leisure time? Somehow I expect neither will happen, but those of us with mortgages and dependents can be forgiven for being nervous.

Political though he episode is, mind- the working conditions on show are genuinely horrifying- the baddies are not the bosses but a protester- yet the system exploits him as surely as he exploits the system; capitalism is and is not the villain here, which is nicely nuanced.

The robots are splendidly creepy, too, and the reminiscence to the robots in The Greatest Show in the Galaxy parallels the similar opening scene in the TARDIS - is the deliberate implication that the delivery robot in both stories is from Kerblam? On the subject of continuity I liked the fez from when the Doctor was Matt Smith, and the shoutout to The Unicorn and the Wasp. And we can't not mention The Robots of Death either- we even get "robophobia" referred to. But this is, at its heart, a welcome piece of contemporary sci-fi which addresses major issues of the world we live in and gets away with doing so at prime time by having robots in it. Brilliant.

Damien: Omen II (1978)

"Damien Thorn is the Antichrist!"

It's been quite a while since I saw The Omen, but it lingers in the mind somewhat, mainly because of the set piece deaths. This sequel follows a similar pattern; Damien is now thirteen, adopted by his aunt and uncle, and forced to attend one of those awful military schools to which the more abusive type of American parents send their children. There are the same types of people protecting him, the same types of people discovering what he is and trying to stop him, and of course the same types of grisly deaths for the latter.

Except... while still a pretty good film, it doesn't compare remotely to its predecessor. Partly this is because, although some of the set piece deaths are rather good, they don't begin to approach the spectacle of the first film. And the cast, while solid character actors all, lacks the charismatic star presence of a Gregory Peck.

That isn't to say that the story doesn't grab the attention, that the central conceit doesn't work as well as before or, indeed, that there's much wrong with the script; I suspect that a better director could have improved the gory set pieces which, while a decent enough spectacle, don't anchor this film as they did its predecessor. But it certainly has its moment- I enjoyed the reporter's death my raven and lorry, and the film has a bi of fun with the fact we all know where it's going. It's a solid but fairly by-the-numbers early example of the type of Holywood horror sequel that would become so fashionable over the following decade.

Doomsday (2008)

“In the land of the infected, the immune man is king."

 This s easily the greatest Scottish post-apocalyptic Mad Max movie with mediaeval knights and steam locomotives ever made. Bar none.

Yes, the start is perhaps a bit ropey, very exposition-heavy and quite blatantly nothing but exposition, exposition, exposition as it gives us a backstory of a Scotland (well, Britain north of a reconstituted Hadrian's Wall- that would be just south of Wallsend's high street, a bizarre way to think of Mrs Llamastrangler's home town) quarantined because of a nasty virus, causing the British government to abandon and brutalise people in ways that probably mean Nicola Sturgeon died crying "I told you so" although, to be fair, the PM's Glaswegian functionary is just as evil to Londoners later.

But then it gets good. Really good, proper B movie fun. Proper Mad Max aesthetics and car chases, cannibalism, Molotov cocktails, glorious ultraviolence, Siouxie and the Banshees, loads of gore, not a lot of sentimentality in spite of  Major Eden's potentially tear-jerking backstory, and Malcolm McDowell holding forth speechifying splendidly in a mediaeval castle, presiding over a medieval society. In the twenty-first century. This is top B-movie stuff. And very well-directed too. There are Roman echoes, with Hadrian's Wall and some of the Mad Max lot evoking painted Picts.

The cast is superb, from Sean Pertwee's horrible end to David O'Hara's cynical baddie to the ever- sublime Malcolm McDowell, but the badass Rhona Mitra holds it all together. A film most definitely worth watching.

Dark Season: Episodes 5 and 6

Episode Five

"A ventilation shaft. Marvellous. I’m a cliche.”

The middle episode, and we discover that Pendragon is digging not for Celtic archaeology but for an old MOD building beneath the school, and the Behemoth is an AI war machine that she once created. In spite of her cod-mysticism she’s actually a scientist, but so mad and melodramatic that only Jacqueline Pearce could possibly have played her: a genius scientist sacked for being a Nazi and prone to lots and lots of speechifying.

Elsewhere, Miss Maitland fails as an English teacher as she “corrects” Reet’s grammar to end a sentence with “and I”, failing to understand the difference between the nominative and the accusative.  Don’t you just hate that? But at least she begins to overcome her scepticism and get stuck in. Thomas, in spite of some more terrible acting from Ben Chandler, has some amusing scenes with Pendragon as it turns out his Aryan looks come mostly from hair dye.

It’s a rather cool ending as the Behemoth awakes and it’s revealed that the “chosen one” is in fact needed to sit in the chair and be subsumed into the machine- a sacrifice which now suddenly falls to a bizarrely ecstatic Pendragon. This is brilliantly mad chikdren’s telly.

Oh, look. There’s Mr Eldritch.


Episode Six

“There will be now new age. Only a dark age.”

A rather excellent finale as Marcie exploits the differences between the Nazis and the chaos-loving Eldritch, Lawful Evil vs Chaotic Evil. There’s a debate between Marcie and Eldritch to persuade the fully sentient Behemoth, and arguably a debate about whether it’s Miss Maitland with her bulldozer or Marcie with her words who saves the day.

All this stuff about the end of a century being an important time (it’s only 1991, kids) feels quaint from the vantage point of today, but it works. And Grant Parsons’ Eldritch is a splendidly melodramatic villain. And best of all is the scene where the increasingly cool Miss Maitland gives the Nazis a right good bollocking.

It’s a nice upbeat ending, Marcie is blatantly the Doctor as always, and this is a brilliant bit of telly. But I suppose it had to end; there are only so many sci-fi thrrats that could threaten a school. But that young RTD, the Why Don’t You bloke who wrote this- he’s going places, I tell you.

Dark Season: Episodes 3 and 4

Episode Three

"If I was here to give answers, I'd open an answer shop!"

A satisfying conclusion to the first three part story here, with a nice little twist as it’s revealed by the old man that “Professor Becjinski is my wife!” using Mr Eldritch’s casually misogynistic assumption that the man must be the professor as a trick. Of course, this means that Marcie and her mates don’t actually save the day, but it’s a nice way to end. I also like the way Mr Becjinsky tries to persuade Dr Osley to turn on Eldritch, giving Osley his big speech about the world deserving what it’s going to get.

Also interesting is Eldritch’s motive; although he intends to ensure all computers are networked and under his control, he doesn’t want control; no, he wants to create chaos.

Marcie gets some heroic stuff to do, and there’s a countdown (why do baddies never just press a button that does things instantly?). And, of course, Eldritch vanishes. It’s a big, satisfying ending, although Marcie, Reet and Thomas are perhaps a little sidelined. In fact, things would have pretty much unfolded much the same without them.


Episode Four

“Liberty Hall!”

Don’t imagine I didn’t spit the blatant reference to The Three Doctors up there. Anyway, Marcie, Reet and Thomas are back, with hesitant help from Miss Maitland, as Jacqueline Pearce turns up and steals every scene she’s in with aplomb. She was a force of nature and she will be missed.

Miss Pendragon is an eccentric baddie with a mysterious agenda and, quite rightly, the manners of Servalan, who is conducting a sham archaeological dig in a quest to find the “Behemoth” of Celtic legend. As Thomas notes, her commitment to diversity is less than ideal as all of her underlines have a suspiciously Aryan look. Indeed, she seems to have hired the handsome but dim Luke just to stand around being Aryan and unblemished, and suddenly abandons him when he gets slightly hurt. Nazi much?

Marnie spends the episode being splendidly moody mixed with bursts of Doctorish activity. We’ve established the format in the first three parter; now we can just get on with the adventure, and it appears the Behemoth may now be emerging...

Doctor Who: Demons of the Punjab

”You know there are aliens, right? In Punjab, during Partition? And you're worried about me being gobby?"

At last, an episode that's more than quite good and actually both moving and interesting. And it's written by Vinay Patel, who is 1) the first non-white person to write for Doctor Who, which is quite awful at this late date; 2) new to the series; and 3) not Chris Chibnall, thank the gods- indeed, this is the frst episode of the season where Chibnall doesn't have a writing credit.. This script is assured, thoughtful and moving.

Moreover, after Rosa, it's tempting to muse on the possible return of the near-pure historical. In that story the only science fiction element was timey-wimey stuff; here the aliens merely observe, and mourn. They seem a little metatextual, although subtly done, and if anything they represent us as viewers. They are not the titular demons of the Punjab; that would be humanity.

Partition happened only in 1947. Back in the monochrome era this was both far too recent and too close to the bone for a British programme, it being no longer ago to them than the New Labour years are to us, and there being no serious view of Partition, and its millions of deaths, that doesn't largely blame the British. This is skirted over here, but it is there.

The plot s simple, really; Yas wants to find out her grandmother's mysterious past so persuades the Doctor to take them back in time to the Punjab during what turns out to be Partition, and there ensues a tale of genocide and star cross'd lovers as she sees her Muslim grandfather marry Prem, a Hindu man who is not her grandfather. If you're used to stories about time travel- and many viewers may not be- it's straightforward stuff, but full of potential for drama and pathos as we see the inevitable tragic events play out.

It's worth emphasising again how much I like this TARDIS crew. They have fun, they have heart, they have a real developing bond; I love that brief scene between Yas and Graham about what she must be going through, yes, but also how great their lives are. And Jodie Whittaker is brilliant again. Chibnall has got so much right about the shape of the show. But there's definitely a pattern developing where the ones he doesn't write are the better ones.

The Princess Bride (1987)

"Have you ever heard of Plato, Aristotle, Socrates?"

"Yes."

"Morons."

It's a genuine mystery: This Is Spinal Tap is one of the funniest films ever. How, then, can pretty much the same team- Rob Reiner directs, Christopher Guest has a major role- produce something so unfunny as this.

I can see what it’s trying to do- play with the silliness of the tropes and cliches. Hence we have exaggerated tropes such as a princess with absurd faith that her ridiculously heroic man will save her, and a Spanish swordsman who lives to avenge his father’s death. But none of this is addressed with any real wit, and it’s obly the names (Prince Humperdinck) and cameos from the likes of Peter Cook and Mel Smith that tell us this is intended to be a comedy.

All this is narrated by Columbo to his annoying, sport-obsessed grandson for no apparent reason, in a framing sequence that has no obvious reason to be there. It describes a weird mediaeval word where fictional countries mix with real ones and people seem to have heard of Australia. And where there are, er, “rodents of unusual size” which look awfully like a man in a suit. It’s clearly meant to be funny. It isn’t. An odd misfire.

I very strongly suspect, mind, that the “battle of wits” scene strongly influenced the first episode of Sherlock.

The Incredible Hulk (2008)

"You wouldn't like me when I'm hungry..."

Well, that was a bit disappointing. It wasn't awful, not quite; I'm glad they didn't just do the bloody origin. But, I mean, come on- Edward Norton has no bloody charisma. And, in spite of lots of CGI action, the direction just isn't that exciting.

I mean, it's nice to hear the telly theme tune as incidental music. It's nice to see a CGI Abomination. It's nice to see a sort of origin for Samuel Sterns becoming the Leader but with literally no climax; the actual cinematic equivalent of bad sex.

I suppose the treatment of the origin during the opening titles is neat and, as with Iron Man, it doesn't bother with any of that secret identity nonsense; everyone knows Bruce is the Hulk, so has to wander the western hemisphere like it's the '70s. Plus Liv Tyler, Tim Roth and William Hurt are all ok.

But, CGI spectacle aside, this film is boring. A good Hulk film needs a charismatic lead actor, and Edward Norton is no Mark Ruffalo. And no, a cameo from Lou Ferrigno doesn't make it right.

So the second ever Marvel film is a proper misstep. It's not surprising how little influence this film has had on what came after. Eminently skippable.

Dark Season: Episodes One and Two

Episode One

“Normal is for the comatose!”

If you think Jodie Whittaker is the first female Doctor Who then you are quite, quite wrong. Let’s look at the evidence: RTD writes; 25 minute episodes; Marcie acts and speaks exactly like the Doctor; the directorial style and incidental music is exactly like Cartmel-era Who which is, after all, only a couple of years ago. The baddie even begins by saying “Nothing in the world can stop me now!”. I rest my case.

This is, in fact, a brilliant bit of telly that only the very 1991 fashions can’t spoil. The script is superb; Victoria Lambert is superb, Sylvester McCoy’s Doctor as a thirteen year old girl. The paddle is a bit of genius. It’s genuinely bizarre that she doesn’t seem to have acted in anything else. Then there’s a young Kate Wibslet (the less said about Ben Chandler the better) and such British telly stalwarts as Brigit Forsyth and the great Cyril Shaps.

Like Cartmel era Doctor Who, the programme hides its lack of budget with lots of mood, atmosphere, and having this and intrigue be a substitute for expensive spectacle, and does it well. It’s also full of strong characters, an intriguing mystery, and an intriguing men-in-black villain in the splendid Mr Eldritch. But the clothes, oh, the clothes...



Episode Two

“If I can teach you two anything it’s this; shut up and do as I say. Out!”

The plot thickens and so does the characterisation; I love Marcie’s fun little relationship with the exasperated and harassed Miss Maitland, and how only she realises that anything weird happened. We also begin to see how the Professor is at the heart of all this, leading to a splendid cliffhanger. And, this being the early ‘90s, we have the obligatory cyberspace bit, with even a kind of proto-internet. In 1991.

It’s weird to think I was about the same age as the kids in this at the time, but in some ways it doesn’t feel so very long ago. It’s intetesting to be reminded of a time where not all schools gave lip service to any of this silly uniform nonsense, for example, whatever the resulting fashion disasters. Thing is, though, what does Mr Eldritch want? So far he just walks around looking cool while talking like a super villain in a vague sort of way, more of a trope than a character as such. Not that I have any problem with this.

Angel: Home

”We do have a dungeon. I can show you around later if...”

So Lilah gives Angel that thingummy wotsit to take to Buffy in Sunnydale for Spike’s big heroic sacrifice? I wish I hadn’t lost that list of the right order to watch episodes of both series a while ago. Still, no great harm done, and this is an intriguing and unusual finale which points forwards to the next season of what is now the only Buffyverse show.

It’s a lighthearted episode, a good thing after all the recent angst,  showing how all of Angel’s gang are slowly corrupted by Wolfram & Hart and agree to take over the LA branch of the evil law firm for their far from nefarious purposes but, it’s heavily implied, losing a part of their souls in the process.

It’s fun to see a temporarily resurrected Lilah tempting them all with her customary wit; she seems somewhat cheerful for someone who has just been in Hell and will be back there soon. It’s also unclear what’s so outrageous about her contractual obligations to her employer extending beyond death, with the alternative again being Hell. But it’s fun seeing her sparring yet again with Angel and, indeed, with Wesley.

They all get their individual temptations- Fred is to be head of science, Lorne of entertainment, Wesley of arcane lore or something and Gunn... well, we know not what, but he takes a trip to the big white room where a panther has replaced the little girl. He’s very conscious about what his supposed talent may be that Wolfram & Hart so require; we shall no doubt find out at the start of next season. Angel, of course, is CEO, with Sun-proof executive windows and twelve cars. Not bad.

The season has largely been about annoying little Connor, though, so it’s fitting that he should get a fitting send-off as Angel foils his psychopathic son in a nasty little hostage situation and Wolfram & Hart arrange for Connor to get an entirely different life.

It’s been a wonderfully changeable season, easily as good as the last, ending up with yet another major change. Is this going to continue...?

The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001)

"Nobody tosses a dwarf!"

This is only my second viewing of this or, indeed, any of this magnificent trilogy. And, yes, with an appropriate nod to YouTube's How It should Have Ended (watch it for LOTR), it's magnificent. The three sodding hours actually passed very pleasantly.

The Lord of the Rings is an odd book, or trilogy, however you’re counting. I’m glad I read it at twelve, appendixes and all; I enjoyed it very much, but I fear the charms of its 1,200 plus pages would have likely eluded me if I’d been any older. Written by an Old English academic- I once cited an academic work of his while writing an essay on Beowulf- and intended to create the Germanic and Finnish myths he so loves, it isn’t a style of writing we’re used to in modern times. These days we have a literary genre called “fantasy”; that wasn’t so clearly the case at the time, and indeed The Hobbit was written for children. One odd thing about Lord of the Rings is the huge change from children’s pride in the shire to epic narrative for the rest of the novel but it is, of course, a work of genius.

So how does Peter Jackson film such a book? Well, brilliantly. His native New Zealand is a magnificent setting, and his cast is superb- Ian McKellen May stand out, but Christopher Lee is utter perfection as Saruman. Yet just as important is the magnificent direction and the scene that, for me, stands out is Christopher Lee’s performance in the scene where we discover that Saruman has betrayed Gandalf- the scene is a perfect synthesis of actor and camera as the extraordinary subtleties of Lee’s performance are echoes perfectly by the movements of the camera.

Wisely, Jackson does a faithful adaptation without cutting corners and, indeed, takes things from the appendixes to flesh out the narrative- particularly in an expanded role for Saruman which helps with the plot at this early stage but also, with Sauron himself being just an eye, giving a face to what the Fellowship is fighting. Seeing the Shire on screen makes is stand out from the high fantasy surrounding it: it’s odd to see a British work of high fantasy that features American crops such as tobacco and potatoes- or perhaps the “weed” is something else? It would make a lot of sense.

There’s one thing I don’t get, though. What’s so special about Sean Bean’s “One does not just walk into Mordor?” It’s a fairly nondescript line so why all them memes?

Doctor Who: The Tsuranga Conundrum

“It just ate my sonic!”

Well, I admit I’ve been waiting all season so far to say this, but, well, that was very Chibnall, wasn’t it? It wasn’t awful, but it wasn’t great either. It just... was.

The regular cast are as great as ever, of course. And the Pting is a great monster, very Pokemon, both a cool concept and (this may be controversial...) looks awesome. The whole thing looks classy and well made, although it’s rather obviously the cheap studio episode full of inexpensive but adequate sets.

There are some nice sci-fi concepts too- l loved the concept of junk galaxies and, of course, the pregnant bloke, obviously there so Ryan can slowly begin to think about fatherhood and begin to understand his father, just a teenager when he was born. Yet again the four-strong TARDIS crew works well, and they’ve established a strong bond. I’m glad that dialogue early on established they’ve travelled a fair bit since last episode. And yet... it all feels very much by the numbers.

The real saving grace, though, is Jodie, elevating a series of mediocre to quite good scripts by her sheer charisma and Doctorishness. I am already seriously impressed by her, but I’m beginning to become really quite concerned by the humdrum nature of the scripts. Yes, Chibnall make good showrunner decisions, but his scripts are as formulaic and unispiring as ever they were. That was fine when he contributed just the odd script but not when he writes the bulk of the season, as he has so far. He can do character, he can do the big picture, but he’s lacking in depth, coolness and fun. And, while his decisions to go for the family audience again are quite correct and clearly successful, I think in the medium term that the standard of scripts needs to aspire to be more than just good enough. This is Doctor Who.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Chosen

“Oh, you know me. Not much on the damselling."

So, this is it, after seven extraordinary and eventful years... and, with this being American network television, we still get the usual 42 minutes. Still, Joss himself is back to write and direct, so we know this will be good. and it bloody well is.

144 episodes ago we began our voyeuristic adventures of the Chosen One, a valley girl, a character always quick with a quip, but fundamentally (as we were often reminded) alone. She experienced lots of fun, lots of angst, lots of excitement, lots of peril and was always a walking feminist statement, a girl who didn’t need a man to rescue her.

The way we end here is the perfect distillation of all that and the perfect feminist statement. Buffy wins by socking it to the patriarchy, by questioning why on Earth there needs to be just the one Slayer just because a bunch of old people with penises said so, and using Willow’s gloriously feminine magic to smash that particular glass ceiling and make damn sure that every Pitentisl becomes a Slayer, now.

Oh, and if that weren’t enough, Buffy starts the episode by affectionately telling Angel to bugger off back to his own show and killing Caleb with a sword to the bollocks. You’ll excuse me if I don’t get up right now, but that’s quite the statement of intent.

There’s nuance, too, of course. The final episode takes time for Buffyvto golf out hope of getting together with Angel one day, to spend one last night with Spike, to imagine both of them wrestling with oil involved. We get to see Kennedy being a lovely girlfriend to Willow again in the night before battle, and signs that Robin may actually have been able to seduce Faith into seeing him as more than a one night stand. Shouldn’t she be off back to prison at the end, though? She’s no longer needed, and there’s more atonement that needs doing. This is the only sour note.

There’s more. We get the D&D scene, Giles gets one last “The Earth is definitely doomed” for old times sake, and Anya gets a heroic death saving Andrew. And then, of course, there’s Spike’s heroic sacrifice, with those heartrending last words as he gently tells Buffy that actually, he knows she doesn’t really love him but he appreciates the little white lie.

And so Sunnydale is gone, just a crater. No more High School, no more Hellmouth, no more mall, no more Bronze. I’ll miss the place. Thank you, Joss Whedon. He’s had a long and magnificent career but let’s not be silly: Buffy is his masterpiece.